Original subtitles

Now, this lovely home has three spacious bedrooms, a country kitchen, and a

terrace overlooking the 18th fairway at Johnny K. Country Club. And it's been

reduced to $199 ,500.

Hi, you're on the air with Joanna Loudon.

Hello, Joanna.

That dress looks darling on you.

What shoes are you wearing with it?

Uh, heels.

Did you have a question about the house?

What house is that, dear?

Thank you for calling.

You're on the air with Joanna Loudon. Are you wearing flats?

I just told that other caller I'm wearing heels.

With those earrings?

Are you crazy?

We'll be right back after this message.

And we're out.

Those shoes are called heels, huh?

I've been hosting this show for eight months, and nobody seems to understand

that I'm selling houses.

Well, maybe now is a good time to remind the viewers what the concept is. You

can start by refreshing my memory.

It's a real estate program.

It's not a fashion show?

You're not a model?

Bud, don't be silly.

Joanna's not young enough.

to be old enough to be a moth.

Back in five, four, three, two.

Welcome back to Your House is My House.

Note the name of my show.

It's not Your Shoes are My Shoes. No, no, no. I show houses and you can buy

them. Simple enough, isn't it?

You're on the air with Joanna Loudon. Yeah, yeah.

Thanks for reminding me and the wife about, you know, what your show's about

everything. I got a question. Go ahead.

How do you keep them teeth of yours so damn white?

Oh, yes, you are.

Oh, yes, you are.

Oh, yes, you are.

Gosh, baby Stephanie is getting more and more beautiful every day.

And? Oh, right.

Mama Stephanie is getting more and more beautiful every day, too.

Oh, stop it, George. You're embarrassing me.

Boy, it's sure going to be confusing having two Stephanies around here.

Why, G -Guy?

Well, let's say five years from now I get my head stuck in the banister and I

call out...

Help me, Stephanie.

Which one of you will come running?

Oh, that's easy. Michael would.

I guess I was worried for nothing.

Bye -bye, pretty little Steffi. Bye, George.

Oh, yes, you are.

Oh, yes, you are.

Hey, feast your peepers, innkeepers.

Oh, honey, we're invited to the official...

Viewing of baby Stephanie. We felt the town should be allowed to pay homage to

our creation.

Wait a minute. You invited the whole town here?

Well, we thought about having it at our place, but you know what a mess these

townspeople make.

Well, don't you think it would have been a good idea to ask our permission

first? Well, what would you have said?

Absolutely not.

Well, then it wouldn't have been a good idea, would it?

I suppose not.

Now run along and put one of those flyers under every windshield wiper in

Rightio. And, you know, don't limit yourself to the town. Flag down cars on

interstate.

Adios, all.

Sayonara, little Steffy Thun.

Golly whompers, every time I speak to her, it's howl -o -rama.

Well, maybe she's having trouble understanding whatever language it is

speak.

Could be, could be.

From now on, I speak plain.

Goodbye, everybody.

Goodbye, young girl.

Is there some tragic flaw in this novice, Paul?

Joanna, your show is on today.

Did you watch it?

No, but whenever you wear those silly heels with those ridiculous earrings, I

always know something's up.

Does everyone in this town think my show is about my wardrobe?

Well, heck, it's about a lot more than that.

It's about your makeup, your hairdo.

Nobody takes what I do seriously.

Well, honey, maybe, you know, they're just blinded by your beauty.

I mean, a lot of people watch my show just because, you know, they think I'm a

stud.

Hello?

Hi.

I know you.

You're Joanna Loudon from TV.

Only here you're almost real.

Does my blusher look as natural in person as it does on my beauty show? You

two shows?

I only watch the real estate one.

Oh, well, do yourself a favor and catch the beauty show.

Excellent. Just excellent.

I will.

In the meantime, I'm in the market for a house and that...

Three -bedroom Tudor you showed sure was cool.

Well, would you like to see it right now? It's even cooler on the inside.

Me?

Well,

I'm glad you got our flyer, but I'm not sure I want a busload of

nuns on some spiritual quest coming to my baby's viewing.

An offering?

Well, how much are we talking?

Oh, don't plead poverty with me, sister.

Some nuns, huh? Yeah.

Just a take from one bingo game would qualify them as sponsors.

Uh, sponsors.

Yeah, a gift up to $20 makes you a sponsor of the baby. And $20 to $50

a patron, and anything over $50, you're an angel.

And what benefit is there in becoming, you know, an angel, aside from the

obvious perk of eternal life in heaven?

You get to hold little Steffi.

Patrons can only look at her.

So what do sponsors get to do? Press their noses up against the windows?

Sponsors get to press their noses up against the windows.

But, of course, you and Joanna will want to be angels.

Well, since we gave you the carriage house rent -free out back, you know, we

thought that maybe we already were angels, if not demigods.

Well, houses are not part of our registered gift list.

We have you and Joanna down for a big -screen TV.

And maybe a big satellite dish to go with it?

Too unsightly.

A little dish would do.

So how was house hunting?

Misty.

Especially the Tudor.

From the powder room, you get this amazing view of the whole town. The

graveyard, the sewage plant, the dump.

I bet on a clear day you can see all the way to the slaughterhouse.

I hope, I hope, I hope.

You're buying a house?

Well, hold off on the down payment until you reap this.

Wow. A baby viewing.

Is this your baby?

Yeah. And that little look just cost you 20 to 50.

Worth every penny.

Well, thanks.

You're an angel.

Well, a patron.

Dave, you know, if you like the Tudor, should we write up an offer?

No.

It had a flagstone walkway.

So? Joanna, everybody knows that walking on flagstone causes memory loss in

laboratory rats.

Dave, you could have the flagstones ripped out.

Yeah.

But I'd always know they'd been there.

Not if you walked on it a lot.

What about the Victorian on Manor Circle?

It had smoke detectors.

Yeah, yeah, you finally get, you know, your house to go up in flames, and then

the darn buzzers start going off.

I think we should keep looking.

How many houses are for sale in this county?

Maybe a thousand.

Better get cracking.

Race you to the station wagon. Ready? Go.

Dick, what should I do?

Honey, you know, if you hurtle the front hedge, you could still beat him.

Okay,

your $20 are up.

Dick, are you trying to sneak a look at our baby without giving her a present

first?

Well, that puncher looks inviting, doesn't it?

Keep an eye on that one. He's wily.

Hi.

I'm Larry.

This is my brother Daryl, and this is my other brother Daryl.

I'm not going to look. Will you get away from me?

We're here to view Miss Stephanie's cherished offspring, Miss Stephanie.

Huh?

Daryl feels it must be mind -boggling to have two family members with the same

name.

Uh, aren't you guys kind of in the same boat?

I don't think so.

Hi, I'm Larry.

This is my brother Daryl. And this is my other brother Daryl.

Nope. No Stephanies in our family.

Tiffany rattle.

Daryl cautions you to proceed carefully. The rattle's still attached to its

original owner.

Oh, yeah, that must be from Tiffany's new reptile department.

Sir George, would you, uh...

Take this outside to that other gift table. You know, the one behind the

You mean the garbage can?

Oh, that gift table.

Since Daryl here hunted for the gift, he should have the honor of holding baby

Steffi.

Well, I don't know if your gift was worth $50.

The defanging in Daryl's anti -venom shot cost $80.

Oh, okay. You're allowed to lift our lassie, laddie.

Well, obviously, you're no novice to neonatals.

Daryl's never cuddled a sweet, soft, young thing before.

Unless you count Daryl.

Show us the way to the baby.

You can't miss her. She's the only one in the room who's drooling.

Except for Thor here.

Put me down as patron.

Three general admission tickets to the big carnival in Tyvale.

They got a Canadian goose that mambos.

Well, if you're good for a goose, we're good for a gander.

And Jim sprung for the bus tickets to Toyville.

Nope, changed my mind.

Three tickets to the Moscow Circus. And world -famous Radio City Music Hall.

They've got a Soviet bear that cha -chas.

Jim Dixon, we agreed the best we could afford was patron category. You made me

pinky swear.

Yeah, in this state, pinky swearing is legally binding.

Right, right, Thor?

Well, I didn't want to come off an old tightwad like some people.

It's not my fault my electric bill is sky high.

Well, it's no wonder you keep your heat on day in, day out.

It's like a darn oven in your house.

Please stop arguing, or I'll have to deduct seconds from your baby -holding

time.

Brace yourself for a blast of bawling, Boysky.

She's purring.

Dickens, my babe in arms goes goo -goo for the guests, but poo -poo's her own

papa.

She even cries when I croon my girl.

Well, you know, some babies...

Just don't dig the Motown sound.

Somebody say Motown?

Bong, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. Bong, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. I got

sunshine on a cloudy day.

When it's cold outside, I get the month of May.

I get...

Make me feel this way, my girl.

Michael

and

Stephanie are frantic. They've unwrapped all their gifts and they can't find

your TV or satellite dish.

I didn't buy them, George.

You looked at baby Stephanie without paying? What's happening to you, Dad?

I'm a cheap piece of dirt, George.

I showed Dave 120 houses. He found something wrong with every single one of

them. Wait till you hear this. No time.

No time. I gotta buy a big screen.

It was this old colonial on Maskell Road.

He said the doorbell sounded insincere.

I'm giving up.

I mean, I'm not supposed to sell real estate.

Obviously, I should change my name to Jolene and open up a beauty parlor.

Well, Jolene, before you quit, you should go to his house.

And beat him to a pulp?

Well, you could, but you could also get an idea of the kind of house he'd like

by seeing where he lives now.

It's like when I had to replace the legs on the dining room table.

I couldn't figure which kind to use, so flashlight in my mouth, I crawled

underneath to have a look.

And that helped?

No, but I found a quarter in Dick's cuff.

Well, I couldn't go over there now anyway. Dick just took the car.

I could drive you in my pickup.

Oh, George, let's go.

And on the way, I'll tell you about the time I found a penny in Dick's loafer.

See? I had to replace a leg on your bench, so flashlight in my mouth, I

underneath to have a look.

Dave?

It's Joanna.

Oh, hi, Joanna.

How you doing?

Fine. I brought our handyman, George Utley, over with me.

Nice to meet you, George.

Nice to meet you, Dave.

Thanks for stopping by.

Anytime.

Dave, we came over to see your house.

Hope you liked it.

We sure did.

Dave, I'd like to see the inside of your house so I have an idea what you're

looking for.

Oh, no, Joanna.

You can't come in. I'm not wearing...

Socks.

I promise I won't look at you from the neck down.

So, uh... Anybody care for a soft drink?

You got any Tom Collins mix?

Finished it off at breakfast.

I got no salt seltzer.

No, I'm having that for dinner.

Got anything else?

How about soup? I got tomato, cream of mushroom... Dave, Dave, could you turn

the lights?

I knew you'd ask that.

Dave, this room is...

A little bizarro.

Oh, it's no more bizarro than my shrine to Lee Merriweather.

But your space flows better.

At least now I know what you like.

Yeah.

You.

Wasn't it neat spending all those afternoons driving around together?

Yeah, neat.

You never wanted to buy a house, did you, Dave? Oh, sure I did.

I loved the one with the flagstone walkway.

You said you hated flagstone.

Wow, an entire bedroom set made out of flagstone.

Aren't you afraid that canopy's gonna fall on your head?

Dave, can you afford a house?

Well, that depends.

Is $240 ,000 enough?

You have $240 ,000 in my head?

It's amazing how much money you can save by not keeping the heat on day in, day

out. You saved that money just by conserving energy?

Yeah. Also, my aunt left me $239 ,500 in her will.

You know, uh...

Dave, I know sometimes when a young man meets someone who's kind of well -known

and glamorous, it's easy to be dazzled.

But there comes a time when you have to let go.

Okay.

I mean, there's a grieving process that we all go through when the beautiful

love object of our dreams slips out of reach.

I've already let you go, Joanna.

Boy, you're really a little stuck on yourself, aren't you?

I get these crushes every couple of weeks.

Lately, I've been getting tingly feelings about Sally Struthers.

Well, now that you're moving on to Miss Struthers, do you want me to take that

mannequin off your hands?

You really want a mannequin of me?

Boy, you are stuck on yourself.

I'm going to glue Lee Merriweather's picture over your face.

At least she's not an egomaniac.

Thanks for stepping in, sir.

Oh, Michael, have you and Big Stephanie finished inventory?

Yeah, the total tally is five angels, 22 sponsors, 16 patrons, and one cheap

piece of dirt.

That's a Mr.

Cheap Piece of Dirt to you.

Oh, please, wall up that wailing.

If you dry your ducks, darling, Daddy will buy you a Bill Blass baby blankie.

Yeah, Zooks, all I have to do is bribe her like I do her namesake.

Hush, hush, sweet step -dad.

There's a pair of baby Dijon booties in it for you.

Oh, Dickie, my little bundle can be bought.

Honey, guess what?

I sold Dave a house.

And all along, I thought you became a real estate agent just to see your name

bus benches.

So I guess I'm not just a fashion plate with a fabulous face and figure after

all. No, but you're becoming one heck of an egomaniac.

My congratulations.

Thanks.

Neat, huh?

Dave sold me this cool Joannikin for 30 bucks.

By the way, robbery, George, I could have sold you the original for 25.