Original subtitles

She was saying some really fucked-up shit to me while you were sleeping.

Astrid!

She was telling me to get the fuck out of the house.

"I want to hang with my mama."

That's really rude. You shouldn't be saying that to our guest.

What else did you say? Said I was broke.

Said I'm not as cool as I think I am.

She said I had big waste man energy.

I told you not to say that. That is so mean.

She's a monster. I'm sorry.

Fuck. I need to go.

-Shit. -You know, I could come with you.

I mean, the pictures of the house are so gorgeous.

It's basically the estate I came here for.

It's basically Princess Diaries.

Yeah, I feel like going to parents'

is more of a "be invited" than "invite yourself" thing, no?

Well, I thought we were kind of past that.

Look, we've got time.

It's just like, I have stuff to sort out today.

It's gonna be boring.

I guess I wish I knew what stuff it was, but I don't want to be pushy.

Then don't be pushy.

See you later.

You're awesome.

Tell your mom I said hi if she asks who you're fucking during sex.

Ah. I don't know. I mean, it's not a UTI. I've had those before.

-Okay, yeast infection? -Nope.

It could be chlamydia.

I don't know. You know...

Okay, honey. I'm actually really busy on my Land Acknowledgements Committee,

and it's a Zoom meeting.

So I'm gonna just pass you on to Grandma, okay?

-Finally. Bring it here. -Finally. Okay.

Hello, honey. Hi.

I hear your poom-poom hurts.

Wow, word really travels fast.

Is it a shallow pain or very deep on penetration?

No, it's really deep. It's deep, deep inside of my body.

Okay, back in my time, we had a name for that.

-Honeymoon cystitis. -What does that mean?

You've overused the item.

Wow. For only having sex with one person, you really know a lot.

Yeah, it's funny because I started our honeymoon a virgin.

The first night, I was too tight.

Just so nervous.

The whole boat to Cuba, I couldn't do it.

It was like my noo-noo was sewed shut.

When we got to Cuba, we met up with our friends, Nance and Charlie.

Charlie says he wants to go to this exclusive club.

Moments later, before we even ordered entrées,

there was this woman on stage,

shooting golf balls right out her puss.

A tiny man was catching 'em in his mouth!

Oh my God. Did you, like, freak?

No, I didn't freak.

I thought, well, if she could shoot golf balls,

I could handle one midsized schlong.

And you know what?

After that, we had an amazingly adventurous sexual life.

And I got to know that woman, and I became her understudy.

Okay, that's an amazing story. It's hilarious in all the right places.

I just... I don't know what to do about my sore insides right now.

Oh, well, you... you just tell your guy,

"I adore you. You drive me wild."

"But we're overusing the hardware."

Look at these other cars.

-Well, that looks like shit. Yeah. -Look at the gray one.

No, look at the gray one properly.

That looks like it's worth less than this car to me.

I'm doing you a favor because I like your shoes.

-Okay, fine. Yeah. Grand. Yeah. -Yeah? Yeah.

♪ He's got long skinny legs ♪

♪ And holes in his pants ♪

♪ I love the way he sings ♪

♪ I've never really seen him dance ♪

♪ 'Cause it's me ♪

♪ I leave you with my image ♪

♪ And if I ask you to understand ♪

♪ They see what I see ♪

♪ And I see what I get ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh! ♪

Hi.

You look so sour.

Like you have a big chip over your shoulders.

I've been waiting for 40 minutes.

I had to watch a bunch of school children dance into their parents' arms.

It was like 1997 all over again.

So, dance into mine.

Come on. Feefee.

Ah, dance, my little one.

-Hi, hi, hi. Hello. -Oh, Feefee.

-How are you? -I'm all right. Yeah, hi.

Oh my.

My little one.

Okay.

-The dog. -Yeah, right?

-Mm. -Crazy.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

She looks sick. Is she to die soon?

No, she's not dying. That's just what she looks like.

She's expressing so much with her eyes.

She's, uh, saying, "Love... Love me well."

"I have to go from here," or something.

-Who, the dog? -Yeah.

Mama, I'm showing you the picture because of the girl.

What? Uh, this... this girl?

-This girl, yeah. -Ah.

Uh, she feels solid.

She won't blow away.

Yeah, okay.

But, uh... I like Jacqueline's eyes.

Jessica. Do you mean Jessica?

I call her what makes sense to me.

Okay. All right.

How is, uh... How's Pa doin'?

Uh, you know, he's focused.

And he's going to get us out of this.

I feel like it's a bit late for that.

Kind of running out of luck, don't you think?

I actually feel like if he just accepted that,

then, like, you two could get on and enjoy your lives for once.

No, no, no, no. No, Feefee.

He's my... my knight in shining armor.

I chose him, so what choice do I have now but to believe?

No, not to believe. To know.

-You want to stop by the old house? -No, thanks.

Maybe we buy it back.

Mm.

Maybe you come live there with...

Jameseta?

-Jessica. Yeah. -Ah! Jessica, maybe.

Your baby sleep in your old bed.

You never know.

Mm-hmm.

There it is.

Well... look at her.

I mean, it's not our house.

We haven't lived there for, what? Like...

-Fourteen years. -Okay.

Shall we go?

-Go in. Nobody home. They... -What the fuck?

They leave the door unlocked.

I check every day.

Are you trying to get me arrested for trespassing?

You can't be arrested in your own home.

-Once your home, always your home. -That is not how it works.

That's not the law.

Hmm.

-Okay, fuck it. You coming? -Mm.

Mm, I stay here. Smoke a joint.

Cool. We can both get arrested on separate charges.

-Not terribly bad, eh? -It's amazing.

I wrote that in only ten minutes,

after Ma ran away for the weekend with Leland Fellows.

I love it.

What are you thinking?

Huh, Feefee?

-Well, I suppose... -No! Don't talk!

Don't! Don't tell me, darling. Please.

Don't hang up. Please, Baron! Please.

I love you so much!

I can't promise I won't do something awful.

You don't need anybody who makes you sad.

How did you get so wise?

My wise little boy.

You know why you're here, don't you, Felix?

I... I think so.

I work hard for this life

and to pay for you to attend a very fine school.

And the deal is, you must at least try not to let yourself down

and let me down in the process.

And... this.

This just shows you aren't even trying.

It's okay.

You come in.

Are... you all right, Mama?

Your father, he lives in his own world, so...

Here I am, in my own world.

Hmm?

Mama?

Pa?

-When do they come back? -When will who come back?

Pa and Mama. They've been gone for so long.

I don't feel so well. I have a fever.

Who's looking after you?

Who cooks for you? Who cleans for you? Who makes you your dinner?

You do.

And who's here when you wake up and when you go to sleep?

You are.

When will you get it through your head?

They aren't here.

Now, tell me you love me.

I love you.

Say it again, louder.

I love you.

-Hey. -Hey, my boy.

Well, I hope you are nice and hungry, Felix,

because this is quite a hearty roast.

You know we're not hired help, Ma. Do you want to lend us a hand?

-She doesn't have to. -Yeah.

-Thank you, baby. You are so kind. -Can someone spot me here?

-As, you know, I got the... -Aha!

The tachycardia I'm suffering from makes me dizzy sometimes.

Self-diagnosed. Self-diagnosed tachycardia.

The NHS has one-year waiting lists, Felix.

Broken fucking country.

And frankly, yes, I'm gonna use the Internet.

And my best-preserved organ.

The pancreas.

I... I'd rather be dead than live here.

Your Japanese is weird.

Cool chat.

Can I just ask, Ma, is that like an empty threat,

or are you telling us what you're gonna do?

-Like, just letting us know? -I... I... I never sleep. It's torture.

The sound of the light bulbs.

-It'll soon be all right. -Whatever!

Look, I'm in talks with Jack DeBove, okay?

And, uh, I'm thinking of investing in a small enterprise

that offers car insurance to people with heavy police records.

-Oh, nice. -Yeah.

Glad you're finding a way to make the world a better place, as per.

-Yes. -He's a narcissist, you know.

-Really? -Yeah.

That had never crossed my mind.

-Oh! And it's so lonely now with you gone. -Mum, is that enough?

My only playmate. You know that?

Have you thought about, like, do you know what a friend is, Ma?

-Maybe think about getting friends. -Friend?

Yeah, I recommend it.

She's entirely devoid of friends.

I'm moving out, you know? The moment I find a job.

My friend Justine has a massive boiler room.

What? Did you say boiler room?

-Is that a euphemism? -Is that even safe?

Please don't tell me off about this.

I'm exhausted.

-My mind feels crispy. -Like, that's resourceful.

I was gonna say, that's, like, resourceful.

Like, good for you. Boiler room, yeah. Sounds cozy.

Oh, that's nice. I thought that you were teasing me.

You've always teased me, though I'm ten years older.

-And it's meant to be reversed. -Aiko, potatoes and Yorkshires, please.

I could say that you're a cocaine shovel with holes in all your socks.

I'm genuinely not teasing you.

I genuinely think that is a resourceful choice to make,

and you're always making resourceful decisions, and I respect you.

Also, in your own fucked-up way, you're kind of a brave person.

Right, guys?

Also, in terms of cocaine, I don't know if this has penetrated for anyone,

but I've been clean for nearly three years...

-Felix. -Uh, yeah, cool. No one cares.

Do you have space for the piano where you're living now?

Why? Are you getting rid of it, finally? You ask me this every year.

-Swedish death, they call it. -"No" is the answer.

It... It's the act of releasing all your worldly goods

before you've left the planet.

It means your descendants don't have to squabble

and, you know, sort through your detritus.

So your children can mourn your passing without haggling with an auction house

or... hunting for... for storage.

Family, could we please talk a bit about Daryl?

I really like him.

I may even L-O-V-E him.

His eyes, they are the strangest shade of red.

-Oh, cool. Like a vampire? -No, more like a bunny.

And, you know, he's a party clown, which means he's wonderful with children.

-Heard of John Wayne Gacy? -Yeah. That's what that normally means.

He found a bunch of baby squirrels on Long Mynd,

and he just fed them various milks.

"Various milks"?

Cool, so, like, bunny dad, squirrel babies?

Don't make fun.

He could be my husband. Your brother-in-law.

You love to love, Alaia. Huh?

For that, we love you.

Just love someone who never moves you to a bungalow.

-Whoa. It's a burn. Ouch. -What?

Do you know, a single rabbit can have 1,000 babies in her lifetime?

And if it's a male one, tens of thousands more.

That's why the phrase, "fuck like bunnies" has entered the lexicon.

It's interesting, learning the origins of our words and phrases.

Thanks, Pa.

-Yeah. Thanks, Pa. -Mm.

I feel like if she did kill herself, you'd be quoting facts over her grave.

Yeah, I need that gravy sauce. I need it.

-Thank you. -It's weird to hear you say "fuck."

So, uh, you have it?

Yeah. I don't understand why we have to do it out here,

like some kind of drug deal.

I don't want to... I don't want to trouble your mother.

She's been through a lot, and worry doesn't agree with her.

Her head's been aching.

What are you even going to do with 1,000 quid?

Uh, well, half is for bills.

The other half is to start a payment plan with Jean-Philippe to buy back the house.

With 500 quid?

Well, it'll show him I'm good for it, you know.

But you're not good for it.

Fine, look. It's not my business. Do with it what you want.

Thank you.

It's just temporary, you know. It's, um... I'll soon get out of this little hole.

We'll get the house back.

You know me, Felix. I've always been a bit of a chancer.

I've had plenty of success in my life.

I... I've paid for my parents to live through their golden years,

put you lot through school.

Not quite, in my case.

But, uh, I... I admit,

I sometimes fly a little close to the sun, but I land on my feet.

It's funny, 'cause you always got so angry with me when I took chances.

Like, when I moved to London, quit school, tried to be a musician.

You were livid.

Yeah, well, here's the thing about chances.

Um, they've got to come off.

Okay.

How's this one going for you? Do you know what, Pa?

I sort of feel like we need to get a bit real about this.

It's not like you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth.

Wasn't your dad some Hungarian immigrant who delivered milk in Croydon?

Who told you you were supposed to become some fucking lord?

I had a dream about my father last week.

It was the strangest thing.

And I looked at him, and I said, "Henry."

"What are you doing here?"

And he stared straight back at me.

And he said, "Simon, don't be a servant to fortune."

'Kay. What the fuck does that mean?

Don't live your life in search of luck.

Because maybe we each get so much luck in our life,

and we must be grateful for the luck we have

and stop hunting for more.

Look, thank you for this. Thank you for the walking-around money.

I suppose there comes a time when every child takes over from their parent.

We spent what we had on you.

Now it's your turn.

You're not going to ask where I got it from?

Well, I assume you didn't steal it.

Nice walk for my men?

-Glorious. -Oh. Hello.

Hi.

Okay, I'm off.

-Bye. Bye, sis. -Bye.

-Mm! -See ya. Bye, Ma.

Love you. Love you, Feefee.

Okay, yeah. Okay.

Mm!

We all have pain. Hmm?

We aren't made perfect. Hmm?

But we have tried.

-Okay. All right. -Mm.

Thanks, Ma. See you.

Okay.

-See you, Pa. -Mm.

Hope so.

Naughty.

Someone, throw a bucket of water over her.

-You did. -Mm.

When Victoria ascended the throne in 1837 at just 18,

the possibility of marriage to her first husband, Prince Albert...

Oh my God, did you know Queen Victoria is the reason why lesbians are legal?

Other than that, her life's been a real snooze.

How was your day?

I feel like I'd make a good royal, actually,

because I just love sitting on tuffets and stuff.

-Are you all right? -Yeah.

No, something's wrong. What's wrong?

No, I'm literally just arriving.

Why are you staring at me like that? Fuckin' hell.

What happened?

Something happened. I want to know. I don't want to be an emotional detective.

Literally, nothing's happened. I'm just, like, making a cup of tea.

Okay.

What the fuck are you doing?

I did that 'cause I know it's all plastic,

and I'm trying to shock you.

So tell me what's going on.

I mean, I can tell you, but, like, if I do, there's no unsaying it.

We can't go back to a time when I haven't said it to you.

And maybe you don't want to know.

I always wanna know.

Well,

my parents don't live in that fancy house anymore.

They live in, like, a weird bungalow by the airport.

And...

I sold my car this morning.

'Cause my dad has, like, 70 pounds in his bank account,

and then I got so, like, angry with his whole way of being that

I stole it back.

My sister's in her forties. She still plays with cuddly toys.

My mum's, like, constantly threatening to kill herself.

-Hmm. They sound fun. -Yep. They're fun.

Oh, fuck's sake.

I'm trying to fucking tell you something. You keep crowding me out.

I'm just trying to be nice!

I... I'm just gonna stay here,

but I want you to know that there's a shaking woman in the kitchen.

'Cause I wanna help.

But I'm not... Um, I will give you space, and I'll just be here in the kitchen.

Honey! What's wrong?

I was brought up by... a nanny.

'Cause my parents were always

fucking doing something. And...

She wasn't a very nice person, I guess.

And, like...

Mum and Dad were always, like...

too wrapped up in their own shit to notice that there was, like, a...

you know, like, a kiddy fiddler living in the house with their children.

Oh my God.

Like, she molested you?

Yeah, that's what kiddy fiddler means.

You know, I... I think a babysitter did something to me once.

I don't know for sure,

but... I always feel weird when I see this certain color of tile.

What is this, like a molest-off now?

My God, no, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I... I was just...

I was saying that because I... I'm here,

and I'm not scared because I'm here, and I'm not scared, and I see you.

I'm just trying to make you feel better 'cause I'm sorry that happened.

I'm sorry that that happened.

I have a very chaotic mind, and you're gonna start to notice.

And, like, I was never really tucked in as a kid.

So, like, whenever it gets dark, I always get this weird feeling

that, like, everyone's going to a party without me.

I don't know, maybe that's

why I'm always trying to find a party or something.

You were never tucked in?

-Huh? -You were never tucked in?

Okay, so, in a traditional tuck-in at my house,

first, I have to make you kind of a burrito.

-Okay. -Okay?

Do you feel good? Want your arms out? Do you want your arms out or in?

Yeah, sure.

Okay. And then I would

do waterfalls like that.

What are you...

Does that feel nice? You have to take it seriously.

Okay, yeah, sorry. Yeah.

-Mm. Nice and relaxing. -Yeah, that is kinda nice.

That is kinda nice.

-No. No. -What?

I adore you. You drive me wild, but, honey, we're overusing the hardware.

-It's not about that. Not tonight, okay? -Understood.

And plus it's weird, 'cause I'm tucking you in.

So stay focused.

-Okay. -Don't make it sexual.

-Yeah. -Yeah, check out.

Okay, and now I'm gonna sing to you.

But I'm a little bit rusty. So I'm nervous.

Um, but this is, like, my dad's favorite song

that he would always sing to us, okay?

Okay.

♪ Oh, a song will lift As the mainsail shifts ♪

♪ And the boat drifts on To the shoreline ♪

♪ And the sun will respect ♪

♪ Every face on the deck ♪

♪ The hour that the ship rolls in ♪

♪ And the sand will roll out A carpet of gold ♪

♪ For your weary toes to be a-touchin' ♪

♪ And the ship's wise men Will remind you once again ♪

♪ That the whole wide world is watchin' ♪

I love you.

♪ I found God ♪

♪ On the corner of First and Amistad ♪

♪ Where the West ♪

♪ Was all but won ♪

♪ All alone ♪

♪ Smoking his last cigarette ♪

♪ I said, "Where you been?" ♪

♪ He said, "Ask me anything" ♪

♪ Where were you ♪

♪ And all I needed was a call ♪

♪ That never came ♪

♪ To the corner of First and Amistad ♪

♪ Lost and insecure ♪

♪ You found me, you found me ♪