Original subtitles

Morning, Dick.

Joanna.

Oh, hi, George. Where have you been?

Why, did you drive past the Johnson place and see someone resembling me

the roof?

No.

Good. Because it wasn't me.

I'd never take an outside job on your time.

Good, because I'd probably have to chop your hands off if you did. You would.

We've done it before.

In that case, I'm sure it wasn't me.

I'm Larry, this is my brother Daryl, and this is my other brother Daryl.

Hi, fellas.

Look, Daryl, roof and tar.

I told you that was George behind the rubber nose and glasses.

What's going on, fellas?

Well, we're trying to lift Daryl's spirits.

We used to take him to the petting zoo, but we've been banned since Daryl got

caught shaving his name on a llama.

during their two -week llama -rama?

Why is Daryl so depressed?

Well, whereas Daryl and I enjoy the simple pleasures of life, like folk

and a ferret tub, Daryl here'd rather slop his mind with something less

strenuous. In short, a heart -popping, down -and -dirty game of chess.

You know, Dick was on his high school chess team.

Well...

I think I hear the sound of a gauntlet being heaved in your direction.

Guys, I haven't played chess since we snared the state championship, so I, you

know, it might be a little rusty.

Oh, go on, honey, it'll be fun.

And if he happens to slaughter you, so what?

Not like he's going to tell anyone.

Okay, okay, Daryl, you're on.

I should warn you, I was awarded the bronze rook three years running.

Choose for first move? On the street, it's whoever lets the match burn closest

to his fingers without screaming.

Why don't I just go first?

Wow! Dick, you are good.

George, that is the most common opening move in chess.

And you can spout off statistics, too.

Come on, Daryl. Aren't you going to stay and watch the game? And leave those

ferrets untugged?

Priorities, George.

Oh, hello.

Welcome to the Snackers.

Is that little Georgie all grown up?

Well, we haven't called him little Georgie since his 50th birthday.

It is Georgie. Oh, I'm so happy to see you.

Oh, me too. Who are you?

You don't remember your Aunt Beth?

Aunt Beth?

It's really you?

Boy, no offense, but...

five years ago, you looked much younger.

So did you, Georgie. Last time I saw you, you were 13.

Oh, your body still makes that cracking noise when I hug you.

So does yours.

Say, I'd like you to meet my friends. That's Dick, that's Daryl, and that's

Joanna. Hi, nice to meet you.

George, I thought you didn't have any relatives. Well, she's not really my

She's a close friend of the family.

I'll never forget those Saturdays in Rutland. And Beth had an old house on

lake. That was during WWII.

That's short for World War II.

Thanks for putting in the terms I could understand, George.

That was such a long time ago. Before I moved down to Tampa, I'm up here for a

funeral. Don't they have any in Tampa?

Oh, Georgie, I haven't changed a bit.

Old Herb Sweeney finally passed away.

He was 103.

Well, I guess old age catches up with all of us sooner or later.

Oh, it wasn't that. He died on the job at the market.

He was lifting a sack of potatoes above his head, showing off shamelessly to

some giggling coeds.

Fat ripped open.

Poor fool never knew what hit him.

Another freak potato accident.

George, maybe your Aunt Beth would like to stay with us while she's here.

Could she? Could she? Could you?

I would want to impose.

Oh, we'd love to have you.

George, go get her luggage and I'll show her to room three. Well, if you're

sure. This will be just like old times, except... We're not in Rutland. And

we're both 45 years older.

And there's no old house on the lake.

And we're not still fighting the Nazis.

But except for that, the illusion's complete, George.

Got you on the ropes, huh?

Ten and a half hours.

Didn't you notice him when you were doing your cleaning?

Dick, this is a big room.

You can't expect me to notice every little odd and end.

What's he doing?

He's playing chess with me.

Oh.

What does the winner get?

The satisfaction about winning his opponent.

No, I mean...

What do you win?

Cash? Prizes? Fabulous trip?

You don't win anything.

Oh, this chess thing will be popular for a long time.

Lovely dinner, Joanna.

If you think her fettuccine is good, she makes this great dish with macaroni and

cheese. Now, what's that called again, Joanna?

Macaroni and cheese.

You know what would taste good right now?

One of your homemade cherry tarts. You remember the time you snuck a whole

out of my kitchen?

How'd you know that was me?

Oh, Georgie, takes more than a rubber nose and glasses to fool your aunt.

Old habits die hard.

Too bad life can't be as pleasant as it was during World War II.

That's almost a shame it had to end.

Yeah. I remember Mom worked in a munitions plant.

Dad used to call her Swing Shift Sally.

I thought your mother's name was Maureen.

It was, but there was already a Swing Shift Maureen.

Did your dad fight in the war?

No, he tried to enlist, but they wouldn't take him because of that bum

his.

That's what kept me out of Korea.

Those days, you couldn't tear Georgie away from the radio.

As I recall, your favorite was the Goldbergs. That's because I had a crush

Gertrude Berg.

Until my dad showed me a picture of her.

Georgie, is that a hole in your sock?

Yeah.

Didn't I just darn that for you 45 years ago?

Well, it ripped again when disco got big.

We're going to march right up to your room and darn it again.

Then we're going through your whole sock floor. Oh, boy.

I'm not going to have you walking around like some ragamuffin.

Gee, when was the last time you heard the word ragamuffin?

Just about the last time I heard the word disco.

Georgie, all your socks are worn out in the same place.

I know, that's where I keep my lucky penny.

Doesn't it hurt to walk around on a penny all day?

After years of walking around on my lucky chunk of shrapnel, this is a

Oh, look, here's Dad's old chin strap.

And there's still plenty of life left in it.

Oh, the laughter and cruel jokes he had to endure when he wore this.

But I couldn't help myself.

Here's a picture of me by the old Studebaker.

Remember the night Dad let me camp out in the back seat in front of your house?

You always were quite the little soldier.

Gee, I can't find one picture with you in it.

I remember that Dad took a whole bunch.

I have them all down in Tampa.

After the war, he thought I should keep them.

Why? You'd think he'd want to remember all the good times we had.

Well, there are some good times that are best left unremembered. What are you

talking about?

I really thought you would have figured this out years ago.

Georgie, I was your father's mistress.

Didn't Daryl want any breakfast?

He wouldn't touch it. He's just sitting there staring at that stupid chessboard.

Are we sure he's alive?

We think so, but to be positive, you could put a mirror under his nose.

Ew.

Forget it.

What if he breathed on it or something?

Do chess games normally take this long?

He still hasn't made his first move.

Maybe I should go in and concede right now.

Honey!

No, you can't quit. I mean, you were the captain of your high school chess team.

I wasn't... I wasn't the official captain.

No?

I was the... I was the recording secretary.

I counted all the pieces after the game to make sure no one had swiped any.

That's it? Well, they don't count themselves, you know.

Morning, all.

Hope I'm not crowding loud.

Hi, Michael. How have you been?

Say hello to the town's newest bag person.

You've been kicked out of your condo? No, I'm working the checkout line at

Menke's Grocery.

There was an opening after the last guy bought it trying to hoist a sack of

spuds.

Could you part with a tart?

Mmm, yummy -licious.

Hi, George.

Where's Aunt Bess?

You mean Aunt Hotsy -Totsy?

Is that the same aunt we met yesterday?

George, how could you say such a thing?

I see she pulled the wool over your eyes, too, with that innocent, elderly

George, I don't mind saying I'm utterly confused.

Give us the 411.

Sorry, Michael. This story is not for the ears of a decent woman.

Maybe I'll go see if Daryl's breathing.

You want to tell us about it, George?

Hold on to your hats.

Last night I found out Aunt Bess was my father's whoopee girl.

Whoopee girl? No wonder she's so good at making tarts.

And all this time you never knew she was your padre's compadre?

It's so obvious, and I never, ever picked up on it.

Gee, Dad, how come Mom hasn't been coming on her sleepover to Aunt Beth's?

What did I just tell you?

Oh, right.

No girls allowed.

But isn't Aunt Beth a girl?

She's a woman, Georgie.

All woman.

I got my canteen. Where's yours?

Right here.

Why are you packing those stockings?

These are special prescription stockings for Aunt Beth.

Doctor's orders.

Ooh, they're soft.

They're silk.

Well, I hope they work better than the prescription nightie you bought her last

week.

We can only hope.

How'd my little major like to camp out in the car tonight? You could be on, uh,

enemy watch.

Oh, boy.

And I could wear these.

That way if old Hirohito comes looking for Georgie ugly, he won't recognize me.

Take them off, son.

Hirohito might be the enemy, but he's not stupid.

Here, soldier.

Why don't you add these to your K -rations?

Hot dog. A Hershey bar?

You're okay, Dad.

Eat it one letter at a time, son.

It's got to last you all night.

How do I smell?

Hubba hubba, woo woo woo, Dad.

Come on, son.

Let's hit the beach.

Bet your nickel I'll have more fun than you.

Don't be too quick to throw your money away.

How about, how about, woo, woo, woo?

He smelled like a real tad, Dick.

Well, you're lucky.

At least your old man didn't bring his girlfriends home and parade them around

in front of his wife and children.

Gee, Michael, your father did that?

No, but wouldn't it be horrible?

And you can't change the past. You're just going to have to come to terms with

it. Did your father ever do this? To my mother? Are you nuts?

Morning, George.

Morning, Dick.

Hi. Hi, Aunt Bess. This is our friend Michael Harris.

Hi, Aunt Bess.

to meet you, Michael.

Ah, you can save your clever come -on lines. He's not the kind of guy you'd

for. He's a bachelor.

Your dad once told me this is where you go to think and measure yourself.

What an odd thing to say during the throes of passion.

I just wanted to let you know I'm all packed up and ready to go. Good.

George.

This has been an emotional couple of days, what with you finding out about

father and me and seeing old Herb Sweeney laid out in his bag boy

uniform.

Why did you have to tell me about you and Dad?

I'm sorry.

I really thought you knew.

I still can't believe it. You and Dad carrying...

I know, and I had to bear the shame of it all these years. If there's one

thing in my life I regret, it's those seven sordid minutes with your dad.

Seven minutes, that's it?

It didn't go on for years?

Heavens, no.

But it was enough to brand me a mistress for life.

To this day. I still don't know what possessed him to stay over that Saturday

night.

Oh, my God.

I've been remembering it all wrong.

Oh, please, Dad. Can't we stay over at Aunt Beth's just this once?

I don't think that's such a good idea, son.

I should be here to fix breakfast for your mom when she gets home from work.

Oh, but Dad...

If we slept over, we could get up bright and early, just when the fish are

biting. Mom would like it if we brought home some trout.

Well, your mom does love her trout and eggs.

Okay, maybe just this once. Hot dog.

I'll ask Aunt Bess if it's all right for you to sleep in the house with her. I

suppose I can sleep in the car.

Oh, jeepers, Dad, not fair.

How come you get to have all the fun?

Can't I sleep in the car and you sleep with Aunt Bess?

No, I don't think that's such a good idea. Don't worry, Dad.

I'll be safe. I'll lock all the doors. And in case Hirohito comes looking for

George Utley, I'll put these on so he won't recognize me.

Take him off, son.

Hirohito may be the enemy, but he's not stupid.

It was all my fault.

I practically threw him in your bed.

Don't go punishing yourself, George. I've been doing it 45 years, and it's

worth it.

Maybe it's time we put all this behind us.

Yeah.

We all make mistakes.

Yesterday, I did an outside roofing job for the Johnsons on the sly.

I pulled the wool right over Dick's eyes.

I'm sure you did.

Come on upstairs and have some cherry tarts with me. Hot dogs, cherry tarts.

You're okay, Aunt Bess.

You're okay, too, George.

Seven minutes.

And that included drink.

Don't go away.

Newhart will be right back.

What are you doing up so early?

haven't you told me about this fascinating game?

Well, I assumed you wouldn't be interested, you know, because you have

you know, your brain.

Dick, how little you know me.

I love to think.

Really?

I read somewhere it stimulates the hair follicles.

I mean...

You don't get this without putting in a little hard work.

Well, you'll go bald watching this game.

He hasn't moved a muscle in two and a half days.

Daryl, make your damn move.

Yes, it's your move.

You've been sitting here for two and a half days thinking it was my move?

You see the pawn? That was my move.