Original subtitles

Hola, muchachos.

Donde esta, my main squeeze?

Stephanie, your blithering idiot is here.

Thanks, Dick.

Steph and I have some major celebrating to do.

Darn, it's not a mistake.

What's the matter?

They've replaced my favorite program.

Just when you find a show that's intelligent, stimulating, and doesn't

to you, they yank it.

What show, George?

Barnaby Jones.

What? Oh, coincidencerama. This ties directly into my celebration.

You're celebrating the cancellation of Barnaby Jones?

In a way, yes.

You see, the station's decided to let me try my hand at programming, and today

marks the debut of the new Michael Harris schedule, or as I like to call

MTV.

Well, any schedule without Buddy Ebsen sucks eggs.

George, don't despair. I've purchased a replacement show of equal quality and

value.

Lifestyles of the solid platinum dancers?

It's a piece of fluff.

They don't solve crimes or have a cute secretary or anything.

George, each episode of Barnaby has aired over ten times.

But no matter how often I watch, I always find new things.

Buddy can do more with his eyebrows than any actor I know.

Michael, I'm ready.

George, I'd love to keep up this pointless debate, but we have some

brunching to do.

Steph, say it for me, just once.

I want my MTV.

Well,

I refuse to take this lying down.

I'm going to get Barnaby Jones back on the air. Or as Buddy would say...

Good morning.

Good morning, Miss Newman. Did you sleep well?

Yes, I just love your inn. Great pillows.

Have you seen my fiancé, Edward?

No, but here's a note for you.

He's always writing me really embarrassing, gushy notes.

He ran

out on me. We're supposed to get married this afternoon, but he says he's not

sure of his feelings.

I'm sure he'll see the light before he gets too far.

It says he's hopping the first bus for Canada.

Maybe he'll see the northern lights first.

This is awful.

I can't even afford to get home.

Oh, don't worry. If you want, we'll lend you the money to get home.

Oh, you're very kind, but I believe in paying my own way.

Good for you.

I used to be a waitress back in Arizona.

In fact, I saw a cute cafe right next door the minute, man.

I... I happen to know they're not hiring.

Okay.

Well, I'll bet you I have a job by the end of the day.

I mean, the secret to getting hired is to project a strong...

This is my brother Daryl, and this is my other brother Daryl.

Please, grab a rump full of vinyl.

Oh, thank you.

But I'm not here as a customer. I'm looking for a job as a waitress.

I'm sorry, but Daryl and I do fine by ourselves.

We're kind of like a very oily machine.

Please, I've been all over town. You're my last hope.

I'd like to help.

You'll have to excuse me. The lunch rush is about to start.

Daryl, stations, please.

Hey, boys.

Ma 'am.

Can I take your order?

Just the usual.

I'm sorry.

It's hard to remember each regular's culinary preferences.

Cup of coffee?

Oh, yeah.

Cup of joe?

Can I interest you in a generous hunk of pie?

No, thanks. I don't want to be any bigger target out there than I have to.

Well, as you can see, the three of us can handle things.

even when it gets busy.

Well, the cheery smile of a good waitress can do a lot to stimulate

Afraid we got that one covered.

I'll bet I could have gotten him to take that piece of pie. Go on. We offer him

some every time he comes here.

Just watch.

Officer?

Are you sure you won't change your mind about this pie?

Well, I'd love to.

But in my line of work, fitness equals survival.

Come on. Surely one piece of pie isn't going to hurt a stomach as flat as that.

It is often mistaken for a washboard.

What the hell?

Pie me.

Wow.

Little lady, you got a W -4 form to fill out.

Really? You're amazing.

We thought we'd been saving that pie in vain for the last six months.

Shouldn't Kathy be back by now? She said she'd be home after the breakfast

shift. Honey, will you stop worrying about her? She was fine yesterday.

I know, but how much longer can her luck hold out?

Hi. Boy, what a morning.

What happened?

Oh, I helped them clean the griddle.

Okay, that's it. You gotta go home. We'll lend you the money.

Oh, thanks, but I'm not that anxious to get home anymore.

You like working with Larry and the Daryls?

They're the sweetest men I ever met.

Not at all like Edward.

Really?

Well, I have to freshen up and get back there.

Hola, Loudons. Dick, great news. I think I can get the solid platinum dancers to

guest on your show.

Don't do glitz.

Exactly my point. You're the only one who can break through all that phony

glamour and cheesecake and grill the true measurements out of those girls.

Look, Michael, I got every beaver in town to sign this petition to put

Jones back on the air.

Oh, I'm sorry, George, but the beavers don't represent the younger audience

is after. But this new show is filled with exciting things today's hip viewers

want to see. The drama of the dancers' lives, their victories, their defeats,

their thighs.

The only thighs I want to see belong to Buddy Ebsen.

George, maybe this will make you feel better.

If you were under 30, what you're saying would matter deeply to me.

Well, maybe you don't care what I want, but the people in this town do.

And I can get them all behind me.

Bring back Buddy.

Bring back Buddy.

So, where's my sensual senorita?

She's upstairs giving herself a facial. Oh, boy, if I hurry, I can peel.

Those wouldn't be for me, would they?

They're for Kathy, right?

She's freshening up right now.

You're going to wait, aren't you?

It's a shame about this Barnaby thing, isn't it?

Why don't we put those in some water?

For Kathy, right?

Great.

I understand you guys are broken up about Barnaby.

Hold on to this.

Fellas, I'm sure there's a way to work this out.

On the other hand, maybe not.

Daryl, there you are.

What's going on here?

Are you responsible for this?

Ours for Kathy.

I see.

Daryl, get back to the cafe and wait for me.

I'm sorry you were subjected to such hormonally motivated behavior.

I guess the only thing to do is find out which Daryl she prefers and lock the

happy couple in a barn for a while.

Larry, I think I know Kathy well enough to say that...

The Daryl of her choice is neither.

Gosh. I thought between the two of them, they would have covered all ranges of

taste.

Go figure.

I'll update Daryl.

Meantime, could you explain the situation to Miss Kathy?

Why me?

You have the ability to talk about affairs of the heart without using

sexual terminology.

It's, uh... That's a gift.

Well, see you later.

Kathy, it seems your presence at the cafe has stirred up some romantic

over there.

You're kidding.

There's no reason to be frightened.

I'm not frightened. I think it's wonderful.

You do?

I was having some feelings, too. You were?

Which Daryl do you like?

Daryl? Oh, I think they're sweet, but I like Larry.

Larry?

Masculine. He's dependable. He's sensitive.

He speaks.

He does have it all.

Kathy, this is getting pretty complicated.

It's the Daryls who like you. They just got into a big fight because of it.

Oh.

Well, I guess the only way to put an end to this is to go over there and tell

them it's Larry I'm interested in. Kathy, I don't think that's a good idea.

I have to, Mr. Loudon. I've caused enough trouble already.

Oh, dear. I know Daryl can take this, but this will break poor Daryl's heart.

Well, I never thought I'd see the day.

When a pretty face could turn brother against brother. Is it really worth it?

Well, I have it on good authority that Kathy ain't a smidgen interested in you

or you.

From here on, you two leave Miss Kathy be.

Now let's see some forgiving and forgetting.

Hi, guys.

Miss Kathy?

Listen, I hate to be the cause of any friction between you, so I think it's

really important that you know my feelings.

What I'm trying to say is, uh, well, this is hard for me, so...

That was

the only way I knew how to show you. I hope you feel the same.

Well, so far, so good.

Oh, Larry.

Excuse me.

We're ready to order now.

Oh, you're coming.

Um, listen, uh, we'll all, uh, talk later.

Oh, hi, guys.

Now, Daryl, I know how this looks, but I had no idea she had eyes for yours

truly.

I realize this is hard to believe.

Coming as it does from lips that just smushed up against paradise.

Look, the flea has picked out her dog.

Now, get to your stations.

Is everything okay?

Don't worry.

They're just a little slow to absorb things.

Not unlike them plain -wrapped paper towels.

Here's the order on table five.

Daryl, two fruit salads, pronto.

stuff has gone too far.

Something wrong, Michael? You've got this whole town of hooligans out to get

Phone operators break into my phone calls and go, buddy, buddy.

Bank tellers demand ten pieces of ID.

And finally, I was the victim of the most hideous of all automobile crimes,

splash and run.

This is a nightmare.

Darn right, I could catch pneumonia.

That's it, George.

Between men is one thing.

But when innocent cupcakes take shrapnel... Sorry, Michael, but people

town take care of each other. Television is a mass medium.

It'll be a cold day in Hadestown when I bow to the whim of one person.

Michael, I can't date you until my clothing is safe.

Barnaby will be back on tomorrow, George.

Suppose I put Lifestyles of the Solid Platinum Dancers on in place of Eight is

Enough.

Life without Dick Van Patten?

I'll have to get back to you.

You know, you're welcome to stay longer if you want.

Oh, thanks, but I don't think this town's too good for me.

Lost two men in three days.

Hey, I'm Larry, flying solo.

Larry, what are you doing here?

Well, I figured you'd be heading out of town.

I wondered if you'd mind my tagging along.

But what about your brothers?

Well, we discussed it and discussed it until we ran out of the basic food

groups.

I told them they could have the cafe.

Larry, are you sure this is what you want to do?

Well, Miss Kathy's kiss moved me more than I've ever been moved before.

Of course, nothing feminine has touched these lips since that fat lady stood up

on the bus.

So, is it two for the road?

Oh, Larry, I just know we're going to be wonderful together.

I have to tell you, that fat lady is a distant second.

Kathy. Edward.

What are you doing here?

Kathy, I want to talk to you.

Why don't you just write me another note?

Kathy, I know I did a terrible thing, but I was scared.

I mean, marriage is for life.

After I left here, I realized that I'd have no life without you.

I'm sorry, Edward.

While you were gone, I met a very sweet, gentle, kind man.

He's coming back to Arizona with me.

I thought he was married to her.

Not me.

M.

Larry.

Wow, I really hurt you, didn't I?

We have nothing more to say to each other, Edward. Kathy, please. I'm sorry.

So am I.

I don't think so, Miss Kathy.

What's wrong?

I know this may sound crazy, you being such a tasty bag of groceries and all,

but I just don't think it'd be right.

Larry, don't worry about Edward. You heard me tell him that we're through.

I heard what you told him, but your mouth was having a major argument with

eyes.

There's a bird in these woods called a sapsucker.

When it mates, it mates for life.

The boy sapsucker and the girl sapsucker just have something in their eyes that

says, I'm for you and you're for me forever.

I saw that something in your eye for Edward, and in his for you.

Mary, people are not sapsuckers.

I don't know.

Cover them with feathers, jam a big snout on their face, slice off some

lop off their arms, wrap wings on their spines.

hard -pressed to tell the difference.

Oh, we're just a hair's breadth away from being birds.

If you hurry, you can catch up with him.

Oh, Larry, you're so wise.

I'm never gonna forget you.

Larry, what you just did was wonderful.

Then why do my insides feel like they've just been worked over by a Benihana

chef?

I have no girl.

I have no brothers.

I have no home.

Stand back, Daryl. I got a Pop -Tart in my pocket. I'm not afraid to use it.

What's that?

Oh, my, a lovely chafing dish.

To Larry and Kathy, good luck wherever you may roam.

Oh, they've accepted Larry's relationship?

I guess I'm the only one who hasn't.

Daryl, this is beautiful, aside from the spelling.

But Miss Kathy just left town with her previous fiancé.

I realize you've probably taught me for the rest of my days, but go ahead, do

your worst.

You're the best, brothers.

Sometimes things just go so right with that DNA.