Original subtitles

I'm Al Smith.

I was just an average kid until an accident changed my life.

And since then, nothing's been the same.

My best friend Ray thinks it's cool.

My sister Annie thinks I'm a science project.

I can't let anyone else know.

Not even my parents.

I know the chemical plant wants to find me and turn me into some experiment.

But you know something?

I guess I'm not so average anymore.

I'm not sure how it all started, where or when.

But ever since I can remember, I have loved donuts.

Hey, Alex.

You like it here?

Like it here? I love it here.

Why? Is something wrong?

Well, you're getting older now.

What's that got to do with anything?

Nothing. I'll be back later. I gotta go get glazed.

Maybe I am getting older.

But at least there's one thing I can always count on.

Donuts! They never let me down.

It's a variation of the cinnamon swirl.

I call it a twister.

Hmm.

Interesting.

Pleasing to the eye.

Balance.

Fluff.

I was wondering if some sprinkles would put it over the top.

Try it.

Good news.

Shh.

She's chewing.

The big companies have dozens of official testers, but all I have is

You mean you trust Alex to make the decisions about donuts and stuff?

She's like the little sister I never had.

So, yeah, I trust her.

I mean, I'd like to test these on bigger groups, but I just can't afford to

organize something like that.

I like it.

I really do.

I don't know about the sprinkles, though.

What if I could help you do a bigger taste test?

I just joined this group at the high school called the Planet People Club.

know, they do all sorts of environmental things, picketing and recycling and

stuff. But tomorrow they're having their monthly meeting. Maybe we can have it

here. Counting me and Alex, there would be eight of us. Wow, eight? That'd be

great.

Math skills, poor.

Reading skills, poor.

Verbal skills, very poor.

I hate tests.

Well, as of January 1st, this aptitude test is required by every employee at PV

Chemical. But why?

Great companies try to ensure that all their employees are fulfilling their

potential. Do you know what an aptitude test is?

Sure.

I mean, I used to.

So what's this mean? It means you're not good at anything.

Now wait just a teensy minute.

Every company needs some guy to polish a company van and to polish...

You know, things.

Ms. Atron, sector 13, code red. It's a situation.

I have a situation. Mr. Fredrickson, would you take care of this, please?

You're not going to fire me, are you?

Lars the old boy?

Good news from the front.

The walk -a -thon we held last weekend raised $112.

That means we can buy another two and a half acres of rainforest, which brings

our total to six acres.

From here, we have the cleanup at Rancho Placo Beach.

And remember, we can make a difference.

Anything else?

Robin?

I just wanted to say that I think if we all worked together, we really could

change the world.

Anyone else?

I'll help you, Gloria.

Oh, okay.

Fresh air, fresh land, fresh water for generations to come.

Oh, but that's all I wanted to say.

That's nice.

A little dramatic, but nice.

Don't worry, Gloria. I believe in the cinnamon twister.

Robin didn't even take one.

Well, I think I know why all of a sudden I'm so interested in the environment.

Now do you see?

Do you see what the problem is? She's a little pale. Pale?

She's purple.

You may have had us locked down here for the last seven months, out of contact

with the rest of the world, but I still know what purple looks like when I see

it. Look, nobody's forcing you to be TV Chemical's pet family. If you'll recall,

we had several hundred applicants.

Besides, where are you going to get room, board, and cable in exchange for

living in such lovely surroundings? I know, I'm sorry.

We love it here, we do.

But we are entitled to medical attention.

I've looked at my contract.

Oh, you have, have you?

I've had a lot of free time.

I passed the take -home bar exam, so I'm a lawyer now.

Article 12, Section 3 says that we can see a doctor whenever we want. Let me

you this.

Are you or are you not losing weight?

Yes, we are.

I eat five meals a day, and I never have to leave that couch.

Unless I can't find the channel changer.

And I have lost seven pounds.

Listen, you have a two -year contract.

This is science, not summer camp.

I'll get you a doctor.

Well, good.

Lawyers. I hate...

Lawyers. Miss H -Hon, I can explain.

Last week we were experimenting with a bigger dosage of GC -161 in the melon's

food.

We've already made all the proper adjustments.

Kim will be back to her original color in three days' time.

They want a doctor now.

Now what's a doctor going to say when he finds out that Kim is laced with GC

-161, an illegal and untested chemical?

It depends on who the doctor is.

Isn't this fun?

Yeah.

Ule Ula Ule

Ula

Will you speak to her about it?

Yeah, sure, I'll talk to her.

Thanks, Alex.

You can make a difference.

It's better we take care of this now before more drastic measures are needed.

Wow,

he is really cute.

And so well -informed.

Please leave a message at the beep.

Thank you.

Lawrence Fredrickson here.

At 6 o 'clock, you'll be given special security clearance to Sector 13.

We've gone over your aptitude test again, and it appears that you might

some skills as... a doctor.

Even if the cinnamon twist was a hit, do you have any

idea how much profit I'd make?

Um, how much?

Four cents.

I have advertising costs, rent... And not to mention sprinkles, powdered

the list goes on.

I know all about the new eco plates, Alex.

They're just, they're too expensive.

I tried to tell them that.

I'd have to charge more for my donuts.

And it's 65 cents. I already have the highest price per unit in the valley.

Yeah, but nobody's units taste as good as yours.

Thanks, Alex.

Don't worry about the planet, people. I'm sure they have more pressing

than Wayne's wigwam.

I hope so.

Not as bad as it looks.

Good, because it looks pretty bad.

We're sitting on the greatest weight loss drug known to man, and this little

problem could land us both in prison.

I told you.

Little Miss Tons of Fun is extracting the GC -161 as we speak.

We just have to make her father believe that she's getting the proper medical

attention.

And how do you propose to do that?

Well, Phaetron, you don't want to know, and I don't want to tell you.

Vector 13, all clearance path.

Dr. Abelgood.

You're right.

I don't.

Hello. I'm your doctor.

What do you think you're doing?

This is war, Alex.

Ken said we have to force the issues.

But I told you what she said. Gloria's my friend, Robin.

You're my friend.

Get in line, Alex. Let's hit her where she lives.

You know, the environmental thing is getting way out of hand.

Everyone thinks, oh, I'll pick up a couple cups and I'm saving the

You know, they don't realize that for business people like Gloria, things

that simple.

There's no such thing as a free lunch, Alex.

Honey, come on over here and help us with the puzzle. Come on.

Do you know how much money Gloria makes per unit?

Well, I imagine it varies. For instance, on a jelly -filled donut... Four cents!

Four cents!

These granola butts don't even think about stuff like that.

Honey, I think it's really cool that Robin's getting you involved in this.

seem to be learning a lot.

Don't even go there, Mom. The only reason Robin's suddenly an

is because she thinks Kent Ruttiger is hot.

It's not like she really thinks we can make a difference.

You don't think that you can make a difference?

Mom, I'm 15. Who cares what I think?

Besides, why should I be the one to save the environment? I didn't mess it up.

I just want to eat my donuts in peace.

Don't get me wrong.

I know that they're bad for me and that I should be eating healthier, but life's

tough enough.

I've got to have my donuts.

What's the most donuts you've ever eaten in one sitting?

I had five once.

Five? Yeah, well, the first four were really good, but about halfway through

fifth one, I started to feel really sick.

In fact, I remember thinking that I'd never want to look at another donut

Can you imagine?

Yeah, well, I've come a long way.

Where's my donut?

I'll get it.

All I'm saying, honey, is that I think it's great that you're involved.

What's that phrase?

Think globally, act locally.

Yeah, but a few styrofoam plates never hurt anyone.

Hi, Robin.

What's this I hear about the new man in your life?

Mrs. Mac, I agree.

Oh, honey.

Right here.

She was.

Honey? She must have gone upstairs.

Alex!

Bill?

Wait a second.

In the last week, have you eaten, touched, or in any way become involved

the following foods?

Monkfish?

Head cheese?

Liverwurst?

I love Liv Worst.

I know it's far -fetched, but Dave was the perfect candidate.

He's loyal to us and the only person dumb enough not to fully really

what's going on here.

I told him that his aptitude test revealed that he might make a good

And you really think that the Melons are going to buy this?

I wrote Dave a script which he has memorized.

Trust me.

Doctor, may I ask, what is your specialty?

Sure. It's a fettuccine and a light cream sauce.

Oh,

yeah.

Okay, Mr. Mellon, I have examined Kim thoroughly, and I am ready to give you

diagnosis. Well, we just want our girl back.

Even though she's having some unusual side effects from the food here in PV

Chemical's state -of -the -art testing condo, it's my professional opinion that

she is...

She is Foon.

Foon?

Yeah, Foon.

Foon. She's going to be Foon.

F -U -N -E. I'd pronounce it Fune.

Yeah, this is going very well.

Fine, you idiot.

She's going to be fine.

Excuse me.

Ah, my trusted colleague and friend, Ms. Atron.

Honey, hold hands.

All three.

Nice. We love you, baby.

Build any cinnamon twists?

No. Those kids out there didn't exactly help.

I guess you didn't get a chance to tell them what we talked about.

They're very gung -ho.

Oh, well.

Did you hear about the article in the Paradise Valley News?

Those planet people, or whatever they are, buried me.

They just don't understand about business, Alex.

No offense, but they're just kids.

What's the matter?

I can't.

I don't want them anymore.

Why not?

Because I changed my mind.

Maybe the planet people are right. You should be using the other plates.

Alex.

So, until you can change, I guess I won't be coming here anymore.

Oh, I see.

So this is how you treat your friends?

after I've let you sit in here and helped you with your homework and given

job when you needed money?

It's not about being friends, Gloria.

It's about garbage.

Lots of it. You make it, I make it.

It's easy to throw away, but it doesn't just disappear.

Maybe I can't make a difference, but at least I have to try.

U -N -E.

Boom. Says it right there. It's a typo. You couldn't figure it out that I meant

fine? Well, as you know, I didn't score well on the test. I told you, Kim is

fine. She's fine. I know. I'm the doctor. All right, look, enough.

Would you just get back in there and give her a clean bill of health?

What's in it for me?

What?

Let's just say I'm not the dumb guy you thought I was.

Let's just say I like doing simple things.

Like polishing the company van.

And that I knew that you were doing something illegal down here and you

my cooperation.

Or it would wreck your whole scheme.

What do I get out of it?

Your job back.

And a raise.

Okay, here it comes. I should have known.

Look, write your own ticket for all I care.

Miss H. Look, we're going to make so much money out of this, it's not even

to matter.

I'm serious. I want these people off my back. Just name your price.

Fifty cents an hour.

Thirty -five.

Deal.

And don't worry, I'll lay it on pick.

Mrs. Skinner, duper healthy brown muffin.

My dad has this thing.

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

I never really got what that meant. I mean, when you're a kid, every lunch you

have is free.

I have to admit, sometimes I wish I was a bagel.

Bagel? Why?

Where's the frosting? Where's the sprinkles?

They're more sophisticated, especially nowadays.

Used to be coffee and a donut.

Nowadays, everyone has coffee and a bagel.

There is no such thing as a free lunch.

There are strings attached to everything.

Maybe even things as simple as eating a glazed donut.

Alex,

Gloria is looking for you.

She is?

I'm very happy to say that Kim is going to be fine.

Fine! That was the word, fine!

Now, Ms. Atron, you'll call me if her side effects continue?

Of course I will, Dr. Good. Thank you so much, and goodbye.

Fare thee well.

Goodbye. I'm a real doctor with a real college degree.

Bye. And I was put on this earth to heal, cure, and make people feel good.

Goodbye.

Here you go.

All of our paper products are biodegradable and 100 % environment

And you can even eat the plate if you want.

Marlon, I want a donut. This is where I'm coming.

Yeah, me too.

Cinnamon Twister?

New plates?

What about the money? I thought I cut into your profit.

Well, when you left, I realized as Gloria the businesswoman, I can't afford

lose one of my best customers.

And as just Gloria, I can't afford to lose one of my best friends.

I also raised my prices a little.

Thanks, Gloria.

No, thank you.

Well, set us up a booth. We're going to be here for a while.

Life is weird.

I'm getting older.

Fifteen. Things I believed yesterday, I think differently about today.