Original subtitles

No, you're doing the dance right. It must be your personality the girls don't

like.

Teach you personality?

You think I can't teach you personality? It's just something I happen to have.

Good morning, commanders.

Well, shall we see what the head has in store for us today?

Commanders, your assignments.

Commander Haley, you will undertake a 30 -year mission.

to the planet Java.

Call when you arrive.

Commander Black, you will personally disarm all of the photon explosive

left by the Gorgons on the planet Beldar.

I don't believe it.

Commander Black.

Excuse me, sir. Commander Black, you're going to love Beldar. It's a love.

And Quark, pick up garbage.

And Quark. Here it comes.

You will spend an extended romantic interlude with a beautiful princess.

Ah, I knew it. The galaxy ad infinitum.

Same.

Wait a minute.

I got a princess.

Hey, hey, hey. I got a princess. Hey, hey.

I know the slightest breeze can set off a photon explosive, but you'll survive

somehow. How?

Tiptoe. Oh, God.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. I know you've always gotten me a good price on ambrosia, and

I'm grateful. But what can I do? The head gave you the assignment, not me.

Don't take that tone of voice to me, Commander.

Foundro, the head just gave me a most fantastic mission. What's the catch?

Quark, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but the head is thinking of

you. He is?

Yes, and it's all hinging on my recommendation. And so far, Quark...

very impressed.

Well, give me a chance.

This extended romantic interlude, is it supposed to be with any particular

princess? I can't tell you that. Well, where am I supposed to go? There are a

lot of princesses out there.

I'd like to, but it's top secret. You'll be informed as soon as your ship enters

the Cassier space corridor.

Well, so long, palindrome.

Wish me luck.

Star note.

I got a princess!

Emotionally, I won't feel a thing. It's strictly a mission, and Betty's...

I mean this from the bottom of my heart.

Whatever happens between me and that princess happens for the good of the

Galaxy. Do you believe me? No.

Frankly, I've heard better. Andy. It was a little lame, Commander.

This isn't a group meeting to discuss my love life. I'm talking to the Bettys.

You could have said no, Adam. Sure, if I wanted to be selfish.

But I was thinking of you. If I do this mission right, you, me, all of us are

going to have our own starship.

Our own starship? Thank...

Bettys, I've dreamed about having a starship all my life. I've dreamed, I've

dreamed, I've dreamed of getting off this ship all my life. Commander, I'm

to interrupt the most important moment of your life. Hey, Micus, did you hear

the news? We might be getting rid of this garbage heap and get some real star

speed. Gene, as I'm a vegeton, I don't care either way.

Oh, you... Hold me back, Commander. Hold me back. Gene, I am. I'm holding you.

Oh, uh... Sir, there's a space baggie dead ahead.

Space baggie?

There isn't a settlement within four parsecs of here.

Why would there be a space baggie?

Maintain speed.

Maintaining speed, Commander.

Extend claws.

Claws extending.

Now, that's it.

This is a critical period.

Ease it in.

Now, Adam. Contact, sir.

We have a grab, I repeat. We have a grab.

We have a grab.

Adam, no commander does the grab as well as you.

I'm proud to be under your command, sir.

Thanks, Gene. We have a problem, sir. The garbage hatch won't close.

It seems to be jammed. I'll go below and check on it.

Hey, Space Ranger.

Hey, how you doing, girls?

Oh, hey, hey, hey, I'm a sensitive guy. I know how you feel. You're worried that

this beautiful princess is going to win over the commander with her power,

money, and looks?

Think we're overreacting, Gene?

No, not at all. I'd be scared to death.

Thanks a lot, Gene.

Hey, any time you want to talk.

Hey, what do you say, Ficus?

Our own starship, huh? We're going to have us some times.

Time is a continuum, Gene.

Right, space buddy.

Hey, listen. Let's make sure this mission goes without a hitch, huh? No

mistakes. Where I come from, we have a saying about mistakes.

Ergo limprium von inter revoltum.

Yeah. Well, hey, don't go vegeton, you know?

That was a rough one, but I fixed the garbage hatch.

Here, Adam, let us help you.

Oh, Adam!

Commander!

You look ten years older.

How could this happen?

What's my condition, Ficus? I've got to know.

Sir, it would appear you were upset.

That I know. I want to know why I came out of that hatch ten years older than

when I went down. One explanation might be you were down there ten years. Ficus,

I was down there five hours.

That would rule out that theory.

I'll have to check my results, but my assumption is you caught a virus. A

Could I catch that virus? I don't like viruses, Ficus.

Commander, it's definitely a virus. One that is aging you at the rate of two

years every hour.

As a matter of fact, you just aged another year.

Happy birthday, Adam!

Ficus, how did I get this virus?

From that stray space baggie we picked up. Ficus, you have to find a cure.

Sir? Transmute blood is extremely resistant to disease.

If we could give you a transfusion of Gene's blood. Well, I'm going to check

reactors, Commander. I'm with you all the way.

Gene, you've got to.

I'm not going to connect myself with a virus. Are you crazy? No way.

It's Adam's life.

I'm not going to do it. I don't want to be old. I'm too handsome, too strong.

I hate to be so violent.

Gene, wake up.

Oh. Oh, no.

Gene, it's okay.

You can't catch the virus.

Your blood is flowing into me.

My blood is what?

Hold on, Gene.

It's almost done.

Relax, Commander.

Helping others is the part of space I love.

Commander, I hate to interrupt you in the middle of a transfusion, but

Palindrome is calling you on the telescreen.

Palindrome mustn't know about the virus, Ficus.

I don't need help.

Working with the aged.

Ah, how rewarding.

Hello, palindrome.

Quark, here are your orders.

The baby with the booty brought the body with the baggie.

Palindrome, I don't know what you're talking about.

Quark, are you all right? You look a little tired.

No, no, I'm fine.

Quark, you do this mission right and that promotion's yours.

Did he say the baby with the baggie, or was it the body with the booty?

Hmm?

See, the... See,

first means destroy yourself.

The other way means come home randy.

There's a big difference.

Ficus, did you understand anything Palindrome said?

I did have my back to the screen and was deeply engrossed in my calculations.

Anything I might say would be purely conjecture. Maybe I ought to sit down

this.

You are sitting down, sir.

I know that. I'm the commander.

Wing it, Ficus.

Winging it, sir. I would say that the head has completed a treaty with

Yes, a planet long coveted by the dreaded Gorgons. Your mission is to

the signing of the treaty by completing an extended romantic interlude with the

ruler of Camemora, Princess Karna.

I already had an interlude with the Princess Karna.

How considerate of Palindrome to reunite you, sir. Yes, yes, yes, yes. The women

of Camemore are known for their passions.

Camemorian men never live past 25.

Most never survive the honeymoon.

As the human being that you are, you should enjoy this. Yes, yes, yes, yes,

When I was young and strong, Princess Karna almost killed me.

What will happen to me in this condition?

Nothing. Nothing? No. No.

Really?

The transfusion failed.

Failed. Yes.

At the rate you're aging, long before you reach Princess Karna, you'll be

Dead. Yes.

Star note.

Ficus could use some work on his bedside manner.

There is another cure.

Oh, let's try it.

If it works, it could kill the virus. Kill the virus. If it doesn't, it could

kill you. Kill me. Yes.

Now, let me understand this.

You're going to send an electrical current through my body that will kill

virus.

Ficus, have you ever done this before?

Yes, sir. Good.

On plants to kill black root fungus.

Black root fungus?

I'm not a plant. I'm a human being.

Did you feel pain, sir? No. I was singing.

Oh, why would one sing?

Ficus, I felt pain.

Good. Then it's working.

Hello, Adam Quark. This is Princess Karna. Oh, my galaxy. I've requested

the head send you so that I may once again experience your masculine strength

and power.

As you know, I adore men who possess such qualities.

All of my late husbands did.

So hurry.

Hurry.

Hurry. Hurry.

If only I could.

Hi, Gene, this is Palindrome.

Hi, how are you? Just fine.

Is Commander Quark there?

We're in the middle of space. Where else would he be? Just get him for me,

please. Hey, Commander, it's for you.

Hold on, I'll be right with you, Space Ranger.

I seem to have had a little snag on this mission.

What snag? And will you move into view?

Quark, look at you. You're so old.

What happened?

I caught this virus.

But how could you do this? What's Princess Karna going to think?

I'm not going to make it to Princess Karna. The Gorgons are courting her. If

lose this ally to the Gorgons... We are working on a cure.

Harkis already tried transfusion and an electrical process, but it didn't quite

work. Oh, great.

The fate of the Alliance depends upon a plant curing a virus?

He's a smart plant.

Warwick, I want you to hear this recommendation I wrote for you.

Uh, sure, Quark is unqualified, but if I work with him closely, giving him the

benefit of my knowledge, my experience, my general space savvy, I'm sure I can

pull a starship commander out of the cocoon of Adam Quark.

That's a wonderful recommendation.

Look like a good recommendation?

Adam, you've got to ingest. You need the energy.

What is this?

Mashed alkali with soft galactic yeast. Did you like it?

Too lumpy.

You know, stranger?

Believe this, we finally get a chance for our own starship and the commander

blows it.

It's not Adam's fault he's dying.

I'm not so sure about that.

Did you lose something?

What was that?

Adam liked it.

You mean the commander ate from...

Flashing before my eyes.

Beating up my first grovulite.

Buying my first dress.

Joining the cadets.

Dating a cadet.

Killing my first gorgon.

Nursing the wounded.

Ah, sure, I've made mistakes.

But the heck with it.

I've got to be us.

Attention, attention.

A fleet of gorgon ships is preparing to attack. If you need me, forget it.

I'll be on the bridge, Commander. We're going to get us some Gorgies. Come on,

Bettys.

Sonny. Yes, sir. Who are the Gorgies?

They're our dreaded arch enemy.

Sir, your mind is flipping.

You've got to understand, they'll try and destroy us.

I understand.

I'm okay.

Oh, Sonny. What is it, sir?

Who are the Gorgies?

Commander. The Gorgons are in range. Your instructions.

Instructions. Yeah, of course, instructions.

Set course reading, uh, one, two, seven.

Commander, that'll put us right in their pocket.

Is that bad?

Does that answer your question?

Madam Fork has never lost a battle.

You there, change course to one -five.

No, make that one -seven.

Commander, you're obviously unfit to command this ship. I'm taking over.

You are?

Commander, you're not listening to me. Look at you. You're not capable of

running this ship.

Maybe I'm not.

Sir, our digital scanners reveal that the Gorgons have just accelerated into

myvenial wilderness magnetor. I guess when I'm in charge, you're going to talk

like everybody else. You got that?

This young... This young fellow is right. I'm giving up command for the

of all.

You mean I'm taking over?

If you're taking over, I'm getting off.

No! I may be old, but I'm not crazy.

As the second -ranking officers, the Bettys are taking command.

What was that about not being crazy?

Those two?

You can't do this to me, Commander. I ain't taking orders from no clone.

In that case, Gene, you'll take all your orders from me.

Don't listen to her, Gene.

She's the clone.

Oh, I...

Life is like a fountain, Alex.

My name is not Alex.

Gorgon chip, 9 .5 and closing.

Prepare to fire on lasers.

No, bring up the deflector shield.

Make up your mind.

The only things they can make up are their faces.

I say shield.

Lasers. Life is like a laser, Alex. Your mind has slipped.

Gorgon chip, 8 .7 and closing.

This is quite an adventure.

I hate adventure.

Buddy, what are we going to do?

Betty. Alex. Oh, grot. My name is Andy.

Don't swear, Alex.

Sir, take it from Alex. These faceheads will get us killed.

Your ship is in danger.

My ship?

My crew?

My life? My life, yes!

What's your name?

Bacchus Panderata, sir. You'll get over that, sailor. Put plan green.

Maneuver DL -17 into effect.

We're about ship 7 .9 are in closing.

Okay, Bettys.

When he gets in range, blast the bucket.

Yes, sir.

Betty, fire.

Got him.

I'm going to miss my Adam when he's gone.

He was my Adam.

He was my Adam.

No, he wasn't. He was mine.

Fire to fire.

Fire.

Got him.

Good work, Betty. Way to go.

Come on.

Here

comes

Karna. Betty, when you transport me down, make

it someplace.

Soft and comfortable.

Oh, Adam, you're so brave to face that awful Princess Karn in your condition.

It's my only chance to command a starship.

Oh, Adam, I feel so close to you knowing that in only a matter of minutes you'll

be dead.

Betty, I'll never see you again.

I have to know.

Which one's the clone?

Shit!

My galaxy?

There's an old man in your tub.

Adam, is that you?

Yes, it's me.

And I have to ask you a favor.

Would you sign the treaty?

Adam, for you, I would do anything.

Oh, thank you.

Adam, you've changed.

You're old.

What's that?

I said you're old.

Old, yes, yes. You noticed.

I knew you'd be angry.

Angry with you, Adam.

How can I be angry when I know how fantastic you are?

Fantastic.

I can't even get out of this tub.

Ladies.

Ladies.

You must

be a little disappointed to find me older

than you expected.

Oh, Adam, not at all. As a matter of fact, I find it very exciting.

You find it exciting?

You find it exciting?

I've never spent a romantic interlude with a man over 25 before.

My luck.

Adam, this is going to be the best interlude ever.

You may leave.

Thank you.

I meant my handmaidens.

Maybe they'd like to stay a while.

We can play four -handed space rummy.

Oh!

Adam? Uh -huh? Oh,

my galaxy.

Over here.

Be kind.

Well, time to pick up the commander's bones, Ficus.

You'll be pleased to know that I finally synthesized the serum to counteract

Commander Quark's virus.

Well, a fat lot of good that's going to do him now that he's passed on the big

starship in the sky.

This is Princess Karna. Yes, this is Commander Quark's ship.

Are you ready to transport your commander?

Yes, just place his body in the clear area and step back.

Ficus, hit the switch.

All clear.

Oh, Adam! You're not dead!

Very good, Betty. It must have been terrible down there. You don't know the

of it, but the alliance is secure.

Congratulations, sir. Mission completed. I knew you could do it. Our own

starship. Please be seated, sir. Phaeton torpedoes, gamma blasters, ultra -light

speed.

Those Gorgons won't have a chance.

I'm going to call Mom and Dad, Dad and Mom.

Oh, Adam, you're fantastic.

That's the second time today someone told me that.

There's hardly a trace of the virus.

Oh? May I ask if while you were on chamomile, you did anything out of the

ordinary? You could say that. And your blood pressure, did it increase?

Okay. And your breathing? Very rapid at times.

Then I would say that your extended romantic interlude with Princess Karna

brought about changes in your body chemistry that temporarily reversed the

effect of the virus. Oh.

However, it did not destroy it altogether.

No. No. No. No. I've still got it. Yes. Aha.

How do I get rid of it?

There are two possible ways.

Two? Yes.

One is another extended romantic interlude lasting seven days.

Seven? Yes.

Oh, Adam.

The other is this.

What's this?

That was a serum that I synthesized. Oh. It should destroy the virus in ten

seconds. Ten? Yes.

Oh, Ficus.

Penny, take us home.

On the way to Camemore to complete my mission, I was invaded by a virus,

transfused by a transmute, attacked by gorgons, electrocuted, and nearly died

of old age.

And to think, this was the best assignment I ever had.