Original subtitles

Joanna, this is ridiculous.

You can't still be mad at me over this.

I can still, and there's no way you're going to stop me.

Well, this whole thing was your own fault.

It was not. It was true.

It was not. It was true. It was not. Touch black. Can't take it back.

Joanna, we're two adults having a disagreement.

Do you think we could solve this like two adults?

Fine with me.

That's more like it.

I create no room in my own inn.

Hello, hello, Mr.

Henderson. Dick, Dick Loudon.

Listen, we're full tonight, and I was wondering if you had a room.

No, no, it's not for a guest. It's for me.

No, not me and Joanna, just me.

No, no, it's not what you think.

Actually, it is what you think.

Look,

I find these things...

Kind of embarrassing, and I'd appreciate it if you could, you know, just keep

this to yourself.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Anderson.

You know, it's usually polite to tell someone that you're listening on the

extension.

Listen, do you have a room for me?

You're full.

Yes, yes, I know it's a busy time of the year.

Mr. Henderson, couldn't you have told me that a little earlier?

Good night.

Did my widow step in where we have a good time tonight?

She certainly did, Mikey.

Oh, my God, they're worse when they're alone.

Dick! What are you doing here?

Spying on us in the dark.

He heard us doing our cute baby talk.

Try to get some cheap thrills from young love, Dick?

No, not wheelie.

Just trying to get some sleep. Then why aren't you up in your room with Joanne?

Oh.

You want to talk about it? No.

Oh, then it must be good.

Look, I don't want to discuss it.

But this is just so upsetting. I mean, you two are always the model. Mr. and

Mrs. Apple Pie America.

But if this is it, all I can say is first thing tomorrow, withdraw all the

savings, find a good mouthpiece, and come out suing.

Not that that's the way I would handle it.

Michael, it isn't that serious.

I know.

We'll guess what happened and we'll see it in his eyes when we guess right.

Let's see.

Joanna wanted to change her hairstyle and you yelled at her.

Joanna asked for some money to buy a new dress and you yelled at her.

Joanna bought you a suit you didn't like and you yelled at her.

How come I'm the heavy?

Come on, Dick. Joanna, do something bad to you. Get real.

Look, you're not going to get, so just let me get some sleep.

All right.

I think I understand.

Oh.

Boy, am I tired. I think I'll go to bed.

Night. Nighty -night, Steph.

Okay, Dick, the chick's gone. Now you can spill your guts ombre to ombre.

Michael, my guts are going to stay where they belong.

Come on, Dick, you can tell me. Is it a town girl?

Go away, Michael. Oh, thanks a lot, Dick.

I guess I jettisoned my date early for nothing.

And I thought I had troubles.

Well, look, Dick, even though you won't un -Velcro those lips, I'll show you

what kind of friend I am.

You can have a bed in my apartment instead of this pitiful couch.

Well, anything is better than this.

Sorry, Dick, tonight's kind of impossible because of short notice.

But it's a firm offer. And if you decide to take it, just, you know, call first

to make sure that it's convenient.

What a pal.

It is so beautiful out there at noon.

I don't know why we took so long to come up here.

Maybe a vagrant.

I'm not a vagrant. I checked you in, Dick Loudon. How come you're sleeping

here? Yeah, don't you and your wife have your own room up?

Got the boot, huh?

Want to talk about it?

No offense, but I don't know you.

I think you'll find that men are men all over the world, Dick.

How about if I left?

No, no, that's all right. Just let me get some sleep.

Certainly. We understand.

You're reading?

Uh -huh.

You know, it's...

It's kind of late.

Probably time to get some sleep.

We're sort of night people, Dick.

Couldn't you be night people in your room?

This is a beautiful inn, Dick, but our room's rather small and cramped. You get

the feeling that things are closing in around you.

I can relate to that.

The, uh... The stars outside are beautiful.

Dick, please, we're trying to read here.

I was wondering if I could spend the night here, George.

Why are you wondering that, Dick?

Well, you know, we haven't seen each other lately.

But why would you just leave Joanna and...

Why does every human being on Earth make the same sound?

You want to talk about it? No.

I'm sorry, George, but I've been getting a lot of that lately. Oh, that's okay,

Dick. I mean, it would be kind of stupid for me to give you advice on how to

keep a woman when... Well... So I

can stay? Of course.

Gee, Dick.

I can't imagine you and Joanna apart.

I mean, which one will get the inn?

Or will you just sell it?

And will the new owners want me as a handyman?

And will I like them?

My life is falling apart.

I'm sure Joanna and I will make up tomorrow.

You'd do that for me?

George, it wasn't that big a fight.

Oh.

Then it's really great having you here, Dick.

What do you want to do? Play checkers?

Dominoes? Cards? Or just go a little nuts?

George, could we just go to sleep?

Gee, that's what I always do.

But you are the guest.

Which side of the bed do you want?

Either side is fine.

Well, one side has a lump, but it is closer to the stove.

Which side do you normally sleep on, George? Well, I usually start out near

stove, but then the lump starts to bother me, so I move to the other side.

But then I get cold, so I move back to the lump side.

I'll tell you what, George. Why don't I just take the lump side?

Yeah, it is a cold night.

Okay, then I'll take the cold side, George.

Wow.

I've never not been able to escape the lump before.

I tell you what, George. Why don't we flip the mattress over, and then the

side will be on the bottom.

Great idea, Dick.

I should have had you sleep over years ago.

Let's do it, George.

Actually, I'd like to sleep on the lump one more night, just for old times'

sake.

You got it, big guy.

Good night, Dick.

Good night, George.

Gee, Dick, I can't help wondering.

What bad thing did you do to Joanna?

Did you yell at her?

George, we were... We were both a little at fault.

Yeah, right, Dick.

Good night, George.

George? Bullpenhammer.

George?

Uh -huh?

Were you sleeping?

Yeah, I thought that's what we decided to do.

You were talking in your sleep, George.

Oh, what was I talking about, Dick?

Mostly handyman stuff, George.

Yep, that was probably me.

I'm sure I'll get used to it in a few minutes.

Can I stay with you tonight?

Okay, with me.

I think I'll go home.

Wait, we understand.

We usually avoid showing this room to people because of the jealousy and envy

would no doubt instill.

I know in my whole life I'll never have a room

like this.

Decorating was quite a challenge with Daryl being fond of colonial.

Daryl prefer an art deco and me being partial to a big mess.

It seems like a big mess seems to dominate.

Excuse us, but that was quite an amusing faux pas.

Huh? The mat is for wiping your feet when you leave.

We don't like to track dirt outside.

I'm such a yokel.

Now, the tough question.

Which one of us do you get to bunk with?

Colonial? Deco?

Miss?

Oh, that's right. We do have that there fold -up bit.

Why don't...

Why don't I go with that?

If you don't mind, we're burning with curiosity as to why you're here.

Miss Joanna out of town or something?

No.

But then what?

Oh.

Larry, I really don't want to talk about it.

Okay.

Though we are wondering what nasty thing you've done to her.

I think I'll sleep flat tonight.

Okay, but in our opinion, you're ignoring the best feature of the bed.

Okay, everybody tucked in?

thoughtless of me. Daryl, share your lard with our guests.

Gee,

you don't seem to be into any of the traditional nighttime rituals.

Well, I'm kind of a weird egg.

I guess we should segue right into story time.

Can't we segue into sleep time?

story. Well, we got The Frog Prince, Rapunzel, or excerpts from Freud, The

Puberty Years.

There we have a guest.

You can't just shove The Frog Prince down his throat without asking.

The Frog Prince is great.

Especially the condensed version.

I'll try to just cover the bare bones of the story.

Once upon a time, There was a very handsome prince who inadvertently picked

a very powerful witch.

In response, the witch hit him with a major spill, which turned the prince

a slimy horny toad, which seriously inhibited his ability to get girls.

But there was one beautiful princess who didn't think frogs were so gross.

In fact, she became so attached to the little slime ball that one day she

actually bent down to give him a kiss.

A kiss that would remove the evil spell and unite them forever.

But just before her lips made contact, a 900 -pound grizzly leapt from the woods

and swallowed the frog whole.

The princess managed to escape with minor cuts and bruises.

The end.

Wait, wait, that isn't the way it goes.

Well, they've heard it the other way over a hundred times.

Daryl demands new and surprising story twists.

Well, I know that ending will make me sleep better.

Now, all we have are our prayers.

We pray that our guest works things out with his missus and that he's not a

crazed maniac who will murder us as we sleep.

Do you sleep with the light on?

Uh, no.

Uh, guys?

For a change, let's go with the light.

Hi.

Look, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

I overreacted. So did I. Well, honey, let's not ever fight like that again. I

really missed you. Honey, not as much as I missed you.

Where did you sleep?

It's going to be years before I'm able to talk about it.

Come here, you.

Honey,

we...

We seem to be drawing a crowd. Come on in.

You too.

So you made up?

Yeah.

Well,

how did you know we were fighting? Dick hates to let people know those things.

Believe me, this time it got out.

But he still wouldn't tell us what the fight was about.

But now that it's over, you have to. Do not.

Please tell us. Not no one has caused some friction in our own family.

Daryl thinks it was over the household budget, but Daryl thinks it was a town

girl.

All right, all right already, I'll tell you.

Joanna made some cucumber soup for dinner, and I refused to eat it.

Is it just me, or is that really boring?

I think we've just experienced an anti -climax.

Well, got us worried over nothing. Nice guy, Dick.

Over nothing?

I hate cucumber soup.

And I spent the whole day making it for him.

Knowing how much I hate cucumbers.

But you never tasted them in soup.

I don't want to taste him in soup. I want him up the face of the earth.

I worked all day. He promised he'd try it, and he didn't. I didn't promise.

Once, a long time ago, I said, if the timing were right and I was in the mood

that I might try soup with cucumbers in it.

And then she springs it on me.

You could have at least tried it.

I ever do anything for you again.

Over nothing, huh?

Well, when you two do it.

Come on, Daryl, let's go unfold his beard.

Looks like we're going to have company for who knows how long.