Original subtitles

Once again, let's take a short break while Edith catches up with the minute.

This is the most boring thing I have ever sat through.

Stephanie, the town hall meeting is one of the purest forms of democracy in

action. I mean, that's what our founding fathers had in mind when they came up

with the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.

Thanks, Dick.

This is now the second most boring thing I've ever said.

Stephanie, Dick needs all the support he can get for his stoplight.

What's so important about a dopey stoplight?

Well, it could prevent accidents and save lives.

Oh.

Well, I guess that's okay, as long as it's quick.

All set, Edith.

All set, Edith.

The next order of business is new ordinances.

I recognize Dick Loudon. Well, you've known him long enough.

Jim, I asked you not to do that joke at every meeting.

Funny as it is.

I'd like to propose a stoplight at the intersection of Elm Avenue and

Lane. Been any accidents there?

Not yet, but there's a heck of a lot of squealing brakes.

Yes, I am Ed Whitley. I own Whitley's Brake Service.

And I say, let's not rush into anything here.

This is a wild guess, but I don't think Mr. Whitley can be completely objective

about this.

A stoplight. Can we afford it?

Yep. All in favor of Dick's stoplight?

The ayes have it. Motion is approved.

Congratulations, buddy. Wow.

You just ask for stuff and you get it.

I'm starting to like democracy.

I'm going to ask the town council to give me a raise.

Stephanie,

that isn't the way it goes.

You'd have to work for the city.

You'd have to work for someone.

Yo.

The chair recognizes Officer Shifflett. Well, you've known him. Jim!

Hi. I think you all know me.

I'm custodian of your safety, guardian of your children, your basic man behind

the badge.

I'm here today to ask for a long overdue, and need I say, well -deserved

Can we afford it? Not after Dick's stoplight.

Thanks a lot, Loudon.

I just hope I can hear my police radio over my stomach growling.

So what are you doing here?

Why aren't you out watching cars come to a full stop?

Look, I know you must be upset.

Why is it a kid in yourself?

You're looking at Jimmy, won't put his toys away, McGuire.

You know the scenario?

Won't eat his vegetables, won't put away his toys.

Next thing you know, he's praying for a call from the governor.

There's an after -school special just waiting to happen.

Okay, McGuire, you did your time.

Now... Don't let me see your ugly mug around here again.

My version is scared straight.

Look, I'm sorry about the stoplight thing, but, I mean, why didn't you stand

and fight for your race? You were there, Loudon. They said they didn't have

enough money after a certain someone bled the town dry.

Look, there's no reason that they couldn't afford a stoplight and a police

force. You know nothing about our budgetary woes.

Why do you think I'm all alone here?

There isn't even enough money for me to have a nervous and competent deputy.

They're always claiming they don't have money for anything.

But why don't you go back there and ask them for your raise again?

The only place I go with my hat in my hand is my barber.

Then leave your hat on.

And don't ask.

Demand. I mean, this town needs you.

You're right, Loudon.

You're looking at yesterday's patsy.

And if you want, I'll go down there with you to, you know, back you up.

Well, thanks all the same.

I think I'm more imposing on my own.

Hi, hi, Dick.

Oh, Blondie, your Dagwood's here.

Will I ever tire of seeing you scurry? No.

Why am I never not here?

Michael, I have to tell you about the town meeting.

It was amazing.

People just asked for things and they got them.

It was almost like my childhood.

Gee, when I heard dick, stop like townspeople, I figured snore in.

Don't you get it, Michael?

We can ask for things, too.

Hey, neat!

What should we ask for? How about luggage?

No.

One of the catches is these requests have to be more town -oriented.

What would we like to change about this town?

How about we change all the people?

to be more realistic.

We can't bring in all new people, much as that would be a dream come true.

I know.

Let's ask them to get rid of all the animals.

After all, that's what makes this place look so rural.

And you realize that without farm animals, there'd be no need for farmers.

proposal. Prepare to urbanize, Dick.

Love that curry.

Oh, hi.

Did you see Jim and Chester?

At approximately 1 ,300 hours, I confronted Mayor Wanamaker in a

Jim.

I reiterated my demands for a raise in a civilized and orderly manner.

And? And they said, no.

So I told them I was prepared to walk, to leave this burg completely

unprotected.

And then what did they say?

They said, see if we care.

As of this moment, this town is ripe for pillage.

I am now officially on strike.

I figure four decent -sized moving vans could make this zip code cow -free in

one afternoon.

The cows are leaving?

Michael and I are going to propose to the town council that they send all the

objectionable animals away.

And cows, being the largest, are one of the most noticeable.

Gee, I kind of like this town the way it is. Animals and all.

George, if you look the other way and let cows get out of hand, the next thing

you know, you have another India.

Stephanie, have you ever seen a cow up close?

George, why do you think they have fences around those things?

Would you let me introduce one to you?

Right.

And after that, we can go visit sick people.

Stephanie, would you please do this one thing for me as a friend?

George, is this... One of those things that if I don't do it, you'll be giving

me that look all the time.

Okay, George.

Thanks, Stephanie.

When I'm in the mood, have the time, and feel there's absolutely no chance, I'll

get nauseous.

Great. Thursday it is.

Well, how bad can cows be? I mean, we like them as jackets.

One bi -weekly rag removed from your front lawn seconds before the

bow -wow claimed it for his own.

Thanks. Story after story should paint a picture of an unprotected town on the

brink of disaster.

They'll be begging me to come back.

The headline says, Lumber Surplus.

I'm afraid you're going to have to be a little more realistic about the effect

your absence is going to have.

You're right.

Won't be till tonight that we're bathed in the orange glow of a town in flames.

Oh, hi, Dick. We were wondering if... Oh, hello, Mr.

Shifflett.

Mr. Penny.

Mr. Pinscher.

Dick, we wanted you to know that to keep those gathering storm clouds at bay,

we've decided to form a volunteer police department.

And we thought a scrappy guy like you would jump at the chance to join. So can

we count you in?

I, uh, I don't think so.

Scared, huh?

No, I just support Officer Shifflett's position.

He's not scared.

He's a traitor.

Well, we better go over to the jailhouse and relieve the others. Yeah, it's my

turn to wear the badge.

Well, there goes the ballgame.

If they get to play volunteer cop, it could be months before they see the

or are killed off in their own crossfire.

Oh, hello, Officer Shiflett.

Not an officer, ma 'am.

Just a gunless, billy -clubless shell of a man.

Ditch, he seems down.

Well, it looks like it's going to be a while before the town gives in to his

demands.

Well, then offer him a job here.

Honey, we don't need any help.

That's no reason not to hire someone.

Well, it might take his mind off his troubles.

And in his present position, we could probably get him for a song.

Dick.

Hi.

Lo.

Sorry.

Just free associating.

Well, I'm probably going to wind up as those bozo security night watchmen do.

Might even start getting a belly.

You know, I've been thinking, you know, with all this free time on your hands.

Try eternity.

Right.

The fact is, you know, we've been looking for some help around the inn.

Throw a bone to the pitiful loser on the couch.

No, we really, really could use some help.

Listen, I know people and I know cons, and this is third -rate amateur time

conning, so give it up.

You giving up already?

Well, you think I'm conning.

Yeah, but in my situation, I'm in the mood to be conned.

Besides, I always felt I could be a help around here.

Really? Well, yeah.

You got a truckload of security problems in this joint, but I could nix them no

sweat.

Security problems?

Well, that's what you need me for, right?

Uh, well...

Because that's what I do.

Anything else, you might as well snuff me and stuff my lifeless hunk in the

nearest compactor.

What else would I be talking about?

Well, great.

Then I'll go get my stuff.

I'll make this inn safer than Zeppo and a crowd of Marx Brothers fans.

Oh, and, Loudon, I don't say this often, but...

Well, you know.

Well, Dick, I did it. Tell him what I showed you, Stephanie.

A cow.

Roberta.

Up close?

Well, as close as we could get if Stephanie refused to get out of the car.

I don't blame you, Stephanie. I know I roll up my windows whenever I drive

through. Cow country safari.

Tell Dick to rest, Stephanie.

All right.

She has the biggest, most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.

Except for mine, of course.

And those lashes.

I would...

I know people who would kill for those lashes.

So, uh, how did you leave it with Roberta?

I told her she could stay.

What about the rest of the animals?

Well, instead of meeting all of them up close, I decided they could stay, too.

I thought I heard a collective hue from the woods.

This calls for a celebration.

What do you say I go down to Farmer Gordon and get some milk right from

I bet you've never tasted fresh milk before.

Oh, George.

And I never will.

You have to understand, Officer Shifflett is new here.

I am so sorry about that Danish incident.

Well, it was my fault for taking more than one.

Think maybe I better case that case.

Officer, you want to bet these two haven't paid for a towel in 40 years?

Hello.

Taking home a few souvenirs to keep the memories warm and fresh, Futterman?

Officer Shifflett, that's not our towel.

Oh, it wouldn't take one of your towels.

They're a little small.

Obviously, you weren't put off by the size of the soap.

Please, Mr.

and Mrs. Futterman, take the soap with our compliments.

All right.

But don't let me catch you showering with it in my town.

Why'd you stop me?

No telling what I could have turned up with a strip search.

Well, I better get back on Danish patrol.

Dick, remember when I told you to hire Officer Shifflett? Well, I'm withdrawing

the suggestion.

Honey, I can't fire him. The town made him feel like he isn't needed.

Then he's probably used to the feeling.

Dick, he is ruining...

Judge, you ought to be patient. I mean, the town is bound to buckle.

I mean, there must be some crime that will scare them at some point.

Hooligans paint parking meter red.

One passerby who asked that his name be withheld said that he thought the color

spruced up an otherwise drab corner.

Wait.

Wait a minute.

Here's something.

Officer Shifflett.

No.

Right here on page one.

Snowblower reported stolen.

South side of town, I'm not surprised.

Claire and Gus Doria reported their snowblower stolen.

After a careful investigation by concerned neighbors...

was discovered in their backyard under an exceptionally high drift.

Tom!

Maybe I was wrong.

Maybe this town doesn't need me.

It'd probably do just as well with old man Hopkins, the school crossing guard.

He has his own uniform and he knows the streets.

Ah, what the hell am I getting misty -eyed for?

The town's lost, it's your game.

Dick?

Officer Shifflett, could we talk?

Excuse me, honey.

About your job here at the Stratford. Could

I see that?

Why not?

Safety's on.

Why don't I... Why don't I just put it over here?

About your job.

Officer Shiflett, are we glad to see you. Did you read about the crime spree?

What crime spree? Gee, Dick, take an interest in your community.

A parking meter has been vandalized. Somebody painted it bright red.

Thank God it spruced up the corner, but if it had been any other color... I knew

this was coming.

First painted, metered, then graffiti.

Next thing you know, it's West Side Story without the thing in a dancing.

We had an emergency town council meeting, and we voted unanimously to

under to your demands.

I knew you'd blink first.

It doesn't matter who blinked. The important thing is that you're back

patrolling that asphalt jungle.

Right.

Of course, Dick, we had to lose your stoplight.

What?

We're going with a stop sign.

And with the money we save, we can give Officer Shifflett his raise.

A stop sign is fine with me.

It is.

Gee, Dick, if you'd said that in the first place, we could have avoided this

whole mess.

He probably set the whole thing up to get some cheap security help for his

That's okay.

I'm not one to hold a grudge.

For long.

It's good to be back.

Tell you the truth, I felt naked without the shield.

Well, gentlemen, I'd love to schmooze, but there's a maniac loose trying to

paint my town red.

Couldn't be hard to find the culprit.

There are little red footprints all around the meter.

Oh, it's probably just kids.

I mean, when we were that age, we'd indulge in the...

A lot of harmless tomfoolery.

I never did.

Me either.

That would be wrong.

Kids are maybe some middle -aged delinquent with small feet.

Lift them, lad.