Original subtitles

Uh, Stephanie, you might want to dust under that bowl.

I already did.

I'll just, I'll just check.

Dick, if you lift that bowl, it means you don't trust me and things will never

be the same between us again.

I'll take that chance.

Neat freak.

I had the most exciting lunch with Roz.

Oh, really? What'd you have?

Well, chicken salad.

Wow. I wonder you're excited.

Is there a centerpiece on your table?

I believe so. Did you lift it to check for dust?

Who would do that?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe somebody with a dust fixation?

Anyway, Roz's whole life is changing, and she said mine can, too.

In all these years, I've underestimated the power of chicken salad.

Will you listen to me? I finally found my true calling.

It combines personal growth and fulfillment with service to the

I'm going to sell real estate.

That would have been my guess.

Bob says once I take my exam and get my license, I can join her at Blue Horizon

Realty.

Dick, do you realize in two weeks you could wake up next to a real estate

Some men only dream of that.

I hope they don't make you wear one of those yucky blazers.

Somehow I expected a little more enthusiasm.

Well, it's just that you're always gung -ho about some new project and then you

never stick to it.

I mean, first you wanted to be a travel agent, then an aerobics instructor.

Neither of those quite fulfilled me.

What about that dream to master the harpsichord?

That was too hard.

The minute something gets difficult, you bail out. You're like a career looky

-loo.

Well, maybe if you gave me some encouragement once in a while.

I give you encouragement.

Didn't I go to that harpsichord recital?

I mean, I was just as proud as all the other moms and dads.

Dick, I really think I can sell real estate.

Well, if you're serious, I'm behind you.

Do you mean that, honey? You bet.

In that case, I'll need $400 for the court.

Then so. Your heart's a court.

Morning, Dick.

George?

What are you reading?

My will. Oh, my gosh, Dick, no!

George, I'm not dying yet.

Oh, thank goodness.

So, what's with the will?

I just want to be prepared, you know, in case something does happen. God forbid.

You know, George, we don't have any ears, so Joanna and I have decided to

the end to you.

I'm speechless. I never knew you thought of me as a son.

I don't, George. We're pretty much the same age.

You are?

The years have certainly taken their toll on you.

Oh, blueberry pancakes and sausage.

I didn't order that. I'm allergic to blueberries.

Okay, then they're raisins.

Fine.

Most allergies are on the mind, you know.

Gee, the next time I see that will, I'll own the inn and you'll be God forbid.

Well, let's hope that's a long time from now, George.

Let's not rush things, dear.

Dick, are you sick?

I feel fine, Stephanie.

No, I mean about leaving me in to George.

What about me?

Did I do something wrong?

No, Stephanie, I just assumed that your parents would be providing for you.

Well, I'm sorry, but I have to contest this will.

Well, you can't contest the will until after we're gone.

Well, when do you think you might be leaving me?

What would be convenient for you?

Stephanie, why would you want to Stratford? You've never seemed

happy in your work.

Excuse me, miss. My pancakes.

Oh, here.

Just eat around the blue parts.

I love my work.

I just stopped by for my daily quote of kiss.

Problemas in Paradiso covers?

I'm sorry, Michael. It's just... Hard to be giving when so much is being taken

from me. What's being taken from you? Tell me.

Dick and Joanne have cut me out of their will.

Dick, have you no shred of decency?

The deputy was never in our will. It just keeps getting more heinous.

They're leaving the inn to George.

Obviously, they like him more than me.

And after all the sacrifices I've made for them.

Oh, I knew this would happen.

Miss, do you have any histamines?

You see...

Follow me.

Hypochondria.

You make her your bestant of burden, and then you bequeath her zip?

Michael, Stephanie is hardly overworked here.

And I assume that her parents would be bequeathing her millions.

Billions, Dick.

For my last birthday, Pop Vanderkalen granted me a gander at the will. It was

stunning.

Oh, by the way, thanks again for your card.

You're welcome.

Dick, I have the most exciting news.

You had chicken salad again?

Well, yes, but I passed the test.

I got my real estate license.

Thumbs up, JoJo.

Well, congratulations.

I mean, I knew you could do it. Really?

Sure, and I'm proud of you. As a matter of fact, I'm more than proud of you. I'm

darn proud.

I'm going to take this and frame it and hang it in my study.

Your study?

Wow, you are darn proud.

Joanna, I hate to niggle, but are you sure you've got the grit to make it in

real estate biz?

I can be gritty.

I can be darn gritty.

Those people are sharks.

On the very day my grandfather's ashes were scattered over the ocean, my sweet

grandmother was hounded into selling her house.

That's awful.

I know. I should have waited a day.

But from then on, I knew I wasn't cut out to be a real estate agent.

Well, I don't see the job that way at all.

I think it's more about finding what a client's tastes are, whether it's

Victorian, Tudor, split level, and then matching them up with their dream house.

Well, what if their taste whispers Tudor, but their wallet wails roach

shack by the highway?

Well, then I'll just wait until something fumigated comes along.

Yeah, before you can say escrow change -o, some vulture comes along and sells

that shack. Only now it's a cozy cottage.

The highway spells easy access and the roaches become rustic charm.

Oh, come on, Michael. There's still room for a real estate broker with honesty

and integrity.

There's plenty of room. You'll be the only one.

Sid?

Hi, Joanna.

Honey, you know that lovely couple we met in group therapy?

Tommy Lee and Tish Holliday?

You mean the lovely couple who smashed Dr. Kaiser's windshield in with a tire

iron because she didn't validate?

They apologized.

Anyway, they want me to sell their house.

I thought they lived in a trailer.

They do, but they want to move up.

Tish won a nice bundle at a cockfight.

I guess she knew when to walk away.

Now they can afford to buy a real house, and they want me to find it for them.

I wonder where I should start looking.

How about Tijuana?

Dick, it's taken me two weeks, but I finally figured it out.

Figured what out?

Why you're leaving the inn to George, your pet handyman, instead of to your

devoted, hard -working charwoman who's slaved for years for meager wages

and a few scraps from your dinner table.

Well, don't worry about Joanna. She'll be fine.

No, Dick, I'm talking about myself.

How unusual.

Anyway, I realized that I must have done something horrendous to you in the

past. Stephanie, I told you, you've done nothing.

I know better, Dick.

It's all right here in my diary.

Here, read it. June 2nd, 1986.

I got a postcard from my best friend Libby.

She's cruising the Mediterranean with a prince named Giorgio, and they're

talking marriage. I hope she dies.

What does this have to do with my not leaving you the inn?

Dick, that was that day that I didn't give 100 % to my work and walked around

pouting.

I thought that was yesterday.

Stephanie, I have no recollection of that day at all.

You don't remember?

Well, then I must have done something even worse.

Well, I'm going to find out what it is and make restitution. I swear it.

June 3rd.

Saw Dick in his underwear.

Hi.

Hi, honey. Did you close the deal on the trailer?

Just this afternoon.

New owners hitched it up and drove it away.

Great. I have to hand it to you. You're handling this really well.

Well... So, uh, how are the holidays enjoying their new home?

Well, they're not really enjoying it yet.

See, I didn't quite make the sale of the trailer contingent on my finding them a

new house.

What are you saying? They have no place to stay?

Oh, yeah.

They do.

Well, shoot off my pinky and call me Betty.

This place is a damn palace.

Well, don't you stand there, Tish. Go out and haul in that steamer trunk.

And where do you plan on living, Joanna?

No, but if I did, it wouldn't be with Judy Jetson.

Tommy Lee, I don't appreciate Lewis on my

sofa.

You want him off? Throw some Cheetos on the floor. He'll die for them.

He's not moving.

He's seen Tish fall for it too many times.

Psst, Dick.

I'm not one to complain, but Joanna's friends are ruining your hour in.

Are those Cheetos on the floor?

Pigs, sir. They're pigs.

Dick, I finally figured it out.

It was that time I told you I mailed your manuscript to your publisher, but

instead I lost it, and so I sent you that phony rejection letter.

You did what?

Oh, you didn't know?

I thought for sure that was it.

Oh, you're a sweet one.

You make me think things.

Ew!

It's okay. Maybe he meant me.

Tommy Lee, maybe you and your family should

spend more time in your room. It's nice up there and completely out

of sight.

What's the point of spending time in the bedroom?

Tish is already preggos.

Well, it's hard to argue with that logic.

Stratford Inn.

Yeah, just a minute.

It's for you at your foreman.

I'm in the middle of my story. Say I'm sick.

You're not sick.

Oh, yeah?

Walk a mile in my brain, Loudon.

He's, uh... He's sick.

In the head.

He's got a headache.

Why would I... to lie to you about something like that.

My foreman's calling you a liar. Hang up on that fat goon. I'm walking.

No, no, you can't quit.

Look, you don't have to use language like that.

I am not the one... Well, you sure talk tough.

She hung up on me.

Tish, we've looked at nine houses.

Didn't any of them appeal to you?

We made a lot of...

Nice, Joe.

I mean, call me a fertile myrtle, but I think the good Lord's blessed me and

Tommy Lee with a doubleheader.

Well, congratulations.

Twins. That would be nice, too.

Tommy Lee, what are you doing here?

You said you couldn't come house hunting because you was working.

Uh, the company went under, uh, right after you left.

Lying old rummy.

How are we going to afford a house with you out of a job?

Darling, we can struggle by until the next cockfight comes along.

Sure, that may be fine for some people, but we just can't go on living from

cockfight to cockfight.

I need stability.

I need a steady paycheck.

Maybe I'm old -fashioned, but I don't feel right about you climbing up them

poles in that condition.

What have I gotten myself into?

Maybe I'm just not cut out to be a real estate broker.

Joanna, I'm only going to say this once. You can be anything you want to be. If

you want to be my wife, get them out of here.

Still haven't put a roof over the riffraff?

Oh, Michael, I'm in way over my head.

I'm turning out to be the worst real estate agent in the history of land.

I can't sell a thing.

Hey, banish those blues, Joe.

Let old Michael Harris help you hoist your hopes. There's no use looking

the real estate section. We've already seen every house listed.

Right idea, wrong section.

Hello, Mrs. Kimmel?

Yes, hi, I'm calling from Blue Horizon Realty. We'd like to express our deep,

deep sorrow over the loss of your beloved.

I will not take advantage of this poor woman.

Damn it, Tish, you didn't have to go and throw my damn handgun through the damn

picture tube.

You must be so lonely rattling around in that big old house.

You will take good care of my old house, won't you?

You bet. I got big decorating plans right here.

And what would them be, Tommy Lee? Another beer can room divider?

Just put one more straw on my back, Tish.

Looks like all the papers are in order.

This calls for a celebration.

I'd like to take everyone to dinner at the Drum and Musket. I hate the Drum and

Musket.

That's where I first met my demons.

How about Burger King?

Burger King's good. Good.

meet you there, Joe.

I'd like to stop by the house and measure the wind in the back bedroom.

Oh, curtains would look lovely there. Oh, not curtains.

Bars.

We'll be keeping our boy Harold in that room.

Every now and again, when he needs a place to lay low.

So, how'd it go?

All done.

You know, through all of this, I have to admit, I had my doubts. But you saw

through?

I did make some pretty big mistakes.

And I'll probably be making more.

Well, not as big as this last one.

Oh, I don't know.

Say... Say it won't be as big as this last one.

Well, Tommy Lee and Tish couldn't... actually get a loan without a cosigner.

didn't?

How could you cosign their loan? You don't own anything.

Except half of the Stratford.

There's nothing to worry about, really. See, there's this big cockfight coming

up, and Tish has this system.

No jury in the world would convict me.

I've come to a decision.

About what, George?

When you finally meet your maker, God forbid, I don't want you leaving me the

inn. Why not, George? I thought you liked the security of owning something.

I do. It's the responsibility that's eating me alive.

The Stratford is like a ship, and some people are meant to be captains like

Dick, and some are meant to be swabbies.

If that's the way you really feel about it, George, we won't leave you the inn.

Oh, thanks, Dick. You made me a very happy swabby.

Oh, Stephanie, we've decided to leave you the inn after all.

Really?

What about George?

He passed out.

Oh.

So basically, I'm getting George's reject.

No, you're getting a 200 -year -old in.

As an afterthought.

I wasn't your first choice.

So?

If I don't shop at garage sales, I don't wear used clothing, then I certainly

don't want some old hand -me -down in.

You mean you don't want the in? Sorry, you had your chance.

How could you turn this down? Get off my back!

Is it something I did?

Tell me what I did.

Up next on Nick at Night, the Jeffersons.

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