Original subtitles

Dick, finish your feast and feast your peepers on this.

It's a list of the 400 wealthiest people in television. Don't bother checking

you're not on there.

But don't worry, Dickster. I've come up with a moolah -making idea that'll put

you on next year's list right up there with Merv, Dick Clark, and that Bochco

guy.

Sure, Michael.

Next month, they're holding the annual Cindy Convention.

That's the big convention where all the TV producers try and sell their shows

for syndication.

Now, follow me on this.

We take your show, Vermont Today, keep the basic charm and homespun humor, but

we rename it Small Town Today.

Suddenly, you've got something a whole nation wants to see.

That's not a bad idea.

Wait, Dick, you're being short -sighted.

Michael, I think the idea's okay.

You mean you like an idea I came up with? I think it's great. I think we

go to the convention.

Dick, I spent all night working a brilliant counter -argument, some of

Latin.

Well, Michael, if stations across the country want to syndicate me and Dick

Loudon can be seen nationwide, why not?

Gee, I didn't count on the old ego kicking in.

Where's the convention?

That's the best part.

Practice your Satchmo impression and get ready to beat your tootsies on the

Mississippi mud. In two weeks, we're going to New Orleans.

Oh, yeah.

Michael! Cuppers!

I hear mention of a glamorous city down south that we've never been to that has

boutiques and restaurants and... You're going alone, aren't you?

Not alone with Dick.

Same thing.

Michael, read my lips.

Steph, if I can sell Vermont today in syndication, we'll make enough money to

cure something.

But don't worry, we won't.

Here we are, way down yonder in Big Easy.

Yeah, I never heard that before.

Michael, you didn't tell me we were going to have to share a room. It's the

station budget, Dick. We're on a shoestring.

And look at this, Michael. We're even going to have to... To share a bed.

Dick, don't be disgusting.

There's a roll -away over there. I'm sure you'll love it.

Dibs on these drawers.

Dibs on these. And these.

Michael, you left me nothing.

I have designer ensembles, Dick. You have the slumpy cardigans.

Besides, I left your room in the nightstand. Just pull out the Gideon

your duds in there.

Hello. Oh, hi, Steph.

No, I haven't sold Dick's show yet.

Well, sweet knees, we just got here 15 minutes ago.

But don't worry, I will.

It's a lock.

Oh, no.

I miss you more than you miss me.

I do, too.

I do, too.

I do, too.

does, okay?

Okay, Cupcake, I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Michael, the phone company gets real annoyed when you suck someone through

the other end.

Oh, till tomorrow, Cupcake.

Oh, okay.

Dick Joanna wants to talk to you. Bye, Cooper.

All right. Hi, honey.

That's about 65 and partly cloudy.

You too. Bye.

Yeah, you really got it bad, Dick.

Wow. This is great.

I get to sit in Dick's chair when he's away.

And I get to check in his guest.

And I get to drink from his cup?

Don't worry, Joanna. That's where it ends.

Stephanie?

These eggs are runny. And my cinnamon toast is burned.

Well, I'm depressed about Michael being away.

Me too.

unfortunate news.

We had a grease fire over at the cafe.

A fire?

No human damage, but all our major food groups were scorched.

Our entire kitchen was destroyed.

Well, guys, if there's anything we can do to help.

As a matter of fact, we was wondering if during the crisis we could use your

kitchen to cook our cafe foods.

Uh, could I take back that anything?

Miss Joanna, if we don't keep the cafe going, our money will dry up.

And there goes our standard of living.

Oh, guys, really, I... If you won't do it for us, do it for our regular.

Okay.

You can use our kitchen.

Thank you. Miss Joanna, you're a lifesaver.

Now all we need is your dining room.

We knew better than to dump this on you all at once.

Guys, really, I'd like to help, but...

See, we need our dining room to serve breakfast to our guests.

You got yourself a deal. You get it for breakfast. We get it for lunch and

dinner. Wow.

Diner food without having to go out for it.

Well, okay.

Don't worry. We'll do our darndest not to burn your place down.

Oh, here comes some potential live ones for Small Town today. Here, country it

up, Dick. Put on this hat and suck on this straw.

I am not wearing farm accessories.

Okay, but while I'm pitching, at least spit once in a while.

Hi. Welcome to Small Town today.

This show is a great buy. And here's a man for all time slots.

Dick Loud.

Hi. What does he do?

You name it, he does it. He interviews, he quips, he spits.

I don't spit.

And here, have some genuine Vermont saltwater taffy.

Vermont saltwater taffy?

It's a sale, Jewel Dick. You're not an easy sell. I mean, you're not exactly

Roby the Atomic Rooster. You can't even get near that booth.

Hi. Meet Dick Loudon.

He has appeal across the board. He's more homespun than Mark Twain. He's

cuddlier than Bert Convy, and he's more flexible than Gumby.

Well, if he is all that, he's going to be tough to turn down.

I'm Michael Harris, producer of Small Town Today. You've met our star host,

Loudon. I'm Erica Sloan, vice president with Westcott Broadcasting. Westcott

Broadcasting, major shekels, mucho, mucho dinero.

Yes, we represent 55 independents nationwide, and right now we're in the

for an upscale half an hour we could run on Sundays against football.

Dick is perfect. Women love Dick because he's a father figure, and the jocks

like him because they know they can take him.

We're on a very tight budget. We couldn't go over $40 ,000 an episode.

I think we can struggle along on that.

Well, I think I'll look around the rest of the exhibits and see if anything

sparks me. But I'm definitely interested in what I see here. I may be in touch.

Nice to meet you, Dick.

Michael.

Boy, that Westcott group knows how to pick them, huh?

Did you hear that? $40 ,000 show.

It costs us about five.

Do you realize what this means for Steph and me?

Michael, it's a long way from a sale. Well, maybe if you'd whipped out the

taffy.

Forget the taffy. I'm the star of the show. I'll handle the next couple that

comes by. Hi. Hi, I'm Dick Loud.

We have lots of features, news, human interest.

Our show's in color.

Taffy?

Hello again.

Care for some sugar shock?

I've looked around and decided what I want is right here.

Great. I'm interested in purchasing two years, 104 episodes of Small Town Today

for syndication.

You mean it?

Well, there are three conditions to this purchase.

One, that you deliver the first 13 episodes by June 15th.

No problema.

Two, that the price per episode will be $40 ,000.

Well, okay.

And three...

That you spend the night with me.

Pardon me?

I'm very attracted to you, Michael.

I'd like to go to bed with you.

Wow.

This is better than winning luggage.

Look, I'm honored by your offer, but I have a cupcake at home.

I'm involved.

Well, that's too bad. Are you sure you won't reconsider?

Well, I really don't think I should.

Michael, think about what you're giving up here. I could do wonders for both you

and your business.

Now, I'm on a very tight schedule and I need a decision right now.

Okay, yes.

Come on, Michael. It isn't a senior prom.

We're just going to go out and see New Orleans.

Actually, Dick, that's what you're going to be doing.

What do you mean?

Well, remember I told you the show was sold and we got our price?

Well, it's just a little wrinkle.

What is it?

She wants my bod.

What?

Erica propositioned me, Dick. She's offered to buy two years' worth of

in exchange for one night of passionate yaha.

Are you telling me that that talc wasn't for me?

Michael, I don't believe this.

Dick, I'm not a vegetable. I'm an hombre with hormones.

This lady is Venus with an attaché case.

Besides, this is our only shot at big bucks.

Michael, you can't tell me the other boos are doing this.

How can I turn this down? She's offering us a bundle.

She's gorgeous. And she doesn't want any commitments.

And no one will ever know, except for you.

And hopefully her.

No complications.

Really?

What about Stephanie?

Oh, you thought about her too, huh?

Michael, you think that this is just tonight.

But this is going to affect you and Stephanie forever.

I mean, Stephanie is your...

Cupper -whupper -uppers.

You can't do this.

Oh, come on, Dick. In all the years you've been married to Joanna, you never

oingo -boingoed with another woman?

If that means what I think it means.

No. Really?

Because the buzz at the station for a while was that you and Pearl had a thing

going on. Michael, forget about the show. Put on your coat and we'll go out

do guy things.

Uh, Dick.

I'm staying.

Erica's due here in an hour.

She's coming here? It's closer to my grooming kit.

Besides, you did say you wanted a night out on the town.

Michael, I'll be back at midnight.

Okay, okay. But if there's a bra on the door, that'll be the signal.

Here you go. One Adam and Eve on a shingle.

One poultry surprise.

A handful of succotash.

Ew.

I know, Stephanie.

Joanna, look at these people.

I mean, shouldn't we be taking injections or something?

They are a bit scruffy.

One of our guests asked me if our hotel was on a prison program.

Wow, it's exciting living in a house that's got its own milkshake machine.

You know, when the guys make me one, they leave half in the glass and half in

the canister. That way, when you look down and see you're empty, presto,

got another glass just waiting for you.

You find the good in everything, don't you, George?

Uh -huh.

in a person.

I thought this was the bed and breakfast tent. I didn't know you served dinner.

We don't. This is a temporary arrangement.

Oh, would you recommend it? Well, not really.

Right here.

We have a special today on sea creatures.

Hot potato. Hot potato. Hot potato.

Wait. You ordered mashed potatoes, didn't you? Daryl?

Guys. Guys.

We have to talk. There's a problem here.

We know.

You're a clean freak.

Huh? Well, no sooner does the lunch rush leave than you... swoop down with a

vacuum cleaner and suck up the ambiance.

It's a sickness.

Miss Joanna, personally, I could live with it, but Daryl here is disgusted.

I'm afraid we'll have to feed our multitudes elsewhere.

At least till you get therapy.

Thanks, fellas.

That's just the kind of incentive I need.

This wasn't what drove your husband away, was it?

I

wonder if

there's anything in here about cupcake cheating.

I just wanted to hear your voice.

So, how are things going in getting our millions?

Well, well, Steph, we're close to a deal, but there are complications.

Let me lay out the details.

Oh, Michael, you know I'm not a detail person.

Well, I don't like the terms of the deal. I may turn it down.

Are my perfect shell -like ears hearing right?

Are you going to come back home not doing what you said you were going to

Cupcake, if by some chance it all goes tummy up on me, I've bought you enough

gifts to give new meaning to the term Louisiana purchase.

in you as a boyfriend and as a producer.

And I know you'll do whatever it takes to sell that show, so do it.

Are you sure you really mean this?

Beg if you have to.

Michael? I don't think that'll be necessary.

Well, Steph, I better go. I've got to put this thing to bed.

but I couldn't wait.

Hi.

I thought they couldn't improve on that chocolate on the pillow thing.

You know, I like you without your glasses.

How do you know I'm wearing them?

I was right.

Look, I got us some champagne to celebrate our deal. Of course, now you

to pour.

Well, why don't we save it for afterwards?

Yeah, afterwards.

Well, I've never done this with a TV executive before.

Hope I do well on the overnights.

There was no bra on the door.

Sorry, Dick. She's still wearing the signal.

I, uh... I forgot my wallet. It's on the dressing room. I'll get it. I'll get

it.

Hi.

Hi. How are you doing?

So, I, uh, I hear you like my show.

Boy,

how about that Mississippi?

My, my, uh, Michael?

Oh, thanks, thanks, nice, nice.

Chat, chatting, chatting.

Dick, don't leave me alone with this media vexing.

I don't know if I want to go through with it. Then don't. Well, I don't know

I don't want to go through with it either.

Michael, this is a decision you're going to have to make all by yourself.

I mean, if you want to go for one cheap moment of guilt -ridden pleasure and ill

-gotten financial gain, or remain true to your sweetheart back home, who

you supposedly love with all your heart.

See what I mean, Dick? It's a close call.

Eric, this thing, you sort of backed me into a corner to do.

Well, let's get to it.

Michael? Present.

I don't think I can go through with this.

Why? Because. Because I already have a cute quesadilla occupying this ticker.

Are you saying you're sick?

No.

No, no. The point is, this isn't right.

And no amount of money, although your amount was close,

is worth betraying her.

Michael, I am very disappointed.

And you should be, too. I mean, you realize at $40 ,000 a show, you just

yourself over $4 million.

How about $20 ,000 a show and some heavy penny?

No. No, I can't.

Goodbye, Eric.

You know, you really are a nice guy.

Poor, but nice.

To you, Steph.

I wonder what she's gonna do to me for blowing this deal.