Original subtitles

Here's your French toast. Eat it as fast as you possibly can.

What's the rush, dear?

I go on maternity leave as soon as the breakfast dishes are done.

So, let's chow down, okay?

Stephanie, let Mrs. Pesco enjoy her meal.

Look, I give birth in a week, and I intend to pamper myself until then.

But the sooner she pelages off that French toast, the sooner I get to soak

tub with cucumber slices on my eyes.

Still. Nursing those eggs, huh, Dick?

Yeah, I like to linger over my yolks.

It soothes me.

Oh, and I wouldn't mind some fresh coffee.

Oh, you just love to make a pregnant woman jump, don't you?

Why have we kept her on for six years?

We're idiots.

You two cuties up for a quick Q &A?

Depends on the cue.

Here's the quiz, kids.

What kind of parents do you think Stephanie and I will make? You're up

JoJo.

Well, I think if you and Stephanie can put aside your selfishness and realize

that this baby is going to be totally dependent on you and will require

guidance and attention. What a negative Nellie.

I should have prompted you first. Here.

Think fun and read.

I think Michael and Stephanie will make absolutely wonderful parents.

Thanks, Mrs. Al. That means so much coming from you.

Dick?

I can't talk immediately.

Hey, George man.

What kind of parents do you think Stephanie and I will make?

I think Michael and Stephanie will make absolutely wonderful puppets.

parents.

Thanks, Cheesters. It means so much coming from you. When will this be on

Ah, never.

I'm putting together a tape as a gift for my yet -to -be -born newborn.

Oh, you better erase me.

I don't mind fibbing to thousands of folks out in TV land, but I could never

to a baby that hasn't been born yet.

The show will be on Wednesday after Jake and the Fat Man.

Great time slot.

I hope the camera doesn't put 10 pounds on me like it does to Joe Penny.

Michael, are you asking everyone the big question?

Well, I squeezed the correct answer out of Joanna and George, but Dick's playing

mute du jour.

Dick? Uh, hang on, Paul. I'm in.

What about the others on your list?

I've interviewed everyone except Dr. Grossman and the scrub nurse, but I

I can nab them once we're in delivery.

Do you actually think you're bringing that camera into the delivery room?

how else can I capture the slapping of our saplings posterior for posterity?

I forbid you. to tape the birth of our baby.

A lot of couples are doing it. No, a lot of couples go square dancing. That

doesn't make it acceptable behavior.

Point well taken.

Wouldn't the two of you like to view a video of my mama llama dropping our top

wing?

Michael,

look deep into my eyes. What are they doing?

Squinting. And what does that signify?

That I'll be singing soprano if I don't watch my step?

Nope. Promise me you will not bring that camera into the delivery room.

That copper's a... I promise I will not bring this camera into the delivery

room. Good.

You two have stuffed your faces long enough.

I'm officially on maternity leave.

You do intend to keep your promise, don't you? Sort of.

You know what I got up here?

You tell us.

Plans, my friends. Big plans.

Do we have earthquakes in Vermont?

Only when the Stones play the Civic Center.

My body started rumbling and it scared me.

Stephanie, you had your first contraction. I did?

But I didn't get it on tape.

Um...

Shouldn't we be rushing to the hospital or something?

Dick's right.

I can't give birth in a filthy, disgusting dining room.

I'll go start at the car. Let's take Dick's car in case I'm early and things

messy.

So pregnant and yet so practical.

Hi, Stephanie.

How are you feeling?

I think I felt another earthquake.

It must have been an aftershock.

I think I felt another one of those twingies.

Contraction, Stephanie.

Don't you remember that word from Lamaze?

Well, Michael and I didn't pay that much attention in class. We were too busy

giggling at all the other mothers' god -awful maternity outfits.

I mean, being pregnant is no excuse for throwing all fashion sense out the

window.

Ain't that the gospel?

You know, that last twingy smarted a little. I hope this childbirth thing

painful.

Well, I hear some women experience a teeny bit of agony.

Well, that won't do at all.

Quick, I need comforting thoughts.

Well, you know... Hang in there.

Hang in there?

Isn't that that stupid poster of that mangy kitten doing chin -up?

Well, yeah, but...

You know, the message, the message is universal.

You're supposed to be a writer.

I'm sorry I let you all down.

You wouldn't think a neurosurgeon would need 12 takes to get it right.

Why is that camera in this room? I thought I threatened you about that.

Au contraire, Cuppers. You threatened me about bringing this into the delivery

room. Oh, I'm getting my threats all mixed up.

I'm in labor, you know.

I think that twingy was it.

People, it's now time for me to give birth to the most beautiful baby ever

I'll, uh, I'll go get Don and Phil.

The Everly brothers?

No, the Orderly.

Don.

Hang in there.

Oh, you're so sweet, Michael.

All right, listen up, crew.

We're at two minutes in county, so man your prenatal positions.

Hey, Bud, no one's budging.

They're on coffee break, Mikey.

What? My pet's ready to pop. When's it over?

About an hour, Mikey.

An hour coffee break?

They've got a strong union, Mikey. Enough with the Mikeys.

Look, I'm thrilled you guys could all be here for my wife's birth, but times are

ticking, so how about you boy chicks cut your break a bit so we can get this

damn thing on film?

You've got to take that up with our union rep, Mikey. All right, fine. Where

he? Right here, Mikey.

Will you let these guys work through their break?

Hey, afterwards I'll, uh...

I'll buy everybody bagels. Bagels?

And cream cheese?

Yes.

Michael, ready for sound check?

Okay, bud, you're up. Oh, okay.

She's coming. She's coming. All right, everybody.

Stephanie gives birth to the most beautiful baby ever born. Take one.

Quietly. On a bell.

Hurry up.

Camcorder, you didn't say anything about using three studio cams and a crew of

15.

Get out!

Coopers.

How about just two studio cams?

Out!

What are you all just standing around for?

Mikey promised us bagels.

And cream cheese.

Yeah, that's right. Out!

Ow!

Ow! All of you, ow!

You, wait.

Thank you.

Sorry

it

took so long, but I had to wait for the heads to go down.

Oh, that's okay.

I'd rather have flat beers than those ones with the heads on them any day.

So what are you drinking to?

Oh, the wife kicked this pig out on his skin.

Is he cheating on her?

Heavens, no.

You wanna?

Heavens, no.

My primetime pumpkin is moments away from producing a spinoff.

His wife's expecting a baby.

Could we get some pretzels, preferably, you know, stale ones to go with our flat

beers?

Sorry, we're out of stale pretzels.

I'll bring you stale popcorn.

Oh, how could my sweetums throw me out like that?

Was what I did for love so wrong?

Michael, you brought 15 burly men into that delivery room.

Yeah, right. I guess I should have gone without the stunt double.

It's on the house.

If lucky, my boss asks, you're a restaurant critic.

Gotcha.

Can I say something?

Is it going to be a burp, George?

Not yet.

When my cow, Lizanne, gave birth, I was with her every step of the way.

Do you mind if I sit for the rest of this?

No, George, I'm sure it won't spoil the impact of your story.

Anyway, when delivery time came, Lizanne suddenly didn't want me around.

She started mooing and kicking at my head.

But I stood my ground, and I was there to see the birth of my, well, her child.

George, maybe you'd better stop there. You know, you have had half a beer. You

don't want to betray a trust.

Please, Dick, I wish to hear more. Continue the yarn, you.

The upshot is...

Even though Liz Ann protested, she did appreciate me being there.

She told you that?

Let's just say she named her calf Farm Boy.

Golly, gee, golly. If George can stand by his cow, then yelp, Inhumany, I can

stand by my wife. Right, Dick?

I'm going to zip over to that hospital and help my little heifer with the birth

of our calf.

Whoa, I should have never had that third sip.

Yeah, that's the one that makes your knees wobble.

If I drink any more, I'm going to start telling you about my Lisanne.

I guess in every man's life, there's a Lisanne. Huh, Dick?

No.

No farm boy there isn't.

Dr. John E. Cake.

Paging Dr.

Cake. Dr. John E. Cake.

Uh, excuse me.

That mirror's at a bad angle. I can't see my face.

It's angled so you can watch the birth of your baby.

Well, that's okay for some people.

For some, um, dumb people to be.

But... Some people ain't me.

Are you in pain?

We Vanderkellens don't experience pain.

Unless you're talking about the painful burden of great wealth.

Hi, Stephanie.

I thought you might need some support since Michael won't be around.

They wouldn't let you wear your sweater over that gown, huh?

I didn't ask.

And they said no.

Well, make yourself useful and adjust that mirror so I can fix my hair.

Stephanie, when you give birth, it doesn't matter what you look like.

Joanna, newborns are very impressionable.

I don't want mine frightened by unruly hair.

I really felt that one.

This is beginning to annoy me.

Dr. Grossman.

You know, Stephanie, as the father of this child, Michael really should be

He was there for the conception.

He didn't think we needed a film crew then.

Look, Michael was just overly excited about the birth of his child. If he's

guilty of anything, it's that he loves you and the baby too much.

Is there any way to stop these things that breathe into

a paper bag or something?

Well, I hear we're ready to shoot out a baby.

No.

I've decided to hold it in until we find my overloving husband.

Stephanie, you can't hold a baby in if it's ready to come out.

I'm Evander Kellen. I can do anything I want.

You also said Evander Kellen doesn't feel pain, and you were wrong about

Oh, is this really any of your business, Lucy?

Look, the baby's Evander Kellen, too, so if it wants out, it's coming out.

But it's also half Harris.

I mean, maybe the Evander Kellen half could talk the Harris half into staying

inside.

Does that make sense to anyone?

Joanna, I'm scared.

What if the baby doesn't like me?

Oh, Stephanie, there's no greater love than the love a child has for his

That was very inspirational, Joanna.

You and Dick should write a book of cliches.

Michael! I'm here for you, my little beer nut.

Okay, Joanna, you can go now.

Don't I even get a thanks for stopping by?

Oh, all right.

Joanna, your hair doesn't look so bad.

Thanks.

Hang in there.

I had to say something nice. She seems so down.

Hey, Doc, glad you popped in. We might have some work for you.

Is this Mrs. Doctor, Doctor?

Michael, this is not the time or place for your Dean Martin impression.

This is no impression. I had three sips of beer.

Michael! Well, right after this baby's born, you are drawing out at the Betty

Ford Clinic.

You could stay in my father's suite.

This looks like it.

Good Lord, you mean our top drain is pulling in?

Oh, my petite Guernsey, I... I'm so, so sorry about that little lights -camera

-contractions fiasco.

Oh, Michael, who cares?

Now, what did we learn in that baby class?

That most of the other parents drive cheap domestic cars.

We really should have taken notes.

Jump back. I do remember something else.

Pull, Steph. Pull.

You know, pushing is another way to go.

Push that.

Push.

Michael, is that a bead of perspiration on my forehead?

Oh, Lordy, it is. You want me to clear the room before anyone else sees it?

No, that won't be necessary.

I've decided it's okay if I perspire during labor.

You'll do anything for this baby, won't you?

Away from your face, cuppers? Are you sure?

Yes. It doesn't matter what I look like. I want to see our beautiful baby come

into this world.

Oh, sweet pea, I don't know when I've loved you as much as right now. Shut up

and tilt the damn mirror down.

You got it, my billowing babe.

Oh, my God.

The miracle of birth.

I can see it too, Steph. I see a little bald head with glasses.

That's the doctor.

You hear that, Steph? Our baby's a doctor.

You're looking at Dr.

Grossman. Oh, Muffin, you're giving birth to a Jewish doctor.

Oh, Michael, you're so stupid when you're drunk.

My son, the Jewish doctor.

Congratulations, it's a girl.

My daughter's a Jewish doctor.

Oh, Steph, aren't the two of us just so wonderful?

No, Michael.

The three of us.

Oh, Cuppers, I love you so.

Oh, Michael.

Not in front of the kids.

I think Michael and Stephanie will make absolutely wonderful parents.

Oh, absolutely. Michael and Stephanie will make wonderful parents.

I think Michael and Stephanie will make absolutely wonderful parents.

I think that Michael and Stephanie will make absolutely wonderful parents.

I think... I think Michael and Stephanie will make absolutely wonderful parents.

Can I go now?