Original subtitles

Pleasure is mine, Mr. Loxley.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Loxley.

No, no, this is a fine time for me.

One of the luxuries of being your own boss is being able to make your own

schedule.

Though, I definitely consider myself a team player as well.

And my brother and I have been partners for several years now, and believe me,

working with him has given me all the managerial experience I'll ever need.

You're probably wondering, um, why I'm, I'm... Why I was talking to this, uh...

Hat rack.

Hat rack.

Nope.

Seems like a perfectly normal thing to do to me.

Paranoid schizophrenia.

No!

Okay, I'll bite. You're rehearsing for a play, right?

Wrong. Wrong.

I got it. You're getting married and you're nervous about the proposal.

You really must know.

Oh, I must. I must.

I am practicing a technique known as pre -visualizing a high -performance

situation.

Who's the lucky girl? Does Mom know?

It's a job interview.

Job interview.

Yeah, don't go getting all bent now.

Bent?

Who's bent?

I'm perfectly, uh, straight.

I was going to tell you. I just,

I wanted to wait until there was an offer before I told you because I didn't

want you to get all upset.

Who's upset?

Okay, come on. Let me have it. Have what?

The guilt.

The recrimination.

The big speech about breaking up the team.

A .J., do you remember when Ernie Malaguena made me that relocation offer?

Something about riding shotgun on a Costa Rican banana boat that wasn't

banana? Yeah, yeah, at five grand a trip. But forget about the particulars.

you remember what your reaction was?

Yes, incredulous laughter.

No.

No!

You took it like a man.

You told me that if I wanted to make a change, if I wanted to broaden my

horizons, that you would not stand in my way.

You serious?

Wow.

Well, that's... That's awfully good of you, Rick.

Thanks. You're welcome.

Of course, I'll miss you like hell.

Oh, hey, it's mutual.

I have no idea what I'll do. Rick. Of course, I guess I'll stumble through

somehow. So, Rick, tell me about your big brass ring.

It's a very large company opening an office in

Honolulu.

Aloha.

Yeah.

Trade win. Oh, man.

Tadewin's blowing Graff's skirt. Oh, what's the job?

Ah, supervising all the claims to justice for a major automobile insurance

company. What? Oh, what the, what are you doing?

They're bloodsuckers, A .J., they're legions. Where are you going? Going on

change. You can't expect me to go to an interview without a license. They are a

flight on the land, A .J. Do you remember what those dogs did to me when

that fender bender down in Mexico?

Fender bender crawled into a power pole at 40 miles an hour.

In Mexico, the power poles have a lot of gas.

Really? Yeah.

Oh, that Rick. Gosh, in that case, I'll just forget the whole thing. I'll cancel

the interview. Good.

AJ? What?

AJ!

How could something like this happen in our family? You make it sound like I'm

pregnant out of wedlock.

So what's going right for that kind of work these days?

Thirty pieces of silver?

Seventy -five thousand a year.

Dollars. Hi.

Pension plan.

Plus. Benefit. Plus.

Location. Location. Location. Location. Who becomes a claims adjuster? I can

come back.

Good. Honest. Work. If you ask me. Hi, Mom. There is nothing honest about auto

insurance. You steal from the rich. You steal from the poor. You bring new

meaning to the word highway robbery.

I think it's a necessary evil, kind of like private detectives. What are you

going to... What are you going to tell people at parties? Hi, I'm the guy that

canceled you a... Nat splats on your windshield.

Honey, A .J. loves being partners with you, but P .I .s are like pilots. There

are old ones and there are bold ones. But, hey, maybe there's something with

insurance company for you. Bite your tongue.

Rick, just face it. There comes a time in a man's life and he has to take

He has to say, huh?

I hope it never happens to me.

$8 ,980.

Oh, my gold card.

Left Bank gourmet grocery, $322.

Macro mind computers, $1 ,900.

This is you, right?

It's a joke, right?

Right? You did this, right?

C &W Auto Supply, $842.

Well, it's funny, but it's not a joke.

Somebody is going to pay.

From the name up here on the top, I think. Yes, hello.

My name is A .J. Simon. My card number is... No, no, no, don't, don't, don't,

don't.

Get me on... Where are you going?

Down to the bank. I want blood.

Not like that.

Put some shoes on.

Just a minute, please. I don't have a minute.

Um, Mr. Hatchery, may I call you right back?

Uh, thank you.

What seems to be the problem?

This seems to be the problem.

These chargers are not mine, $9 ,000 worth of them, to be exact.

I never wanted this credit card.

But you guys insisted.

No limit, you said. No annual fee, you said.

So, out of... personal loyalty to an institution which has never done

for me other than mess up my checking account balance. I bit like a sucker. I

took... Oh, come on. Hey, this isn't a personal attack here.

No, no, I'm sorry.

This is, um, very unprofessional of me.

As you were saying... Don't do this.

All I can say is that this is some kind of customer service technique. It's very

effective.

No, no, it's just... It's just this is the third time this has happened this

week, and the ninth time this has happened this month, and... Well, I just

this job. I just got this promotion, and my boss, Mr. Nottingham, said that if

it happened again, well... Problem, Miss Fitzwalter?

Um, uh, no, sir.

I believe you're four minutes behind on the lunch schedule.

We don't want you holding your co -workers back now, do we?

She, uh, we.

We're just on our way out.

See where they go.

Dad told me not to come here.

I don't know.

Food is bad, but the service is lousy.

Not the cafe.

California.

He said it was full of con artists and hustlers and just users.

Present company excluded.

Thank you.

Oh,

if there's no crime back in... Sherwood, Indiana?

Not like this.

When I got this job, charge card fraud was something I'd only seen on 60

Minutes. And then I get promoted in Kapowee.

Nine cases in a month.

It's going to look terrible on my resume.

I really don't think you have to worry. I mean, surely the bank knows it's not

your fault.

Are you kidding?

Mr. Nottingham is not a reasonable person.

Who's that, Mr. Warmth back there?

I hate that man.

Well, I don't know how it happened.

I always tear up my carbons. I never charge over the phone. Oh, I believe

You have a very honest face.

I don't feel like paying $9 ,000 for someone else's shopping spree. Well,

only liable for the first $50.

But... What?

Well, Mr. Nottingham said that if the bank was on the hook for any more of

claims, that... Oh, my gosh, the lunch schedule.

I've got to go.

Miss Fitzwalter, you're late.

Uh, yeah, I'm a customer, and Miss Fitzwalter was helping me with my

The bank doesn't see it that way, Mr... Simon.

A .J. Simon. Simon? Yes.

I saw your name on credit audit this morning.

Carrying a rather high card balance this month, are we?

Yes, as a matter of fact, we are.

Is that what you were discussing?

Nothing irregular about your bill, was there? Uh, sir, it's not what you think.

It was a computer error.

A clerical glitch. I told you there would be consequences if this couldn't

stopped.

Tomorrow is Friday. It will be your last with us. You are fired, Miss

Fitzwalter.

Isn't it?

Marian Fitzwalter.

Meet my brother, Rick. How are you doing? Oh, hi.

Pleasure. Are you a client?

Yes. Marian runs the credit department at my bank. Well, for one more day

anyway. My boss decided to make an example out of me.

Over my bill?

Ah, yes.

Listen.

I know that he's going to claim that he didn't charge those things, but if I

were you, I would check to see if there was a full moon on the date's purchase.

This is quite serious, Mr. Simon.

His credit rating could be seriously damaged.

Be still my heart, we wouldn't want a thing like that.

Right. One reprobate in the family is more than enough.

Are you two always like this?

No. No, sometimes we tease each other.

Listen, Marion.

I've got to go to my interview.

Ah, yes, the famous interview. Have you told Marion about your new chosen

calling? You can shut up now, Rick. Maybe Rick and I could start checking on

that statement. What a good idea. It was AJ's. It was a pretty good idea.

Break a leg.

I mean that.

Thank you.

Good luck.

Thank you.

Hello to all this stuff.

Help you folks?

I think we just bought the farm. Rick.

Oh, yeah, just kidding.

We're trying to track down one of your purchasers, AJ Simon.

Oh, let's see.

Yeah, here we go.

Oh, sure, this guy, A .J. Simon.

Yeah, I remember him really well.

You do?

Sure.

Handsome, friendly, great smile.

He's not that handsome. He's about yay high.

Yeah, dressed real sharp.

I guess what I remember best is that goatee. You hardly ever see those these

days. Very rakish.

A goatee?

Sure. Like the guy in the old movies, just a swing from ropes.

Cheetah?

No, no.

Oh, he was a real high liver.

A swashbuckler, you know.

Errol Flynn.

Right. Right. Even talked like him.

Yeah, he was a real special kind of person.

Yeah, well, he's pretty special, but I'd hardly call him Errol Flynn.

I mean, his swash isn't what it used to be. What'd he buy?

PCs.

State -of -the -art. Two.

I asked him if he was setting up a new business, but he just smiled.

Uh, did you deliver this stuff? Did he have it shipped?

No, no. No, he took everything with him.

No, thank you. Thanks.

Hey, it's vacant.

You want to rent it?

Excuse me, is this 4200 Harvard Boulevard, 305?

It better be. I've been cleaning the wrong place for 20 years. Who are you

looking for?

Mutual Fidelity Auto Insurance.

Ha!

Thieves!

Bloodsuckers! Thank God we never had any of those types in my building. Wait a

minute. How long has this been vacant?

Oh, just for a week or so.

It'd be great to have you as the client kind of spruce the place up a bit.

Who was the last tenant?

Oh, wonderful fella.

God, I miss him.

You don't find those kind of guys around these days.

You know, every time I used to be around him, he used to make me feel like a

lady. What was his name?

Robert.

Robert? As in Browning. Or Mitchum.

What did he do?

Oh, he used to drop by a couple times a week, pick up the mail, chat a bit.

You know, he could have been a freelance journalist or a photographer.

In the old days, he would have been a flying barnstormer.

Are you old enough to remember Doug Fairbanks? Uh, not the kid. The dad.

Yeah, sure. He was one of my favorites.

Well, that was him.

Him come back to life.

Oh,

I knew I should have changed into tennis shoes.

Ouch. Had a blister.

Aw.

Oh, what I wouldn't do for one of my dad's foot massages.

Rick, do you think we should?

Should what?

You hiked 40 miles today.

Hot concrete and stiletto heels. I'm rubbing your feet.

I'm just worried about what A .J. might think.

Well, he would think that I was a very humanitarian, compassionate individual,

which is true.

That's right, you are.

Yes, I am.

A lot of people wouldn't do it. You did for him today.

What'd I do?

Oh, well.

As soon as we find a suspect with a rapier in one hand and a drink in the

we're set.

You care a lot about your brother, don't you?

Well, let's say I'm appreciating him a little bit more today than usual.

Oh.

It's shiatsu. It's an ancient oriental acupressure.

Usually does the trick.

Oh, does it ever.

It's not too hard, is it?

No.

It's perfect.

Oh, my gosh.

You certainly know what to do, don't you?

This is my favorite technique.

Where did you learn that?

Everything I know I learned from my mother. She's very good at this.

Hi.

Hi. AJ, your, um... Your brother was just, um...

How'd the interview go?

It didn't. Oh.

They didn't show.

Oh. There was an empty office and an almost vacant building.

Oh. You can gloat now.

Small people gloat. I know. Go for it.

Simon it.

Simon and Simon.

What was he dressed again?

Thank you.

Oh, Marion, the bunions are no longer in vain.

What?

Dandy Randy's Wholesale Auto Parts -O -Rama.

They were out to lunch when we went by before, but you evidently charged a

each of air and oil filters and a dozen cases of 1040.

That's bad.

No, that's good. The haul was so big he had to ship it. We have an address.

That's wonderful.

That's terrible.

The address is 82500 Satellite. That's awful.

Why? Well, this is no man's land. Toughest corner of South San Diego.

I see.

Well, what can we do now?

We do nothing.

You go home and wait while Rick and I go down there and check it out. Would you

excuse us a moment, please, Rick? Thank you.

Look, I don't want you two guys getting cut over this.

Would it sound self -aggrandizing if I said that whoever is doing this has

picked on the wrong guy?

No.

A little corny, maybe.

You going to be all right going home?

Sure, if my feet don't fall off.

Well, I'd be hoping we could follow lunch with dinner, but no.

That'd have been nice.

I mean, it's just, you know, I'm afraid this lead will get cold if we don't

follow it up right away.

Well, there's always tomorrow night.

Yes, sir.

It's not my lucky day.

Bye.

I guess this didn't turn out all bad, huh? What do you mean, Marion?

Methinks my brother beareth overmuch affection toward a lady he just met,

however fair she be.

Forsooth, methinks this is the wrong turn, Bozo.

Sir Bozo to you.

What do you reckon, Kimisabe?

I reckon we look a little further.

I hope I didn't hurt your hand.

There, there.

Wouldn't be sporting now, would it?

What, are you nuts?

You tell me.

Is this great or what?

Rick!

You're Rick!

Rick! What, how, Rick?

Who's Rick?

Are you kidding?

I've always wanted to do this.

You still having fun?

If we knew who was going to win, it'd be boring, wouldn't it?

Now then, this is more like it.

If you think I'm coming out there after you, you really are not.

Don't disappoint me. You've come this far. I don't give up now.

You know, you really are awfully cocky.

Thank you.

May the best man win.

Are you all right?

Well struck.

Help me out of here.

I don't know what you think is so funny, pal, because you're in a lot of

trouble. I'm taking you downtown.

Somehow, I don't think that's a likely scenario.

Looks to me like you're the one in trouble.

Who the hell are you? The name is Hood.

Robert Hood.

Robert.

Hope Jan didn't bruise you.

The computers we bought with your card are now installed at Chula Vista

Elementary.

Sure they are. They probably got little plaques with my name on them.

Call me a scoundrel if you like, Mr. Simon, but never a liar.

He's stalling you straight.

Who are you, school principal?

No, pal.

I'm the janitor.

And our families have the lowest per capita income in the state.

But our kids...

Our kids got computers.

Hood's done more for them in six months than the Board of Ed's done in ten

years. You see, we aren't the robbers here.

We're simply giving back to the people what's been taken from them.

Could have fooled me.

Mr. Stein, A .J., the bank will absorb your bill.

Your total liability on the bad credit is $50.

And, uh...

Now, are we square?

I feel so much better.

Sarcasm is so unbecoming.

This is Jan.

I believe you met?

Yes.

His daughter is nine.

She ran a 104 -degree fever from a gum abscess.

She got oral surgery thanks to the cash advances we took in your name.

It didn't cost you a cent.

It may have saved her life.

What exactly do you want from us?

Nothing. Just go back to your comfortable homes and let me go on with

Duty?

You're a crook, not a social worker, and your duty just cost an innocent woman

her one and only job.

What do you mean?

Our client.

You're bleeding the bank. She can't stem the flow, so they canned her.

Who? What's her name?

Marion Fitzwalter. What are you going to do, buy her a dishwasher?

Marion.

Marion. Good Lord.

Take me to her.

Come again?

You heard me. Will you do it?

We walk free.

With you.

None of your, uh... Merry band of friends.

On my honor.

What honor?

Don't push it, A .J. We're out of here. Now, come on. No, I mean it. Man's a

crook. What honor?

The other man is big.

I'll buy it.

Don't you ever get tired?

They should have been back by now.

Maybe, but, you know, if you're wearing a bear spot there, and my brother's real

funny about his carpet.

Hi. Hi.

You.

Marion, if I'd known... Well, I guess under the circumstances due

to know each other is unnecessary.

Robert used to work at the bank.

Marion, I swear I didn't know it would hurt you.

You are behind all this.

Robert, why?

I was so bent on revenge.

Nottingham?

Sheriff. Bank manager.

He's the vilest excuse for a human being you'll ever meet.

He feeds on the community, forecloses on innocent people's homes and businesses,

issues phony loans to non -existent customers and keeps the money himself.

This sounds like the disgruntled ramblings of a fired employee.

Now, listen.

One of my loan clients, Mr. Bilecki, his wife was dying in the hospital, so his

mortgage payment was late.

Nottingham went after him.

He lost his wife and his home in the same day.

If this Nottingham is so bad, why don't you just, you know, go over his head or

to the cops or something?

He would have smelled it right away. All the evidence would have been erased or

shredded.

So, I figured out a better way.

Some better way, using my credit?

Yeah, how did you pull that off, by the way?

Well, I managed to acquire a list of the bank's cardholders before I left.

Then I did a little research and posed as a headhunter offering them jobs.

Jobs?

What? That was my job application.

Well, you volunteered all the information I needed.

Social security, driver's license, mother's maiden name.

So then all you got to do is call the bank and say that you need an extra card

or you want a loan or whatever.

That's brilliant.

That is sheer genius.

Terrible. Shame on you.

Rick, can I talk to you privately for a minute, please?

AJ, you are not seriously considering turning him in. He gave you back the

50 bucks. The guy's a classic. A classic con artist, maybe.

AJ, sometimes you just gotta go with your gut.

I agree.

So if you will just ride with me on this one for about an hour, we can catch the

real villain.

And what is this scurvy rascal's name?

Nottingham.

John.

Nottingham.

And the name of your source?

Hood.

Hood?

Hood.

As in? No.

Robert with an R.

Completely different guy. I told you we shouldn't have come here. No, okay.

Okay, I'll humor you.

Let's presume for a moment that I go to court to get a warrant to examine the

bank's records.

My proximate cause is... Robert Hood.

This is your client, I presume.

No.

Our client is, um... Lady.

No.

Don't. Let me guess.

Is her name Marion?

Did I sleep for six months?

Is it April 1st? Come on, Lieutenant.

Okay, okay, okay. Who's Hood?

What

would

you say if I told you that Robert Hood is a fellow

who steals from the rich and gives to the poor?

Try and get out of my free place.

Lewis, you've been afraid that right steals from the wealthy and gives to the

impoverished. Shut up.

A man is a master of his time.

Shut up. When makes me time?

I said shut up. I had nothing left. No, wait a minute. Start from the beginning.

What actually happened?

Oh, now then.

I brought you some tea.

I put honey in it. I hope that's okay.

I like it this way.

It reminds me of my grandma.

She used to make mead out of clover honey every fall.

Nip at it in the evening, she wouldn't buy the fireplace.

I think I wouldn't know she was getting tipsy.

You look so sad.

No, I'm okay. It's just... Well, people are just so... Disillusioning?

You're talking about me, aren't you?

No, not really.

Yeah,

I guess I am.

Well, at least you stayed above it all.

Kept your integrity.

When I couldn't beat them, I joined them.

We all make our own decisions.

You know, when he fired me, the only thing I missed about the bank was you.

I used to make sure I was at the accounts receivable end basket at 8 .42

morning just to see you walk out of your staff meeting.

I'm sorry. I have no right to presume.

Presume what?

Well, you and A .J.

It's obvious.

You know.

We're not, you know.

We want the good news or the bad news.

The good news is you're not under arrest.

Yet. And the bad?

Lieutenant Marsh thought that our story read like a bad fairy tale.

This is awful.

Well, what can we do?

Well, we all agree that we're not going to send Robert up the river.

And let Nottingham walk.

It would be beneath our honor.

However...

If he's as slippery as you say... And we don't have a warrant.

There really isn't a whole lot we can do.

I mean, you know, short of robbing the bank or something.

No.

No, no, no, no. A .J., that is a great idea. No, no. I am so glad you thought

that. No, I didn't. You got any better ideas?

Than spending the next eight to ten years in penitentiary? You bet you're a

bippy. Well, even if we could get in, I wouldn't know what to look for. Records.

The guy's got to keep records.

Well, certainly, but never on paper.

And his computer files have access passwords.

Well, that part is a piece of cake. Let's probably just keep some written

on a piece of paper in the top drawer.

Actually, no.

Uh, they're right here.

Arrow, bow, green maiden's fair.

You're kidding.

I didn't write this.

What does this mean?

Well, I'm not exactly sure.

But the computer worked down a couple weeks ago, and the man from GTT was

accessing the mainframe from my terminal.

When he printed up all the password codes, I didn't recognize some of them.

I just kept this list. That's Mr. Nottingham, what they meant. But he just

putting me off.

And if these are the keys to his files, and if we just call him up on

his computer, I don't believe this.

I mean, we're actually standing here in my living room talking about breaking

into a bank.

Isn't it great?

No.

A .J., uh, we don't have to break in.

I should have stayed in Sherwood.

Ah, come on, Marion. Part of a great tradition here.

Yeah, just like...

Capone, Dillinger, Bonnie and Clyde. What would my dad say?

He'd probably say, open the door.

Huh.

Boy, what a rush.

Just us and all this money.

Rick. There are alarm triggers under every desk, so be careful what you

Go to our posts, everyone. Come on, Marianne.

AJ, I just... I hate this. I feel so... Gummy.

Well, just think how you're going to feel when you nail him.

I don't know where to start.

Here.

If I, uh... If I'm made in fair, that's appropriate.

That pig!

He raided all the female employees on their sex appeal.

At least you're at the top of the list. Okay, um...

Try green with money.

Well, these are loans, all right, but I don't recognize any of the names.

Hang on.

A .J., this might be it.

I mean, none of these loans are on the bank's official books.

Wonderful.

Wonderful. Print them out. Let's get out of here.

Hi, guys.

What are you doing here? You're supposed to be on guard.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

Do you remember how you said that we shouldn't bring any weapons with us just

case we got caught?

Yes. Use a gun, go to prison, remember?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, you remember how I said I thought maybe we ought to bring some anyway?

You've got to explain this to the world, Nottingham.

Rick, don't aggravate him. Oh, relax, Marianne. Nottingham may be stupid, but

he's not stupid enough to shoot us here.

Is that a fact?

Manager arrives, finds disgruntled employee attempting robbery on her last

and security guard fires as the attempt to overtake him.

Come on, Gad, real three bodies on the floor of the vault.

Time clock opens in five minutes.

And we'll throw you inside.

Unarmed.

Gisborne had the foresight to bring weapons for you.

But by the time we put them in your hands, I'm afraid they won't do you much

good. Well, this all sounds just dandy, but you forgot one little detail.

How are you going to explain the two black eyes and the multiple bruises

going to have to inflict on me to get me in there?

I'm going to enjoy this.

That's enough!

leave you drag me. I'll shoot you where you stand, you arrogant son of a...

Who

are those guys?

Witnesses.

Most beautiful sight in the world.

Smile when you shoot us, Sheriff.

Where'd they come from?

They tend to be a little protective of me.

John Nottingham.

Lieutenant Marsh, SDPD. Thank God.

Arrest these people.

I don't think so.

Lionheart, FDIC, Fraud Squad.

Get a one that's under arrest, pal.

Freedom is right, sweetheart.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you

a part of law. You have the right to speak with an attorney and to have the

attorney present during questioning.

Richard, right?

Nope. Dick?

Richie. No.

Of course, it's Rick. And you own this swank little cafe.

Just call me, uh, Cyril.

Cyril? There was no Cyril.

Uh, after you left, I thought about what you said.

So I called a friend down at the Federal Building.

As it turns out, they've been interested in Nottingham themselves.

So I put a tail on you.

Teach you to doubt us.

Southart wins, fair lady.

You're here.

Uh, no, look, I feel kind of funny about this. I mean, you never really did hire

us. Well, you earned it.

And for seeing Nottingham behind bars, it's a bargain.

Oh, there's more good news.

Mr. Lionheart decided to drop all the charges against Robert.

Oh, terrific.

There's a price, though. I got five years probation.

And for my community service, he's going to make me do two years on his fraud

squad.

Figures it takes one to know one, I guess.

So,

will you be at our wedding?

Well, I certainly hope so.

I don't suppose there are any direct flights to Sherwood, Indiana.

I don't think so.

Just in case we don't make it to the actual ceremony.

I thought I'd just take care of that right here.

Thanks. You're welcome.

Bye. You guys have a good trip. And good luck.

Allow me.

Fare thee well.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Oh, I don't know. I never made it to Honolulu.

Well, if you'd done that, then I wouldn't have lived happily ever after.

Well, in that case, I need a little favor. Name it.

My TRW is all messed up, and it's going to take a couple months to straighten

things out.

Forsooth. Methinks I hear poetic justice approaching. What boon can I do thee?

I need a co -signer for a new credit card. I'm sorry. See you again.