Original subtitles

Hi. What have you got there?

How's it look like?

Dick.

Darts.

Yeah, I finally found them. Those are those custom -made hand -tool babies I

used to use in college when I was a college champion.

Champion slash legend.

Yeah, when I hung these babies up, I was undefeated.

Now I'm needed again.

For what?

Oh, this coming Thursday, the station is having a big dart tournament.

Tournament slash massacre.

Afternoon, Star.

Star's better hat.

Where's that little blonde I like to call?

Stephanie.

She's in that little place we like to call her room.

Stephanie, Michael's here.

Dick, I'm... I'm setting up teams for the dart tournament. Are you any good?

Whoa.

Bullseyes beware.

Dick was a champion in college.

Dick, what would you say if I teamed you and yours truly on the same team with

Bev Dutton, the head cheese at WPIV?

I'd say, are you and Bev lucky?

going to the grand opening of that new French restaurant on Thursday. You want

to come?

It's an opportunity to dress up and be seen with me.

Ouch. The station's annual dart tourney is Thursday.

But, Michael, a grand opening happens only once.

Annual things are like every year.

But this is business, Steph, and you do have Joanna to go with.

And we can date every night right up to the bad one.

Well, I'll try that.

But you're still going to have to do something about this.

That retract lip.

Let's get out there and date.

Your turn, Beth.

I love these tournaments.

The one time of year we can drop the employer -employee thing and just get

together like old friends.

and wheat, bozo.

We're gonna smoke their butts.

Let's not get cocky, Bev.

Let's just leave them to death.

Hey, Dick, those look neat.

Can I use them, too?

Oh, I'm sorry, JJ. These are especially balanced for my hand.

Fine, Dick.

Why don't we all like we're four and not share our toys.

What'd you get, Dick?

Fifteen.

did you plan to leave for dead?

Fifteen?

I'm not sure what's wrong.

Dick, Dick, maybe you're too tense.

Your turn, Michael.

Oh, yeah, sure. Sorry.

All right, now, Dick, I want to see some relaxing, and I want to see it now.

How'd you do, Michael?

Oh, uh, 128.

over a hundred more than six.

Michael, Michael.

We're going to mop up the floor with their heads.

Wait a minute.

I know what it is.

I've never worn a jacket like this before playing darts.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's... That's much better. The jacket was

the culprit.

If he says his shorts are the culprit, I'm leaving.

Steph, what are you doing here?

Oh, that stupid restaurant canceled its grand opening.

Stephanie, the place caught fire.

Poor Steph.

When you left the house, you had clothes on, right?

Obviously, you don't understand ducks.

I'm ready. Let's go.

Go? But this is kind of important, and you said I could have tonight off.

That was before I had nothing to do. Michael, it's your turn.

We'll go someplace as soon as the tournament is over.

Michael, you want me to wait in a basement where people are perspiring?

We're leaving.

But, Seth, I'm a hero. Dick went to pieces, and I'm carrying the day.

air sound to you.

Thanks, everybody. I had a wonderful time.

Michael, it's amazing he throws darts so well with no spying.

Ta -da!

Very good, George.

Yeah, I thought bullseyes were going to be hard to get.

But with these darts of yours, you can't miss.

Unless you're real good like you.

Were you throwing from the regulation distance seven feet nine and a quarter

inches? Oh, well, see, that explains it.

I must have been throwing 15 feet.

I'll go back and do it right.

Oh, Joanne asked me to remind you that it's... Attic Cleaning Day.

You're kidding.

You mean I completely missed Attic Cleaning Eve?

Hi, George.

Can I have a minute? No.

Because you left last night, I lost my first dart tournament in 17 years.

And then I had to listen to a taunting crowd chant, take it off, take it all

off.

I know, Dick. I'm sorry.

You what?

I'm sorry, I behave badly, and I'm not going to make any excuses.

All right, who are you, and what have you done with Michael?

Dick, I was mad when Steph made me leave the dart tournament last night, but I

thought it would go away.

Then in the restaurant, when the champagne tickled her nose, and she

all I could think was, I'm not liking you.

Dick, I'm scared.

I mean, there was one time when I didn't like her dress.

And there were four humid days when I didn't like her hair.

But I've never not liked her.

Well, maybe the first step in getting to like Stephanie again is not letting her

walk all over you like last night.

What could I do? She was stamping her side forefoot.

So? Well, what do you do when Joanna stamps her gunboats?

First, it isn't like Joanna to stamp her...

Her gun bullets.

And if she did, then I'd have to... blow her out of the water.

Gee, Dick.

I never thought I'd want to be you before.

Honey, I could use your help in the attic.

Not just now, dear.

Dick, you've been putting this off for months. We really should get on it.

I said not now. Get out of my face, woman.

Sorry, Michael. I usually try to do that in private.

I think if I said that to Steph, she'd leave me and take my tongue with her.

But I guess I've got to say something.

Get out of my face, woman.

Okay, let's hit that attic, sweetheart.

Before we do, could you kiss me again?

No goosebumps.

Well, they're probably bunched up underneath your clothes.

All right, where are they?

Steph, I'm really sorry, but ever since you made me leave the dart tournament

last night, I... I'm having...

Trouble liking him.

Well, you're forgiven.

Steph, listen to me. You run this relationship, and I don't like it, I

Well, this sounds like a criticism.

And if it is, there are plenty of men out there who would love to make me

This is exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about, pretty much.

If I don't do what you want, you threaten to leave me.

I can't go on like that.

Okay, this is definitely a criticism.

Michael, I don't waste my time with people who don't like me.

Now you have five seconds to reword everything you just said into a

I can't.

You're upset. Take another five seconds.

Steph, you're not giving me any choice.

I can't...

Keep on being with you and loving you and not liking you.

I don't think we should see each other anymore.

You certainly seem better.

Well, you can't walk around grieving.

Misery really ages a face.

You should remember that, Joanna.

But I am starting to lose patience with Michael.

It's been three days.

If he doesn't call pretty soon, this relationship's in big trouble.

Stephanie, you two broke up.

Isn't that sort of the suburbs of trouble?

Good morning.

So much for your suburbs.

Joanna? Cup?

Stephanie?

Good morning, Michael.

Steph?

Yes, Michael?

Could you return my Julio Iglesias album?

Joanna, is Dick in his office?

Yes. Thanks. See you.

Well, that's not what he's supposed to do.

Stephanie, maybe you should talk to him.

Joanna, when he ignored me...

And demand custody of Julio.

Well, it's over.

Starting tonight, I'm dating again.

Has Stephanie gone?

She's out on the porch. Why?

Michael, she lives here.

Michael, pull yourself together.

I can't.

But misery ages the faith.

Joanna, I need a man's opinion of how pretty I look.

Where's Dick?

He met Michael for lunch and then he went to the station for the show.

Is it Sunday already?

Let's see.

Paul, Jerry, Ken, Bill Habib. It is Sunday.

Do you like any of those guys?

Well, Ken was nice.

But his highest aspiration is to buy a pickup truck and equip it with really

tires.

Michael? Maybe Patrick will be different.

He's an artist.

I wouldn't mind seeing paintings of myself in a major museum.

Hi, Stephanie.

This is a new dress.

Looks new.

Oh, stop.

That's a very nice shirt.

Oh, thanks. It belonged to my brother. He was on a diet, so he gave me all his

fat clothes.

So, Patrick, I hear you're an artist.

Where the hell did you hear that?

You said you were a painter.

Well, I used to paint houses, but that was nowhere.

Now I sell paint, which is an art in itself.

You know why people buy paint?

I mean, ask the layman. He'd say the color. Wrong.

It's the name of the color. I mean, the more peas in a paint's name, the better

it sells.

with some yakety -yakety, and go to a diagram of the anteater's lair, then we

trot out the stuffed anteater, and we close with some blah -blah -blah.

Yeah, it's always smart to build to the blah -blah -blah.

J .J., right after the opening, I want a camera. Oh, ten seconds to air, Dick.

What? Nine.

Eight.

Oh, my mistake, Dick. Thirty seconds to air.

Always makes the same face.

Hey, the stuffed anteater isn't on the stage.

Hey, let me know when you want that anteater.

Now, bud.

And we're on in three, two, one, and nap time, everybody.

And now, Vermont Today starring Dick Loudon with today's guest, anteater

Francine Marhoffer.

You, Dick.

Francine, you're a Vermontinator. how did you become interested in our long

-nosed friend from the South?

Well, Nick, we have ants in Vermont, so first I became interested in... Patrick,

why don't you wait here, and I'll let you know if we need to continue this

I'll be there by the papaya pink wall.

See? Three peas.

Michael, I want you to stop this breakup nonsense.

I might as... Steph, you're willing to compromise?

Michael, my part of the compromise is I'm here.

Your part is that everything goes back to the way it was before.

Let's zoom in on this diagram and we can all see how anteaters live.

Steph, I can't go back.

You'll just... Who's the guy in the hand -me -downs?

He happens to be a respected artist.

Ignore him.

J .J. Dick needs a zoom or something.

Oh, uh, camera one, zoom in on the diagram.

Michael, I've missed you.

Haven't you missed me?

Well, sure, Steph.

It's just not the same lip -syncing to West Side Story without my Maria.

But I don't miss the way things were.

Oh, you are just the most stubborn man.

Now that we've taken a good...

on Francine's stuffed anteater.

Okay, where's the anteater?

This thing eats ants.

Doesn't seem like a fair fight.

Michael, there's got to be a compromise that doesn't involve me.

Afraid not, Steph.

Ah, now that the anteater is here, it's exactly as you described it.

I'm sure the home audience would agree if we ever show it on camera.

The audience can't see the anteater.

Oh, and they won't. We have to go to commercial.

Cue Dick.

What?

We'll be back with the anteater after this message. Roll commercial.

What is this?

I busted my tail to get you an anteater. There was no rush.

What the hell is...

If you don't mind, Dick, Michael and Stephanie are trying to patch the... I

don't care. Don't listen to them. Direct the show.

Anything you say, Dick.

Michael, will you hurry up and straighten this thing out? My anteater

falling to pieces.

I can't, Dick. She won't budge a scooch.

Stephanie, why won't you budge a scooch?

And then you got a scratch on it, so you unloaded it.

Well, if I back down, it's kind of the same as having a

scratch. Oh, Steph, I'd never unload you.

I'd just like you to come with a few more options.

Michael, now I know why I love you.

You are the sweetest man that ever lived.

Now, what is the least... I can do to get you back, and I mean the very least.

Let me be selfish sometimes.

Like, if you really want Italian, and I really, really, really want Chinese, we

go for Chinese.

What if I really, really want Italian?

Then we count reallys.

Deal.

Thank God that's over.

Steph.

More? When we don't agree on something, you can't threaten to leave me.

Can I still get mad and pout and go on buying binges?

Well, Natch, I never asked to have you declawed.

What kind of a show are you doing here? Me? No one in the control booth was

paying attention.

Sure. And at the dart game, you blamed your shirt.

Really? J .J. was listening? Five seconds, Dick.

I'm not going to fall for that again.

Bev, I'm the only one in here who's doing his job.

And now, back to Vermont Today.