All language subtitles for newhart_s05e13_love_letters_in_the_mud

Morning, Joanna.

Don't give me that.

Are you the same Joanna who usually sits
here?

Don't try to ignore this, Dick, because
after what you did last night, I have

every right to be angry with you.

When we went to bed last night, you
weren't mad at me.

I must have been some demon with those
covers.

You spent the whole time flirting with
another woman.

When? Last night.

In my dream.

Ah.

For a minute there, I thought you were
upset over nothing.

We were at a dinner party eating sesame
chicken, and you spent the whole night

talking and flirting with this brunette
in a flowered hat and ignoring me.

And that was it? Until your ears got big
like dumbos and you flapped away.

It was all so real.

But, but...

It was just a dream. I know it was just
a dream, but it feels like it really

happened.

But it didn't.

But it's just the sort of thing you
would do.

Morning, Dick. Morning, Joanna.

You know, George was there, and he was
mad at you, too.

I was? When?

In Joanna's dream.

Oh, I'm sorry, Dick. Do you forgive me?

Don't be silly, George. You don't have
to forgive people for something they did

in the dream.

Right, Joanna?

Don't worry, Dick.

I'm not really mad at you.

If I were, would I ask you to come with
me to the Southern Vermont Hardware

Expo?

You might.

It's for closing night.

The parade of the power mowers.

That sounds awfully tempting.

I was kind of hoping for opening night,
George.

Are you kidding?

Just try getting seats to Sprinkler
Mania.

Hi.

I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl, and this is
my other brother Darryl.

We was wondering if we might chew the
cud alone with Miss Stephanie.

Go for it.

Hi, guys. How are you?

Speaking strictly for yours truly,
lovesick.

I know.

Miss Stephanie, I'll always have an
eternal pilot light burning in my chest

cavity for you.

But since your dainty heart is on
temporary loan to another, I've decided

pick up the scent of a different dating
trail.

And lo and behold, my nostrils hit the
jackpot.

Didn't pray for this.

Well, the important thing is one of us
did.

Who is she? A fetching young filly that
works at the bakery.

We was lured there by an advertisement
promising bear claws.

It was just a come on.

When are you two going out?

Just as soon as she knows I'm alive.

That's why I've come to you.

I need some brushing up on my dating
do's and don'ts.

Gee, Larry, I'm so swamped.

Maybe you should check a teen magazine.

Well, there's some questions that can't
be answered in print. For example, I've

doused myself in two different colognes.

All you need to do is take a whiff and
tell me which one sets your female high

to quiver.

Porcupine Musk got the bigger response.

Now, as far as deodorant goes... Oh,
guys!

Could I take a rain check on this?

So long as it's soon. That bakery gal's
got my heart in a half Nelson.

Come on, Daryl.

Hello, guys.

And, uh... Oh, Michael.

I've just been through a nightmare I
don't ever care to relive.

You've got to help me.

Name it, Steph.

Help Larry get a girl.

Right. Now name something a mortal could
do.

Michael, I'm serious.

Underneath it all, Larry's nice.

He deserves someone.

And I deserve not to be that someone.

Now, he likes the girl at the bakery. So
will you help him? Please, please,

please.

Steph, when you threaten like that, I'm
putting.

Hola, muchachos.

Excuse me, but are you here on purpose?

Believe me, nobody's more surprised than
me.

But I'm here to do you a big favor.

Sorry, but your reputation as a wiseacre
forces us to say sure.

Guys, guys, I'm sincere. Stephanie asked
me to help Larry get his bakery gal.

Oh, now I see who's pulling his strings.

Okay, help away.

All right.

Now, why don't you tell me what you plan
to do, and I'll

critique. Well, I figured I'd state my
case, and if the mood is right, invite

her for a romp in the nearest bog.

To tell you the truth, Larry, a few 80s
gals are into that bog thing.

Really? Well, what if I grease my hair
flat and flick, take her out on a date

claiming I'm Lorenzo Lamas, then halfway
through the evening break it to her

that I am in truth Larry?

Actually, Larry, I hear Lorenzo gets
real annoyed at that kind of thing.

Oh, dear.

So I should just burst on the seam as
myself?

Well, Larry, in your particular case, I
don't think you want to go with a visual

right off.

I know. How about, uh... We write her a
letter.

Okay. Daryl, fetch our personal
stationery. The one with Snoopy and the

bird.

Have a seat, Larry.

Okay. Great.

Now, uh... Where do we start?

Well, seeing as I saw Jolene on her name
tag, I suggest we go with Dear Miss

Jolene.

Better to go with a grabber.

How about, uh...

Hey there, dream date.

Well, Daryl likes it, but Daryl doesn't
think it's me.

Larry, relationships are hard enough
without getting bogged down in honesty.

When I first made peeper -to -peeper
contact with you at... Where'd you meet

her? Bakery.

Casa de Crullers.

I said to myself,

Twist of fate -o -rama?

Now, what's left to say?

I'd like to spend a romantic evening
with you talking under the soft blue

of a fizzling bug zapper.

Let's do brunch.

Call me.

Now, how should we sign off?

I like you a lot, and that ain't no
joke.

You're kidding.

It's the truth.

Well, I suppose we could get away with a
grain of that in there.

I like you a lot, and that ain't no
joke.

Still needs a capper.

I got it.

Massive huggeroonie.

Your ever -loving love god.

Larry.

Are you sure this kind of talk gets
girls?

Cross my aorta.

Oh, hi.

Great news.

You interpreted your dream all wrong.

It meant something completely different
than what you thought.

Dick, be smart.

Drop it.

Everything in your dream was something
else.

The sesame chicken represented your
hunger for attention.

And the lady in the flowered hat
represented your unresolved differences

your mother.

And I, of course, was really the
idealized male.

What about your dumbo ears?

Joanna, it was a dream. Don't analyze it
to death, okay?

Dick, let me tell you my interpretation.

The sesame chicken was sesame chicken.

The woman in the flowered hat was a
woman in a flowered hat.

And you were a wife -ignoring flirt.

Joanna, why don't you just tell me what
you want me to do?

I want an apology.

Joanna, that's ridiculous.

I can't apologize for something I did in
a dream.

Well, I wish you'd try. Last night you
chased me with a giant radish.

You know, I've been in other people's
dreams, and I've been fine.

Oh, Stephanie, I've been meaning to ask.

Do you think Michael would be interested
in going to the Southern Vermont

Hardware Expo?

George, you realize your invitation
contains the word hardware.

Oh, yeah, right.

Hi. Hi.

Look.

Oh, dear.

In the throes of ecstasy, I forgot my
manners. Hi, I'm Larry. This is my

brother. I know, Larry.

What are you so excited about?

Look, I actually got a reply to my
letter from Miss Jolene.

And perfume soaked to boot.

Smell.

You're not going to get me again.

I have to thank you for bending Michael
to your will and forcing him to help me.

Anytime, Larry.

What did the letter say?

Well, leaving out the sweet nothings.

She says she could tell from my letter
that I was the kind of man she'd like to

meet.

That's wonderful.

Your writing must have really gotten to
her. Yeah, I guess so.

Uh -oh. The bottom just fell out of
cloud nine.

What's wrong?

Well, technically, I didn't write the
letter. It was that weird but personable

boyfriend of yours.

He stole the girl of my dreams.

And with my own Snoopy stationery, too.

I sent you over there to help Larry get
a girl. You helped yourself get a girl.

You already have a girl who's now mad at
you.

Steph, donate those furrows to farmers.

I've been working with him, and I really
think I can make Larry into a

reasonable facsimile of the guy who
wrote that letter.

Hola.

Steph, this is too hard. Can I quit?

I know. Even with my cap cocked at a
roguish angle, it's hopeless.

Oh, Larry, it's not hopeless, is it,
Michael?

No, Steph. We always have evolution
working for us.

Besides, looks aren't everything.

Michael. White lie, Steph.

In my own defense, the color of this
sweater don't do diddly to bring out my

eyes.

Now, let's not panic. Forget the
wardrobe. Let's put you through a

date maneuver.

All right, Stefano, why don't you help
us out here by taking a part of Jolene?

Wait, is she stunning?

Well, Miss Jolene's no you, but she's
attractive.

Okay, it's a stretch, but I'll try.

Okay, Larry, now picture this. You're in
a bakery. You've taken a number.

Now serving.

Larry, take it away, Larry.

Hi.

I'm Larry, and you're Jolene.

Hello.

You're supposed to compliment me now.

Oh, may I say, you're looking as
appetizing as a truck's truck weasel.

Larry, you've just compared this earth
angel to a dead rodent.

Too mushy?

Just compare her to something
breathtaking.

A sunset, a summer's day.

Mercedes leather.

Oh, Michael.

Maybe I could just cut right to the
asking out part.

Would you like to join me for an evening
of dinner, dancing, and a moonlight

romp in the bog?

Yeah. Larry, I thought we put the kibosh
on that bog thing.

I figured moonlight would take the curse
off it.

Well, let's face it. Larry, you're...

You're not me.

Thanks for trying, Michael.

Larry, I'm so sorry.

Maybe you could lose yourself in your
career.

I think I'll just go home and pour my
heart in

a dustbin.

Wait, wait, wait a minute, Larry.

We gotta come up with something. Let's
put our heads together, while not

actually touching, and see if we can
come up with an idea. Now, how about we

go over to the bakery.

I go in, and I break the sad news to her
that I wrote the letter, but that I

don't love her.

Then she cries and screams, and you can
zoom in and get her on the rebound.

I like it.

You dreamt I was a crazed warthog, and
you're going to have to shoot me.

I read this dream book of yours, and I
realized there are a thousand ways to

interpret a dream, so I guess I was
being a tiny bit... Insane.

Unfair. From now on, I'm only going to
pay attention to the things that you do

when we're both awake.

Honey, I promise, the next time I make
you mad, it'll be for real.

Aw, thanks, honey.

Please drop it in.

Uh, excuse me.

Ah!

I'm sorry, you're going to have to
leave. I don't understand. You have to

before my ears start to flap.

found someone to go with you, George.
Yeah, Chester's cousin.

Sounds great.

I don't know what she looks like. All I
know is she'll be wearing a big hat with

flowers.

Well, I'm sure she'll be here any
minute, George.

See the way she grabs up that donut with
the little piece of wax tissue?

Very feminine.

You say so, Larry.

Okay, now, don't hurt her too bad. Just
enough for me to get her. Don't worry,

Larry.

You're talking to Mr. Sensitive.

Olaf, is this Casa de Crullers?

Well, before your hopes soar too high,
I'm afraid I'm going to have to slam the

door on your souffle.

I don't get it.

Oh, well, then stop tape. I'll rewind
and play back.

You don't have to do this. I laughed
plenty at that in the letter.

Laughed at what? I don't remember taking
a stab at any funny bone.

You mean you really talk like that?

Why? Is there a problema?

normal person?

Well, absolutament.

Absolutely. Sure.

Good Lord.

I thought in that letter you were just
trying to be funny. You know, pretending

to be one of those phony kind of guys.

I'm starting to sniff a bad review here.

I knew I should have listened to my
mother and not answered that letter.

I guess I just couldn't resist that one
line.

Your ever -loving love god.

No.

I like you a lot, and that ain't no
joke.

You like that?

It was sincere.

And in English.

That line was cheese whiz.

I mean, the rest of the letter was a
fine room temperature brief.

I like cheese whiz. It's real.

Well, maybe not real, but it's down to
earth.

of man I'm looking for.

Simple, honest, and I'm sorry, not you.

Well, that saves me the trouble of
breaking your heart.

And luckily for you, I've got just the
guy. He's the author of that line. He's

right outside. Wait here.

Well, From my point of view, she seemed
to take your heart stomping pretty well.

She did, didn't she?

Any advice for me before I commence the
courting?

Well, amazingly enough, Larry, just go
in there and be yourself.

Hi, I'm Larry. I hear we're going to be
dating.

I knew I chose the wrong cologne.

milkshake. Make mine a double.

Women.

Yeah, can't live with them, can't stuff
them in a sack.

Well, don't feel too bad, Larry.

I get a feeling that Jolene might not
have even gone for me.

You don't have to say things just to
cheer me up.

No, no, no, I mean it. The woman
obviously lacks depth.

I mean, the whole time I was with her,
she didn't even ask me what kind of car

drive.

Women. And I had such high hopes. I
mean, she works with lard. I like lard.

All the signs pointed to it working.

I guess I'm just a sucker for a gal in a
hairnet.

More vanilla over here, Daryl.

I think Daryl's implying you've had
enough.

Well, any woman who didn't like that
letter can only be described in three

words, peculiar.

And I thank the dating deity above for
giving me a girl as normal as my step.

Yeah, imagine her in a hair knit.

Sorry, didn't mean to be fantasizing
about you, lady.

Well, this may just be the milkshakes
talking, liar, but...

Someday, I know, you're going to find
the right woman.

And she'll have sisters.

Believe me, Larry, someday a woman's
going to walk through that door and see

and not scream.

Just like in the movies.

You know, Larry,

I like you.

And that ain't no joke.

Ditto, hombre.

Meow.