Original subtitles

Guess what?

The new Norma Kamali line is out.

Oh, Steph, you know I hate it when you guess better than it is.

Guess again.

Henderson's is having a moo -moo sale.

No, better.

Yours truly has been chosen to put together a major project.

The WPIV five -year anniversary special. Can you believe it?

It's a three -hour extravaganza filled with, well, whatever I decide to fill it

with. I get my own staff and everything.

Well?

How exciting. Exciting.

What does this mean to me?

Well, it means we're both happy for your guy.

Michael, every time you say project, it means take a back seat, Steph.

Untrue. Unfair, Steph. You know my life is a two -seater.

Just you and me.

Oh, yeah. The last project you worked on forced me to go dateless for longer

than I had since I was five.

I had to spend a lot of time at the station. They were trying to unionize.

a lot of effort to squash one of those things.

But this special is a different animal altogether.

Then this stupid lucky break won't interfere with my fun?

Cross my heart, may I chip a front tooth.

Our relationship won't suffer a smidge. Now, what say you and I celebrate?

Dick, I'm done.

Hi, Dick. What's with the dimples?

I'm just, uh, glad to see that Bev took my advice and decided to do an

anniversary special. You mean the extravaganza was your idea? Just

Well, sounds like this guy owes you a big thank you. Dick, it's on my to -do

list.

Hi, I'm Larry. This is my brother, Daryl. And this is my other brother,

And this is our card.

Your... your card?

We regret to announce...

We had to discontinue our popular enterprise, anything for a buck.

Due to the ravages of inflation, we had to go in an entirely new direction.

Anything for a buck ten.

We'd appreciate it if you'd spread the word.

Try and stop me.

Could I get that back? We only have the one.

Those buck tens haven't started rolling in yet.

Michael,

could we talk for a minute? Oh, could you make it quick, Dick? I'm editing

golden moments from the Mr. Sing With Me hour.

There are so many.

I'm trying to find a segue from Row, Row, Row Your Boat to Michael, Row Your

Boat Ashore.

Sounds like you got a long night ahead of you.

So, what's up?

Michael, I just felt we should discuss what my part on the anniversary special

is going to be. Oh, no problem, Dick.

You won't be in the special.

What? Well, Dick, it's not that we don't love you. It's just that we have this

pesky time problem.

The special's only three hours long.

Michael, we had some brilliant Vermont today. It's one of the station's major

shows. Dick, no one knows that better than I do. It's just not visual enough.

Well, it's certainly not as visual as a cartoon ball bouncing over the words,

life is but a dream.

Exactly. I'm glad you grasped it so quickly.

I'd love to talk more, but J .J.'s on his way up here with my new staff. I've

got assignments to give out, you know, names to learn. The whole anniversary

show was my idea. Hold that thought, then.

Staff is starting to arrive. The first introductions are really important. They

set the tone for the entire relationship.

Michael, meet Susan Polgar.

Nice to meet you.

What are you, my secretary, my runner?

My editor?

Yes.

You mean she's the whole staff?

If it helps, I have been called a dynamo. Michael, if you're through

names... Wait, Dick, I've already suffered a major disappointment, and I'm

trying not to cry.

Michael, I'm going to find some Vermont to take clips for the anniversary show.

Gee, I thought we decided to stay away from those static talking head things.

Lunchtime?

AJ?

Well, gee, I don't know whether to have you make coffee or a low -level

decision.

I'm sorry that our meeting was spoiled by me being it.

But just think that when this show is a great success, everyone will say, and he

did it without a decent staff.

That's true.

Okay, then, welcome aboard.

Thank you.

You know...

I've seen some of your shows, and compared to a lot of local television,

really impressive.

Really? And I'm not just sucking up. I mean, I thought that spin -off you tried

to do with Pearl's Kitchen... You mean Pearl's Pies?

Yeah. I thought that was a bit one -noted.

Wow. You're not a sucker.

Not that that's something I necessarily frown on.

Well, I hate to crack the whip, but I'm, uh...

I'm in the midst of one hell of a tough edit here.

Well,

what

do you think?

Do you want me to be honest, or is this one of those times I should suck up?

Stephanie, I know you're mad at Michael because this project is taking up so

much of his time and he's had to break every date.

But people come here for a restful vacation.

No one wants to spend it cowering in a corner because of an irate maid, right,

George? Yeah.

Uh, right.

All right.

Try to control it.

Why should my misery prevent other people from having the time of their

Atta girl.

I'm going to the kitchen now, George.

You're the room monitor.

Okay, as long as I don't catch an eraser in the back of the head.

Sam! Michael, I want to see some groveling and I want to see it now.

Cupcake, I'm sorry I've been working so much. I'm scum on low life. I'm a snail

trail.

That's it?

Michael, not only have I not seen... you all week, but the one time I got

through to you on the phone, you put me on hold.

Michael, I had a self -doubt.

Oh, Steph, I'm the thing that eats a snail's trail.

Don't be mad. I'm here now. I made a special effort just to come see you.

but I can't help but notice you're still standing.

Oh, Michael, I'm such a softie.

Ah, Michael.

You said you'd be here an hour ago.

A special effort just to see me, huh?

Any chance of a reprieve if I do that head thing again?

You've got your heart. This project wouldn't affect us, and it has.

Cupcake, I'm sorry. If you're going to blame anyone, blame Dick. This whole

anniversary special was his idea.

Sorry to make you take a number, Dick. Well, what's up?

Michael, did you see the list of Vermont State clips I put together?

I did, Dick. It perfectly illustrates my point that the show is visual death.

Visual death? Dick, Dick, Dick, lower those clenched dukes.

I think I've solved our problem. We can shoot some new footage and claim they

were old Vermont State clips.

No one will know the difference because not that many people watch anyway.

Michael? Dick, I'm glad you're smart, but me first.

How's this for visual? You.

In a bolero shirt, limboing.

No. All right, you're thinking intellectual.

I can go with that.

You're interviewing a beekeeper, and the glass breaks.

You're swatting. You're screaming. I'm excited.

I'm not mammoing under a stick. I'm not working with insects, and I'm not

shooting any new footage.

All right, all right, Dick. I'll do what I can with what we've got.

I'm going to put you into the show because you're my friend. I care about

You're pulling this incredible star trip on me.

Hey, I believe you've seen our card.

Yeah, yeah, Larry.

I thought I asked you guys not to come to the dining room during meals.

It's kind of urgent.

Daryl here is so perturbed, he's been up all night counting sheep.

It took us an hour this morning to find which meadow he was in.

What's wrong?

We have a bone to pick with him.

Good. Someone else for once.

What's the matter, guys?

It appears you've been taking the taters right out of our mouths.

Seems like I would remember that.

Did you or did you not help Dewey Crenshaw find his pet black snake?

Oh, yeah.

Aha, you admit it.

Now, Daryl, in that same time period, how many jobs has anything for a buck

racked up?

See?

One to zip.

It just don't seem fair you snatching a job that we're eligible for, especially

a snake one.

That wasn't a job.

I did that as a favor for free. Free? You didn't charge anything?

No.

Looks like we have some serious mulling to do.

I don't know how we're going to compete with those prices.

Not and still make a profit.

All right, it works.

It's great.

You realize what this means.

What's that?

We've finished the first half.

We have, haven't we?

Shouldn't we be celebrating or something?

Susan, these are the kinds of moments we professionals take in stride.

Of course, when you work all night, you lose some of that professionalism.

It's okay.

You should get excited more often. You look real cute disheveled.

It's my new styling gel.

It lets you run the gamut from blow -dry to messy and still look groomed.

I have a way to fill it. Of course, it's not as professional as yours, but...

Ta -da!

Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?

Whoa, you read my palate.

You made these all by yourself, just for me?

Well, I was sort of hoping I could have just one.

Thank you.

And you... You cut off the crusts.

Wait a minute.

I just got a... A toast.

Oh, Michael, please, no more compliments. Please, I hate that. To

one assistant.

As good as a staff of five.

Really, Susan, you've been amazing.

Oh, go on, Michael. I just want to say one more thing, then I'll shut up.

I was planning to grab credit for this whole anniversary special.

But since you've worked so hard, when I do, I'm going to feel a little guilty.

You know, I used to eat a ton of these sandwiches watching television.

Now I'm eating one and working in television.

I'm in a rut.

All I did when I was a kid was watch TV.

What was your favorite show?

When I was nine years old, nothing could touch Gilligan's Island.

You're kidding.

I love those wacky castaways.

I won a neighborhood contest once for the best skipper imitation.

Oh, do it.

Hey. little buddy.

Great.

Oh, who do you think the professor liked best?

Marianne or Ginger?

Well, Ginger had all those great gowns.

But I used to love when Marianne would get on that bike and make electricity.

Okay. What was your favorite series?

Well...

I used to imagine I was part of the Partridge family, and I had brothers and

sisters, and we all sang.

When they canceled that show, they... They canceled my family.

Oh, Michael.

Don't worry. When you run a network, you can bring them back.

I could, couldn't I?

Look at the time.

You realize we've been in this room for 14 hours straight?

We should get home, get some sleep.

Yeah, good idea.

Oh, remember, we're half done.

See you tomorrow, Fiz. Thanks again for the sandwiches.

Oh, you're welcome.

Night. Good night.

No one's dead.

I don't know what... I mean, uh... Half the show.

Half done. Half done, half done, half done.

She brought me peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, for goodness sake. I just...

We talked.

She loves television. I love television, so I spilled my life.

She was nice to me, and that threw me.

I mean, Joanna was probably nice to you, and good Lord, look what's happened to

you two. You're laying here all married. Oh, no.

Wait a minute.

Michael, it was just a kiss.

And a kiss is just... Yes.

You love Stephanie? I do.

I do.

It was just the emotion of the moment. Yes. Just keep picturing Steph in that

pink sweater.

Yes. That's it.

I feel better.

Steph in pink Angora. Yeah.

Okay. Steph in pink Angora. Steph in pink Angora.

I told you we should have bought a gun.

in case you need to know the rules, don't ever come into my bedroom again.

I'm sorry, Dick. I was temporarily out of my head. You know, I was tired.

Something happened and I blew it all out of proportion.

But I had a good night's sleep, a swell shower, and I'm back to my normal self.

Don't ever come into my bedroom.

Thanks for your concern. I'm fine, Dick.

Want to go steady?

I'm getting ahead of myself. Excuse me.

The swell shower.

No problem.

Everything is fine.

And then... Hi. And boom!

Firework! My heart's a puddle. My soul's dancing.

It's not fair. I don't want her. I mean, I want her. I just don't want to want

her. Oh, dear.

It's just too fast.

I know. I just haven't seen Stefano. That's it.

I'll go by, I'll see that cute little button nose, and I'll be all right.

okay. I just hope to God she's wearing that pink sweater.

marketing scheme has succeeded.

How can we compete when you've undercut anything for a buck ten by a buck ten?

Gee, sorry, guys.

We even devised our own marketing scheme.

We tried to beat you to the customers by anticipating their needs even before

they knew what they were.

Oh, my God.

Yep. We started the morning anticipating Miss Huffman would need a home

permanent.

It might have worked out if Daryl hadn't anticipated her needing a bikini wax as

well.

Just so you boys know, I don't need anything.

Ever.

We couldn't have helped her anyway.

To avoid prosecution, we made a deal with Miss Huffman.

That we'd give up our new strategy.

Of course, without that going for us, we're screwed.

Another small business crushed under the heel of a well -meaning handyman.

Guys, wait.

I didn't mean to crush you under my heel.

I was just doing favors for some friends.

Like today, I picked up Miss Vivian's groceries.

And then I fixed Mr.

Denim's ladder.

That's it?

You seem to be specializing in the mundane.

I guess that snake job was just a fluke.

Yeah.

And if I hear of a job that sounds more suited for you than me, I'll let you

know. Come to think of it, Miss Vivian has rats.

Does she want them?

No.

Thanks for the tip.

Come on, Daryl. Let's get our fives and the sheet music from Pierre Gant.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just so glad to see that sweater.

And you.

Michael, would you like a comb and some time to yourself?

I had a few spare moments, so I dashed right over to see you.

Oh, what a nice, albeit tiny, gesture.

I know you're still mad at me, and you have every right to be. I had no

ignoring you and working so long. It was wrong and dangerous.

And I'm never going to do it again. I'll quit the project.

Really? Really, just forgive me, please.

Well, I don't know if I can forgive you, but I'll be less mad.

That's my muffin.

I've got an idea. Since we haven't seen each other in a while, let's talk.

Talk?

Well, okay, if we don't do it for very long.

So how are you, Stephanie, really?

Still a bit grumpy.

But it's nothing that dinner and a drive can't cure.

No, I mean, how's your life?

Michael, I work as a maid for people who expect me to act like a maid.

And? And that's icky.

Look, I'm not much of a chatter.

You know that. So why don't we do something instead, like have fun?

Could we cuddle a little? Sure.

Beard stubble.

Sorry. Didn't you run the electric razor on the way over?

The cigarette lighter isn't working.

You have broken stuff in your car?

Sorry.

Steph, do you like peanut butter and jelly?

Ew.

Michael, I don't understand this. Why are we sitting here doing this boring

talking stuff?

But we never talk.

That's not true.

We discuss where to go for dinner and how nice I look.

And whether you look better in navy or forest. We talk tons.

Now let's go. Steph, did you ever want the professor and Marianne to get

together?

Aren't they other people?

Steph, I'm afraid we have a terrible problem.

I want it very thick.

I have something stuck in my teeth.

No, it's a different kind of problem. I want to date another woman.

Oh, that's an easy problem. No, no, no.

Well, either I date her or I keep making out with her at the office.

I'm sorry, Steph. I didn't mean for it to happen. My lips went and I just

followed.

Sorry, I just like her so darn much.

I can't.