Original subtitles

Good morning, George.

Oh, hi.

George, are you okay?

Yeah, except I've just made one of the most difficult decisions of my life.

Dick, Joanna, I'm giving up on the Red Sox.

Oh, I thought you were going to go back to wearing those regular jeans.

The Red Sox haven't won the World Series since 1918.

They lost the World Series in 1946 to St. Louis.

In 1967 to St. Louis.

In 1975 to Cincinnati.

And in 1986 to the Mets.

I'm sorry, it's still hard for me to talk about that one.

It was the sixth game of the World Series, and the Red Sox were ahead by

runs with two out in the bottom of the ninth and nobody on. And then the Mets

scored three runs on three hits and two errors and a wild pitch and went on to

win the series.

Thanks for making me relive it, Dick.

Sorry, George.

Well, they're not going to do it to me again.

When spring training starts in a week...

I'm no longer going to be a Red Sox fan.

Well, you can say that, George, but I don't think it's... you're going to be

able to do it that easily.

Oh, no?

I'm going up to my room right now to take the cap off my bedpost.

Wow, he is serious.

Hi, D. J.

Spent any good platters recently?

I'm going back to bed.

Stay right where you are, Kimo Sabe and Kimo Sabet.

I've got news about the news.

The WPIV news producer is leaving, and guess who Bev has asked to fill in?

Oh, no.

Don't worry, Dick. It's me.

Michael, you're going to produce the news?

Does that surprise you?

Well, I was hoping they'd find someone who'd actually watch the news one.

Michael! Jeff.

I've got news.

Well,

if I hadn't done it, he would have.

You're looking at the new producer of the WPIV News.

Oh, Michael, you've been demoted.

No, it's like an honor.

Michael, an honor is supposed to involve something shiny.

Because what do you know about the news? You don't know anything, do you?

Well, no.

Oh, good.

Let's keep it that way.

I don't want you cluttering your mind with anything other than me.

Oh, Steph.

What if I produce the news but don't pay any attention?

That's my Michael.

Well, I better get going. The WPIV action news needs me.

Michael, it's called the news.

It doesn't have one of those silly catchphrases.

It does now.

Excuse me. Excuse me, everybody. May I have your attention?

I'm your new producer, Michael Harris.

So what's news?

I'm Jim Burton, a news editor. This is Bruce Kaysner, a news writer.

tape editors Mike Wilcox, Pete Dexter, and I'm sure you know the on -air people

from watching the program.

Why don't you just introduce them for fun?

Ted Singer, Leslie Cooper, and Jerry Zaks.

Nice to meet you all. Except him in the back. I'm not too sure about that.

Look, I know when somebody new comes in, people are always concerned there are

going to be a lot of changes.

Well, I don't want you to worry about that.

There are going to be a lot of changes. I just don't want you to worry about

them.

Now, the first change is you're not going to be doing the news, sports, and

weather anymore.

You're going to be doing action news, super sports, and accu -weather. Let's

some pizzazz into this thing.

And we need a catchy slogan.

I'm thinking we're the news whenever you want it, between 6 and 6 .30.

And as far as theme music goes, I think we need something up -tempo. You know,

something you can dance to. People ought to be able to find out about the world

and shake their booty at the same time.

It's Bevintown now.

Now, on -air people, I really want you to play up the banter. A good balance of

70 % banter, 30 % news. If you're too topical, this thing's not going to have

any syndication life.

And why don't you act like you're having an affair with her? And you, you

pretend you're real jealous, okay?

This way, we'll be sure to hook all the soap fans.

We just got an update on that dock worker strike. Oh, let me see that.

The strike angle's okay, but dock workers aren't very upscale. What if we

them, uh, male exotic dancers, huh?

I'm sure the ladies would much rather picture a chorus line of hunks than a

picket line of beer bellies.

You're kidding, right?

You can't change the news.

Dismount that high horse.

Mr. Harris, let's run the story as is.

Okay, if you want to be limited by reality.

Here's the rest of the copy for tonight's show.

Good. Now, which one of you is the anchorman?

I am. You're better looking. You be the anchorman.

Okay.

Now, one last thing.

When we open the show, I want you all to run out onto the set and save this

place, okay?

Except for you. You sashay.

Look, we've got to go on the air now.

Well, that's what we're here for, isn't it? Well, we haven't quite figured out

what some of us are here for yet.

Okay, break a leg, everybody.

Except you, gallo -gams.

They call this danceable?

They didn't run in. Good evening. I'm Ted Singer. Oh, no. They went with the

ugly guy.

They're not going to do what you wanted. No self -respecting news team would.

Oh, is that the kind I got stuck with?

Why don't you watch what we do, and then we can talk a little about what changes

we might want to make.

And locally, we'll look at preparations for the upcoming spring festival. And in

sports, Jerry Zaks reports that George Utley has given up.

On the Red Sox.

Let's turn to the international scene.

In London today, a 14 -year -old boy turned in his parents as Russian spies.

Scotland Yard reports that the couple is being detained for questioning after

classified documents were discovered in their Kensington flat.

Dick, can you help me?

Spring training starts Wednesday, and I still have trouble picking out a new

team to root for.

Shouldn't be hard, George.

How about the Twins? They won the World Series last year. Yeah, I thought of

them, Dick, but I don't want it to look like I'm just jumping on the bandwagon.

How about the Montreal Expos? Well, I can't figure out their hat, Dick.

Is that supposed to be an...

or are they trying to spell out expos?

I don't know.

How about the Toronto Blue Jays?

Dick, are you kidding?

I can't root for a team named after Blue Jays. They always take all the other

birds' food.

I'm going to go give it some more thought on my own.

You haven't been much help.

I haven't seen you for a couple days.

Not that I'm complaining.

Well, I have been pretty busy lately. I went with the primaries heating up and

all the concern about the deficit.

Not to mention everything that's going on in the Middle East.

What do you think about this Gulf of Sidra thing?

Michael?

Michael, am I hallucinating or were you just talking about current events?

Dick, it's incredible.

It's like a whole new world is opening up to me. I'm learning so much working

that newsroom. I mean, did you know there have been two world wars?

Of course.

Gee, Dick, you could tell a guy.

I mean, my life used to be just me and Stephanie and when I was forced to, you.

Now, dealing with the news, I know about people all over the place. And, Dick, I

even care about some of them.

Michael. Steph.

Aren't you a little tall for someone who hasn't seen me in two days?

That's better.

Steph, I apologize for not seeing you much lately, but so much has happened

last few days. Producing the news has opened my eyes to so many things.

Tell her. Tell her, Dick.

He knows about the World Wars.

Huh?

Yeah, World War I and the sequel. And that's not all.

I've learned about other countries and about our system of government.

Did you know Camp David isn't a place for the kiddies?

Michael, what have you done to yourself? You promised you wouldn't pay

attention. I know. Can you ever forgive me, please, please?

Well, I guess I can try.

What's that on your hand?

That isn't newsprint.

Well, Steph, it's better than lipstick on my collar.

Michael, another woman I could crush and humiliate. But I don't know how to deal

with this.

Steph, listen to me.

Just because there are world events in my thinker doesn't mean that you're not

still number one in my thumper.

When you talk like that, it just does something to me inside.

Yeah, me too.

Wash your hands twice and I'll let you take me out.

I... I can't. I've got to go produce the news.

Again? Well, that's one thing about the news. From what I can see, it happens

daily.

But, Michael... I've got to go, my cute correspondent.

has taken my Michael and replaced him with his evil, informed twin.

Is this guy great or what?

Yeah.

Michael, that was without a doubt the best Vermont Today we've ever done. I

don't think the toxic waste issue has been examined in more depth than we did

today. And it's all because of...

Because of Michael here.

This is a pretty big change for you, Michael.

Well, JoJo, you know, it's good to know you're doing something really important.

And now, you know, when I'm working on some of the other shows I produce, like

Bowling for Eggs or Let's Make People Turn Red, somehow they seem

almost silly.

But I'm trying to make some changes in them, too.

Yeah, I saw The Pearl's Kitchen.

where she mixed the chocolate pudding with the vanilla pudding and then said,

only the world could be like this.

You know, it's a step.

Steph, aren't you even going to say hi?

Hi.

I know things haven't been the same between us lately, Steph, of my heart,

did bring you a present, and I hope you can find it within yourself to accept

it.

Well...

All of your good qualities.

Is

this

what I think it is?

Remember when I promised you the world? Well, here it is.

And see?

Here's Latin America, where a lot of my language comes from.

And here's Nicaragua, where the Sandinistas are battling the Contras.

here, here's the Middle East, where they always seem to be fighting over

something. Michael, stop it. I don't want to hear anymore.

Quick, show me the Riviera.

Well,

I better go see what happened here today.

All right, I think we should leave with the hostage story and then into the

Persian Gulf story. What do you think, Jim?

I agree.

Ted, why don't you tune in in a few minutes and see what I think?

Michael, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah. I'm just... I'm kind of tired, I think.

If it'd perk you up at all, we could run on to the set tonight.

That's okay.

News is starting to get to you a little bit, isn't it?

Well, I... I never used to know about any of this stuff.

It's a lot to get hit with all at once.

I know I'm a better person for knowing it, but part of me still wishes I

I guess somehow the world seems like a nicer place when you don't know what's

going on in it.

You know, Michael, I never thought I'd say this after that first day of yours

here, but you're doing a good job.

Thanks. That means a lot coming from you.

Doesn't it?

Good evening. These are the stories making headlines at this hour.

A gunman is holding people hostage at a bank in Illinois.

Fighting has broken out again in the Persian Gulf. And locally, a fire in

Burlington leaves two people homeless.

Details on these and other stories...

people who know the gunman said he kept to himself and seemed to be a nice guy

those are all the details we have at this hour stay tuned to channel 8 for

in the news today.

Some kid just ran in here and changed the station.

No, wait, wait, wait, wait.

This is one where Bullwinkle plays football for What's the Matter You.

Do you watch this?

I've been known to on occasion.

Don't you think it's kind of silly?

Yeah, thank God. I need silly after dealing with the news all day.

Sometimes a little... Insanity is just the thing you keep you saying

I did, Dick. For a week there, they were out of my life.

Then they played their first spring training game on TV, and you should have

seen it, Dick. They were like a whole new team.

I mean, they only lost by two runs.

This could be their year.

George, you've been saying that for 50 years.

Well, that's just the point, Dick. I mean, I've been rooting for this team

my life.

What if I gave up on them this year, and then they won it all? Then how would I

feel?

Pretty bad?

Boy, Dick, to you, I'm an open book.

I'm going to go put this back on the bedpost.

You want to come watch?

No, George, I think this moment should be between a man and his cap.

Hello, is Dr. Dean?

Just a minute. Hold on, please.

Stephanie!

Telephone!

Somebody named Chuck.

Hi, Chuck.

You own a convertible and you don't read the paper.

Well... You're certainly a possibility.

I'll let you know.

Bye.

Stephanie, what are you doing?

how much longer I can go on with Mr.

Eight Continents.

Stephanie, it's Seven Continents.

You were probably counting Atlantis.

Stephanie, have you even tried to relate to Michael on his new level?

Well, I started to watch the news last night, but I couldn't get through it.

Why do people that things happen to look so bad?

I think you can make a little more effort than that.

All right.

Tell me one news item I can use to talk to Michael. One that's easy to remember

and won't make me go, ew.

And try to tell it to me fast or I'll get bored.

The plight of the homeless.

I just hope he appreciates all I'm going through for him.

If he doesn't, he is one insensitive jerk.

Well, that's the last time I cram for a date.

Michael, didn't you hear what Stephanie said?

Uh -huh. But I don't care about that news stuff anymore.

Oh, Michael, you're not just saying that?

Who isn't?

Well, I was watching Bullwinkle during the news, and I had a revelation.

That happens a lot during Bullwinkle.

I found out that entertainment is just as important as the news. I mean...

After people hear about all the terrible things they do to each other, they need

something to make them feel good again. They need to laugh.

That's where I come in, Dick.

I can do that.

Michael, that's all fine, but it doesn't mean you can't keep doing the news.

I think it does, Dick. If I'm watching the news too closely, I might get too

to entertain.

I know that one story of Dick's brought me down.

I think I'm just better off watching things like the Munsters. You know?

When Herman Munster loses his job, you're a little worried.

But you know he's going to get it back by the end of the episode.

I mean, I just wish the news were more like that. You know, more happy endings.

Michael, say this doesn't mean that I won't be interviewing the governor this

weekend. I think we're better off with Herbie the Fire Eater, Dick.

I mean, after the heavy show we did last week, he'll be a breath of fresh and

hot air.

I hope you're not too disappointed, Dick.

To be honest, it was nice having you proud of me. I think I'm going to miss

that.

Michael, bring the governor back, and I'll be strutting like a peacock.

Sorry, Dick, not worth it.

So, Steph, I'm free to be you and me.

Oh, Michael, just promise me one thing, that you'll never get involved with

human suffering again.

You got it, Steph.

Dick, let me know how that hostage thing turns out, okay?

Well, Michael's back to the way he was. George is still a Red Sox fan, so all's

right with the world.

Meow.