Original subtitles

Well, Dick and Joanna, it looks like the three of us will be showering together

tomorrow.

Why is that, George? I still can't fix that water heater.

There's only enough hot water left for a quick soap and rinse.

How much is a new hot water heater?

About $1 ,200.

Wow.

Will you wash my back?

Maybe I should keep tinkering.

Well, isn't that new handyman coming today? Maybe he could help you.

He's not a handyman.

He's a stonemason. He repairs fireplaces.

I repair water heaters.

No, no, you don't, George.

Low blow, Dick.

Honey, since we're doing repairs anyway, wouldn't this be a good time to print a

new brochure?

Now, what's wrong with the old brochure? Oh, it's so dated. Read this.

Coming soon, color television.

Well, I guess we could spruce it up a little. Great, I'll rewrite the brochure

and take some pictures for the cover.

Joanna, you're not a photographer.

I think I have a very artistic eye.

Well, then open it the next time you try to take a picture.

What's the haps, chaps?

I'm going to update the Inns brochure. Oh, did that color TV finally come in?

Hey, everybody.

This is Stoney, the stonemason.

Yo.

Yo to you.

How you doing?

Michael, is he a laborer? He said yo, didn't he?

Welcome to the Stratford.

Thanks.

Hey.

Nice pipe wrench.

It was my dad's. Well, he had good taste.

Hey, you're all right, Stoney. Do you know anything about hot water heaters?

Sure. My pop was a hot water heater man.

The fireplace can wait. Come on.

I wonder if Hallmark makes a card for a moment like that.

Don't even try it.

I know your type. You wear a hard hat and say things to make me walk fast.

Broom.

Is that some macho wisecrack you use while you and your buddies are drinking

beer?

No, I just need a broom.

Oh.

Go get me one.

Just who do you think you're talking to?

The maid.

Do I look like a maid?

Well, yeah.

Oh, stop begging. I'll get it.

Okay, now I want to get some indoor shots.

You got pictures of me waiting to the postman, pointing to the end, and making

stupid angels in the snow.

Dick, you looked adorable.

A grown man lying on his back, flapping his arms in the snow.

It's not adorable. You better burn that picture.

I just want to finish up the room.

How many more do you have? Thirty.

I'm going upstairs.

Oh, great. I can get an action shot of you turning down the bed.

You do?

Don't worry.

I'll clean this mess up before I go.

Well, you'd better.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

And don't ask me for anything else.

I'm excited on the perfect picture for the brochure.

The one where you're posing with some of our guests.

I don't remember that one.

Well, it'll only take two seconds.

The jolly innkeeper posing with his happy -go -lucky lodgers.

Excuse me.

My wife was wondering if you'd do us a favor.

We're eating.

My wife can see that, but she'd like to take a picture of the three of us for

the new Stratford brochure.

Who are you?

I'm Dick Loudon, the jolly innkeeper.

Oh, say yes, Art. Maybe he'll leave us alone.

Okay, here we go.

You didn't say you were going to touch us.

lovely. Take the picture, honey.

Take the picture.

Take the damn picture, honey.

I'm waiting for the little green light.

Art, he's looking down my blouse.

Oh, that's a good one.

It's also the last one.

Oh, it's you.

You.

I guess Dick and Joanna failed to mention that we require proper attire in

dining room.

So if you intend to eat in here, I suggest you either pull your shirt down

Pull your pants up.

I'm just having coffee.

I suppose you want me to stir it for you, too.

If you want.

I think

a

man with shoulders like that could stir his own coffee.

How's my little sugar plum?

Ooh, someone should send him a message in dress code.

So, ready? The meter's ticking on the sleigh.

Sleigh?

Cuppers, yesterday was the first snowfall.

Our annual sleigh ride down Main Street to show off our new winter woolens.

Oh, of course.

Michael, you know how I live for this day, but... This doesn't have to work.

Well, this really ruffles my muffler.

Does this man know respect for tradition? How about this afternoon?

Well, I guess.

Of course, we throw him a curve and show up fashionably late. After seven hours

in foot -freezing weather, those pedestrians will pop their parkas.

Till then, my dreamsicle.

Pumped too much iron?

I must have pulled my belt.

Your what?

My delt.

My shoulder.

Oh.

Is it painful?

I can live with it.

Good.

I certainly hope you don't expect me to rub it or anything.

Suit yourself.

Is this the dealt you're talking about?

What's this?

It's what I've written for the brochure.

As you wake and gaze through the leaded glass window of your elegantly appointed

bedchamber, your eyes will fairly dance as they feast upon

the verdant panorama of the majestic rolling

hills.

Exactly where are the hills?

Well, you know, that one out back.

It's not a hill. It's more like a bump.

So I should cut out the word majestic?

That could do it.

Oh, and maple syrup doesn't plummet out of a tree.

It kind of... Cascades?

I was thinking drips.

Of course, that's just one man's verdant opinion.

Well,

if what I've done doesn't meet your high standards, fine.

Write the whole damn thing yourself.

Yo.

What are you doing?

Dick, I'm pushing a wheelbarrow.

Isn't that one of the first signs that the world is coming to an end?

You're a good little worker.

Oh, I got a kink.

If you'd like, I could rub your shoulder again for you.

I'll just... I'll be in if anyway.

lenses deceive me, or were your dainty digits actually burrowing that

biceps?

What are you talking about? Steph, I could see with my own peep.

Good God.

Is that soot?

Uh -huh. What's come over you, girl?

Referring to yourself and another man in the same sentence?

I was just doing an honest day's work.

Stoney does it every day. Oh, Stoney does it every day.

Steph, don't you see what's happening to you? You're being swept away by that

wolf in cheap clothing.

Michael, you're acting like a child. I am not.

You like Stoney and you don't like me.

Michael, where are you going? What difference does it make? You've got your

stone man.

Oh, sure, he may... be built like a Greek god and have the strength of ten,

I have something he'll never have.

See, that would be more Joanna's department.

Dick, please.

Help me.

Stephanie, I'm really... I'm not very good with... with hormones.

Dick,

I don't know what's happening to me.

Have you ever been uncontrollably attracted to someone whose powerful

slick with sweat?

Dick, I want Stoney. Bad.

Stephanie, I'm not sure I'm the right person. And then again, I still love

Michael.

Oh, Dick, make this feeling go away.

Which one?

I'm not sure.

See, I don't know where to begin.

Daddy always used shopping as a metaphor.

All right, all right. Let's say you're out shopping for clothes.

Can we make it sweaters? I love sweaters.

Fine, fine. You're out shopping for sweaters.

Good.

And you walk into this store and you see this nice blue sweater.

I prefer red.

It's red.

And you'll look great in it.

You think?

Yes.

But when you examine it closely, there's something that's not quite you

about it.

It's Orlon.

Whatever.

Well, see, Stoney is like that Orlon sweater, and somehow I

just can't picture you going out with a...

Orlon kind of guy.

Go on.

Go on.

Go on.

On the other hand, Michael is more... Cashmere. Okay.

Cashmere lasts, and I wear it so well.

Great.

So the point is, you're going to have to make up your mind, you know. Is it

Orlan or is it cashmere?

Daddy would let me have both.

Well, this is my story.

Okay, I'll take the cashmere.

But then again, is that Orlan? You can't change your mind. All sales are fine.

I like your store. The salespeople are so pushy.

Stephanie, is any of this sinking in? I think so.

You're saying that Stoney is sort of a machine knit, whereas Michael is more of

a hand -woven.

That's where I was going with it.

I'm so glad we're talking in sweaters. It actually makes learning fun.

Thanks, Dick.

Well, I guess I'd better go break this to Stoney.

He probably doesn't have any sweaters.

How do I say this using tank tops?

Well, just tell him how you feel without clothes.

Dick, that would only lead him on.

Nice work, Stoney.

Okay, it's like this.

I'm a natural fiber person, and I could never even try on a synthetic, let alone

have one in my closet.

I hope this doesn't destroy you, but we must end this madness now.

I don't understand, but I'm sure I'll get over it.

Not you, George.

Stoney. Oh.

Well, another job done.

I'm out of here.

What do you say we go somewhere for a drink and talk?

I don't think so.

A clean break is best.

Not you. George.

Sure.

Well, you're a good little worker.

I mean that, Stacey.

How did he take it? He was destroyed.

And they out!

I'll just... If anyone... Michael,

you're soiled.

Never whip a nag before you climb into the carriage.

Should have seen the looks I got dashing through the snow after a one -horse

open sleigh.

I don't know what came over me.

It's all my fault.

I was driven by a surge of unbridled lust, but I know with you by my side

never feel that way again.

That's my girl.

Do you think you could forgive me?

What's to forgive?

I never thought for a moment that sturdy stallion was any match for this polo

pony.

Oh, Michael.

There have been times my loins, too, have been tempted by animal passion.

When?

Whoa, look at the time.

Well, if we're going to make that sleigh ride, we better meet back here in an

hour, cleansed, clothed, and covered in cashmere.

Cashmere. Look at this.

What are you laughing at? Pictures of you, Dick.

George just picked them up at the one -hour photo.

Oh, let me see.

Okay.

These are good.

What's this picture of Stoney doing in here?

Oh, that's mine.

What?

Joanna, let me explain the difference between cashmere and Orlon.