Original subtitles

Whoa!

This lobby is laden with loudness.

Hi, Michael.

Michael, I knew I smelled a dozen long -stemmed roses.

What did you call those things again?

Roses?

Why don't I give you flowers?

I wouldn't call a packet of burpee seeds romantic.

Boy, there is no pleasing.

Anyway, this is my way of saying that due to a pile of paperwork, I have to

press the pause button on our lunch date.

Michael, you're a producer. Lunch is what you do.

Try telling it to that tyrant, Nancy. She's turning the station into a

sweatshop.

I thought the new station owner was a man.

He is. She's the gopher.

You're afraid of the office health?

Too many crickets, Steph.

She's bossy and she's whiny. She complains about every little thing.

Thank goodness I have you to come home to.

Why don't you plop these posies in Perrier while I jump on the glad wagon

Dick?

And at the end, fill the vase, change water often.

Oh, Joanna, you're so lucky you never get flowers.

I've been blessed to.

Dick, I don't know how to handle this gopher from hell.

He's already trying to sabotage Vermont today by quibbling over next week's

guest.

You mean...

J .D. Salinger?

Sure. I mean, that's who you'd be stuck with if hipper heads hadn't prevailed.

Who did I get, Michael? The amazing Earl.

Don't tell me. A fortune teller?

For sure, Joanna. Anyone can predict the future. The amazing Earl predicts the

past with 90 % accuracy.

There's got to be a trick.

He was just a normal guy. Last year, a brick fell on his head, and he predicted

the Beatles would break up.

Are you talking about the amazing Earl?

Yesterday at the town square, he predicted we'd have a man on the moon by

Hi, I'm Larry. This is my brother Daryl, and this is my other brother Daryl. Can

O 'History?

We're collecting artifacts for our time capsule.

Daryl here feels that George, as a member of the town's oldest... and

extinct families should be the first to contribute.

It's kind of hard to turn down an offer like that, George.

How about my hammer? My dad gave it to me, and his dad got it at Sears.

Sears?

Here, Larry.

See if those future folk can keep up with the day in my life.

Wow. Power breakfast, brunch, late lunch, high tea, cocktails, dinner.

Well, no need for a Snickers to tide you over.

Harris, I'm still waiting for those requisition forms.

Nancy, let up.

I realize this is your first job in television, so let's review the chain of

command.

You're a gopher, which puts you right about here.

And I'm a... Producer, which puts me right about here.

And it would take you roughly a bazillion promotions just to look me in

mouth.

In the time it took you to say all that, you could have done those requisitions.

Well, Paul and Bud, on another coffee break, boys?

What if we are?

I sure hope no one squeals to the new station owner.

I'm telling you, Mike, if her up to me, she'd have a size 12 boot mark on her

behind.

You know, Mike, we could get rid of her.

I mean, just between you, me, the walls, and Bud, who runs this station?

Well, Natch, that would be yours, truly.

Well, with us behind you, we could send that pushy pest packing and have her

pound in the pavement by the PM.

Perfectly put, Paul, but practical.

She's not PIB material, Mike.

I wouldn't be surprised if she sleeps around.

The harlot!

Strike while the iron is hot.

Oh, Sue, would you be so kind as to ask Mr. Gorski to step into Mr. Harris'

office? Thank you.

Now we all together on this, bud?

I hear she sleeps around.

Mike? Are you sure we shouldn't let this notion do one more lap around our

noggins?

Pretty noble, considering how she ragged on your last haircut.

She criticized my quaff?

What is it, Michael? Mr. Gorski, we have a problem.

I'm afraid that gopher's getting a little too big for her Nancy pants.

Well, go on.

Well, she's disruptive. She's bossy. And as far as her taste in hairstyles,

Michael says she sleeps around.

Well,

I'm afraid all my instincts cry, nix this nudnik.

Well, I certainly admire your courage and conviction to take a stand like this

against my daughter, who is my single purpose in living.

A beautiful girl.

Now,

you've spoken your heart, and I've listened.

Now get the hell out of here.

Good job, Mikey.

We're here to give you a time capsule update with a hearty thank you for the

generous donation of your penny loafers.

Penny loafers?

You gave them my lucky shoes?

Sonny, they were old and worn.

Great. Now what am I supposed to wear with my lucky socks?

Well, I made a sacrifice, too. I gave them my lavender scarf.

The one I gave you for your birthday?

Oops.

I'll go upstairs and ram a spike. through my tongue.

You know, while Daryl was digging, he stumbled across quite a find, which

reminds me, would you care to join us tonight in a rousing game of Get the

Carcass? It's more fun with teams.

You don't have to tell me.

Miss Stephanie, may I say that your artifact was the most popular, at least

Daryl? Oh, Larry, of course you may.

What did you donate?

An authentic, one -of -a -kind Stephanie Vanderkillen lip print on tissue paper.

Come on, Daryl. Let's go grease up for Guess the Carcass.

Crank out the congrats.

Nancy and I are no longer nose -to -nose on the same grindstone.

I'm surprised. I thought she'd last.

Actually, Dick, she did.

The axe fell right about here.

Crawl back, Michael.

Crawl like you've never crawled before.

No can do, Steph. I bad -yacked the boss's youngling.

Nancy is Gorski's daughter?

Curse those executive loins of his.

Michael, you're upsetting the delicate balance between a high -income job and a

showpiece girlfriend.

Cupcake, I was at that dead -end job too long.

Stagnation may be all right for someone like Dick, but... I need more upwardly

in my mobile.

I feel a worry wrinkle coming on.

Unknit that brow, Steph. This is just the jump start I need. In fact, tonight

celebrate my availability.

How about it, Dick? Open invite.

Oh, I'm afraid I've got to grease up for a guest at the carcass.

Well, Mr.

X, anyone who can type 20 words a minute will always have a

job in this town.

Now, report to reader in job placement for your assignment.

See you there.

Michael Harris?

In the skin.

I'm Dottie Stansbury. Now, what sort of job are you looking for?

Well, I'm not picky.

What do you have in the Mucho Mula range with perks plenty?

No, I mean, what field are you in? What skills do you have?

I look incredible in earth tongue.

I can choose with the best, and I'm the king of the cow town. Oh, you must be in

television.

Bingus. Rita!

Yes, Daddy?

Mr. Harris is in television.

Do we have anything for him? Something preferably in the Mucha Mula range with

perks aplenty.

What a lucky day.

WPIV needs a producer.

Oh, fiddlesticks, I just remembered. I sent that nice Mr. X over there. Oh, I'm

sorry.

opening for a waiter.

Sorry, not my table.

They need a checker at Mankey's Grocery. Excuse me, I don't see any blue in this

collar.

Did you say you wanted something in the Mucho Mula range?

Welcome to my neighborhood.

Where all your meals would be paid for, even those you eat at home?

Company car?

Of course. And a house.

Jinkies.

And you'd have no responsibilities whatsoever.

Sounds too good to be true.

And why do you think that is?

Because a lot of jobs don't come with houses?

No, Mr. Harris, because I was making it up. There is no job. No job?

This employment agency only services the real world. Now, as far as I can see,

you have no skills and you have only ridiculous expectations.

I'm afraid in this town that makes you virtually unemployable.

Hi, everybody.

Something wrong, George?

Ah, my hammer.

It's six feet under, gone forever.

George, you have other hammers.

Yeah, they're not the same as old blue.

Michael? Whoa, Dick.

Page out of Ripley's.

What are you doing here?

Joanna buried my penny loafers.

What are you doing here? Why the third degree, Dick?

I just thought it was kind of odd, you know, seeing you at a discount shoe

store. Last time I checked, browsing for Buster Browns was still legal.

All right, Harris.

Break is over.

Back to work.

Michael, you work here?

Promise you'll never tell another human being you saw me here? Sure.

Blood, blood buddy promise?

Do you work here? No, he does.

A little louder, Dick.

There's someone across the street who didn't hear you.

Good afternoon, madam.

May I show you something from our collection of fine vinyl?

Steph's going to think I'm a failure.

Michael, there's nothing wrong with working in a shoe store.

What are you, the manager?

My official title is Junior Apprentice Shoe Stocker.

You the new apprentice?

No, that would be him.

So you're the guy that got my old job.

Look, mister, if you need anyone to show you the ropes, call on me. The name's

Timmy.

Oh, it's okay, mister.

I cried, too, my first day.

Sit down, Dick. Pretend you're buying shoes.

I am buying shoes.

Perfect.

Four days ago, I was Michael Harris.

TV Wonder Kid.

Now, look at me.

I'm touching people's feet.

Wow, narrow dogs, Dick.

Maybe, uh, maybe you'll learn something about yourself.

Really, Dick, can't we crank the dimmer switch on that bright side?

I want to be Michael Harris again.

You didn't stop being Michael Harris just because you lost your job.

Wake up, Dick. I push pumps.

Michael, you may have slipped a few rungs on that ladder of success, but

still on that ladder.

The important thing is to give it all you've got and take some pride in what

do. I don't know, Dick. Timmy left some pretty big shoes to fill.

Timmy may be good, but you could be better. I mean, try selling shoes the

Michael Harris way.

Right.

The Michael Harris?

Here,

Dick.

Why don't you slip these on for size?

Michael, they're a little tight. Please, please, Dick. I need to sail back.

Maybe after a little breaking in, they'll be all right.

Well, you'll be sure to want to buy some of these shoe stretchers. Michael, I

really... Please, please, Dick.

Thank you. I love this man so much.

He'll be with you in a minute.

Oh, thank you, George.

You're very good in an emergency.

I never built an eye shadow rack before.

Did I ever tell you about the time old Blue and I... Yes, George.

Hi. Ready to gaze in wonder at the remnants of simpler times?

Larry, it's only been a week.

Time capsule is supposed to be buried for a hundred years.

We had to open it early.

Daryl put in a library book.

Larry, isn't this silly? Things can hardly change in a week.

Sure they can.

For starters, Michael isn't a TV producer anymore.

And our friend, that nice Mr.

X, is.

In comparison...

Time has been much kinder to your lip print, Miss Stephanie.

Raspberries in the snow. I can't believe I ever wore that shame.

Maybe not in these modern times, but a more archaic Miss Stephanie did.

And here we have some kind of primitive pounding device.

Oh, boy!

Must feel good to see old blue again, huh, George?

Really, Dick, now that I have it back, it sounds kind of dumb to call a hammer

old blue.

Good. Ancient footwear.

Evidently worn by some early and narrow -footed townsperson.

Thank God. With these new shoes, I was starting to walk like Jerry Lewis.

And my scarf?

I'm afraid I packed it too close to Daryl's donation.

A Domino's pizza.

Here, you keep it.

In case you meet a nice girl or something.

Uh -oh. It appears that someone has violated the sanctity of the time

for a quick snack.

Well, Daryl, just for that, there'll be no going to the fluff and fold for those

dry rides.

What's wrong, Stephanie?

Oh, I was just remembering the good old days when Michael had a job.

I miss bragging about him.

You know, he's still... still Michael.

Whether he's a producer or... something lower.

Hello, Steph.

Michael, why are you talking so plain?

What's wrong?

Well, I'm a wee bit wary about telling you this, Steph.

Oh, you can tell me anything.

You know, that, no, whatever it is. Can it really be that bad?

I'm so lucky to have someone in my life so understanding. Get to the point. All

right.

Tell her, Dick.

Uh, what?

It was your idea.

What was your idea?

To tell Stephanie that Michael is working in a...

Yeah, in a shoe store.

Michael!

I guess this is goodbye, Steph.

Goodbye, Michael!

Wait.

Wait a minute. This is crazy.

You can't break up with someone just because they're working in a discount

store. Disco!

slapping a condemn sign on my heart, I'll be going.

I'll miss you, Michael. I'll miss you too, Seth. Wait, wait.

That's it?

I mean, you give up so easily?

Oh, come on, Dick. I could never respect someone who dates a stock boy.

But, I mean, you've been going together for five years. You can't give up that

easily. What difference does it make how long we've been linked? I'm a shoe man.

Wait, don't go.

said something that makes sense.

Law of averages.

And it had something to do with us?

Yes.

Bear with me for a minute.

Doesn't this all remind you of that sappy Christmas movie you like so much?

Silent Night, Deadly Night?

No, that other one where all those horrible things happen to that poor

It's A Wonderful Life.

and lovely woman stood right by his side.

And in the end, all these people came over and gave him big piles of cash.

Yeah, I love that ending.

Stephanie, are you saying you'd be willing to consider being a brave and

cupcake by my side?

I think I could play that.

You could be my Jimmy Stewart and I'll be your Michelle Pfeiffer.

That Donna Reed?

Not my version.

Then we still have a chance?

Lean on me, Michael.

Somehow I'll find the strength to get us through these very troubled and

hopefully temporary times.

Jeepers, creepers, cuppers, it is a wonderful life.

What is it they say whenever two dumbbells ring, an angel gets his

wings?

Hi, this is George Jefferson.

Wheezy, get ready, honey. Don't you wheezy honey me. We're coming up next on

Nick at Night.

Meow.