Original subtitles

No, I'm sorry we don't allow pets.

Yes, I just heard a sparky whimper, but... I'm not going to change my mind.

Well, same to you, lady.

Boy, do I have news!

What is it, George? I was just savoring the moment, Dick.

Dick, I found a rock.

George, you should have told me to sit down for this.

No, it's not just any rock.

It looks like a giant duck.

I was walking in Stony Ridge Woods near the stream when I saw it. It's something

I've been looking for all my life. A rock that looks like something.

And now I found it. A duck, Dick.

And the best part is when you find one of these, you get to name it.

How about, uh, uh, Duck Rock?

Well, I already thought of that, Dick, but I'm afraid people will hear it like,

Duck Rock!

It's not gonna be easy coming up with a name.

Now I know what God went through.

Great news, everybody.

Dick, you're the only one... I've told.

This news rated four oohs on the Stephanie Excitement Scale.

That's the most since... Well, never mind.

This guy right here, yours truly, has a network job interview.

So, Dick, what do you say?

Ooh!

I knew you'd be excited. I take off for Gotham tomorrow, and then my career

takes off.

Michael, I guess this is a big day for both of us. Really? What's going on with

you, George? I found a rock that looks like a duck.

Yeah, sounds like we're neck and neck.

What network would possibly want... How did this come about?

Well, this big programming honcho was on a ski weekend in Vermont, caught some

of my stuff on PIV and flipped his pancakes.

Yes, and now Michael and I get to go to New York and live happily ever after.

Well, Steph, I have to get the job first.

You will.

Well, good luck on the interview. Thanks, Dick.

I think I'll do just fine. I've been boning up on my buzzwords. You know,

fit right in with this web guy.

Web guy?

Network exec.

All I have to do is work audience flow and confab, power breakfast into the

conversation, and that job's mine. Well, I'd hate to be a fly on the wall in

that office.

Mr. Taylor will be right with you. Can I get you anything?

How about the job?

Wow, an actual network scheduling board.

Network Award?

I just want to thank everyone who had...

Are

you Michael Harris?

Ah, that depends.

On what? On whether this was broken before or not.

Don't worry, it was.

I would have sent it back to the Academy, but I didn't want to give them

chance to have any second thoughts.

It's an honor to meet you, Mr. Taylor, Vice President of Current Programs.

You don't have to be quite so formal. Oh, well, I heard you guys really get

on hearing your titles.

It's all right, really.

Oh, I made a couple of changes.

So I noticed.

And don't worry, I'll remember what they were.

but glancing at the ratings on your desk, and may I say congratulations, you

really creamed that chuffa -chuffa news special last night.

I feel kind of bad about that. I watched that news special. It was good.

I wish more people had seen it.

Don't worry. I won't leave this room.

Michael, why don't you tell me a little about yourself?

Could I tell you a lot about myself instead?

Well, I'm young, I'm eager, and boyishly handsome, or so I'm told. And, well,

uh, I've always wanted to be a web exec.

A what?

A network executive.

Oh, right.

And believe me, if it turns out you're my boss, I'll suck up to you like

nobody's business.

I wouldn't want you to do that.

Are you sure? I'm good at it.

What interested me about you is that you seem to be quite a good TV producer.

Based on the Vermont Today I saw.

You are the producer of Vermont Today.

Right -a -rooney.

I don't have a lot to work with up there, but I have done some shows that

pretty proud of.

I should think you'd be very proud of the Vermont Today you did with that 90

-year -old Indian woman.

Really?

Actually, I didn't pay a whole lot of attention to that one, but did you see

one where we had the belly dancer doing a cooking demonstration?

I'd say that added a little spice to the recipe.

No, I didn't see that one. Well, I could get a copy for you if I can get the

original back from the crew.

Actually, Michael, if you could do another show, like the one with the

woman, I just might be able to find a place for you here. Wow. Would I get my

own board?

We can always use someone who can bring intelligence, warmth, and human values

to television.

Now, let me get this straight. You're saying you want that stuff?

Yes, very much.

Then I'm your man.

Oh, George, how'd it go? Do you have

a name for your rock formation?

No, nobody else on the rock naming committee thought it looked like a duck.

Joanna, you should see it. It looks like President Coolidge with a crew cut.

No, it doesn't. It looks like a moose.

James, why don't you just admit it looks like a scrunched up tube of toothpaste?

What do you think it looked like, honey?

Wait till you hear this.

I think it looked like a rock.

Some imagination, huh?

Dick, since you didn't see anything at all, you're off the committee.

And George, I'm afraid we can't officially name the rock unless at least

people agree on what it looks like.

We could get in serious trouble.

From whom?

Dick, aren't you forgetting you're off the committee?

Sure seems like it.

I'm sorry, George. If you get any new ideas about what it looks like, you'll

us know.

I still see if you would have squinted your eyes like I told you, you would

seen the toothpaste.

All I can say is I'm going to keep going out there till we get an official name

for that rock.

You'll let me know if this starts affecting my work, right, Dick?

Oh, yeah.

Dick, why couldn't you just have agreed with George that it looked like a duck?

Joanna, I have to call him like I see him.

Michael!

Michael, when I kiss you, you're supposed to kiss me back.

I'm sorry, Steph. I can't kiss and pout at the same time.

How was the interview?

Horrible. I didn't even get to use any of my buzzwords.

It's not my fault, Steph. There's a strange new thinking at the network that

frightens me.

They're looking for quality programs.

That is scary.

Yeah. It's almost like they're thinking art is more important than ratings.

All my life, I wanted to be a network executive, and then something like this

happens. You know, strange, sick -thinking people get into power.

Steph, I think this is where you're supposed to try and console me.

get to go to New York and live in my natural habitat.

You're right. Dick, what say you console the both of us?

What say no?

I'm never going to get out of this town.

Oh, come on, Michael. Nobody wants that.

I'll live here year after year and pretty soon I'll become like George.

And I'll wear plaid shirts and overalls with those pockets with the tools in

them and I'll dedicate my life to puttering.

Michael! Well, Steph, there's no future for me in television if all they want is

good stuff.

So do good stuff.

Huh? We do quality shows, right, Dick?

Well... Do you mean that, Dick? All I said was well.

Yeah, but it's better than a flat -out no.

Well... You said it again.

You must really believe it.

Thanks for the confidence, Dick. That's all I need. If it's quality they want,

it's quality they're going to get. I'm going to become Mr. Quality.

I'm going to show that network honcho, and then I'm going to be a network

honcho. And I'm never going to be you.

So, what are we doing tomorrow, Michael?

Well, we've got the Museum of Natural History, followed by a night at the

The Marx Brothers?

No, paparotti -shaped men.

Michael, if we keep up this quality stuff, is it going to change what made

great in the first place?

Don't worry, Steph. This newfound depth is only skin deep.

And you know, Dick, I think I finally got a handle on this quality thing.

What do you say we go over a couple of my ideas for what will most likely be my

last Vermont today?

Well, with a...

An incentive like that.

First off, Dick, I thought we'd trash the old Vermont Today theme and go with

something classical.

Well, that sounds okay.

I bought this classical cassette, and I think I found just the right selection.

You know, people keep

talking about these classical composers like they were highbrow artists.

But listen to this.

Obviously, all they were thinking about back then was dance, dance, dance.

Michael, that's not the way that's really supposed to sound.

You mean there's another version?

Yes. Well, sounds like another case of the remake being better than the

original.

Anyway, then I thought I'd have you introduced by a group of local

Michael. Wait, Dick, here's the twist. They're cheering in Latin.

Give me an E. Give me a pluribus.

And then you come on and tell this joke.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and Vivaldi go into a bar?

Dick, aren't you curious what happens to that trio?

Michael, I don't think you have a handle on this quality thing yet.

You're not serious.

Michael, you can't slap a quality element on a sloppy idea and expect to

with a quality show.

How come?

Michael, all you need for a quality show is an interesting guest and the right

questions. I mean, it can be anywhere from an astronomer talking about the

mysteries of the universe to a kid explaining what he wants to be when he

up.

Dick, I think I've got the secret.

When I start to lose interest, that means it's good.

Michael, if that works for you... Oh, Dick, thanks. All I gotta do is go out

there, find a guest who bores me silly, and I've got my showcase show.

Sorry, George.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

What did you think it looked like?

A bowl of fruit.

Boy, this town wouldn't have a prayer on the match game.

Why didn't you just say it looked like a duck?

Well, I wanted to, but what George thought was the duck's head, to me,

just like a pear.

Sorry, George.

Hey, either you see the webbed feet or you don't.

You know, I'm starting to wish I'd never found that duck fruit coolidge

toothpaste rock.

That doesn't have a ring to it, does it?

Uh, George, maybe you ought to call it Changing Rock.

Dick, that's it!

Changing Rock!

Joanna!

Oh, I think it's beneficial to the constituency to be able to hear me in

kind of forum.

And don't worry, I promise I won't turn it into a filibuster.

Well,

Dick, the senator guy seems like the perfect quality guest.

Not only does he bore me, Philly, but so far I haven't understood a word he

said.

Senator Wells, it's a pleasure. Same here.

Michael?

Senator Wells is a great choice. It's going to be a great show.

Now, did you tell the announcer to lose the phony British accent?

Yeah.

But I still think it wouldn't hurt for you to let me just add a little gray to

your temple.

Michael, you don't need that.

You've got quality people. It's going to be a quality show.

Well, thank you, Senator Wells, and thank you for watching Vermont Today.

And thank you. That was about the best interview I've ever had. And I have been

interviewed by all the top newsmen.

Feel free to mention that on the Senate floor.

Dick, congratulations.

That was a great half hour of television.

Where's Michael? He's got to be ecstatic about this show. I don't know. He left.

He left during the show?

Come on, Dick, it's not that unusual.

I've wanted to leave plenty of times.

Did he say where he was going?

Someone heard him say, nowhere.

Michael?

Don't you mean George?

Michael, why'd you leave?

You got your quality show.

It's one of the best Vermont Todays we've ever done.

Don't you mean you've ever done?

Michael, you produced it.

Come on, Dick, you did it all.

The only question you used of mine was, as a grown man, does it feel weird being

on recess?

I don't know, it turned out kind of cute.

Right.

But I thought it was deep.

Come on, Dick, the best thing you can say about my contribution to today's

is that I didn't ruin it.

Michael, a few days ago, you were satisfied with wealth.

Let's face it.

I can't do quality. I don't have any instinct for it. I don't... I don't even

like it.

I mean, it would be morally wrong for me to take the job.

Besides, I could probably only bluff them a couple of days before they can

And to be honest, I... I don't think I could ever really be happy doing a show

that didn't have a catchy theme song that explained the premise.

So, there goes my shot at the big time.

You know, I always wanted to go out in the world and make my mark, but I... I

guess this is it. I guess this is as far as I make it.

Well, I mean, is this so bad?

I think I'd always consider myself a failure if I stayed here.

See this?

My first official act as handyman was to take down my short -term, long -term

goal board.

You want it?

Michael, you'll still have goals.

Right. Maybe I could cross out, run CBS, and write, get overalls.

Michael, you're young. It was just one interview.

Sometimes that's all you get, Dick.

You know...

I always loved TV. I mean, it was always there for me. Those times when I didn't

have a lot of friends or a special girlfriend, TV always provided them for

My father used to say it was a vast wasteland.

But to me, it had it all.

And I guess I just really always wanted to be a part of it.

Now I never will be.

Michael, I think you're missing an important fact here.

Your kind of shows, the shows that you like, are going to come back.

You're just saying that to make me feel better.

No, no, no, I'm not.

Television always runs in cycles.

Remember back in the 70s, that great lineup, All in the Family, MASH, Mary

Moore, the Carol Burnett show. Dick, don't remind me.

How about that show with the shrink who stuttered?

Dammit. But, Michael, what came on after that a few years later?

Think. A better clue would be don't think.

Three's Company.

Right. What else?

Manimal.

Super Train.

Sheriff Lobo.

Hello, Larry.

Yeah!

This stupid golden age of television can't last forever, and when it's over,

I'll be there, leading the way.

Michael, I don't doubt it.

Oh, Dick, thanks.

Don't thank me.

You're right.

Maybe I should thank the American people.

But I should thank you, too. I mean, you didn't have to come over here.

You know, with friends like you, maybe this wouldn't be such a bad place to

after all.

Michael, I think you forgot something.

Besides, you'd make a bad George.

I feel like celebrating.

Would you join me, Dick? Sure. Where do you want to go? Well, how about in front

of the TV?

Meow.