Original subtitles

Grab onto your Samsonites, everybody.

Guess where we're all going.

Michael, it's my family I get to tell. You can tell about your family if they

ever do anything.

Saturday night is the birthday of my very special cousin, Ned Vanderkellen.

He's celebrating his 100th birthday, and you're invited to the party. You never

told us you had a 100 -year -old relative.

Well, he used to just be 99.

Well, it's nice you're throwing a big party for me. So can we consider you all

RSVP'd? Of course. They're thrilled.

You're really going to like Cousin Ned a lot. I do, and I'm a pretty tough judge

of old people.

I generally don't like to talk to anyone whose teeth may come out.

I remember on my fifth birthday, Ned took me to the circus.

Everybody else bought me lots of expensive gifts and stuff, but Ned is

one who ever took me anyplace.

Aw, that must have been fun.

No, I hated the circus.

It was dirty and sticky and there were smells.

But Ned made up for it by buying me lots of expensive gifts and stuff.

Look, honey.

Goosebumps.

Come on, Michael. We have to start thinking about a gift for Cousin Ned.

what do you give a hundred -year -old millionaire?

I got it. How about a spanking new son?

Dick, do you really think that...

We should go to a party for somebody we don't even know?

Honey, this is different. This is a chance to talk to a part of history.

I mean, Ned may have seen Babe Ruth while he was still a pitcher, or he may

seen Sarah Bernhardt act, or Caruso sing. Or had pie with Einstein.

Look at him, honey. He's 100 years old, and he's so spry.

What exactly does spry mean, anyway?

You know, uh... Like that guy.

Oh, there you are, Loudon.

Hey, have you met the guest of honor yet?

Not yet. I'm looking forward to talking to him. He must have some fascinating

stories. Oh, you love Cousin Ned. One hundred years of age, and he's still

active in his career.

That's amazing.

What does he do?

He's a sewer.

He sues people.

That's how he made his fortune?

Exactly. He started with nothing more than a sprained ankle and sued his way

right up to the top.

He'll sue anybody, anywhere, anytime.

Come on, introduce you.

Is he still active in his career?

Don't worry, Loudon. He won't go after you. You're small potatoes.

Cousin Ned, this is Dick Loudon. That's Dick Small Potatoes Loudon.

Hi. I'm Mrs.

Potatoes.

Well, if you'll excuse us, we have some hosting to attend to.

I've really been looking forward to meeting you.

I'm a history buff.

And you?

You've lived through some interesting times.

Yes.

For instance, what was it like growing up at the turn of the century?

It was okay.

How about that?

And then there was the depression.

Awful business.

Nothing like a first -hand account.

What did you think about Pearl Harbor?

Weren't you alive then?

Yes, yes, I guess I was.

Well, how did you feel about it?

I was pretty upset.

Me too.

Maybe I'm asking the wrong questions, but I mean, you know, you've lived a

hundred years. There must be something you can tell me.

Your wife has great hooters.

What?

What did he say, honey?

He said you're no small potatoes.

Hi, Ned.

George Utley.

Did you ever have pie with Einstein?

No. But I did have pie in the White House with Hoover.

You did? Wow.

I want to hear all about it. What kind of pie?

Rhubarb.

I'll never forget it. It was piping hot.

I took one bite and I said, Mr. President, I just burned the roof of my

You're going to hear from my lawyers.

Wow.

What kind of crust.

So, Steph, how do I look? Like a million bucks.

Well, I'm going to have to do a lot better than that for this room.

Boy. Once you get that guy going, you just can't shut him up.

Stephanie, are you having fun?

Uh -huh.

Cousin Ned, pick one.

That's the one with the kiss in it.

I never guessed wrong yet.

Cousin Ned, remember that special someone I told you I wanted you to meet?

Yes. Where is he?

He's right here.

Oh.

I'm Michael Harrod. Steph's told me a lot about you.

So, what kind of advice would you give a fresh -faced young kid who's trying to

get a toehold in the Sioux game?

Oh, I say, Loudon, maybe you can help me out.

What is it?

The delivery boy just brought in the cake, and I don't have anything on me to

tip him with. I hate to ask you, but the rest of us never carry cash.

Well, sure, I'll be glad to help out. Remember, I'm a millionaire.

Tip big.

How's 50?

That's very generous, Loudon. Thank you. I'll get you later.

Fifty dollars?

Honey, the man's a millionaire.

All right, gather round. Gather round, everybody.

We gather round for the singing and the blowing out the candles bit.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Ned.

Happy birthday to you.

Speak, speak.

Speak. Ned.

Ned. Ned?

Oh, my God.

Ned is dead.

Well, that couldn't have been his wench.

Excuse me. I'm from the coroner's office. I have some forms to fill out

You know, name, age of the deceased.

Well, we're not relatives. Would you like me to get one?

No, no. That's okay. I'll just get the information off the cake.

I really feel odd about being here.

Honey, we can't just go to the party and not stay for the funeral.

Bummer party.

Yeah, I hardly knew Ned.

I wish I could have met him a few hours earlier.

You know, I was talking to him just minutes before it happened.

What a way to go.

Stephanie, we're all sorry about Cousin Ned.

Yeah, Steph, I practically had to force down that piece of cake.

Stephanie, we all talked it over and we're going to stay for the funeral

tomorrow.

Then how am I going to get home?

Stephanie, aren't you staying for the funeral? No.

But Ned was your favorite relative.

That was before he died.

Stephanie, what is the real reason you don't want to go?

Well, it doesn't... Don't a minister just come out, talk about death and

everybody?

Haven't you ever been to a funeral?

Well, no. Mommy and Daddy always like to shield me from yucky things.

Funerals aren't so bad, Steph. I just concentrate on the snacks afterwards.

Keep thinking, buffet, buffet, buffet.

And after about 75 times, you'll be there.

What if I cry in public?

Stephanie, this is a funeral. Everybody cries at a funeral. That's why they were

invented.

It's a way for people to release their feelings so they can feel better.

Stephanie, you'll be among family and friends. It can be very comforting.

But will I really feel better if I go?

Millions of mourners can't be wrong.

Well...

I guess I would like to go for Cousin Ned.

Come on, Michael.

Boy, I hate it when the Grim Reaper steps on my cupcake.

you for coming.

It's a lovely chapel. Well, when God comes to call, we want him to have a

room.

Boy, if I could have my funeral in here, it'd be the best day of my life.

Loudon, I'm in a bit of a jam. You see, I have to tip the minister after the

service, and as usual, I'm cash poor.

I wonder, could you spot me a C -note?

How about 20s? I seem to be fresh out of C -Notes.

Thanks, Loudon. I'll catch you later.

Stephanie, you came to the funeral. That was very good.

Now run along.

Mommy, I'm staying.

A lifetime of shielding down the drain.

So, Steph.

This is the worst place I've been with Ned since the circus.

Stephanie, you'll be fine. You're among family and friends.

Family or friends. Do you have a had one interesting conversation with him

section?

Right this way.

Vanderkellen.

Family or friends? Buffet.

I mean... I mean friends.

Michael, how's Stephanie doing?

So far, no mascara meltdown.

You know, Dick, when you die, I'm gonna cry at your funeral.

Oh. Well, thanks.

When you die, George, I'll cry at yours.

One of us is not going to be able to follow through on this.

Thank you all for gathering here to pay your final respects to Cousin Ned.

Ned had a full life.

He lived a hundred years.

He was successful.

He was healthy, except for that last minute, of course.

But he died.

peacefully in the midst of an absolutely top -notch birthday party.

And although it was his greatest passion, not once did he sue a family

Instead, his patience and kindness made it possible for us to settle out of

court.

And now, Ned has passed on.

So finally, I'd like to say just this.

These things happen.

Thanks.

Wow, that speech was 47 buffets long.

So far, Stephanie seems to be doing okay.

Uh -oh, here comes the big gun.

Ned Van Der Kellen is dead.

What does this mean, to be dead?

To some of us, it means the loss of a dear friend.

And to others, the loss of a beloved family member.

But just because we will never see him, never greet him, never hear him

regale us with those wonderful stories of Babe Ruth, Charlie Chaplin,

and those colorful anecdotes about the Depression.

That doesn't mean that he won't live on in our hearts and our memories.

We all have that special memory of Ned, huh?

A moment where he touched our lives.

Hold on to that memory.

Because Ned is gone now.

Goodbye, Ned.

Goodbye.

I told you you'd feel better.

Gee, it seems kind of cold -blooded having the will reading right after the

funeral.

George, do you know what a day's interest is on a bazillion dollars?

Michael, is Stephanie okay?

She is, but no thanks to Dick. Good advice on that crying thing. You'd

tell the Titanic, full speed ahead.

I only told her it was all right to cry at a funeral. Dick, don't repeat it.

Poor Steph, humiliating herself like that. I'm just glad the lid was on Ned's

urn so he didn't have to see it.

Would you

please tell Dick I would like to go back to the inn now?

Steph, we can't leave. They're about to read the will.

What if there's a must -be -present -to -inherit clause?

I don't care. I want to leave. My family will have a much harder time ignoring

me if I'm not here.

Stephanie, your family is not going to hold this against you. Are you kidding?

They're probably too embarrassed to even speak to me.

Well,

I can't blame them.

Stupid, compassionate thing.

Stupid, stupid death.

Stephanie, it was perfectly normal for you to cry.

In fact, the only Vanderkillens that acted naturally at the funeral this

were you and Ned.

I was the only one in my family who cried.

Stephanie, I don't know if you ever noticed, but your family is a little

different.

They are?

I'm not saying they're the Munsters, but... They're not exactly

Ozzie and Harriet either.

Dick, are you saying that I was right and they were wrong?

Sort of.

Mommy, Daddy, Dick said I was right to cry at the funeral and that you're

Cheap shot, Loudon.

That isn't exactly what I said. I just told Stephanie that she shouldn't feel

guilty about expressing... Although, the expression of feelings

sometimes can make some people...

Oh, honey, look what a great painting.

Daddy, it wasn't my fault that I cried.

I couldn't help it. It all... Stephanie, if you're about to say something

intensely personal and intimate, please don't.

But, Daddy, Dick said crying at a funeral is normal. I disagree.

Boo -hoo -hoo is not a phrase in the Vanderkellen vocabulary.

Well, then I guess there must be something wrong with me.

I guess I'm not up to being a Vanderkellen.

Stephanie, don't say that.

You're taking this too hard.

Every family has their black sheep. Maybe Stephanie could be ours. How about

Arthur?

Well, I suppose I could soundproof the east wing for the occasional outburst.

Then you understand? You think it's okay?

I'll accept it, but I can't understand it.

Oh. Could everyone please take a seat?

Come on, Dick, we should go. Honey, no way.

If Arthur inherits cash, I want to be first in line to get my tip money back.

Good afternoon.

I, Ned Vandikellen, being of sound mind and body, do hereby bequeath all of my

estate and fortune to my favorite charity, the Babe Ruth Leagues of

Furthermore, if any of you contest this will, my lawyers will sue your pants

off.

You see, you were wrong. My family is normal.

Mommy, Daddy, at least the sad experience has brought us a lot closer.

Well, goodbye, everybody.

Thanks for having us.

Well, thank you for coming.

That was a real nice, real nice party.

Especially when... when they delivered that cake.

I'm glad you liked it.

The minister gave a great, great sermon.

If they'd have passed the basket, I'd...

Probably would have put a C -note in it.

No need to stretch out the goodbyes, Loudon. I'm sure we'll see each other

soon. I have a delivery for Mr.

Vanderkellen. Come on, let's try and cut our losses. Just a minute, Loudon. Just

a minute. You forget I owe you $150.

Oh, that's right. It completely slipped my mind.

I called the bank and had them rush over your cash.

Here it is.

And thank you, young man.

Oh, young man, just a minute.

Oh, Loudon.

Meow.