Original subtitles

(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC)

This is an SOS distress call from the mining ship Red Dwarf.

The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak.

The only survivors were Dave Lister, who was in suspended animation during the disaster

and his pregnant cat, who was safely sealed in the hold.

Revived three million years later,

Lister's only companions are a life form who evolved from his cat

and Arnold Rimmer, a hologram simulation of one of the dead crew.

We have been travelling through the galaxy now for three million years,

and there are many things we have discovered

the highest form of life in the Universe is Man, and the lowest is a man who works for the post office.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC)

(WOMAN ON TV) Oh, Jim, weren't you the one who said we

have to seize our moments because they may never come again?

(SLURPS)

(MAN) Don't you see, you crazy fool, this is our moment, right here and now. Let's seize it together.

(WOMAN) But, darling, I'm dying!

(MAN) I know, Carol Dr Graham told me everything.

- Busy, are you, Dave? - Hol! I'm watching the film.

- Just wondered if you're a bit bored - No, no, I'm watching the film.

- You're not bored, then? - No, go away!

(WOMAN) But, darling, I'm dying!

(MAN) I know, Carol Dr Graham told me everything.

I've just finished reading everything.

I've now read everything that's even been written anywhere by anyone ever.

- Will you go away! - You know what the worst book ever written ever was?

- I don't care! "Football - It's A Funny Old Game" by Kevin Keegan.

Holly, will you let me watch the film?

(ROMANTIC MUSIC)

I'm at a loose end, now. I don't know what to do with meself.

Why don't you just read everything all over again?

I was thinking it might help pass the time if I

created a perfectly functioning replica of a woman,

capable of independent decision-making and abstract thought,

and absolutely undetectable from the real thing.

- Why don't you? - I don't know how!

I wouldn't even know how to make the nose.

- Holly, is there something that you want? - Well, only if you're not busy.

- Would you mind erasing some of my memory bank? - What for?

Well, if you erase all the Agatha Christie novels

from my memory bank I can read 'em again tonight.

- How do I do it? - Just type in "holmem".

"Password override. "

Then "novels, Christie, Agatha". Then press erase.

- I've done it. - Done what?

- Erased Agatha Christie. - Who's she, then?

Holly, you just asked me to erase all Agatha Christie novels from your memory.

Why should I do that? I've never heard of her.

You've never heard of her, 'cause I've just erased her from your smegging memory.

- What did you do that for? - You asked me to!

- When? - Just now!

- I don't remember this. - Oh, I'm going to bed.

This'll go on all night.

(WOMAN) I'm dying!

(MAN) I know, Carol Dr Graham told me everything.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC)

Off!

Had a good day, Lister?

Scrummed enough choccies? Watched enough drivel, have you?

Look at you. You're turning into a sad, middle-aged woman.

Next thing you know, you'll be varnishing your nails and buying girdles.

Oh, yeah, and what've you done that's so great?

I've achieved 17 things today off my daily goal list,

whereas you've never achieved anything ever in your entire life.

- I don't know, y'know. I went to the officers' block. - When?

- This morning. - But it hasn't been decontaminated!

You said it had last week!

No, I said it was on last Thursday's daily goal list!

- And you haven't done it yet?! - Tomorrow.

It's on tomorrow's daily goal list. Item 34, right after "learn Portuguese".

Thanks a lot. Don't tell me.

Why were you mooching around up there, anyway?

I was looking through Kochanski's dream recorder.

She dreamed about me three times, y'know? It was in the log.

So? Clean my teeth, please, Holly.

It must mean something. You don't dream about

someone that you don't feel something for.

Lister, I once had a dream about a baboon. It doesn't mean I want to go to bed with it.

- Must've meant something. - Shave, please, Holly.

Lister, you ought to should take a good long look at yourself,

then you'd see just how ridiculous you appear to other people.

If you'd let me have Kochanski's personality disk

for like, one second, maybe I could find out.

Lister, if you were a Love Celibate like me, you wouldn't have these problems.

Come on, Rimmer, The only reason you knocked around with those prats

from the Love Celibacy Society is you could never get a date.

No it wasn't. I happen to agree with their philosophy that love is a sickness

that holds back your career and makes you want to spend all your money.

And you could never get a date because you let your mum buy all your "casual" clothes.

There's nothing wrong with my casual clothes.

Oh, come on, Rimmer, your trousers were so short

when you crossed your legs, you could see your knees.

What about Yvonne McGruder? That was a date.

She'd been hit on the head by a winch. She had concussion.

That's got nothing to do with it. She was crazy about me.

- Oh yeah? She kept calling you Norman. - She still went to bed with me.

Yeah, because she had wonky vision, and she thought you were somebody else.

Serves her right for being concussed, doesn't it?

Rimmer! You don't know what love is.

Oh, Yes I do, Lister. Love is a device invented by bank managers

to make us overdrawn.

Lights.

Rimmer, love is...

Love is what makes us different from animals.

No, Lister, what makes us different from animals

is we don't use our tongues to clean our own genitals.

Lights! Rimmer, are you awake?

Rimmer! Are you awake?

What? Yes, Mum, I'm just packing my satchel.

- Where am I? What time is it? - I don't feel very well.

- Half past three?! - I feel really ill.

well, you are really ill.

No, I mean REALLY ill

I'm going down to the medical unit. I don't feel very well.

Lights.

Ah, Miss McGruder, where were we?

(PANTS)

I feel really hot.

Hey, this is mine. That's mine.

All this is mine. I'm claiming all this as mine.

Except that bit. I don't want that bit.

But all the rest of this is mine.

Ey, this has been a good day!

I've eaten five times, I've slept six times and I've made a lot of things mine.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna see if I can't have sex with something. Aow! Yeah!

# S-E-X, you know I want it! Aow!

# S-E-X, I'm gonna get it!

# S-E-X, I think I found it... #

Oh, it's you!

Hey, monkey, you're sick.

Sick, helpless and unconscious.

If you weren't my friend, I'd steal your shoes.

Time for a snack.

This way. Aow!

Emergency.

There's an emergency going on.

it's still going on.

It's still an emergency.

Will Arnold Rimmer please hurry to White Corridor 159

This is an emergency announcement.

Food!

(MACHINE) Today's speciality is chicken Marengo.

# I'm gonna eat you, Little chickie, I'm gonna eat you, Little chickie.

# I'm gonna eat you, little chickie #

Ah-ah, too slow, chicken Marengo.

Too slow for this cat.

Hey! This chicken's faster than I thought!

Quick! Lister's fainted! He needs help! Quick!

Didn't you hear me? Didn't anyone hear me? Lister's in trouble.

The monkey - ooh-ooh-ooh! - has fainted. I cannot pick him up. Quick! Come now.

Is there something wrong with you? Lister's collapsed!

- Yeah? - What do you mean "yeah"?, he needs help!

- And? - And if you don't help him, he might die.

Aw, no! That's too bad. I really liked him, too.

- So, come and help him. - What, and interrupt my lunch?!

What is more important, the man's life or your smegging lunch?

That doesn't even deserve an answer.

Right. OK. Fine. You come with me. You get a stretcher.

(RIMMER) Down. Down. Stop.

Rimmer, let the medicomp take my temperature.

Lister, they've got to learn.

Down, down, down, slowly...

Ah, ah, now very, very, very slowly forward.

- Ah! My eye! - Lister, they've got to learn.

- I've just nearly lost an eye! - How about an anal reading?

- I'm alright, I feel fine now! - Well, you're not fine.

And it's your own smegging fault for going up to

the officers' deck before it was decontaminated.

I just wanted to have a look around.

You just wanted to go into Kochanski's quarters and wallow in self pity and look what's it got you.

I'm alright, I've got a touch of pneumonia, that's all.

It's not pneumonia. Three million years ago, it was pneumonia.

Since then, it's bred and mutated and now we don't know what it is.

Why didn't I ask her out?

What's the worst she could've said?

She could've said, "No, you're a filthy, stinking, loathsome,

disgusting object I wouldn't be seen dead with in a plague pit."

She could've said yes. Stranger things have happened.

Only two spring to mind, Lister:

the spontaneous combustion of the Mayor of Warsaw in 1546

and that incident in 12th-century Burgundy when it rained herring.

There's this theory me and Chen used to have.

It's like everyone's got two people inside you

you've got your confidence and your paranoia.

Your confidence is the guy who goes, "Hey, you're great.

you're dead sexy! Everybody loves you!"

Your paranoia says, "You're stupid, useless, you're ugly and everybody hates you."

That's odd, Lister. According to this reading, you're clinically dead.

And what had happened was, my confidence had just about persuaded me to ask

Kochanski out, and as I was walking up to her, he'd go on a business trip to Hawaii or something

I'd be left with my paranoia, saying, "You must be joking, She's gonna laugh in our face."

Sometimes, Lister, you can be quite perceptive and thought-provoking.

Other times, like this, you rant and drivel on like a complete loony.

- Just take me to me bed. - All right, Lister.

OK, you now how it works. Now, release the mechanism very, very, very gently.

Possibly a gnat's more gently than that.

Quick! Get an umbrella! Get an umbrella! Quick!

Get an umbrella! Get an umbrella!

Get an umbrella!

Get an umbrella!

Necrobics. Hologrammatic exercises for the dead.

It's raining! It's raining! Get an umbrella!

It's raining. It's raining...

Holly, what's going on?

- What? - What's happening?

Um, Hercule Poirot's Just stepped off the steaming train.

If you want my opinion, I think they all did it.

Why do we have to have you as the ship's computer?

We'd be better off with a bucket full of sheep slop running things.

If you've got a complaint, just come straight out with it. Don't hide behind innuendo and hyperbole.

- Why is it raining fish in our sleeping quarters?! - I'd be lying if I said I knew.

The only comparable incident on record is in 12th-century Burgundy when it rained herring.

(BELL RINGS)

(MAYOR OF WARSAW EXPLODES)

It really is going to be one of those days, isn't it?

Hey, you're awake!

- Yeah, I just woke up. - I've brought some presents!

- Oh, thanks, you shouldn't have bothered. - Ahaha!, 'cause I'm that kinda guy!

Let's see what we've got in the magic bag, here...

I got you some grapes,

- and I got you an orange. - Oh, thanks a lot. I feel better already.

Well, all this enormous generosity has made me tired. I'm going to bed.

Ah, yes, indeedy.

- You're awake. - Yeah, but I'll be asleep in a minute.

How do you feel?

Fine, just don't ask me anymore questions, I'm trying to sleep!

Shut up, you stupid moggy and out of that bed!

Well, if you're gonna speak to me like that. I'm gonna take my presents back!

- How do you feel? - Hurt!

- I feel great. - Listen, Lister, you had a fever, OK?

- Yeah. - And you started to hallucinate, alright?

- Yeah? - Only your hallucinations... were solid.

- What do you mean 'solid'? - I mean, they were real, alive, solid.

- Solid? - Solid.

- What do you mean "They were solid"?! - OK, I'll put it another way.

- You had hallucinations, all right? - Yeah.

And they were solid.

I told you it wasn't ordinary pneumonia. I told you it was mutated.

- I knew something like this would happen. - OK, what did I hallucinate?

- Well, first of all, it was fish rain. - Fish rain? Yeah, I dreamt that!

- Well, it actually happened. - Where's all the fish?

Somebody ate them!

Then the Mayor of Warsaw spontaneously combusted.

And then you hallucinated two men in the Drive Room.

- What two men? - Apparently, one of them's your confidence

and the other's your paranoia.

You see what I mean, Lister?

Hey! It's the king!

Mr Beautiful!

Hey, you what's the "H" for? Horace? A chair for the king, Horace.

And breakfast. Mr Wonderful wishes to dine.

Have you lost weight? You're looking great. Is he totally perfect or what?

- You're my confidence? - I just love that accent. It makes me go all wibbly!

I don't understand it, you look like the manager of the London Jets

But you sound like Bing Baxter, the American quiz show host.

I'm all the things you associate with confidence, King.

- And you're my paranoia? - Isn't that a urine stain on the front of your trousers?

- What? No, it isn't. It's tea. - So, how are you, anyway?

Isn't that a huge spot appearing on your so-called face?

My God, you've got fat, haven't you? Must be all that lager.

Bet you've got a terminal disease.

Always happens to people who least expect it, don't you find that?

Say hello, then, won't you? Only trying to be friendly.

Davey, baby, what can I say?

Is he the greatest, most handsome, fantastic person ever, or am I insane?

You're insane. Lister, what are you going to do about them?

- Do? What can I do? - I think we should arrest them.

- What for? - For being hallucinations.

Come on, smeghead. It's a bit of company isn't it?

Lister, you're still sick.

These two are symptoms of your disease.

They're like the spots in measles, the swellings in mumps,

the funny walk in cystitis.

Until they're gone, you won't be better.

Hey, now I know what the "H" stands for. "Hidiot"! Am I right?

You are treading a very thin line, miladdo.

The "H" stands for "Hologram". I happen to be dead.

Couldn't happen to a more deserving guy.

Come on, King. Forget those losers. Let's go party.

- No, I forbid it! - Why?

Why do you never listen to Mr Rimmer? He's so much more experienced,

more level-headed, so much... better than you.

Hey! No one is better than Mr. Magnificent, and no one

tells the Prince of Charisma what to do. Right, Prince?

- Yeah, right! - That's my Davey-boy!

I don't believe it, he's socialising with a figment of his imagination.

Yes.

Please note, the dust storm is approaching. The ship exterior is now out of bounds.

All airlocks are being automatically sealed.

Estimated duration. 18 hours.

(OFF-KEY) # ..our love I tried to kindle

# like firelight, it...dwindled

# Now I wonder when this...wind'll ever stop #

- You wrote that? - Yeah, but it was ages ago, y'know...

- That is the greatest love song ever. - Come on!

Ever! It's so deep. The images!

The dwindling, the kindling, all the indling! I love all that stuff!

When I think there's fast-buck merchants Like Bee-thoven and Mozart out there,

grabbing the publicity, and here's you, writing pieces of that calibre,

it makes me wanna weep.

What are you doing with the cigarette butt?

Oh, you've embarrassed me now.

It's just... your lips have touched it. Your lips! The King's kissing lips!

I just wanted some proof that I'd actually met the Duke of Deliciousness!

You're serious, aren't you?

- Serious about what? - Look, I'm a nobody!

Out of 169 people aboard this ship, I ranked 169. Bottom of the pile.

That's because you didn't want all that career stuff.

You wanted your farm on Fiji with you-know-who.

- If she'd've come. - If?!

And turn down the opportunity of becoming the envy of all womankind?

- Oh, we'll never know now. - Why not?

- She's dead. - So? So is Rimmer, bring her back.

I can't. Holly can only sustain one hologram,

and Rimmer's hidden all the other personality disks.

- So? Find them. - I can't.

King, you can do anything.

Anything!

- ..anything. He can't do anything. - Oh, I know, I know. I'll bet five.

Do you know, he used to practise kissing on his own.

- How? - He made lips out of one hand,

then waggled his thumb through the gap like a tongue.

That is priceless, it really is.

Seventeen years old and he used to snog his own hand.

Once, in front of the whole school, he called his gym teacher "Daddy".

I could've died with embarrassment.

Hahaha, what a silly thing to call a gym master...

I'm wracked with guilt. I hate him!

If you hate him, why do you talk about him so much?

Because he makes my life one big, humiliating, cringe-making,

guilt-ridden hell!

Now! Stab him! Stab him! Stab him! Quick! Stab him!

Ah, you haven't met Stabhim. He's one of our skutters.

Stabhim, meet Lister's Paranoia. Lister's Paranoia, this is Stabhim.

Yo, Rimmer listen, we've been thinking.

We think we can get Kochanski back without turning you off.

Oh, he's drunk. Yes, I can smell it from here!

All we gotta do is turn off all unnecessary power systems, and Holly says it'll work.

Ding dong! Another great idea from the people who brought you beer milkshakes!

How can you be so obsessed with a girl you hardly know.

Hardly knows her? You haven't heard the "indling" song!

- # Our love I tried to kindle... # - Not now!

- Lister, you're not having her disk. - Why? Because she'll rank above you?

But she's a bright, good-looking, intelligent, witty, upwardly mobile officer.

Why should she be interested in you?

- Yes, why should she be interested in you? - Yeah, should she be interested in me?

Hmm? Sorry, I was just thinking about that song.

I can't get it out of my head. Why? Because you're great!

You're an incredibly seductive, charming, charismatic young stud!

Yeah, I forgot. That's why she'd be interested in me.

Lister, you're not having her disk or any disk.

Come on, King. You know Rimmer, where would he hide 'em?

- I dunno. - Yes, you do.

- No, he doesn't. - Come on, think "winner".

Outside. Outside the ship.

- Er, wrong, actually! - Where outside?

Well, he'd have to send the skutters, and the disks would have to be safe...

Wrong, wrong! Absolutely brimming over with wrongability.

And they'd have to be right under my nose, so he could laugh at me.

Wrong and getting wronger all the time.

Outside our sleeping quarters.

The solar panel outside our sleeping quarters?

You followed me, you goit!

Is that where they are?! That's incredible! I did it!

Lister?

- How long now, Hol? - Can't be long now, Dave.

Hercule has got all the suspects in one room,

and I'm only two pages from "also by the same author".

No, Holly. The dust storm.

Oh, that Any time now, it's almost subsided.

Hey, how's my baby boy? Oh look! You've got a body like a coat hanger!

How can you make a spacesuit look like eveningwear?

- Let me ask you one question? - It's no use arguing, Rimmer, I'm going.

- Who smashed up the medicomp? - He's stalling, King. Let's go.

Holly, give him a punch up.

Look, what's in it for them smashing up the medical unit?

Lister, come here. Come here.

You are still sick.

- I feel great. - You will not...

You will not...

You will not be better until they've gone.

They know that, and now they've stopped you getting any treatment.

Where's Paranoia?

I don't know. Is it some place near Uruguay?

Who is this joker?

- Lister, they're germs and they're dangerous. - The storm has passed, Dave.

- Airlocks are now released, - What are we waiting for, King?

Nothing.

- Holly, put a trace on Paranoia. - What's a trace?

It's space jargon. It means 'find him'.

No it doesn't. You just made it up to be cool.

- Where is he? - Paranoia is no longer aboard this ship.

(CONFIDENCE) Look at that view, Kingo!

Me and you on top of the world! Makes you wanna dance!

(BOTH) # Cha, cha-cha

# Cha-cha, cha-cha cha-cha

# Cha, cha-cha

# Cha-cha, cha-cha cha-cha #

(LISTER) Hey, here it is!

(CONFIDENCE) # Cha-cha, cha-cha, cha-cha, cha-cha... #

- Did you hear something? - Nope.

In space, no one can hear you cha-cha-cha!

You don't think maybe Paranoia could've got here first do you?

- Forget him, he's no danger. - He smashed up the medical unit.

- No, he didn't. - What do you mean? - I did! - You did?

So we can be together, Davey. You don't wanna get cured. I did it for you!

- So, where did he go, then? - I killed him. Cha-cha-cha...

What do you mean, you killed him, cha-cha-cha?!

Hey, don't look at me like that, he didn't suffer.

I just fed him into the waste grinder

and flushed his mince into space.

Look, I-I'm gonna go inside now.

Gets a little bit hot. I get a little bit claustrophobic in these suits.

- Take your helmet off. - What?!

- Go ahead, take your helmet off! - I'll die

- Why? - There's no oxygen out here!

- Hey, oxygen's for losers. Come on! - I need oxygen!

You don't need anything, King. You're the king!

- You're crazy! - Who told you you needed oxygen, huh?

Some loser who was trying to make you feel small.

Look, I'll prove it to you. I'll take mine off first.

- We'll see who's the crazy one around here! - No!

(WHISTLES)

- Must you do this now? - I'm doing my laundry!

- It's totally disgusting. - What's disgusting?

- Lister? - Yeah?

I just want to say I was right all along.

I said they were germs and they were germs.

Yeah, OK. So what?

And I'm just saying now, that disk will only bring you misery.

I just want you to remember that I said that.

Look, if she comes back and she's not interested, I can handle it.

Whatever, Lister. I want it on record. That disk is a one-way ticket to Miseryville.

Yeah, well I've spent enough time listening to me paranoia.

Now I'm gonna listen to my confidence.

(HUMS MILITARY TUNE)

(JAZZ)

Hi, Krissie... It's not gonna work.

Hello, Krissie... That's not gonna work either.

Hey! Yo! Krissie!

(PATHETICALLY) Hi...

Lister, look, good luck. I mean it.

- Smeg off. - No, honestly, I mean it. Good luck.

OK, Hol. Switch it on.

- Well, he did warn you. - I certainly did.

Do you honestly think I'd put Kochanski's disk in Kochanski's box

where any munchkin could find it?

You think you had it bad before, Lister?

Well, now you've got it in stereo, baby.

- Welcome aboard, Rimmsie. - Nice to be here, Mr. Rimmer, you son of a gun.

# It's cold outside

# There's no kind of atmosphere

# I'm all alone, more or less

# Let me fly far away from here

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

# Drinking fresh mango juice

# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun #