Original subtitles

Preservation for Terry and Irene Sadler. Oh, yes, yes, we've been expecting you.

I'm Dick Loudon.

Hi. Hi.

You're the couple from Kansas, right? We've been driving for days across this

miserable country of ours.

America. What a bunch of hype.

Not having much of a vacation?

Well, it's been one disappointment after another. We drove 800 miles out of our

way to see the damn bluegrass of Kentucky.

There's no bluegrass.

It's damn green, just like every place else.

What a damn hoax.

And then we head up to Hershey, Pennsylvania, just to drive down their

chocolate -covered streets.

They're asphalt, Dick.

Just like any place else.

I mean, you know, how do they get away with it?

Guess what they don't have any of in Buffalo, New York.

Way ahead of you there, Terry.

Well, Vermont won't disappoint you.

Well, I'm sure you're right.

Coming up the driveway, we could already smell that clean salt air.

Yeah.

What are we, about a five -minute walk to the beach?

More like a... Five -day walk.

We're a good 200 miles from the ocean.

Then where do you dig for clams for your famous New England clam bakes?

We're not famous for clam bakes, but we are famous for maple syrup.

We came to Vermont for clams, not syrup!

Easy, Irene.

You've been behind the wheel a little too long.

You could use a nap.

Room four, top of the stairs.

Honk in.

Honk. Oh, I feel so bad.

Oh, they'll be better after their nap, George.

Well, it's not that.

The streets in Hershey aren't chocolate covered.

Mama lied to me.

Stratford Inn.

Dick, I need a favor, and I need it now.

Anything, name it.

Who is this?

Stephanie. Oh, Stephanie.

Joanna and I were just saying how nice and quiet it is here since you... Yeah,

miss you, too.

Look, the baby showers Mommy lined up for me were a real bust. Do you know

these Newport blue hairs give instead of gift?

They're warm wishes.

Can you believe it?

Boy, where do they get off?

Now, Dick.

You need to run down to Menke's Market at once and tell Michael to hit Menke up

for a huge raise.

Well, couldn't you just call Michael at the store?

Oh, right.

The last employee that got a personal phone call had to walk around the store

for a month in lead shoes.

Pretty strict, huh?

And if he was that hard on his own grandmother, imagine what he'd do to

Stephanie, I'm kind of tied up here, you know, with important stuff. Dick!

My unborn child's pampered future is at stake. Now put down the paper airplane

and go.

She must have heard me folding the paper.

Where are you going?

To the market. Oh, good. It'll save me a trip.

You know I can't make out your abbreviations.

T -P. Now, what's that? Toilet paper?

Don't be silly.

Toothpaste.

And I suppose C -J is what?

Cranberry juice?

Chicken giblets.

Giblets begins with a G.

I know that, but if I wrote down C -G, I'd end up buying crunchy granola, and

have a whole box left.

It's going to be a long day at the market.

Oh, the shoes of murder on the arches.

Oh, hi, Michael. Oh, howdy ho, Dick Berger.

How do you like the fruits of my labor?

Peachy.

Joanna gave me a shopping list. I can't figure out her abbreviations.

DP, what would that be? Dried pork? Date pudding?

Dill pickles, Dickles.

Okay, next.

Uh, L -C -M. Locale mail.

G -P.

Gray coupon.

Uh,

P -O.

Pearl onion.

Uh, could be pitted olive.

Be safe.

Bye, Bo.

Hey, don't you kids eat anything but condiments?

Die -hard condimentalist.

Are these the seedless grapes? They don't call them SGs for nothing.

Go on, you dick,

you gobble up a grape and Mr. Manky installed a sophisticated surveillance

system to protect against petty produce filthers like you.

It's all right, sir. Everything's under control.

All I did was eat a grape.

Yeah, well, your compulsive consumption could get me canned.

Probably a side effect of that strict condiment diet. Seek help, Dick.

Uh -oh. Here's Dirk, Mankey's majordomo. Let me handle this.

Hi. Hiya, Dirkie.

Mankey saw the, uh, incident.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to charge your friend for that grape he stole.

He's not my friend. I've never seen him before in my life.

You seemed pretty palsy -walsy with him when you were loading his bag. with

condiments, Mikey.

I'll pay for the grape. It's no big deal.

Take this grape, the check stand, too. Have it weighed, pay for it, return it

this bin. That clear?

This is a joke, right?

I mean, Mikey can't be this straight.

You say check stand two?

Oh, uh, Stephanie called.

Here? Oh, God, I hate wearing those lead shoes.

She called at the inn. Oh, don't scare me like that.

She said the baby showers were a bust and that you should hit Mr. Mankey for a

raise. Oh, yeah, like he'll give me one now that I'm associated with a great son

of... I was counting on those gifts. Now I have to buy them myself and I don't

have any money.

Stupid hose.

Hey, Mikey, why don't you sing?

Okay.

Whistle while you work.

No, no, no, no, not now. You see, I bring home an extra 50 bucks a night

show tunes in the gunpowder room of the Drum and Musket Family Restaurant out on

Route 14.

I had no idea you were a bag boy slash Broadway balladeer.

Well, it pays the bill.

Every little bit helps when you got eight kids to feed.

You know, uh...

I can carry a tune.

And your whistle, too. Hey, double threat.

And, uh... And I hum.

Did I say double threat?

Hey, what's going on? You're popping them back like mad, and there are no

lights, no sirens. It's an old man Mankey's regular morning pit stop. You

set your watch by it. Hey!

Weren't you going grocery shopping?

I went.

I wasn't allowed to buy anything.

Why not?

I eat a grape.

Oh, you went to Menke's.

Did he fine you?

No, but I'm barred from shopping for a year.

Well, you got off easy.

He didn't make you wear the lead shoes.

Oh, Irene and Terry, honey, these are the settlers. Oh, hi, nice to meet you.

Hi.

Oh, you seem a lot more chipper.

Well, why shouldn't we be?

We're going clam digging.

Oh, you're driving to the coast?

Why should we go all the way to the ocean when we can dig for clams right in

your garden?

Got all your gear together.

How do you think the clamming will be today, George?

The weather's a bit nippy, so they should really be biting.

Great, great.

Well, come on, Irene.

Let's go climbing.

I had to do something. They were having an awful vacation.

So I bought some frozen clams and buried them in the side yard.

Uh -oh.

I forgot to shove some fake pearls in them.

George, clams don't have pearls.

Joanna, gardens don't have clams.

Hi, George.

Strange.

There's the oddest twosome wearing dated beach duds digging up the veggie patch.

They're digging for garden clams.

In October?

They must be from out of town.

Uh, Perry, you got plans for the p .m.? Well, other than filling a few holes in

the garden, we're open. Why? I want you ringside when I make my all -singing,

all -whistling, all -humming debut in the gunpowder room at the Drummond

Family Restaurant on Route 14.

When did you become a singer?

When I was six.

A year or two later, I picked up whistling.

I couldn't hum until I was well into my teens. I was a late hummer.

A lot of the young hummers today are peaking way too soon.

Well, it was nice of Mr. Menke to let you out early so you could get ready.

Well, no more Menke business for me. I quit.

Grape? No.

How could you quit your job when you...

Stephanie, have a baby on the way. Well, why get bogged down in the boring, bow

-tied world of Bagboydom when I'm on the brink of local stardom?

Michael, you're hardly a professional.

Obviously, you never saw Captain Kooky's cartoon clubhouse during the 64 -65

season.

No, I was busy surfing.

Well, if you'd only taken five from Hanging Tan, you would have caught

Mikey as the captain's singing sidekick. That was 25 years ago.

Lil' Mikey.

Things change.

Voices change.

All right, maybe I've lost that lilting soprano that used to warm Captain

Kooky's cockles, but... I'm still that cute little towhead with a smile as big

as all outdoors.

All right, I'll give you that.

Don't you love farce?

My fault, I fear.

Losing my timing this late.

In my career.

Send in the clowns.

Quick. Send in the clowns.

Don't bother.

I never knew what that song meant till now.

It's about clowns, isn't it?

Right, George, and about always remembering to send them in.

Sorry it took so long.

But lucky he's the bartender with the skin thing on his hands. He says to me,

Chantal, come in the kitchen, I want to show you something.

So I go in there, and right in the middle of the floor is this dead thing.

So I said, Lucky, what is it, an animal?

So Lucky, who finds humor in any given situation, God bless him, says, It used

to be.

That Lucky.

If it weren't for that skin thing, I'd love to have his kids.

Chantal, Chantal, I know there's a four -drink minimum, but, you know, do you

have to serve them all at once?

Yeah. So, want me to run a tap?

No, no, I think these... these 12 drinks will... see us through the evening.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Gunpowder Room at the Drum and Musket Family

Restaurant here on Route 14 is proud and privileged to present tonight's

featured liquor, bourbon.

Three shots for a sawbuck.

Next act, Michael Harris.

Thanks so much for that generous applause.

I'd like to dedicate this first number to a certain handyman in the house

tonight named George.

I hope he means me.

Green acres is the place to be.

Farms living is the life for he.

Land spreading out so far and wide.

Oh, keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside.

Thank you.

You know, that song brings back warm memories for me, too.

This next tune goes out to a certain beautiful lady in the house tonight

Joanna.

Diamonds, daisies, snowflakes, that girl.

Chestnuts, rainbows, springtime, that girl.

That girl.

Thank you.

Jeff, what kind of act is this?

A very bad one.

I can just get serious for a moment.

There's a certain special someone in the house tonight I'd like to...

Salute. He's more than just a friend. He's... Well, there's really only one

to put this.

Dick Loudon, I love you.

Come on, Dick, get up and take a bow.

I don't... I don't... I don't want to.

Sure you do.

Hit that man with a spot.

Poignant moment, Dick. Shut up, Jerry.

Dicksters.

Dick.

Dick.

Dick. Dick.

Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick.

Dick.

What the hell am I doing?

I'm no singer. Heck, I'm no wizard whistling either.

What was I thinking?

Give up a gig at a great grocery to hum TV themes in a joint where there are

dead things in the kitchen?

Boy, what a loser.

A stupid loser.

Oh, gee, the hole in my shoe.

A stupid loser with a hole in his shoe.

You'll have to buy new shoes.

I can't afford new shoes.

Oh, no, baby's going to need new shoes, too.

And Steph, she loves shoes. She'll need new shoes after she gives birth and her

ankles unswell.

My family will go barefoot.

What about clothes?

We'll have to stop wearing them.

Oh, the taunting my kid is going to get. What does your daddy do for a living?

Nothing!

He's just a stupid loser with holes in his shoes and makes us walk around

My kid's gonna hate me.

Why didn't I just finish college, become a court stenographer?

You don't see court stenographers, kids, running around buck naked, do you?

I'm a bum. I'm a stupid bum.

Oh, perfect.

Now I'm wallowing in self -pity.

I'm a loser and a bum and a joke.

Why do I put myself through this?

Why do I put myself through this?

It's not the first time I've been down. I've been down before and bounced back.

Yeah.

And you gotta love a guy who bounces back again and again.

I know I do.

And so will my kid. Heck, he'll take after his old man. He'll love me whether

I'm a stupid bum or not.

And so will Steph, by golly, because she's the spouse at my side, and she

me, too. Oh, God, to be this loved!

Love is all around, no need to waste it. I can have it all, why don't I taste

it? I'm gonna make it after all.

I'm gonna...

part was darn catchy.

I think you'll find showmen on the face of the earth.

But that could be the beer talking.

Thanks, George.

Hey, Dick, did you notice what I didn't do up there?

You didn't throw your hat in the air after the end of that lesson?

I wasn't wearing a hat.

It's strange.

Suddenly my sanity started slipping, and I didn't need Sir Dick to save me. I

worked it through myself.

Is this what it feels like to be a grown -up, Dick, huh? Is it? Huh? Is it?

Darn tootin'. Michael, are you going to do a late show?

I'd like to sit through it again. I got a little lost during the part about the

stenographer's naked kids.

I'm packing in my pipes, and I'm asking Menke for my job back.

I don't think my kind of music really connected with this crowd.

Anybody need to visit the restroom as much as I do?

I'll show you where it is.

But don't pass the plate, folks.

Don't pass the cup.

I figure whenever I'm down and out, the only way is up.

And I will be up like a rosebud.

High on that vine.

Don't thumb your nosebud.

Just take a little tip from my end.

I may be a little bit short of the elbow room.

But let me get me some And look out world

I say Look out world

Here I

Ching, ching, chong, ching, ching, chong

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.