Original subtitles

Something wrong, Stephanie?

In the kitchen.

Nothing fuzzy.

Moving.

Like a grizzly?

Only worse.

Smaller and spider -shaped.

So what you're saying is there's a bug in the kitchen.

Kill it, Michael.

And make it suffer.

Actually, Steph, spiders have an awfully short lifespan. If you leave it alone,

it'll die in a few months.

Okay, I'll get it.

But if it casts a shadow, it's yours.

I think it's suffering.

Hi, I'm Larry, party of one.

Where's your brother Daryl and your other brother Daryl? I've got them

an Archie comic.

It's the one where Archie has to choose between Betty and Veronica, so it's

impossible to put down.

That ought to leave us enough time to talk privately.

Uh, why?

Miss Stephanie, do you mind? I'm about to say something that may shock and

revolt.

Well, two things my parents sent me to boarding school to avoid.

Main squeeze on your heel, Steph.

Larry, since this is a family secret, why don't you just share it with your

brothers and leave it, you know, at that.

Well, they don't take surprises very well.

They're still reeling from England going metric.

Okay, let me have it.

Well, I've discovered a skeleton in our closet.

And it's not as pleasant as it sounds.

Brace yourself.

Is this okay?

The other night, while I was up in... Oop, here they come. Act casual.

Pretend we're comparing belly buttons.

Hi,

Daryl. Why are you back so early?

Have you finished that comic book already?

Wait a minute.

I know. You couldn't stand the suspense, so you skipped to the back, didn't you?

Well, I killed that fighter.

So, that's what first attracted you to her.

Come on, Daryl.

So which way did Archie go? Blonde or brunette?

What was that about?

Belly buttons, skeletons, you know, the usual.

I think I'll have a coffee with Poo Lump because...

That's the way...

You want to talk about this?

That's one of the selections on my new sing -along machine.

The portable lounge lizard?

Yeah. It has over 100 hit songs you can choose from. Everything from Edelweiss

to Another One Bites the Dust.

Talk about your gamuts.

And it has professional arrangements, backup singer, and even an echo effect.

George, I never knew you were so crazy about singing and echoing.

I love it. For years, I've been afraid to sing aloud.

When I was 11, I tried out for the junior high school glee club.

After they heard me sing, they made me a listener.

Now, at last, the technology has come along to make me sound like a pro.

Whether I'm right...

Or whether I'm wrong.

Whether I find a place in this world or never belong.

I gotta be me going home.

I gotta be me.

I bet that would sound real good with the acoustics, you know, up in your

You think so, Dick?

Yes, George, and the echo effect will sound best with the door closed because

you'll have those four solid walls working for you.

Yeah, I'm going to try it right now because... That's

the way, uh -huh, uh -huh.

Don't good things ever happen to us.

Hi.

I'm Larry. Larry!

What are you doing here?

My, aren't we grouchy in the morning?

Larry, we wake up completely different when you're not in our bed.

Window, ladder, Batman -like climbing.

How long have you been here?

Since 4 a .m.

Strange. I always had you pegged as stomach sleepers.

Larry, two things. Tell us why you're here and get off the bed.

It has to do with that family secret that's been gnawing at my innards.

About a week ago, I was up in the attic cutting back the weeds.

I came across this old knick -knack drawer, and inside, right behind some

there was an old box.

I opened it up and discovered these three documents.

What are they?

Three birth certificates.

Mine, Daryl's, and Daryl's.

You know what this proves?

Brace yourself.

Like this, honey.

It proves we weren't born in the same sequence I thought.

All these years, I assumed that I was the oldest brother.

I'm not.

Daryl is.

This could throw our whole family out of kilter.

Larry, I'm afraid that ship has sailed.

Larry, forget what the documents say.

Are you sure you weren't first?

I mean, when you were born, do you remember... having to share a pacifier?

The last thing to remember was...

The midwife delivered a heifer and a Daryl at the same time.

And there was quite a bit of nursing confusion.

I don't know how I'm going to keep this secret from Daryl. Well, why don't you

just tell your brothers the truth?

This could really affect the way we deal with each other.

Why? You three could be the same as you were.

If that's what you're shooting for.

Well, it sure would take a load off my gut.

Okay, I'll go spill the beans to Daryl.

I'll let you know how it works out.

Larry, from now on, our bedroom is by invitation only.

Okay, I'll be waiting for it.

And I'm his other brother, Larry.

I took your advice and showed Daryl the certificates.

You see the results. I've been cooed.

But, Larry, you've always been the one in charge. I'm not sure Daryl respects

that. You think so?

Well, maybe I have been a bit premature.

Oops.

Sorry.

We didn't mean to shake up the family.

Might as well have attached it to Elvis' hips.

What's wrong, Stephanie?

Well, we were walking out of the drugstore when a wind kicked up and poor

got must.

And there were people.

I tried to get your sunglasses on as fast as I could. But not fast enough.

going to have to drill on that.

Miss Stephanie, normally I'd sympathize with your near must, but I've got

upheavals of my own.

What's that, Larry?

Meet Daryl, tall, dark, and in charge.

Daryl found out he's the oldest.

along with all the other responsibilities, he'll be inheriting my

My cold sunglasses.

Daryl, just because power's turned your head don't mean it's going to turn

anybody else's. Let's go.

Next time I'm in the womb, I'm not going to let anybody

cut in front of me.

So, ma 'am.

Well, look who's here.

It's George and his machine.

Out of his room and within earshot.

So, George, you brought down your portable lounge lizard.

Yeah. I was rushing my work to get back to my singing. Then I realized I was

kind of... Neglecting my job at the expense of fun. Then it came to me. Who

the hardest working people in the world, Dick?

Snow White's dwarves, right?

Except for the Japanese, yeah.

And why were they hard working? Because while they worked, they sang hi -ho, hi

-ho.

No, no, George. They sang hi -ho, hi -ho on the way to work.

But once they were at work, it was strictly whistling.

Yeah, but if they'd had one of these, you can bet they'd have been singing

little lungs out.

I'm a soul.

Dick,

you've got to stop the man. He's taking the beautiful art of lounge singing and

making a farce out of it.

You can't just go up to someone and say you think.

I'm a soul man.

Hear me.

I'll think of something.

George, could I talk to you about your singing?

Sure, Dick.

George, it's not that we don't enjoy it. It's just that we don't think the

quaint, rustic charm of New England is symbolized by a handyman singing Motown.

Gee, I guess you're right, Dick.

I guess this does seem kind of inappropriate.

Good. No problem, Dick. Your worries are over.

Penny's in a stream Falling leaves of

sycamore

Enjoyed our southern fried chicken.

And I'm sorry about the feathers.

Left just a nickel. Fund money.

I knew it. There he goes. Being responsible again.

He's taking our fund money and wasting it on one of them high interest

retirement funds.

We were just taking a well -deserved zany break.

Hi, guys.

How many are you?

Just the one.

Smoking, non -smoking, or undecided?

Non -smoking.

Fan on your face or not?

Look, Larry, I didn't come over here to dine. You called me and asked...

You better order something. The new Daryl don't allow any laundering.

Oh, I forgot.

Daryl here will take your order.

Do you have anything that's prepackaged?

I'll have the Salisbury steak. We serve that two ways, loose or in the pouch. In

the pouch.

That's a plastic pouch, right?

How are things going?

The mantle of authority ain't a snug fit on Daryl.

There's a whole new set of rules we have to live by.

He won't let us dry our underwear on the grill anymore.

face prints in the pudding and no more sleeve sniveling.

The last rule seems to particularly single Daryl out.

Well, you know, with every new administration, you know, there are

few changes.

Well, he's completely destroyed our social life. We'd come to visit you more

often, but we're not allowed to come over to the inn as much as we used to.

Really?

Sometimes changes can be good.

He won't let us cut loose like in the old days.

He's completely canceled our naked hour.

I know.

Joanna's kind of cut back on me, too.

Have you tried to reason with him?

There's no use.

He's become a prima Daryl, throwing his age around.

Nine months older, and he thinks he knows it all.

That's why we want you to talk to him.

Why would he listen to me?

Well, he is closer to your age now.

And I was gullible enough to listen to you.

Daryl, could I talk to you for a minute?

First of all, congrats on getting older.

And with age comes responsibility.

I know you feel that Larry and Daryl should...

should work more diligently, and they shouldn't dry their underwear on the

or visit the inn so much.

Why am I arguing against this?

But your brothers are a little upset, so I thought maybe you might lighten up.

Not about the inn.

You know, maybe let them have some fun.

Maybe, you know, give them a naked ten minutes.

I tried, guys.

The man's a rock.

That's the way, that's the way, uh -huh, I like it.

That's the way, uh -huh, uh -huh, I like it.

Pretty addictive, huh, Dick?

Uh -huh, uh -huh.

Dick, can I tell you something as a friend?

Sure, sure, George.

You really stink.

I was only fooling around. I mean it.

Your voice, your timing, the way you held the mic.

I got queasy, Dick.

George. I know this is hard to take, but as your friend, I think the best thing

to do is to come right out and tell the truth.

I mean, why should innocent people have to suffer?

George. But, Dick.

You really taught me something.

This machine is an accident waiting to happen. From now on, this baby is going

to stay locked up in my room.

Yeah, George?

I was trying to demonstrate that exact point.

Yeah, right, Dick.

Laughter.

prints in the pudding.

You were having childlike fun, weren't you?

Don't be pulling that past -your -bedtime stuff on us.

For all we know, you could have been sleeve -sniveling, too.

Well, you don't really want to be in charge, do you?

As the oldest brother, you're torn between your responsibility as the head

the family and your innate desire to frolic your head off.

Not everyone's cut out to be family sham.

Some of us are just meant to be pharaohs.

Fess up, Daryl. You miss the shenanigans as much as we do.

Then why can't we just go back to the way things were?

Damn. I wish I'd never found these birthing papers.

What is it, Daryl?

Something on the certificates?

That's peanut butter grease, and no, you can't have it.

Wait a minute.

Now I see what's put them birds in your skivvies.

This is your birth certificates, and this is Daryl's.

Daryl's not the oldest.

Daryl is.

How could I have gotten them mixed up?

What is it, Daryl?

You've had enough, haven't you?

The burden of leadership weighs heavy.

relinquishing your birthright to take charge and asking me to take over again?

Sometimes you just have to say okie -dokie to destiny.

Is that okay with you, Daryl?

you can lick his face, Daryl.

We're your typical American family again.