Original subtitles

I tried to jump over that big mud puddle in the yard.

I didn't make it.

Why didn't you just walk around the puddle? Oh, it's not easy to change your

mind in midair, Joanna.

I've got to go back and dig out my boot.

That's really it out there, isn't it?

Uh, what?

Nature. In the flesh.

Hello, I'm Rupert Kalman, and I'm ready.

For what?

To confront nature.

I want to encounter wind, to experience fire, to embrace water.

If you'd like, I can introduce you to mud.

Really?

Excuse me, I don't think I should pass this up.

He wants to embrace water.

I hate to think what he's going to do to mud.

Dick, great news.

I just met with the station manager and Bev approved a statewide Vermont Today

talent search for me.

Hotel, mileage, the works.

We have plenty of good guests right in the area.

Well, Dick, Bev's not satisfied with the guests.

Since when? Since I told her you're not satisfied.

But I am.

Well, Dick, I think you should have made that clear before everyone got so

worked up.

Well, I'll try to remember that next time before I say something I never

Michael! Why aren't you at work?

Steph, great news regarding Vermont today.

Where are you going and for how many days?

Only six, five.

Four days with a present.

What do I get for the other three days?

They're being delivered.

And, Steph, could you possibly stop by the apartment while I'm gone? Water the

plant. Smooth my sweaters.

This is turning into a nightmare.

Cupcake, you know it kills me to leave you, but I'm doing this for Dick.

What?

Dick is making you go. Don't blame Dick. Blame me. I'm letting him make me go.

I just hope you realize what you've got in this man.

I think I do.

Stephanie, I don't know how you could possibly hurt plants in four days.

But you did.

Oh, my.

Are these all you?

Well, there are some strangers in the background of one of them. The lab said

they couldn't get them out.

Stephanie, this is a shrine.

I know.

Michael calls it Cupcake Corner.

I think all these plants need is a little water and sunlight.

Short -term goals.

Higher ratings, more exciting guests.

Smell even better.

Obviously, they're not in order.

Long -term goals.

Accomplished takeover of CVS.

Get chummy with Sinatra?

Of course, that'll be a lot easier once the CBS thing happens.

Right. Well, I'll water. Why don't you see if you can find some plant food?

Boy, water, food, sunlight.

Remind me never to have children.

Ooh.

What's this?

Stephanie, that looks like Michael's diary.

Ooh.

Leather.

Darling little luck.

Sturdy, too.

Stephanie, this book is locked for a reason.

All right, I'll put it away.

Stephanie!

I'm trying to read.

You shouldn't be looking at that. Those are Michael's private thoughts. Oh,

yeah? Whose eyes were all over his short -term goals.

Here's my name.

October 4th.

Steph never fails to amaze me.

She's beautiful, intelligent, perky.

Boy, does he know me.

How could someone that perfect turn into such a thoughtless, selfish child?

Stephanie, I think we should put this away and go.

Oh, no, Joanna. We can't leave yet.

I told Michael I'd smooth his sweaters for him.

I've been reading a horror story.

Stephanie, you didn't.

Don't start lecturing me. I'm too upset.

What's Stephanie upset about?

I really don't know, Georgia. I told you this would happen if you read that.

I think she read something, Dick.

Do you know what kind of stuff is in here?

Stephanie doesn't need a boyfriend. She needs a babysitter.

Well, that's what you get for reading his diary.

Okay, Dick, I've almost got it.

And as far as I'm concerned, Cupcake Corner is a cruel hoax.

Never mind.

Would someone please tell George what's going on here? I'm trying to read.

Stephanie read Michael's diary.

Ah.

Stephanie did what?

Don't you start.

What you did was a flagrant violation of Michael's privacy.

Michael's right. You are sanctimonious.

Page 55.

Joanna. He says much worse things about you.

I don't care.

Let's walk the sanctimonious Joanna Little Miss Perfect.

Okay.

Let me have it right between the eyes.

What does he say about me?

I don't know if he mentions you, George.

Well, he must say something. I'm a natural target.

I don't think you're mentioned.

Oh, my God, Dick, he really lays you out.

Hey, hey, here's something real nasty about me.

Never mind, it's about Dick.

It's like I don't even exist.

I'm Miss Buttons.

Well, I'm a high -bred brat.

I'm nothing.

And Dick is... Oh.

Hi, all.

I'm back.

Miss me?

Perhaps you... You remember me.

Michael Herron.

And how is my reason to live? Drop dead.

Still miffed about this nasty trip business?

Well, get ready to forgive.

I fiddled with the odometer and we can dine out the rest of the week on the

extra mileage.

Shall we start tomorrow at seven?

Hybrid brats never eat before eight.

Well, eight it is.

Yes, I found some primo guests for the show. How about we confab in the

say... Over breakfast?

Fine. That is, if it isn't a problem to set an extra plate.

What could be a problem for Little Miss Perfect?

Well, good.

George, I didn't see you come in.

I didn't!

Well, that explains it.

Walk a weary traveler to his car?

I might do that for my boyfriend, but not my babysitter.

Did you ever get that eerie sense of...

Deja vu?

It's like I've heard all these things before.

Maybe that's because you wrote them in your diary.

Oh, right. Great.

Well, good night.

My

diary?

Here.

Oh, Stan, there's a simple explanation.

My, uh... My pen slipped.

Joanna, I hope you under... Stan, you don't.

George, old buddy, I know I didn't say anything bad about you in here. So you

admit it!

I'm sorry.

Oh, Dick.

Those things I said.

Michael, please don't apologize.

I didn't mean... It was only in the heat of the moment that I called you the

human tranquilizer.

I am not the least... The human tranquilizer? You called

me the human tranquilizer?

Dick, it was only after that one show. Okay, two shows, but they were right in

row. Get out!

Dick!

I have encountered wildlife.

Skunk, right?

So, what's for breakfast?

If it's the same to you, why don't we serve you breakfast on the back porch?

That way the pigeons will land right on your plate.

Really? Boy, this vacation just gets better and better.

Ed, help you!

I sure hope nothing else happens to him.

Then again, I want him to enjoy himself.

May I come in?

What do you want, Michael?

Well, we did set a meeting to talk about Sunday's show. If we don't pick a

guest, you'll wind up interviewing an empty chair.

Not that you couldn't pull that off.

I just want to get this over with.

Well, here are the ten best people I found on my trip.

It's sort of my own personal ten most wanted list.

I hate it when I do that, too.

Steph,

is that you or just a life -size edition of Vogue?

Dick, do I have to take this food to Mr. Kalman? He smells.

I'll take it.

One skunk is as bad as another.

Michael, you searched the state for four days and came back with a man who does

hand shadows of vice presidents?

He's pretty good, Dick.

I don't want him. I don't blame you.

Michael, would you like me to do something with your hat?

Well, thank you, Joanna.

That would be very kind.

perfect Mr. Hat Rack.

May I take your coat? No.

Watch out, heads up, Kingway.

Oh!

Well, I said watch out.

What is so special about this acrobat?

He's 92 years old.

He's kind of an inspiration, Dick. What kind of tricks can he do? Well, not

many.

But he comes with his own maps.

No. He's out.

Michael, my goodness.

I didn't see you there.

That's all right, George. Better sat on out than that.

Dick, forget the last.

Who would you like on the show this week?

I was one of that geologists.

Well, why not?

Say goodbye to Stephanie for me.

Don't forget your hat.

I never will.

Well, thank you for your time, Dick.

I hope to see you all soon.

Oh, no, he's gone.

He just left.

Damn, I reloaded for nothing.

Isn't that just like him? The man is built.

Did you see the way he took my chair?

Sat right down in it while the cushion was still warm. What a sneak.

He's an opportunist. He's a manipulator. He's bug spit.

We're getting close to crossing a line here.

Don't you see what you're doing?

Yeah. We're trashing Michael. And if you're not going to pitch in, butt out.

Come on. He called us names because he was angry and we're doing the same

Well, not me.

I mean, Michael is a real victim here.

We stole his diary.

Well, not me.

Well, I read it, but I certainly didn't steal it.

Well, neither did I.

Dick.

So what brings you here, did you think of some more stuff to do to me?

Stephanie has something she wants to say to you for...

For all of us.

Oh, poo.

There's more.

Michael, after you left, we started to say a lot of bad things.

Where's the picture of me in blue? It was my ninth favorite.

I took it down.

Took it down?

Why don't you just pull a block out of the pyramids?

Stephanie, you were saying?

I don't have to say another thing. After this, Michael and I are even.

Well, maybe I can expand on Stephanie's theme here.

After you left... What the hell is that?

Cupcake corner.

Anyway,

after you left, we...

We were saying terrible things about you.

Well, not me.

But we were saying terrible things because we were angry.

Well, not me.

The point is that, I mean, everyone is guilty of harboring bad thoughts about

everybody else.

But not you.

Including me.

You just said you didn't have bad thoughts about me. I have bad thoughts

you all the time.

Come on, Dick.

You don't have it in you.

I'm chock full of bad thoughts about you.

Name one.

Michael, I'm not going to call you names. See?

You don't have it in you. You're shallow, okay?

Shallow?

I can't believe you said that.

Joanna called you, uh... Honey, what did you call me?

Manipulator, opportunist, uh... Shallow.

I called you a sneak.

Dick, I thought we were friends.

Did you hear what George said? A sneak.

And you should have heard what Stephanie said.

Joanna called you Bud Fitz.

Okay, okay, okay. I called you Phil.

Wow.

Shell?

Well, thanks, everybody.

You've given me a new goal for my board.

Find reason to live.

Michael, will you stop for a second and listen to me?

Get chummy with Sinatra?

We came here to apologize.

Apologize? Why should you apologize?

Because we read your diary. Those were your personal, private thoughts.

I know. I'm sorry. I was wrong to have personal thoughts.

Everyone has personal thoughts. All you did was write them down.

I'm sorry. I'll burn the diary.

Michael, it was wrong of us

to read your

diary.

Let me see if I'm following this.

You're saying you're wrong.

Morally wrong.

Then I'm right. Yes.

Morally right.

I think we finally struck brains.

So, in other words, what I'm entitled to feel here is a kind of... Outrage?

Moral outrage.

Well, all right. Get out! Everybody out!

Come on, go talk to yourself! Out! Crap! Beat it!

Dick!

How long does one remain morally outraged?

Six days.

Get out!

Well, I really don't know how to thank you folks.

Well, obviously shaking hands is out.

Here's your receipt.

And Doc Phipps says if you'll just stop by on your way out of town, he'll be

happy to give you that rabies shot.

Well, thanks again, and rest assured I'll be telling everyone I know about

Stratford Inn.

Yeah, he'll be a walking advertisement for this place.