All language subtitles for newhart_s04e18_will_the_real_dick_loudon_please_shut_up

John, I just got off the phone and guess
who sold one of his books to a major

video company to be the first in their
series of how -to cassettes starring

local television personality who also
just happens to be the author of that

book? Gee, Dick, you're going to have to
give her more to go on than that.

They want you to make a how -to video?
Honey, that's wonderful.

Boy, you two know each other so well,
it's scary.

I mean, this is great. You know, it's a
chance to stretch my creative muscles

and enter a new level of artistry. Which
book are they doing?

So You Want to Be a Plumber.

Yeah, they're going to shoot a test
scene next week at the WPIV.

They're coming to Vermont to shoot?

Yeah, well, they feel, you know, if I'm
in a situation where I feel comfortable

and with people I know, that it'll be
artistically cheaper.

I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl, and this is
my other brother Darryl.

We would like to announce a grand
opening.

Of what?

Of our new escort service.

We almost called it anything for a buck
escort service, but Darryl thought we

ought to try something more romantic.

The Acme Escort Service.

How'd you guys come up with this idea?

Well, we was wondering how to raise the
money to buy into a timeshare condo near

Epcot when Daryl realized what a
valuable commodity we are in ourselves.

Yeah, you're right up there with pork
bellies.

Thank you.

Daryl, tackle one of them little eye
-catchers right there.

No!

You see, Larry, we have this pile of
brochures, and when single women are

looking for something to do, oddly
enough, the first place they tend to

right here.

Near the bottom?

Go figure, women.

Well, we better get back before them
calls from affection star females start

flooding in.

This is Jerry Nurko, the head frijole of
the how -to video.

Jerry, let me introduce you to our
Cracker Jack crew. This is our prop man,

Not so formal.

Call me Bud.

Our director, JJ.

Nice to meet somebody from the big time.

I'm going to deliver you some first
-class whack -a -da, whack -a -da, bing

-da, bong -a -da.

Boom!

Whoa, wavelength.

And here's our star.

Dick, ready to make video va -va -va
-voom? Michael, I'm only going to change

wa -wa -wa -washer.

It's a simple 30 -second test tape. But,
Dick... Change a washer.

Simple. Eloquent. I love it.

Thanks. It was my idea.

Places, everyone.

J .J., it's only me.

Fine.

Please, Dick.

Hi, and welcome to Dick Loudon's So You
Want to Be a Plumber.

Of course, at today's prices, who
doesn't?

All you need to be your own plumber is a
little knowledge and the right tools.

Where are my tools?

Is this what you're looking for, Dick?

What are you doing here?

I'm your beautiful assistant.

This isn't a magic act. I don't need a
beautiful assistant.

But, Dick, you know, this may be going a
bit too far. My sentiment's exactly,

bad idea, Steph.

Michael!

Listen, puppy knees.

I think it's time for one of those
compromises we've talked about.

Okay.

How about...

You get your way now, and I get my way
about everything else for the next six

months.

Sounds fair.

And take Liberace's toolbox with you.

Fine, Dick.

While we're at it, why don't we get rid
of some other annoying innovations, like

color and sound.

Ready?

Action. Hi, and welcome to Dick Loudon's
So You Want to Be a Plumber.

And of course, at today's prices, who
doesn't?

What's that?

Video cassette recorder.

So I can view all the cassettes I'm
going to be making.

Dick, you wouldn't even get one of those
for me when Gone with the Wind came

out. I wasn't in Gone with the Wind.

Well, I think it's just an expensive
toy.

Frankly, my dear, a guy don't give a
damn.

Excuse me. Can you recommend something
for me to do this evening?

Oh, why don't you look through this pile
of brochures, Miss Parkman?

Oh, an escort service. For God's sakes,
don't.

There must be something else in here.

I don't understand what's wrong with
these people.

That could take an evening in itself.

Miss Parkman, why don't you go to the
Spinnaker? They have wonderful seafood.

Well, I do. love seafood, but I'm the
kind of person who likes to try new

things. Then rent a duck suit.

Just don't do this.

Rent a duck suit?

Well, there's no point in buying one.

Hey, Dick.

Oh, hi, Jer. What's, uh...

What's the word for New York? Everything
is great. Just great.

Except for one tiny glitch. Don't tell
me. The script's a little flat. I've

punching it up. They love the script.

Oh. They hated you.

What? Maybe hate's too strong a word.
They didn't feel you were quite right

the part.

Of Dick Loudon?

Right. We're recasting.

How can I not be right for the part of
myself?

Dick. Personally, I think you make a
damn fine U.

But the research department tested your
plumbing demo and they come up with a

few negative comments.

Like what?

Now, first, you have to understand that
these are not necessarily bad qualities.

They just don't fit in with the home
office's thinking.

Now, for instance, you're boring.

They're just not looking for that.

You're kidding.

And then there's that darn stammer of
yours.

Makes you sound unsure of yourself.

Well, how can they... How can they say
that?

And people don't seem to trust you. Now,
research feels it has something to do

with your shifty eyes.

I'm over here, Dick.

Plus, you don't seem to hit our target
audience, the 20 to 30 -year -old

male.

Who do I hit?

55 to 70 -year -old women.

They love you. They want to have your
children.

The trouble is they don't fix their own
plumbing.

Well, if I'm not doing this video,
nobody is because I'm not going to let

use the book.

Technically, it's not your book anymore,
Dick.

You want to read that?

The author relinquishes all rights to
this book in perpetuity in this medium

any other invented through time.

Throughout the universe.

We like to tie up those little
loopholes.

Hi, Jer. Hi, Dick.

I'm not Dick anymore. They're recasting
it.

What? They say I'm a stammering, shifty
-eyed boar.

Oh, really?

Well, let me tell you something, Mr.
Bigshot.

You can just go back to your fancy New
York studio and use all the high

technology you can find that's not going
to make this project work.

You have nothing if you don't have this
man.

Right here.

Thank you, Michael.

Michael, we're still planning to shoot
at WPIV.

Oh, let's brainstorm on replacements for
Dick.

Michael!

Dick, Dick, calm down. It's not like we
don't want you on the project.

We just want you behind the camera where
you can't bore people.

And you expect me to help you? Well,
forget it. In perpetuity, throughout the

universe.

Dick, we're going to make this video
either way.

You can advise us and see that so you
want to be a plumber is true to your

vision, or we can leave all the creative
decisions up to Michael.

Well, let's make a video.

But how can they fire you just because
some stupid research

says you have shifty eyes?

Yeah.

Ooh, they do keep moving, don't they?

But they're not shifty.

Joanna, can I knock off now? That table
over there ordered heavy cream and I'm

bushed.

Stephanie, Miss Parkman hasn't come down
yet. You're still going to have to

serve her.

No, I won't. She never came back last
night.

Are you sure?

Well, her bed's still made and her
bathroom's unused.

That's what I call a guest.

Joanna, morning.

Let me introduce you to the man who's
going to host your video and make it a

number one seller.

Ed McKendrick, Dick and Joanna Loudon,
George Utley.

Hello.

Why don't you grab a seat? I've got to
call the New York office to check the

messages.

Mr. Loudon, I know how hard it must be
for you to have me coming in like this

and interpreting your work.

I know how personal it must be, and I
feel for you.

Oh.

I want you to know that I've admired
your books for years.

You lug, you.

And I could have never finished my
second bathroom without you.

I'm glad I was there.

Do you mind if I sit down, Mr. Loudon?
Sure.

And please, call him Dick.

All I want to do is take your
enthusiasm, your excitement, your...

and make it come across on the screen.

Gee, Dick, can he stay for lunch?

What are you doing? Get away from him!

What?

I don't want you picking up any of his
mannerisms.

Let me look at your eyes.

Oh, thank God.

You know, I...

I hate to admit it, but Ed is kind of
likable. Yeah?

I could learn plumbing from him in a
minute.

Of course, I already know plumbing, so I
guess I'm not the one to go by.

Ms. Parkman, you didn't call. Acme
Escort Service.

Serving the community for over 24 hours.

Are you all right? I'm fine.

Of course she is.

We haven't lost one yet.

Ms. Parkman, we thought you were going
to have dinner at the Spinnaker.

We begged you.

She didn't need to.

Our fee includes a meal.

I've never trapped my own hors d
'oeuvres before.

Well, where have you been all this time?
She said she wanted to see some

nightlife, so naturally we took her
right to the bat cave.

The bat cave?

They're real friendly.

If you stand perfectly still, they'll
come and land right in your hair.

He's right.

After that, we pretended we was lost in
the woods.

You were pretending?

Well, Daryl sensed you didn't want the
evening to end.

Does he know women or what?

How much do I owe you for... How much do
I owe you?

Well, we'll keep a running tab.

So what time will you be needing our
services tonight?

Ah, thank you.

That's very sweet, but I'm planning to
spend today and tonight washing my hair.

Well, I hate to imprison a noble
sentiment in mere words, but bye.

Well, I have a lot of bathing to do.

Hi, Dick.

What's up? What's this, guys? No
spangled toolbox?

No magician's assistant?

Actually, with Ed here, we don't need to
create the illusion of excitement.

Okay, let's make how -to history.

Don't be afraid to get tight on his
face. Those eyes aren't going anywhere.

Places, please.

Dick, Dick, wake up. He called places.

I'm not in this, bud.

Oh, never mind, Dick. They got somebody.

He's a dreamboat.

And action.

Hi, and welcome to Dick Loudon's So You
Want to Be a Plumber.

Of course, at today's prices, who
doesn't?

What a great ad lib.

I love this guy.

It wasn't an ad lib. I wrote it.

Dick, Dick, put that green -eyed monster
back in its cave.

How many times have you seen a handsome
sink like this and said, man, would that

snag up my bathroom?

Well, I'm going to take you step by step
through installing this baby yourself.

Now, the first thing you have to do is
remove these caps from the water pipe.

Shut off the main valve.

What? Cut.

Dick ruined the scene.

He was doing it wrong.

Before you take off the caps, you have
to shut off the water at the main valve.

Oh, yeah. This thing.

Right?

I thought you knew everything about
plumbing.

Well, I do.

Sink.

Pipes. This thing. Main valve.

You don't know anything about it, do
you?

Give me a break.

It's the best part I've been offered in
two years.

Jerry, this isn't going to work. He
doesn't know the first thing about

Is this true?

No way, Jerry.

He admitted it. He lied to get the part.

I did not.

Who are you going to believe, him or me?

Sorry, Ed.

We won't let him bother you anymore.

All right.

Let's take it from the first thing you
have to do.

Right.

Now, the first thing you have to do is
shut off the main valve and

remove these caps.

See? He knows what he's doing.

Now, to these pipes, we're going to
connect these fittings.

Cut.

Gee, that's funny.

Usually it's my voice saying cut.

Something we can do for you?

Dick.

Ed, you forgot to put in the washer.

I thought we were putting in a sink.

This is ridiculous. He didn't put a
washer in the fitting. Dick, Dick,

such a thing as being too conscientious.
Are we ready?

Action. Now, these pipes will connect
these fittings.

I should point out that this procedure
applies to sinks and to washers.

The correct way to fasten this is with a
croissant wrench.

If you don't have one, ask for it at the
hardware store.

And if they're out of it, try the
bakery.

Well, there's nothing left to do but
open the main valve and

turn on your new sink.

Hey, it works.

Well, Dick, the sky isn't exactly
falling.

So, do you feel like a plumber?

I know I do.

This thing, right?

I'll get the fuse box, please. One thing
at a time. I've got to get the fuse

box.

So, are we going to do another take?

Not with you, Ed. You don't know the
first thing about plumbing.

I know a little bit about it.

Ed. Well, I've used the bathroom.

I had to do it. It was the part.

I know this Dick Loudon. I know how he
walks. I know how he eats breakfast.

I know what he thinks.

Ed, show us how he exits.

Well, what are we going to do?

I've got to deliver a videotape on
Tuesday and we lost our star.

Well, we've got to find somebody.

But who?

What about George Utley?

No, too ethnic.

Oh, what the hell?

Dick, sweetheart.

You don't want to shoot me in this. I
have those... those shifty eyes.

Not shifty.

Bouncy.

What about my... my stammer? Bill,
suspend.

People don't know which way the sentence
is going to go.

But only old ladies like me. Dick,
research shows that 90 % of all research

wrong.

I don't know.

Come on, Dick, don't make us beg.

Actually, what I'd really like you to do
is sing.

Sing? No.

Sing.

And dance.

You're kidding, right?

No song and dance.

No video.

You guys no fine and dandy?

Hey, count me out. I will not
participate in anything this childish

demeaning. I was thinking, Jer, we
really don't have to shoot this at

WPIV. Two, three, four.

Gee, it's all fine and dandy.

Sugar candy, when I'm with you.

Then I only see the sunny side.

Even trouble has its funny side.

When you're fine, sugar candy.

I get so lonesome, I get so blue.

When you're handy, you're fine and
dandy. For when you're gone, what can I