All language subtitles for newhart_s05e15_its_my_party_and_ill_die_if_i_want_to

Grab onto your Samsonites, everybody.

Guess where we're all going.

Michael, it's my family I get to tell.
You can tell about your family if they

ever do anything.

Saturday night is the birthday of my
very special cousin, Ned Vanderkellen.

He's celebrating his 100th birthday, and
you're invited to the party. You never

told us you had a 100 -year -old
relative.

Well, he used to just be 99.

Well, it's nice you're throwing a big
party for me. So can we consider you all

RSVP'd? Of course. They're thrilled.

You're really going to like Cousin Ned a
lot. I do, and I'm a pretty tough judge

of old people.

I generally don't like to talk to anyone
whose teeth may come out.

I remember on my fifth birthday, Ned
took me to the circus.

Everybody else bought me lots of
expensive gifts and stuff, but Ned is

one who ever took me anyplace.

Aw, that must have been fun.

No, I hated the circus.

It was dirty and sticky and there were
smells.

But Ned made up for it by buying me lots
of expensive gifts and stuff.

Look, honey.

Goosebumps.

Come on, Michael. We have to start
thinking about a gift for Cousin Ned.

what do you give a hundred -year -old
millionaire?

I got it. How about a spanking new son?

Dick, do you really think that...

We should go to a party for somebody we
don't even know?

Honey, this is different. This is a
chance to talk to a part of history.

I mean, Ned may have seen Babe Ruth
while he was still a pitcher, or he may

seen Sarah Bernhardt act, or Caruso
sing. Or had pie with Einstein.

Look at him, honey. He's 100 years old,
and he's so spry.

What exactly does spry mean, anyway?

You know, uh... Like that guy.

Oh, there you are, Loudon.

Hey, have you met the guest of honor
yet?

Not yet. I'm looking forward to talking
to him. He must have some fascinating

stories. Oh, you love Cousin Ned. One
hundred years of age, and he's still

active in his career.

That's amazing.

What does he do?

He's a sewer.

He sues people.

That's how he made his fortune?

Exactly. He started with nothing more
than a sprained ankle and sued his way

right up to the top.

He'll sue anybody, anywhere, anytime.

Come on, introduce you.

Is he still active in his career?

Don't worry, Loudon. He won't go after
you. You're small potatoes.

Cousin Ned, this is Dick Loudon. That's
Dick Small Potatoes Loudon.

Hi. I'm Mrs.

Potatoes.

Well, if you'll excuse us, we have some
hosting to attend to.

I've really been looking forward to
meeting you.

I'm a history buff.

And you?

You've lived through some interesting
times.

Yes.

For instance, what was it like growing
up at the turn of the century?

It was okay.

How about that?

And then there was the depression.

Awful business.

Nothing like a first -hand account.

What did you think about Pearl Harbor?

Weren't you alive then?

Yes, yes, I guess I was.

Well, how did you feel about it?

I was pretty upset.

Me too.

Maybe I'm asking the wrong questions,
but I mean, you know, you've lived a

hundred years. There must be something
you can tell me.

Your wife has great hooters.

What?

What did he say, honey?

He said you're no small potatoes.

Hi, Ned.

George Utley.

Did you ever have pie with Einstein?

No. But I did have pie in the White
House with Hoover.

You did? Wow.

I want to hear all about it. What kind
of pie?

Rhubarb.

I'll never forget it. It was piping hot.

I took one bite and I said, Mr.
President, I just burned the roof of my

You're going to hear from my lawyers.

Wow.

What kind of crust.

So, Steph, how do I look? Like a million
bucks.

Well, I'm going to have to do a lot
better than that for this room.

Boy. Once you get that guy going, you
just can't shut him up.

Stephanie, are you having fun?

Uh -huh.

Cousin Ned, pick one.

That's the one with the kiss in it.

I never guessed wrong yet.

Cousin Ned, remember that special
someone I told you I wanted you to meet?

Yes. Where is he?

He's right here.

Oh.

I'm Michael Harrod. Steph's told me a
lot about you.

So, what kind of advice would you give a
fresh -faced young kid who's trying to

get a toehold in the Sioux game?

Oh, I say, Loudon, maybe you can help me
out.

What is it?

The delivery boy just brought in the
cake, and I don't have anything on me to

tip him with. I hate to ask you, but the
rest of us never carry cash.

Well, sure, I'll be glad to help out.
Remember, I'm a millionaire.

Tip big.

How's 50?

That's very generous, Loudon. Thank you.
I'll get you later.

Fifty dollars?

Honey, the man's a millionaire.

All right, gather round. Gather round,
everybody.

We gather round for the singing and the
blowing out the candles bit.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday,
dear Ned.

Happy birthday to you.

Speak, speak.

Speak. Ned.

Ned. Ned?

Oh, my God.

Ned is dead.

Well, that couldn't have been his wench.

Excuse me. I'm from the coroner's
office. I have some forms to fill out

You know, name, age of the deceased.

Well, we're not relatives. Would you
like me to get one?

No, no. That's okay. I'll just get the
information off the cake.

I really feel odd about being here.

Honey, we can't just go to the party and
not stay for the funeral.

Bummer party.

Yeah, I hardly knew Ned.

I wish I could have met him a few hours
earlier.

You know, I was talking to him just
minutes before it happened.

What a way to go.

Stephanie, we're all sorry about Cousin
Ned.

Yeah, Steph, I practically had to force
down that piece of cake.

Stephanie, we all talked it over and
we're going to stay for the funeral

tomorrow.

Then how am I going to get home?

Stephanie, aren't you staying for the
funeral? No.

But Ned was your favorite relative.

That was before he died.

Stephanie, what is the real reason you
don't want to go?

Well, it doesn't... Don't a minister
just come out, talk about death and

everybody?

Haven't you ever been to a funeral?

Well, no. Mommy and Daddy always like to
shield me from yucky things.

Funerals aren't so bad, Steph. I just
concentrate on the snacks afterwards.

Keep thinking, buffet, buffet, buffet.

And after about 75 times, you'll be
there.

What if I cry in public?

Stephanie, this is a funeral. Everybody
cries at a funeral. That's why they were

invented.

It's a way for people to release their
feelings so they can feel better.

Stephanie, you'll be among family and
friends. It can be very comforting.

But will I really feel better if I go?

Millions of mourners can't be wrong.

Well...

I guess I would like to go for Cousin
Ned.

Come on, Michael.

Boy, I hate it when the Grim Reaper
steps on my cupcake.

you for coming.

It's a lovely chapel. Well, when God
comes to call, we want him to have a

room.

Boy, if I could have my funeral in here,
it'd be the best day of my life.

Loudon, I'm in a bit of a jam. You see,
I have to tip the minister after the

service, and as usual, I'm cash poor.

I wonder, could you spot me a C -note?

How about 20s? I seem to be fresh out of
C -Notes.

Thanks, Loudon. I'll catch you later.

Stephanie, you came to the funeral. That
was very good.

Now run along.

Mommy, I'm staying.

A lifetime of shielding down the drain.

So, Steph.

This is the worst place I've been with
Ned since the circus.

Stephanie, you'll be fine. You're among
family and friends.

Family or friends. Do you have a had one
interesting conversation with him

section?

Right this way.

Vanderkellen.

Family or friends? Buffet.

I mean... I mean friends.

Michael, how's Stephanie doing?

So far, no mascara meltdown.

You know, Dick, when you die, I'm gonna
cry at your funeral.

Oh. Well, thanks.

When you die, George, I'll cry at yours.

One of us is not going to be able to
follow through on this.

Thank you all for gathering here to pay
your final respects to Cousin Ned.

Ned had a full life.

He lived a hundred years.

He was successful.

He was healthy, except for that last
minute, of course.

But he died.

peacefully in the midst of an absolutely
top -notch birthday party.

And although it was his greatest
passion, not once did he sue a family

Instead, his patience and kindness made
it possible for us to settle out of

court.

And now, Ned has passed on.

So finally, I'd like to say just this.

These things happen.

Thanks.

Wow, that speech was 47 buffets long.

So far, Stephanie seems to be doing
okay.

Uh -oh, here comes the big gun.

Ned Van Der Kellen is dead.

What does this mean, to be dead?

To some of us, it means the loss of a
dear friend.

And to others, the loss of a beloved
family member.

But just because we will never see him,
never greet him, never hear him

regale us with those wonderful stories
of Babe Ruth, Charlie Chaplin,

and those colorful anecdotes about the
Depression.

That doesn't mean that he won't live on
in our hearts and our memories.

We all have that special memory of Ned,
huh?

A moment where he touched our lives.

Hold on to that memory.

Because Ned is gone now.

Goodbye, Ned.

Goodbye.

I told you you'd feel better.

Gee, it seems kind of cold -blooded
having the will reading right after the

funeral.

George, do you know what a day's
interest is on a bazillion dollars?

Michael, is Stephanie okay?

She is, but no thanks to Dick. Good
advice on that crying thing. You'd

tell the Titanic, full speed ahead.

I only told her it was all right to cry
at a funeral. Dick, don't repeat it.

Poor Steph, humiliating herself like
that. I'm just glad the lid was on Ned's

urn so he didn't have to see it.

Would you

please tell Dick I would like to go back
to the inn now?

Steph, we can't leave. They're about to
read the will.

What if there's a must -be -present -to
-inherit clause?

I don't care. I want to leave. My family
will have a much harder time ignoring

me if I'm not here.

Stephanie, your family is not going to
hold this against you. Are you kidding?

They're probably too embarrassed to even
speak to me.

Well,

I can't blame them.

Stupid, compassionate thing.

Stupid, stupid death.

Stephanie, it was perfectly normal for
you to cry.

In fact, the only Vanderkillens that
acted naturally at the funeral this

were you and Ned.

I was the only one in my family who
cried.

Stephanie, I don't know if you ever
noticed, but your family is a little

different.

They are?

I'm not saying they're the Munsters,
but... They're not exactly

Ozzie and Harriet either.

Dick, are you saying that I was right
and they were wrong?

Sort of.

Mommy, Daddy, Dick said I was right to
cry at the funeral and that you're

Cheap shot, Loudon.

That isn't exactly what I said. I just
told Stephanie that she shouldn't feel

guilty about expressing... Although, the
expression of feelings

sometimes can make some people...

Oh, honey, look what a great painting.

Daddy, it wasn't my fault that I cried.

I couldn't help it. It all... Stephanie,
if you're about to say something

intensely personal and intimate, please
don't.

But, Daddy, Dick said crying at a
funeral is normal. I disagree.

Boo -hoo -hoo is not a phrase in the
Vanderkellen vocabulary.

Well, then I guess there must be
something wrong with me.

I guess I'm not up to being a
Vanderkellen.

Stephanie, don't say that.

You're taking this too hard.

Every family has their black sheep.
Maybe Stephanie could be ours. How about

Arthur?

Well, I suppose I could soundproof the
east wing for the occasional outburst.

Then you understand? You think it's
okay?

I'll accept it, but I can't understand
it.

Oh. Could everyone please take a seat?

Come on, Dick, we should go. Honey, no
way.

If Arthur inherits cash, I want to be
first in line to get my tip money back.

Good afternoon.

I, Ned Vandikellen, being of sound mind
and body, do hereby bequeath all of my

estate and fortune to my favorite
charity, the Babe Ruth Leagues of

Furthermore, if any of you contest this
will, my lawyers will sue your pants

off.

You see, you were wrong. My family is
normal.

Mommy, Daddy, at least the sad
experience has brought us a lot closer.

Well, goodbye, everybody.

Thanks for having us.

Well, thank you for coming.

That was a real nice, real nice party.

Especially when... when they delivered
that cake.

I'm glad you liked it.

The minister gave a great, great sermon.

If they'd have passed the basket, I'd...

Probably would have put a C -note in it.

No need to stretch out the goodbyes,
Loudon. I'm sure we'll see each other

soon. I have a delivery for Mr.

Vanderkellen. Come on, let's try and cut
our losses. Just a minute, Loudon. Just

a minute. You forget I owe you $150.

Oh, that's right. It completely slipped
my mind.

I called the bank and had them rush over
your cash.

Here it is.

And thank you, young man.

Oh, young man, just a minute.

Oh, Loudon.

Meow.