All language subtitles for newhart_s05e22_harris_ankles_piv_for_web_post

No, I'm sorry we don't allow pets.

Yes, I just heard a sparky whimper,
but... I'm not going to change my mind.

Well, same to you, lady.

Boy, do I have news!

What is it, George? I was just savoring
the moment, Dick.

Dick, I found a rock.

George, you should have told me to sit
down for this.

No, it's not just any rock.

It looks like a giant duck.

I was walking in Stony Ridge Woods near
the stream when I saw it. It's something

I've been looking for all my life. A
rock that looks like something.

And now I found it. A duck, Dick.

And the best part is when you find one
of these, you get to name it.

How about, uh, uh, Duck Rock?

Well, I already thought of that, Dick,
but I'm afraid people will hear it like,

Duck Rock!

It's not gonna be easy coming up with a
name.

Now I know what God went through.

Great news, everybody.

Dick, you're the only one... I've told.

This news rated four oohs on the
Stephanie Excitement Scale.

That's the most since... Well, never
mind.

This guy right here, yours truly, has a
network job interview.

So, Dick, what do you say?

Ooh!

I knew you'd be excited. I take off for
Gotham tomorrow, and then my career

takes off.

Michael, I guess this is a big day for
both of us. Really? What's going on with

you, George? I found a rock that looks
like a duck.

Yeah, sounds like we're neck and neck.

What network would possibly want... How
did this come about?

Well, this big programming honcho was on
a ski weekend in Vermont, caught some

of my stuff on PIV and flipped his
pancakes.

Yes, and now Michael and I get to go to
New York and live happily ever after.

Well, Steph, I have to get the job
first.

You will.

Well, good luck on the interview.
Thanks, Dick.

I think I'll do just fine. I've been
boning up on my buzzwords. You know,

fit right in with this web guy.

Web guy?

Network exec.

All I have to do is work audience flow
and confab, power breakfast into the

conversation, and that job's mine. Well,
I'd hate to be a fly on the wall in

that office.

Mr. Taylor will be right with you. Can I
get you anything?

How about the job?

Wow, an actual network scheduling board.

Network Award?

I just want to thank everyone who had...

Are

you Michael Harris?

Ah, that depends.

On what? On whether this was broken
before or not.

Don't worry, it was.

I would have sent it back to the
Academy, but I didn't want to give them

chance to have any second thoughts.

It's an honor to meet you, Mr. Taylor,
Vice President of Current Programs.

You don't have to be quite so formal.
Oh, well, I heard you guys really get

on hearing your titles.

It's all right, really.

Oh, I made a couple of changes.

So I noticed.

And don't worry, I'll remember what they
were.

but glancing at the ratings on your
desk, and may I say congratulations, you

really creamed that chuffa -chuffa news
special last night.

I feel kind of bad about that. I watched
that news special. It was good.

I wish more people had seen it.

Don't worry. I won't leave this room.

Michael, why don't you tell me a little
about yourself?

Could I tell you a lot about myself
instead?

Well, I'm young, I'm eager, and boyishly
handsome, or so I'm told. And, well,

uh, I've always wanted to be a web exec.

A what?

A network executive.

Oh, right.

And believe me, if it turns out you're
my boss, I'll suck up to you like

nobody's business.

I wouldn't want you to do that.

Are you sure? I'm good at it.

What interested me about you is that you
seem to be quite a good TV producer.

Based on the Vermont Today I saw.

You are the producer of Vermont Today.

Right -a -rooney.

I don't have a lot to work with up
there, but I have done some shows that

pretty proud of.

I should think you'd be very proud of
the Vermont Today you did with that 90

-year -old Indian woman.

Really?

Actually, I didn't pay a whole lot of
attention to that one, but did you see

one where we had the belly dancer doing
a cooking demonstration?

I'd say that added a little spice to the
recipe.

No, I didn't see that one. Well, I could
get a copy for you if I can get the

original back from the crew.

Actually, Michael, if you could do
another show, like the one with the

woman, I just might be able to find a
place for you here. Wow. Would I get my

own board?

We can always use someone who can bring
intelligence, warmth, and human values

to television.

Now, let me get this straight. You're
saying you want that stuff?

Yes, very much.

Then I'm your man.

Oh, George, how'd it go? Do you have

a name for your rock formation?

No, nobody else on the rock naming
committee thought it looked like a duck.

Joanna, you should see it. It looks like
President Coolidge with a crew cut.

No, it doesn't. It looks like a moose.

James, why don't you just admit it looks
like a scrunched up tube of toothpaste?

What do you think it looked like, honey?

Wait till you hear this.

I think it looked like a rock.

Some imagination, huh?

Dick, since you didn't see anything at
all, you're off the committee.

And George, I'm afraid we can't
officially name the rock unless at least

people agree on what it looks like.

We could get in serious trouble.

From whom?

Dick, aren't you forgetting you're off
the committee?

Sure seems like it.

I'm sorry, George. If you get any new
ideas about what it looks like, you'll

us know.

I still see if you would have squinted
your eyes like I told you, you would

seen the toothpaste.

All I can say is I'm going to keep going
out there till we get an official name

for that rock.

You'll let me know if this starts
affecting my work, right, Dick?

Oh, yeah.

Dick, why couldn't you just have agreed
with George that it looked like a duck?

Joanna, I have to call him like I see
him.

Michael!

Michael, when I kiss you, you're
supposed to kiss me back.

I'm sorry, Steph. I can't kiss and pout
at the same time.

How was the interview?

Horrible. I didn't even get to use any
of my buzzwords.

It's not my fault, Steph. There's a
strange new thinking at the network that

frightens me.

They're looking for quality programs.

That is scary.

Yeah. It's almost like they're thinking
art is more important than ratings.

All my life, I wanted to be a network
executive, and then something like this

happens. You know, strange, sick
-thinking people get into power.

Steph, I think this is where you're
supposed to try and console me.

get to go to New York and live in my
natural habitat.

You're right. Dick, what say you console
the both of us?

What say no?

I'm never going to get out of this town.

Oh, come on, Michael. Nobody wants that.

I'll live here year after year and
pretty soon I'll become like George.

And I'll wear plaid shirts and overalls
with those pockets with the tools in

them and I'll dedicate my life to
puttering.

Michael! Well, Steph, there's no future
for me in television if all they want is

good stuff.

So do good stuff.

Huh? We do quality shows, right, Dick?

Well... Do you mean that, Dick? All I
said was well.

Yeah, but it's better than a flat -out
no.

Well... You said it again.

You must really believe it.

Thanks for the confidence, Dick. That's
all I need. If it's quality they want,

it's quality they're going to get. I'm
going to become Mr. Quality.

I'm going to show that network honcho,
and then I'm going to be a network

honcho. And I'm never going to be you.

So, what are we doing tomorrow, Michael?

Well, we've got the Museum of Natural
History, followed by a night at the

The Marx Brothers?

No, paparotti -shaped men.

Michael, if we keep up this quality
stuff, is it going to change what made

great in the first place?

Don't worry, Steph. This newfound depth
is only skin deep.

And you know, Dick, I think I finally
got a handle on this quality thing.

What do you say we go over a couple of
my ideas for what will most likely be my

last Vermont today?

Well, with a...

An incentive like that.

First off, Dick, I thought we'd trash
the old Vermont Today theme and go with

something classical.

Well, that sounds okay.

I bought this classical cassette, and I
think I found just the right selection.

You know, people keep

talking about these classical composers
like they were highbrow artists.

But listen to this.

Obviously, all they were thinking about
back then was dance, dance, dance.

Michael, that's not the way that's
really supposed to sound.

You mean there's another version?

Yes. Well, sounds like another case of
the remake being better than the

original.

Anyway, then I thought I'd have you
introduced by a group of local

Michael. Wait, Dick, here's the twist.
They're cheering in Latin.

Give me an E. Give me a pluribus.

And then you come on and tell this joke.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and Vivaldi
go into a bar?

Dick, aren't you curious what happens to
that trio?

Michael, I don't think you have a handle
on this quality thing yet.

You're not serious.

Michael, you can't slap a quality
element on a sloppy idea and expect to

with a quality show.

How come?

Michael, all you need for a quality show
is an interesting guest and the right

questions. I mean, it can be anywhere
from an astronomer talking about the

mysteries of the universe to a kid
explaining what he wants to be when he

up.

Dick, I think I've got the secret.

When I start to lose interest, that
means it's good.

Michael, if that works for you... Oh,
Dick, thanks. All I gotta do is go out

there, find a guest who bores me silly,
and I've got my showcase show.

Sorry, George.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

What did you think it looked like?

A bowl of fruit.

Boy, this town wouldn't have a prayer on
the match game.

Why didn't you just say it looked like a
duck?

Well, I wanted to, but what George
thought was the duck's head, to me,

just like a pear.

Sorry, George.

Hey, either you see the webbed feet or
you don't.

You know, I'm starting to wish I'd never
found that duck fruit coolidge

toothpaste rock.

That doesn't have a ring to it, does it?

Uh, George, maybe you ought to call it
Changing Rock.

Dick, that's it!

Changing Rock!

Joanna!

Oh, I think it's beneficial to the
constituency to be able to hear me in

kind of forum.

And don't worry, I promise I won't turn
it into a filibuster.

Well,

Dick, the senator guy seems like the
perfect quality guest.

Not only does he bore me, Philly, but so
far I haven't understood a word he

said.

Senator Wells, it's a pleasure. Same
here.

Michael?

Senator Wells is a great choice. It's
going to be a great show.

Now, did you tell the announcer to lose
the phony British accent?

Yeah.

But I still think it wouldn't hurt for
you to let me just add a little gray to

your temple.

Michael, you don't need that.

You've got quality people. It's going to
be a quality show.

Well, thank you, Senator Wells, and
thank you for watching Vermont Today.

And thank you. That was about the best
interview I've ever had. And I have been

interviewed by all the top newsmen.

Feel free to mention that on the Senate
floor.

Dick, congratulations.

That was a great half hour of
television.

Where's Michael? He's got to be ecstatic
about this show. I don't know. He left.

He left during the show?

Come on, Dick, it's not that unusual.

I've wanted to leave plenty of times.

Did he say where he was going?

Someone heard him say, nowhere.

Michael?

Don't you mean George?

Michael, why'd you leave?

You got your quality show.

It's one of the best Vermont Todays
we've ever done.

Don't you mean you've ever done?

Michael, you produced it.

Come on, Dick, you did it all.

The only question you used of mine was,
as a grown man, does it feel weird being

on recess?

I don't know, it turned out kind of
cute.

Right.

But I thought it was deep.

Come on, Dick, the best thing you can
say about my contribution to today's

is that I didn't ruin it.

Michael, a few days ago, you were
satisfied with wealth.

Let's face it.

I can't do quality. I don't have any
instinct for it. I don't... I don't even

like it.

I mean, it would be morally wrong for me
to take the job.

Besides, I could probably only bluff
them a couple of days before they can

And to be honest, I... I don't think I
could ever really be happy doing a show

that didn't have a catchy theme song
that explained the premise.

So, there goes my shot at the big time.

You know, I always wanted to go out in
the world and make my mark, but I... I

guess this is it. I guess this is as far
as I make it.

Well, I mean, is this so bad?

I think I'd always consider myself a
failure if I stayed here.

See this?

My first official act as handyman was to
take down my short -term, long -term

goal board.

You want it?

Michael, you'll still have goals.

Right. Maybe I could cross out, run CBS,
and write, get overalls.

Michael, you're young. It was just one
interview.

Sometimes that's all you get, Dick.

You know...

I always loved TV. I mean, it was always
there for me. Those times when I didn't

have a lot of friends or a special
girlfriend, TV always provided them for

My father used to say it was a vast
wasteland.

But to me, it had it all.

And I guess I just really always wanted
to be a part of it.

Now I never will be.

Michael, I think you're missing an
important fact here.

Your kind of shows, the shows that you
like, are going to come back.

You're just saying that to make me feel
better.

No, no, no, I'm not.

Television always runs in cycles.

Remember back in the 70s, that great
lineup, All in the Family, MASH, Mary

Moore, the Carol Burnett show. Dick,
don't remind me.

How about that show with the shrink who
stuttered?

Dammit. But, Michael, what came on after
that a few years later?

Think. A better clue would be don't
think.

Three's Company.

Right. What else?

Manimal.

Super Train.

Sheriff Lobo.

Hello, Larry.

Yeah!

This stupid golden age of television
can't last forever, and when it's over,

I'll be there, leading the way.

Michael, I don't doubt it.

Oh, Dick, thanks.

Don't thank me.

You're right.

Maybe I should thank the American
people.

But I should thank you, too. I mean, you
didn't have to come over here.

You know, with friends like you, maybe
this wouldn't be such a bad place to

after all.

Michael, I think you forgot something.

Besides, you'd make a bad George.

I feel like celebrating.

Would you join me, Dick? Sure. Where do
you want to go? Well, how about in front

of the TV?

Meow.