Original subtitles

Fuck this.

Ugh, gosh!

"Gosh," indeed.

What's wrong? You didn't accessorize today.

Oh, says the girl who looks like she's in a Bridgerton/Below Deck crossover episode.

Oh, and also, social media knows that you, like, set fire to stuff.

-Whoa. -That's rude.

Turns out Raven is... a bit of a Google gumshoe.

And he found something... from when I was straight.

-You were straight? -Excuse me?

Yes, I was straight, okay?

I went to a very conservative school.

♪ Yeah, let's go ♪

♪ Okay ♪

-♪ Call me Britney, bitch ♪ -Mm.

♪ 'Cause my life's a circus ♪

♪ These girls see me They go berserk-us ♪

♪ I love me some titty And I love me some ass ♪

♪ When I pull up to the club I'm up on that ass ♪

♪ A guy who likes pussy That's what I am ♪

♪ Cunnilingus, they call that The Gary grand slam ♪

♪ I bed these girls Right where they lay ♪

♪ Clean up on aisle clit Like I'm Timmy Chalamet ♪

♪ Yeah, Tufnell Park ♪

♪ This goes out to my home brothers ♪

Gary Gibbons?

You shouldn't shame me for my name, okay?

It's wrong, and it's not nice.

And it should be illegal and against the law.

Some people are made, okay? Made, not born.

And some people are born... Garys.

Hmm.

Did you ever clean up on aisle clit?

It's really, uh... hooky.

Stop. It's not hooky. That's the whole point!

It's just not hooky!

How is that... Like, the one thing I'm bad at, I film.

How many... How many producers on that song?

-Nine. Nine producers, yeah. Thank you. -Mm!

-It's not even a hook. -Britney!

Is it a bit weird around here?

I'd say. Are you drinking a Diet Pepsi?

I am. It's my... my only comfort.

Uh, are you okay?

Uh, it seems the whole group is... offish.

Oh, myself included.

I mean, I guess I'm just grateful

that Felix showed me his true colors, you know?

I thought I loved his crazy ass.

I do love him... to fuck off! I'd love that!

I mean, last week I suggested that we get a... joint bank account.

'Cause I thought it'd be fun.

And then he laughed 'cause he thought I was kidding. I wasn't. I was serious.

I guess I'll just have to get used to being alone, you know?

And then, in emergencies, I'll have a...

a kindly sex worker to come over and jerk me off and get outta my hair.

I mean, I could just look at sex like this, like, medical thing.

And then I could look at love as, like, this lie.

All right.

Too much!

Astrid?

Why are you breathing so weird?

You okay?

Fuck. Shh, it's okay.

Oh fuck! Oh fuck!

Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Oh fuck!

It's okay.

I've definitely seen a vet somewhere around here.

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

-...to have a look. -Excuse me. This is a dog.

It's breathing really weird. Can I see a vet?

-Uh, like, I need to see a... Ugh. -I'm so sorry.

You can bring him in on Wednesday at two o'clock.

-Excuse me. -Oh!

There's... like, listen to the sound of this dog.

It's really fucked up. I need to see a vet, please.

There's no heartbeat. Get the oxygen.

Can you draw anything?

No pulse.

I think she's gone.

Fuck.

Oh fuck.

Oh fuck.

Oh fuck.

Oh fuck. I'm sorry.

Oh fuck.

Oh fuck. I'm sorry.

Oh my God! Is she okay?

Oh my God! Oh my God!

Oh my God! No! No, she's okay!

-She was probably looking for me! -It's okay.

-I knew that I was right about you. -Can I just have a minute?

No, you are just like every selfish man I've ever met.

-Can I have a minute? -You think you're so special.

-And you are a lie! You're a liar! -Please, can I have a fucking minute?

-You're just performing for everyone. -Please.

-You act different. -I didn't kill your dog. Please.

Please, can I just have a minute? Please. Can I just have a minute? Please.

Please.

Oh, I'm so sorry that you're crying, that I made you cry.

You fucking cheated on me, and my dog just died!

You'll never know what it's like to take care of somebody else!

Stop! Oh my God!

Please can you just fucking fuck off for like five minutes, please?

Just fuck off for like five minutes.

-Please! -Okay. Okay. I will come over here.

Look, I'm sorry that your dog died, okay?

I'm sorry you've been through shit. Like...

I get that it's hard for you,

but, like, it's hard for fucking everyone, okay?

I'm trying.

But, like, I'm a piece of shit.

That's what I am, okay? I've shown you that. I've told you that.

You asked me to tell you everything about myself.

I've told you, I'm a fucking piece of shit.

But you're the fucking same.

You come here, you act like you're turning your life around.

You're the same fucking bitch who came from New York.

Honestly, fuck you.

You're not allowed to talk to me like that.

I have been so kind to you.

And I... I sing for you, and I took care of you.

You're not allowed to call me a bitch! I'm good! I'm not a bitch! I'm good!

I'm special, and I'm bright, and you don't care!

I can't believe you put me in the position that you did.

You fucking cheated on me!

I know that I'm not perfect, but I would never do that to you.

And you're mean.

Cool.

♪ Thinkin' 'bout you ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ In the moment ♪

♪ Thinkin' 'bout you ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ In the moment ♪

Hey! How is my reigning queen of Christmas?

Apparently not happy with her gifts.

The irony is that I hate Christmas.

I like New Year's Eve better because it's kinda chic to spend it alone.

Mm, is it? What's goin' on, honey?

Astrid died, and Felix and I broke up, and I put everyone that I know on blast,

and it somehow all happened within the same 24 hours.

Well, you've always liked to go big or... go home.

Yep, that's the phrase.

No, I mean, come home.

You've succeeded there beyond our wildest dreams.

So just come back here, and I'll rep you for ads.

We can start your career.

So just wrap up there, and I'll get you a ticket.

♪ In the moment ♪

Do you care to tell me what was so important

that you had to talk to me right now and take an Uber all the way out here

rather than just waiting until I drop Dash off

at your "home" this weekend?

And I'm using the term "home" loosely

because no one above 40 should live in a communal space in Bushwick.

It's like a slutty salad bar.

I... I agree with that.

Are you wearing your wedding ring?

Yeah.

Yeah, I am.

Because I can't take you hating me anymore.

When you hate me, I hate myself.

Well, I thought you were freeing yourself from the chains of codependence,

so how I feel about you really shouldn't matter at all.

It turns out, I don't wanna be free.

It turns out, feeling trapped in our life is freedom to me.

Did that sound more romantic when you thought it?

It did.

It... It definitely sounded different in the Uber.

Both Codies dumped you, didn't they?

No, one Cody dumped me. Just the... the girl Cody.

The boy Cody is still floatin' around. But I don't want that.

I don't want any of that.

I wanna come home.

I want you.

But I'm very, very angry at you.

Then you should be angry.

I'm not afraid of you being angry anymore.

What if I yell at you all the time and I'm a horrible shrew,

then one day, I get so bad that I, like, put a screwdriver

in your chest or something?

I think that sounds nice.

Yeah. I've had a bit of a shitty day, actually.

But, um... come here and, you know, try some shit out.

So, uh... thank you.

♪ In this modern panic ♪

♪ Romance is flawed ♪

♪ And everything you transmit ♪

♪ Cannot be ignored ♪

♪ Alone in lust ♪

♪ A road to rust ♪

♪ In this true love trajectory ♪

♪ My love was never meant to be ♪

♪ For us ♪

♪ Come a little closer ♪

♪ I got nothin' to hide ♪

♪ How do I live in the moment ♪

♪ When I don't have much time? ♪

♪ Alone in lust ♪

♪ A road to rust ♪

♪ In this true love trajectory ♪

♪ My love was never meant to be ♪

♪ For us ♪

Thanks.

♪ Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye ♪

♪ You were bigger than the whole sky ♪

♪ You were more than just a short time ♪

♪ And I've got a lot to pine about ♪

♪ I've got a lot to live without ♪

♪ I'm never gonna meet ♪

♪ What could've been, would've been ♪

♪ What should've been you ♪

♪ What could've been, would've been you ♪

♪ Did some bird ♪

♪ Flap its wings over in Asia? ♪

♪ Did some force ♪

♪ Take you because I didn't pray? ♪

♪ Every single thing ♪

♪ To come has turned into ashes ♪

♪ 'Cause it's all over ♪

♪ It's not meant to be ♪

♪ So I'll say words I don't believe ♪

♪ Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye ♪

♪ You were bigger than the whole sky ♪

♪ You were more than just a short time ♪

♪ And I've got a lot to pine about ♪

♪ I've got a lot to live without ♪

♪ I'm never gonna meet ♪

♪ What could've been, would've been ♪

♪ What should've been you ♪

♪ What could've been, would've been you ♪

♪ What could've been, would've been ♪

♪ What should've been you ♪

♪ Could've been, would've been you ♪

-Oh. I didn't see you. -I'm so sorry I'm late.

I, um... This meeting that ran over.

-It was a whole thing. I'm so sorry. Hey! -Hi.

Um, I hope it's okay I reached out like this.

I, um... I know I could have, like, DMed you or something, but

this feels more personal.

Yeah. I mean, it's personal 'cause we're in person.

I'm glad that you text me. It felt personal.

I love your hat, your sassy hat.

Oh my God, thank you. I could send you one.

Uh, we have orchid and nude,

or I could do a custom color if you wanted, or...

Wow, that's so nice. Yeah, maybe you can choose a color.

Yeah. Um, I think an acid green would be nice.

I love acid green.

Um, okay.

Um, so...

Sorry.

Um...

Okay. I've been... putting some pieces together, and...

I'm... I'm sorry to ask you this.

I... I was just kinda hoping you could help me out.

Oh my God. Yeah!

Whatever it is... I mean, however I can. Yeah, sure.

So, Zev, um...

When we first started dating,

he told me that you guys had been separated for six months.

He said that we were separated? That's... insane.

Yeah. He said, um, you were in therapy and you decided it wasn't right.

And then, um, you consciously...

Uncoupled? Don't say that he said we "consciously uncoupled."

That's so funny, I can't even laugh.

Yeah, this is obviously what I was sensing.

Your face cream was in the bathroom cabinet, and I was like,

"Why does this guy have so much Cupcake Rosé around?"

-Do you like Cupcake Rosé? -That's mine, yep.

But he just was like, "Oh no. I love La Roche Posay and pink wine."

This guy's kind of a dick, huh?

He's, like, so fucking sarcastic. Jesus.

Yeah, it's like, he chooses strong women just to tear us down.

I mean, it's not gonna age well.

Actually, the truth is he'll probably just find women

to do this to forever.

But not us.

It's so funny.

I mean, I've thought about this moment in so many different ways. Like...

Wondered how it would happen.

If I'd run into you guys on the street and say something really cutting.

Or see you at his funeral and whisper, "You're free now."

And run off in a cape.

Or win an Oscar for coolest ex-girlfriend and dedicate it to you.

This is so much better. 'Cause you're really lovely.

God, I've just... I've been holding on to this shit for so long,

and I don't really want to anymore.

You know, I feel like I realize now

that my joy's not gonna come from his destruction or yours.

I'm just sorry that I didn't figure that out sooner.

Oh my God, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry if I was a part of something that hurt you.

I... It's just, like, really not my deal.

I don't fuck with other women.

Like, I truly believe that we can just

ease the burden for each other, you know, generally.

Oh my God, yeah.

And, like, if you've experienced trauma from this, like, I know him.

I know how he is. Like, I'm here to help you.

I'm here. Like, we can talk about it. We can start a, like, first wives club,

and we can maybe come up with a plan to embarrass him.

Or, um, sort of, uh, get some of his money...

Definitely not that.

No.

I, um...

I'm actually fine.

I'm gonna be fine.

I, um...

Yeah, I don't know. Sometimes things just don't work out.

You throw yourself in feet first,

and then if it doesn't feel right, you throw yourself right back out.

Yeah, I guess sometimes things just don't work out.

I don't know. I think it just, like,

makes way for what's right, or at least what's wrong.

This is really specific...

But did he, like, not wanna give you head?

Like, literally ever?

-He managed to go everywhere, but... -I know!

He never ever gives head!

It's like he has some sort of...

Oh my God!

...nervous, like, phobia of pubic hair or something.

And his cum tastes weird.

I mean, cum always tastes weird, but his really tastes weird.

-Also, I feel like he's into his mom. -Oh my God.

-Like, he looks at her tits. I can tell. -No, please. I can't. I can't.

But, hey, I really do, um, you know, hope you have that happy ending.

I mean, I want it for myself too, to be clear, but... I don't know.

You seem like you've been through a lot, and I hope you find

the perfect person for... for you.

I mean, not the perfect man.

Lord knows that doesn't exist.

But, you know, perfect for you.

I guess I kinda feel like I did.

But I don't think he was ready. Or maybe I wasn't ready.

Either way, we, like, fucked it up. Mm, ruined it.

Are you sure?

I always say I can forgive

pretty much anyone who's willing to say sorry.

And who tells the truth.

Will you be ordering anything?

I think we're good.

-Thanks. -No problem.

You're my best friend.

It was really nice to meet you. Thank you for doing this.

Thanks.

-I almost kissed your hand. -Don't.

But no, I won't kiss your hand.

Oh, thank you so fucking much.

Anything for you, my queen. Um, question. Where we goin'?

Okay. Do you know the M25?

Uh, yeah, I mean, it's an entire motorway. Uh, encircles most of Greater London.

Oh yeah, that! I'd recognize that service station anywhere.

They've got a beautiful Pizza Express, and that place fucks!

Let's bloody go!

Oh my God, go!

Come on! We're just sitting here. Don't you know any shortcuts or something?

Shortcuts? Uh...

Gaz, you're an animal!

-Oh my God, here we go! -I play a lot of Grand Theft Auto.

Ooh!

I'm sorry if my driving's a little bit erratic.

Oh my God.

Ah, it's fine. Sorry. I didn't get much sleep last night, to be honest.

Oh my God, me either. I mean, that couple next door really fights hard.

Uh, I actually have a few things to confess.

Uh, for starters, that's actually my spot.

You live there? Who keeps yelling "cunt"?

Uh, that's my mum. Mostly.

If she was a man, I would have called the police,

but, um, her female energy is unmatched.

Secondly, there was never a dog. That was a lie.

-Keep those eyes open. -Okay. All right.

And my leg was completely fine. It never really got bitten off.

It's just... Um, I wanted you to think I was cool.

I mean, you are cool. You're cool. You're the coolest, coolest guy in London.

I'm all right.

-You're okay! You're okay. -What? What you doing?

Final confession, I am in love with you.

What are you talking about?

Gaz, that is crazy!

No, I am. Seriously.

I've loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you for the first time.

What? I'm old enough to be your mother!

When you first met me, you thought I was the person on my phone. This person!

If you was my mum, you would have had to have me when you was nine.

My point being is that you understand me, Jessica.

-All right? You laugh with me, not at me. -Oh!

And if I'm being completely honest, you're my rock.

That's the most lovely thing I've heard.

I'm not trying to be condescending, but you don't love me.

You just live with angry British people who throw things and yell.

I see your sweetness and your softness.

Now that I am thinking about it, I've never wanked to you.

Well, that's fuckin' rude of you to say.

I might be your mom, but I'm your hot teen mom.

I'm too naughty. You don't wanna mess with me.

You don't wanna see what I can do to a popsicle.

There they are. All the lot of those freaks.

What do we want? Low emissions!

When do we want them?

All right. Just drop me off here. I'll get out.

Get out? Well, I... I can't stop on a motorway, so just bear with me.

Thank you, Gaz.

Anything for you, my American beauty.

-Okay. -All right. Hang on a minute...

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Sorry, Gaz!

No, I'll be... One second.

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Don't move!

I'm just comin' out of nowhere. Just stop looking at me.

-When do we want them? -Soon! I

-What do we want? -Low emissions!

I need glue! Who has glue?

Some of us actually have jobs, you fuckwits!

You should have taken the train, shouldn't you?

Who has glue?

-When do we want them? -Soon!

-What do we want? -Low emissions!

When do we want them?

Hi. I don't care that you fucked old lady.

Oh yeah, sorry. I feel really bad about that.

But, like, for the record, I don't even think she was that old.

Well, you said old, so I figured over 60.

Well, maybe. She might be late 50s.

It feels like... Don't get me wrong. Like, I would fuck an old lady.

What?

No, but, as in, I feel like you're picturing someone really old.

Like... Like gray hair. Like, really haggard and, like, wrinkly.

But, like, she's, like, I dunno.

She probably, like, puts milk and oil on her face and stuff.

Like, she has, like, that vibe.

Actually, sorry. I dunno why I'm fighting you on this.

I'm happy to see you.

I feel like when I'm with you, I'm, like, safe.

And also, it can be scary 'cause I think you're the most surprising,

amazing, like, brilliant, like, freaky creative alien I've ever met.

And that can make me feel scared. The idea of losing you is really scary.

And so I think I just sped up the process of breaking up.

We broke up 'cause of that,

though you shouldn't have fucked that woman.

That's what I did. I'm Mr. Sabotage. Like...

Like, I did as much of that as you did.

Amen.

We're the sabotage twins.

I don't wanna be twins, though, 'cause I still...

-I don't... -You crack on.

Okay.

I think, um, that you're like this alien, but you also feel like home, you know?

It just doesn't make sense,

but it also makes so much sense, the most sense to me.

Just us. We don't make sense, but we also make sense.

-Guys, the pigs. What do we want? -Low emissions!

When do we want them?

My time here in London's over, but I wanted you to know before I left...

-Okay, the police are here. -Shit.

...what this time meant to me.

I adore you. And I... I don't wanna live in fear and regret, you know?

I don't wanna live with that. I wanna feel light.

And I want to let you know that you're wonderful.

Not despite all of your baggage, but because of it.

You, like, healed me.

-Are you sure? -Please don't arrest me!

Please! I... I'm a capitalist, you know?

I love global warming! I think it's great. I mean, it's part of life, right?

That... Is... Is that a spatula? You guys are really winging it.

Okay! I'm getting up. I'm getting up.

I don't understand why he's not getting arrested but I am.

Haven't you done anything for love?

I mean, I'm just making a big motion for love.

I wanted to tell him that I love him!

Do you wanna get married?

What?

It's a genuine question. Do you want to get married?

-Are you making fun of me? -No.

Uh... I just, um... I feel like it's a weird time.

Am I not getting... Why are you arresting her, not me?

-Are you taking me? -Is someone else gonna arrest me?

-I think I need to think about it... -Why have you arrested her?

Okay, be careful with them! All right? You don't need to drag them like that!

Actually, can I jump in together with you guys?

Just 'cause, like, Ubers are really expensive.

-We're in the middle of a conversation. -I don't know if you have weapons.

Are we getting in the same car? I feel like you're so...

Oh my God! Go, go, go!

Don't... Don't let... He's really fast.

You don't want him. He's a really good Christian.

♪ I'm so tired of workin' every day... ♪

Yes, yes! Got it.

♪ If you've got the cab fare, mister You'll do all right ♪

♪ I want to see The bright lights tonight ♪

♪ A couple of drunken nights Rollin' on the floor... ♪

Welcome home.

Never again will a man get between us, girls. Never.

-Fuck Trent! -Fuck him! Fuck him!

-We were so close. -Morning.

Oh, morning!

Gorgeous! Lots of engagement.

-Nice and loose. Come on. -And then come down here. Fantastic!

That's excellent! So good, darling.

Yes! Now we're gonna trot. Dum, dum, dum!

♪ I wanna see the bright lights tonight ♪

Can you imagine? This is genuine monkey fur.

Oh, really?

Actually, we don't have to imagine because we're seeing it.

-But touch it. -I would rather not.

-No, Mom. It's upsetting. -Ingrates.

-Because gorillas think. -They think.

And they can... ...sign.

-And they think. -You just don't like me.

-Know what, Grandma? I'll take it. -Are you sure? Otherwise...

Grandma, look at me. I want a picture of you.

Your lens cap is on, though.

Honey, I was a photo minor. I know when my lens cap is on.

Well, he is right, but you're spiritually right.

She's always right.

Strange, isn't it? We use the word, um, "matrimony" to mean the married state,

But actually... Do you know, what it actually derives from

is "mater," meaning "mother."

And then the second part, "monia," means an activity or a device towards something.

So the matrimony means preparing a girl, not to be married,

but to be a mother.

Do you think they'll have vanilla cake, Pa?

Victoria sponge.

I bet you she wears something from ASOS. Not to be rude.

That's not rude. I mean, she'd make Gucci look like ASOS.

Please stop the gossip. Like, my heart is broken.

You're so brave.

Just muy caliente. So brave.

-I'm brave and sexy. -I know.

I hope they will get divorced when they see the outfit.

-They will, 100%. -Daisies?

-Do you want some daisies? -There you go.

-Daisy for a daisy. -Oh wow. Smells like shit.

Sorry, but what the fuck are you wearing?

What, are you having a duvet day? You're wearing white to a wedding.

You look like a baby that's about to get christened.

It's insane.

You're not very nice to me, and I don't like it at all.

What?

What? I didn't realize you wanted me to be nice to you.

-What are you talking about? -Have you, uh, ever been divorced?

I have.

Would you like to again?

Uh, I don't shop in that aisle anymore, but thank you.

Ah, well, uh, my hair's quite long,

so if my head were between your legs, you'd hardly notice.

That's... That's a joke about eating my pussy. Okay.

Honey, you've gotta go... uh, explore the space.

-Lovely to meet you. -It's an amazing church.

-Thank you. -Kim, can I talk to you?

Uh, yes. Speak freely.

Um...

My behavior was pretty inexcusable in so many different ways,

and I'm really sorry.

But... if you wanna do anything we did again...

Um... you let me know.

-Okay. -Okay.

I'll think about it.

Please do.

Still thinking.

Okay.

-They're coming! Here they come! -They're coming!

Dear Jessica, here's your T-shirt.

I would never have worn it if I thought someone else was missing it so much,

but thank you for letting me hold on to it for a while.

It was a great transitional wardrobe moment,

but I definitely won't be needing it this season.

Hopefully the next shirt will fit me a little better.

Hope you can make this one work with your new look.

Yours, Wendy Jones.

P.S. You're funny. I fuck with you.

-How long do you wanna stay married? -Wait, what?

Fuck you. That's not funny. Are you kidding?

Are you kidding?

I'm kidding.

Or am I?

Stop. Stop it. You're kidding. That's enough.

-Am I? -Stop!

Just like that! And cut!

♪ In this modern panic ♪

♪ Romance is flawed ♪

♪ And everything you transmit ♪

♪ Cannot be ignored ♪

♪ Is this cycle magic? ♪

♪ Or just a cosmic force? ♪

♪ Are we a habit? ♪

♪ All of my thoughts ♪

♪ Alone in lust ♪

♪ A road to rust ♪

♪ In this true love trajectory ♪

♪ My love was never meant to be ♪

♪ For us ♪

♪ On this lonely planet ♪

♪ We can't protect our world ♪

♪ 'Cause we're collateral damage ♪

♪ And it's so out of control ♪

♪ So what's the use of planning ♪

♪ When all I do is fold? ♪

♪ Trippin' over our sadness ♪

♪ I'm waiting for your call ♪

♪ Alone in lust ♪

♪ A road to rust ♪

♪ In this true love trajectory ♪

♪ My love was never meant to be ♪

♪ For us ♪