Original subtitles

Zev, we spoke last time about how you're starting this life with Wendy,

but you've been talking so much about your past issues with Jessica.

The ways in which she hurt you and angered you.

So I'm just wondering...

I'm wondering why...

Why, if it... if it was so markedly dysfunctional,

why do you think that you spent seven years with her?

Uh...

Well, okay, I know it's only our second session, but

let's just say

my mom, Sharon, is a classic.

You've met your fair share of Sharons, I'm sure.

You know, that... that typical Jewish mother

who loves you so much that by the time you're 19,

you haven't learned to turn a fucking washing machine on.

The kind of mom that... tucks in your shirt and zips up your pants

and wipes food off your face with her own spit.

And, you know, when she's loving you and... feeding you

and... covering you in blankets

that you don't really need or even ask for, well, it...

It feels like love.

But it comes at a price.

Because to get that love, I have to tell Sharon,

or we all have to tell our own Sharons, that I love her best of all.

That no one can compare.

That when I'm on my deathbed and my life is flashing before my eyes,

that she's who I'll see.

You know, I'll only see Sharon.

If she wanted a hype man, she should have been a rapper, not a mother, but...

She trained me, Jane. She trained me well.

We're late now. Let's go.

Since when do you care if we're late? You'd be late to my funeral.

These people don't roll like that. Being on time is like being an hour early.

Why is there, like, loose horses?

There's shit everywhere.

At least it's not human shit. That'd be weird.

-Are you sure my outfit's okay? -Yeah.

I've only been inside of a church once, to donate blood.

I feel like I should be wearing a hat or something.

-Do you even have a hat? -Like, a beanie, of course.

Okay, listen. You haven't seen me like this before.

-But I actually feel pretty weird. -Oh my God.

I feel a bit fizzy. Know what I mean?

-Kind of tight. White noise-y, okay? -You mean nervous?

-Yeah, maybe. -You look like you're gonna pass out.

Apart from Auggie and Polly, these aren't really my people. Okay?

Actually, a lot of them are proper shit-heels, so... Know what I mean?

Why don't we just go home and eat cheese toasties?

I don't know. I feel weirdly loyal to the groom

'cause he was the only boy in my year who didn't call me "Felix Ramen."

Wait, that's, like, a racist nickname.

Yeah, it's a racist nickname.

I'm not saying we can't be ourselves. I'm just saying, like...

I don't know.

You know what I'm saying, right? Just sort of not our full selves.

Yes, over and out. I hear you, Mr. Felix.

I feel you had such a stressful week with your family.

And I'm really happy you opened up to me.

-I love you so much. -And do you, Georgia-Peach...

Sorry, sorry.

Hi, sorry.

...Georgia-Peach Niklaus Carrabest, take this man,

Oriel Terrabianco, to be your husband?

Will you love, comfort, honor, and protect him

all the days of your life?

I will.

I truly will.

Georgia and Oriel...

-They're really cute together. -Yeah.

...in their marriage, and do you, Oriel, take this woman...

You don't have to finish. This woman is my lifeblood.

Legally speaking, I do have to have you say...

I do! I bloody do.

Excellent.

And will you, the families and friends of Georgia and Oriel,

support and uphold them in their marriage,

now and in the years to come?

We will.

Then I proclaim... you...

...man and wife.

Man and wife.

You're stood on it. Remove your foot.

Yeah!

Congrats, guys!

I thought you guys were fighting.

We just pretended it didn't happen. We're literally fine now. Sorry.

In that case... Polly! Auggie! Hey!

That was so moving! Did you see how they were devouring each other?

-Yeah! -A lot of tongue!

Polly wept through the whole thing.

It was a bit trad for a sex-positive pseudo-Marxist like me.

But... I like your dress, Jessica. You look like...

-A wave crashing on a barren shore. -Yeah.

Is that a compliment?

-Yeah, in a nice way. Poetic, French way. -I'll take it as such.

-That is not what I was gonna say. -Oh. What were you gonna say?

-It's a powerful dress. -Yeah.

You all right, dude?

-What up? -Yeah.

Yes, Georgia, eat it up! No crumbs.

In fact, can we just have family, please?

Okay. Thanks.

And actually, I'd love Daddy next to me.

Course, darling! Daddy's coming up behind you.

Then just me and my groom, please, everybody.

Filthy. Filthy.

Oh. Wearing white at someone else's wedding.

That's pretty bold.

Oh, I'm the maid of honor. She's my sister.

Otherwise, I'd be wearing my signature color, black.

Oh. Yeah, wearing neutrals is a way of saying that you give up, right?

Unless you're a boy with a pretty face.

But I know that you didn't pick this, so I'm not judging.

-You seem fun! -You're fun!

-You're fun! -Ow! Kidding.

You're really funny!

Wanna hide behind the stables with me and have a fag?

Hang on.

-Gone and done it, my man! -Wow. Come here.

-Mwah. -Ah, yeah.

-Congratulations! Come on, dude. -Yum, yum.

I wanna be happy for her, I do. But it's hard.

Hey, did you think when I was an amateur going drawers-down in the sandpit

I'd be locked down and loved up?

I mean, yeah!

He's going to love a baby right into me in Mustique next week,

is what he's going to do.

-Cool. -Twins.

-Hey! -Shit. Hi.

Congratulations!

Sorry about our big grand entrance.

-This is, uh, um... -His girlfriend.

-I'm Jessica. -Yeah, Jess.

You look so gorgeous. Really sensual dress.

Uh, you look like one of those beautiful Madame Alexander dolls.

You know, those ones you keep in the box, or else you'll get spanked.

Chisel pocket.

Uh-oh. Yeah.

Oh, powdered drugs! Is that your something borrowed?

What?

Why would I borrow my drugs? Then I can't just do them.

Right, well, better get on

before my groom puts his willy somewhere it doesn't belong.

-Yuck. -It's right where it belongs.

You look lovely. Congrats, old bean! See you later.

"Old bean?" You're talking different, old boy.

-Shut up. -You are.

Felix Ramen! If it isn't the man with the golden spliff.

-What's up, you big tosser? -I'm good. Sober for a year.

-No way! Congrats! -I start on Monday.

Giacomo, is that brothel you're running still raking it in?

Matchmaking for high-end individuals. Absolutely nothing dodgy about it.

Georgia is related to the late queen. Distant cousins.

Here he goes. Auggie's obsessed with the royals.

It's weird, given his politics, but he's such a royalist.

I used to lie in bed and dream the queen was my mother.

-Yikes! -Yeah. Her whole essence was so cozy.

Are you sure you're not mixing her up with Rue McClanahan?

-Who? -From Golden Girls.

No one knows who that is.

Oh, hey, Wheezy.

-Hey! -You all right?

-Long time no see, stranger. -Hi.

I think it was, um, that Premier Inn in Orpington.

Yeah, shit! Crazy.

-Hi. -How are you?

Yeah, good.

We'll say hi later, like, uh, for real.

Sure, will do. Will do.

If you think you're gonna get Wheezy back,

you've got another thing coming.

-He's kidding. -Okay. He knows about it?

I thought I said only women.

See you guys later. This is Jess, by the way.

-In a haunted hotel? -Oh, hey.

-Hey! How are you? -Look what the cat dragged in.

-Am I the cat? I'm Jessica. -Hi.

Oh.

Honestly, Felix, I've been having so many dreams about you lately.

Oh yeah?

In some, we kiss in a wind tunnel,

and in others, I whip you from limb to limb.

That's so weird. I love your little bow.

-It's actually a Victorian hairpin. -Nice.

It holds a lock of hair from Dante Gabriel Rossetti's lover.

-Nice. Okay. -She was poisoned by laudanum.

And he kept her body for three days, praying it back to life.

-Where the hell did you get that? -Mushrooms.

-You don't need mushrooms. -Yes, I do.

Your homme de girolles, where is he?

I have to turn this searing emotional pain into compelling psychedelic imagery.

-You'll be all right? -Of course.

Go, Felix. I will protect her at all cost.

-Please, please, please. -Hope she means it.

Don't worry about us. I've got... I've got the girls.

-Girls' day. -Sisters.

Just with my best friends.

Yeah. Mm.

Should we go inside? I wanna see what toothpaste they use.

Oh. They don't usually let you go inside.

But I had sex with one of the cousins, so maybe we can try.

-That's not your cousin, right? -I don't know.

This house is just for display.

It's been in their family for 4,000 years.

I don't think that's right.

And everyone's buried in the lawn.

I mean, except Georgia's mother, because she had intensity issues.

So, my one note would be to replace

some of these creepy portraits of men in coats

with creepy portraits of dogs in coats.

That would be so funny!

You know what?

If I see Wheezy Van Der Waal today, I'm gonna kick her ass.

-Excuse me? -I'm not a jealous person, as you can see.

Uh, I'm free. I trust myself.

I mean, I'm French.

You're French?! I thought you were from Ohio!

So funny.

I mean, Wheezy was like my sister.

We grew up together, went to school together,

came to England together.

We shared everything. Minds, secrets, bra, panties.

And then I went just one month in Marseille, and... she seduced Felix.

And honestly, that... broke my heart.

But that's why I'm gonna kick her fucking ass today if I saw her.

Okay, I'm sorry. That's just... That's a lot for me to process.

So basically, she was kind of cheating on you

while he was cheating on you?

But it's not about Felix anymore. It's about justice.

Hmm.

Yeah, I mean, I get it.

I was actually going through a really bad breakup, and my ex...

You know what? I'm bored and hungry. I'm gonna get some food.

Okay. Grab me a snack.

Oh my God!

Ah, Marie Antoinette, you are trash compared to me!

Uh, hi!

-Wanna fuck me in the loo? -I can't hear you.

Wanna fuck in the loo? I'll blow you in the bathroom.

-What is she saying? -Uh, she's...

I'll swallow this time.

-She'll blow you. -Yeah, later. Later. Later.

-Hi! -Oh!

Oh my God. Hi. I love your dress.

It's more my style. Do you wanna trade?

Oh. Okay. Why?

-I need a wee! -Here we go. All right.

Grow these myself, mate, in Sussex. They are no fucking joke.

-Great, just hand 'em over. -Yeah, but start with one, all right?

Bold to show up with your front bitch when all your back bitches are here.

What? It'll be fine. We're all friends. Dude, what the fuck are you doing?

-Settle down. -Mm!

Tastes like dirt and liberation.

Actually, could you hold onto these for me for a second?

One chick from Bridgerton's here. I'm gonna show her my caravan.

All right, good luck.

I've lost my bird.

-You're fucked, mate. -Here's hoping.

Did I just say "bird"? Why am I saying "bird"?

Uh, you all right? Hi.

-Hi, Felix! -Hey. Hi.

-Ah, hiya! -Hi! Mm.

Whoa, okay. Hi.

Hello.

You all right?

You know I have a child now?

Oh, yeah, no, I heard something about that.

After you stopped calling me back,

I married the therapist I saw in order to recover.

Always happy to help.

Is he here? Can I meet him?

He's 74, so he prefers it at home.

But I can't find my daughter anywhere.

Hyacinth?

Hyacinth, darling!

Help me look. It's the least you could do.

Um, excuse me. Have you seen, like, a small, you know,

a person who's younger than...

Child. It's called a child.

-She's looking for her child. Do you have... -No.

Uh, what are those?

-A truffled tartare heart. -No.

Mm.

You know, if I wasn't clear enough when we last saw each other,

you're an absolutely terrible boyfriend.

World's worst.

That's a bit excessive, don't you think?

It would be one thing if you were just an arsehole, but

you were sweet, romantic, and amusing.

And then you disappeared.

Good luck to whoever you came here with.

What you doing? Okay.

Mm-hmm.

Whoa.

Really taking a sniff, huh?

Can I...

-Can we let... Can we let go? Yeah. -Mm.

Nice to see you, though.

Mm. Hyacinth!

Hyacinth, where are you?

Bump for the bride?

Yes. The food is gonna be delicious!

-I can't wait. I'm starving. -Just a little one.

Just so you know, I'm right out here if you need help with your wee.

Oh, there you are.

What? No.

No. I stopped thinking about you. Stop following me.

How can I follow you around at a party I'm not even at?

I may have my flaws, but this one's on you, honey.

Where's your "boyfriend"?

He's outside, helping a friend locate drugs

'cause he's a very nice, fun guy.

And I'm helping a girl go wee.

You're talking all English now.

A month or so, and you're Carey Mulligan?

Of course that's the only British person you've heard of.

You probably jerk off to her nude scene in Shame on repeat.

-You fucking pervert. -Come on, now. Let's not fight.

How'd it go?

Whoa. Okay, that's enough.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom now.

Do you still like spit in your mouth?

Okay. I am by myself.

You're normal. You're normal. Okay.

Beverage, sir?

Oh no, I'm all right, thank you.

Actually, fuck it. I'll have one. Thanks. What's the worst that can happen?

You're normal. You're normal.

You're a normal girl. You're a normal girl.

Ghosts don't eat pussy. You're a normal girl.

Thanks.

Okay.

What actually happened? What?

No. Okay.

Oh, fuck!

Okay.

Come on!

Help! Help!

Grub's up.

Oh my God! Okay.

Okay.

In you go! Come on.

Fuck! Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Hugging my body. Hugging by body to the wall.

You can do it.

Okay. Hugging my body to the wall.

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Oh my God!

Okay.

Fuck.

I'm just gonna... In this way?

Thing is, it's not a scent bar, and it's not a scent lab.

-It's a scent closet. -Closet?

Closet. It was my favorite word when I was a kid.

-I haven't even really started yet. -You haven't even started?

Yes. that's why there's drama online, this business I haven't even started.

-My parents both died last week. -I'm sorry.

Bit of an unfortunate coincidence, but you know, that's life.

The thing about Teslas is, you look like Batman, not in the cool way.

There you are, you wench!

Where were you? Left me to go to the cinema on my ones!

Oh, I was just, like, sleeping.

Oh! How was your fag?

Sorry, that word sounds terrible out of my mouth.

-I don't think I'll get past it. -Are you at table 13?

Yeah. You're probably up there, right?

No, actually. Daddy thought I'd be more use over here.

He doesn't want to acknowledge the truth,

which is that Georgia has completely abandoned our Cretian sandal company

to organize this wedding.

-Hey. -Hi. Hey. Yeah.

-You all right? -Oh, fabulous.

Here I am, sat at the spares table with you.

-Sylvia-Violet, hi. -Hello, William.

I mean, they say time heals everything. What if time makes everything hurt more?

Maybe it's about getting a hobby or something?

I dunno, mate. I'm flailing a bit.

I don't need a hobby. I've got a job! My job is my hobby.

I'm a fucking earth defender!

Tastes like wine.

-Did you have wine? -Uh, no.

It might be... Someone gave me one of those Listerine strips.

Might be that. I'm all right. Thanks.

Yeah, you can take that away. Thanks.

Hi. I'm Jessica. How are you?

Uh...

You know...

I don't. Why don't you tell me? I love feelings. I'm American.

-This couldn't be your table, darling. -But it could!

Oh, teenage sweethearts reunited. How cute.

-Hi, Wheezy. -William!

My sweet William. It's been too long. How have you been?

Well, quite bad, as you'd imagine.

'Cause of the pandemic? Yeah, it sucks, right?

I mean, we couldn't avoid those big questions, right?

-It's not that. -While stuck inside.

Poor William just got out of jail.

Worst five months of my life, besides when I studied abroad in Cambodia.

-Why were you in jail? -Huh?

-What were you in jail for? -Jess.

Uh, well, if you ask them, sexual assault.

So, come on, how's the sandal innovating going?

SV, why are you being offish with me?

-I know you. -Why don't you take a few wild guesses?

-Felix, let's go! -It's a wedding.

-Sorry. -Is it gonna be like this all night?

You made them leave. You put them off their dinner.

-You can go too, if you like. Go on! -No.

You're kinda hurting my hand.

-What's going on? -I don't know.

-Didn't think he'd be here. Weird. -Know what I like about us, Fee?

We are jobless and roundly misunderstood, but we don't do rape!

-Great! That's good to know. -We never have! We never will.

-You're right! We need some rape music. -What?!

Rap. She means rap music.

Well, her pronunciation should be better.

-She's been here a while now. -Wheezy!

Steady on!

Come on, you don't need to start that again.

♪ Make 'em sing to this thang Like a melody ♪

♪ And if your girl ain't right I got the remedy ♪

♪ It ain't too many of y'all That can handle me ♪

♪ Bad chick, I could be your fantasy... ♪

Little girls' room.

-You need a drink? -Not unless it's tightly sealed.

Honestly, he should talk to Jeremy and Sam

because they got into similar scrapes this year as well.

Oh, awesome! So, we're at the rape table? That's it?

Uh, gray area, settled-out-of-court table, mostly.

I need to make an announcement or something.

-Jess. -I need to say something.

Did you hear that poor William had his passport revoked?

Now, I also... I don't think raping is nice at all,

but not being able to spend the hols at his uncle's llama sanctuary...

-Oh God! Not the llama farm! -Shh. Yeah, no, that's...

Yeah, sad.

It is sad, actually. Have you not seen Hyacinth?

No, sorry.

No?

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

From the moment Georgia-Peach was born,

I thought,

"By God, that's a beautiful girl."

"All the boys will be shoving each other out of the way for this one!"

Daddy.

You know, I lost my wife...

who I wasn't attracted to.

Great stuff.

Sorry, I'm sorry.

Let's give it up for Dad.

For those of you who know me, you know I'm not much of a writer.

I text in Morse code. But, um...

But this woman... she does something to me.

The night falls But her face remains the sun

Eyes like the morning Lips like cinnamon buns

Aww!

Test, test. Hi! Hello. Good evening, all!

I am Oriel's favorite cousin, Jetta.

And, uh, I'm here to bring a new vibe.

Thank God!

Now, what I think this wedding needs is just a little bit of cunt.

And speaking of,

thank you, Georgia, for flying me out here first class

and for having me dripping in diamonds

from my head all the way down to my toes.

You're welcome, my angel!

Now, how could I possibly begin to thank the best cousins in the world?

By letting you be the first to hear my new single!

And so, without further ado, please enjoy the future EDM classic,

"I'm Horny."

♪ Monday, I'm horny Tuesday, I'm horny ♪

♪ Wednesday, you bore me Thursday, I'm horny ♪

♪ Friday, I'm horny Saturday, I'm horny ♪

♪ Sunday, I'm horny I'm horny ♪

-♪ Horny... ♪ -Yes! Come on!

Don't just stand there! Show me that you're horny!

-I'm horny! -I'm so fucking horny!

Come on, everyone!

Come on, yes!

♪ January, I'm horny February, pretty horny ♪

♪ March, I'm horny April, May, I'm horny ♪

♪ Horny, horny, horny! ♪

Whoo!

-♪ Horny! ♪ -Here we go!

♪ Horny, ho-ho-horny ♪

♪ Horny! ♪

♪ Horny! ♪

Thank you. Thank you, everyone!

Wow, I'm horny.

Now, everybody, get on the dance floor and shake what your mama gave ya!

♪ Shake that thing, Miss Cana, Cana ♪

♪ Shake that thing, Miss Annabella... ♪

Can I have a Diet Coke?

Uh, we have Coke Light.

Okay! Fine. Whatever you have, okay?

Sorry, I'm having a bit of a nervous raped own... breakdown.

There's a sexual assaulter at the table.

-Are you okay? -No!

You don't have to get worked up. You can just talk about it calmly, when...

Really, worked up? You think I'm worked up?

Well, yeah! You're, like, telling it... Like, you're shouting it.

-What are you gonna... -You don't even care!

What are you gonna achieve? Send him to double jail?

Okay, I'm sorry. First of all, don't ever tell me to talk calmly.

Don't tell any woman to be calm with you.

Okay. This is my time.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Calm down.

-The Frenchies are going at it. -Nobody is reacting at all.

Yeah. Go have fun, have a dance. Awesome night.

Whoa! Jesus Christ!

Always wanted to see a Frenchwoman slap a Frenchwoman.

Just, like, going through your family now.

Are my boobs are okay?

Yeah, perfect.

♪ Girl, shake that booty nonstop ♪

♪ When the beat drops Just keep shaking it ♪

♪ Get jiggy, get crunked up, percolate ♪

♪ Anything you want... ♪

Oh, fuck.

Hey, I'm starving. Are they gonna bring food out?

No, they're never gonna bring food out.

It's a wedding. It's a British wedding.

I've had to adjust to a lot here, and I think I've done a good job,

considering when I read "estate," I thought I'd be somewhere like this!

I was just asking you for just one night of...

One night for what? "Shut the fuck up"?

No, of just playing along

with the customs of our country or whatever.

"The customs of our country"? Who are you, Edith fucking Wharton?

I'll fit in. Be who you want me to be. Who do you want me to be?

Fucking joke! You've never done that. I've never seen you.

If anyone needs to rein it in, it's you!

I do it all the time. I'm always reining it in for you.

But seriously, Felix, who are these people?

They're fucking crazy, fancy freaks.

They're cheerful, but they're not kind, and they're horny, but they're not warm.

-Is this what your family is like? -Stop talking about my family.

I've asked you to leave that.

I've told you everything there is to know about that, and...

Every time we talk about it, you talk about yourself.

-So it's just, like, pointless. -Oh, really?

I gave so much to you, and I was trying to help you.

It's fine. I mean, let's talk about you, then.

You're saying "old boy" and "young chap."

I feel like I don't even know you!

I get it. You went to the Harry Potter school for naughty indie boys!

You think I like these people? I don't like these people.

-Then why are we here? -Because it's who I know!

And for a long time, before I met you, I was very lonely,

so I went to the parties, drank the booze, and played the games.

I'm just playing a game.

Like a normal person, so I can be around people.

Okay, well, I'm here now, so why do we have to play the game?

It's not like you're fucking authentic all the time.

When you're around me, you pretend to be this gushy feelings person.

And then I hear you on the phone with your mum, and you're

talking about what you ate and shitting on people you're mad at.

What the fuck else am I supposed to talk about?!

I'm just saying that I feel like it's normal for people

to adjust their behavior depending on the situation they're in.

Like, I don't think it's fair for you to punish me for that.

I was asking you to be normal for one night

because I wanted you to support me, I don't find these situations easy.

I've spent the week talking about my feelings.

In case you haven't noticed, that's not something I'm good at.

It's not something anyone in this country is good at.

I was just asking you to cut me some fucking slack for one night.

All you do is cut yourself slack, Felix.

All right, well, if that's how you feel, then you should probably just go home.

I'll find my way home in the dark. That's a vibe.

I just wanna stop doing this, that's all.

You're pissed 'cause your ex-girlfriends are in there.

You probably love them fighting over you!

Is it that basic, Jess? I don't think that's the issue.

I have good relationships with all these people.

Are you kidding me? They fucking hate you!

They wanna put spears in your stomach!

You don't know anything about that. You've met them for three seconds.

-Whatever. -Maybe they're bad girlfriends.

-You don't know. -Yeah, like me?

Why are we saying "girlfriend" like we're nine years old?

This is fucking stupid. This is such a dumb conversation.

Why are you never saying it? You don't say it!

-The bus is over there somewhere. -Thanks.

-See ya. Be safe. -Yeah, have fucking fun.

-This was fun! -Thanks for the talk.

-That was really nice. -Nice evening. I enjoyed it.

♪ I got a swimming pool full of liquor And they dive in it ♪

♪ A pool full of liquor... ♪

Thank God you're still here.

She trained me, Jane. She trained me well.

Because now, whenever I step into a room...

Damn, you're needy.

...the first thing I smell,

before I see it, before I hear it,

is a girl in need of that kind of love.

And I swoop in,

and for a moment, I'm her knight in shining armor.

But little by slowly, she starts to hate me.

♪ They told me it couldn't be done ♪

♪ Just to recognize a foe Without hurting anyone ♪

♪ Turning away, I called out ♪

♪ I called see you later ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ See you later ♪

♪ They told me I couldn't go wrong ♪

♪ I can recognise a friend ♪

♪ Took a little time To make it all right ♪

♪ Turning away, I called out ♪

♪ I called see you later ♪