Original subtitles

Uh -oh.

Here's another new word I can look up.

Mellifluous. When did you start looking up words, George?

Remember last week when my friend Dutch had his appendix out? I went to the

hospital and they said he was in the solarium.

Well, a cold chill went up my spine.

I said, oh, Lord.

Dutch has lost his mind.

But you know what the solarium turned out to be? A sunroof.

That's right.

Well, if I'd known the Dutch was just getting a tan, I wouldn't have run

screaming down the hall.

I looked strange, Dick.

That's when I decided from now on I'm going to look up all the words I don't

know.

Oh, my marmalade's touching my eggs. I hate that. I hate it. I hate that.

Don't you think Stephanie is being a little too fastidious?

Having high standards.

I looked that up yesterday, Dick.

Keep it up. You're going to be a regular thesaurus.

I'll be right back.

Dick. Oh, hi, Joanna.

Hi, Michael.

Dick, I have an important question for you.

What's your favorite dessert?

Strawberry shortcake.

No, pie.

Gee, I really thought I had that one.

Why pie?

Because that's what I told the pie bake -off committee, and I made you head

judge. Well, I don't want to be head judge. Who does, Dick?

But this is a great opportunity to publicize your show.

Look, Michael, that's not the image I want for the show. It's not dignified.

I mean, judging pies is not something that, say, Edward R. Murrow would have

done. I happen to know he would have, Dick.

No, he wouldn't.

Yes, he would.

How can you say that?

Dick, we can go round and round with this all day.

The point is, do more of these promotional -type events, and we'll be

attract the big names to Vermont today. Not sleeping pills like that writer

we've got Sunday.

Gabriella Pudney?

Who? Exactly.

Michael, can't you get me out of this contest?

It'd be a lot easier if they'd ask for you in the first place, Dick, but you

sort of volunteer.

Well, all right, as long as I'm getting what I wanted.

Michael, I thought I heard your voice.

Tiffany, how are you? I'm okay now, but I had marmalade touching my eyes. Oh, I

hate that. I hate it. I hate it.

Harley?

Harley Esten?

Hello, Joanna.

Hi, Beaver brother.

Hello, Harley.

Haven't seen you at the Beaver Lodge.

You know, I didn't want to run the risk of over -beavering.

You don't have to tell me.

I almost didn't recognize you, Harley. You look really handsome in that suit.

Well, then I've been handsome for three days now.

How's the job hunting going? Pretty good. I got one.

Congratulations. When do you start?

Well, I'm sort of doing it right now.

Exactly what is it you're doing, Harley?

Oh, I've got something for you, and it's got your name on it.

Honey, isn't that cute? He's got a little sales pitch and everything.

Here it is.

This does have my name on it. Yeah, it's a subpoena.

What?

I'm being sued.

For what?

I'll tell you as soon as I find out.

What is it, Harley?

Well, I'm supposed to sell tickets to the Bieber picnic.

And I figured, well, two birds with one stone, you know.

Every year, as you know, the beavers... Go home.

Okay.

I don't believe this. I'm being sued for plagiarism. What?

I found out what thesaurus means.

What's transpiring here if I'm not being too much of a thesaurus?

Someone's accusing Dick of plagiarism.

Be right back.

I stole how to seal, grout, and plumb your way to a dream bathroom. Well,

absurd. Don't get excited. This happens to writers all the time. Probably just

some poor, pathetic misguided... They're suing for half a million dollars.

Blood -sucking leech.

Nelson, I never heard of this guy. I never read his book.

I mean, I thought of this myself. I typed it myself. I'm innocent.

Dick, this is all very useful.

A lawyer... loves to see this kind of conviction in the client.

If I were in your shoes, facing what you're facing, I'd be a quivering mass

nerves.

You would.

See, that's what I hate about this.

You're a perfectly nice, innocent man.

And this farmer, Whitley McVeigh, comes along.

He hasn't written anything in his life. He's got no case whatsoever.

But because he's finished with his plowing, He slaps a lawsuit on you. It

galls me, Dick. I love your conviction.

The man is a nuisance, a nobody, a nothing.

A blood -sucking leech, right?

Doesn't deserve to share the same planet with you.

And the only way to handle a guy like this, Dick, is to settle.

Dick, settling is the only way to go.

But I'm innocent.

You're coming at this with a layman's point of view. You're obviously

innocent with not guilty.

I guess they're light years apart.

Welcome to my world, Dick.

See, what you have here is a large window of vulnerability.

And I don't want that.

See, if we go to court on this, you stand to lose everything you own and

everything you love.

If we settle, we'll make them sorry they ever started up with us.

Dick, Dick, I hate it too.

I mean, seriously, sometimes I don't know why I stay in this profession.

It's probably the money.

I don't want to settle. I want to fight it. I want to be vindicated. And I want

to send Whitley McVeigh to the gas chamber.

Dick, sit down, please.

Now, we have two options here.

The first option is we settle.

Now, I once got a request for half a million dollars knocked down to $3 ,500.

Turns out all the guy wanted was a speedboat.

Could happen here.

The other option.

The one that you spoke so eloquently for.

We go to court.

Your name is dragged through the mud.

We could end up paying the half million.

You're branded for life and you never get published again.

Now, Dick, I'm flexible on this.

Which one sounds good to you?

Well, how's it going?

I don't know. Nelson's making some phone calls.

We're going to settle.

What? Dick, you're innocent.

I know, but apparently I'm not not guilty.

What are you talking about? I thought this McVeigh guy doesn't have a case.

He doesn't, but it seems I have this big vulnerable window.

Honey, trust me. Going to court is the last thing we want to do.

Dick!

They won't settle.

We go to court.

Dick?

Dick, have you seen this?

No.

Dick Loudon sued for plagiarism.

When did they start using red ink?

Actually, honey, the story itself is pretty impartial.

and continued on page 60 thief.

Well, that's the last time I take my lips to Peterson's drugs and stuff.

What?

I was buying lip liner this morning, and the pharmacist was telling everybody

that he's not surprised you're a plagiarist because he once saw you

roll of Lifesavers.

Ernie said that? Can you believe that guy?

I mean, for two years I've been shopping there. We exchange Christmas cards.

And never in all that time have I once mentioned the fact that he has a nose

could open cans with.

I stood up for you, Dick. I told him you were innocent and he was petty and his

selection of lip liners was a major disappointment and I stormed out.

Sounds like you really chopped him off at the knees.

Hi there. Hi, Michael.

Stephanie, you look beautiful this morning. Except for my lips.

Oh, yes.

They're unlined.

Remember that pie judging contest you were so dead set against?

Yeah. Pulled some strings.

Got you out of it.

Oh, and that writer you were iffy on, Gabriella Pudney?

86. Michael, what's going on here?

Nothing, just trying to keep you happy, Ted.

What if I told you that I wanted to judge the pie contest and I demand to

interview Gabriella Pudney?

Well, you couldn't get the pie contest now if you begged.

And Gabriella canceled.

She said she was afraid you might loot and pillage her life's work.

Articulate gal would have made a fine guest.

Who is doing the show? Actually, Dick, not you.

What? You mean Dick is fired? He's not exactly fired, Joanna. More like on

leave. In the army, people clamor for that.

Rico, why is Dick off the show?

Well, some of the guys at the station, not me, feel that a television host has

to be welcome in their living rooms. And Dick won't be if they're afraid he

might... Steal an ashtray. Dick has never stolen anything in his life.

This whole thing really stinks.

Joanna, please.

Michael, this whole thing stinks.

Michael, I am seeing a side of you that up until now I've managed to ignore.

But if the man I love can't support my good friend, then I'm just upset.

Stephanie. I need some time to think.

Don't call me.

Don't try to see me.

And if you think you can get to me by sending me gifts, I guess I can't stop

you.

Good turnout.

Well, here comes the opposition now.

That's Whitman, okay?

Uh -huh.

I can give him a piece of my mind. No.

Bad form.

Look, the reason you hired me is because you don't know your way around the

courtroom. I do.

And you don't have to do anything here without my say -so.

I am your only friend.

You got that?

Got it.

Hey, Ali.

Thanks for the opera tickets.

They were just great seats.

Glad you could use them.

Do you want to ask him to sit with us?

Hi,

my name is Corky.

Hi, Corky.

I love you very much and I'd like to go home with you and I'd like to bring my

friend Michael because he's a swell guy.

Would you please read the letter that was sent to you by Mr. Loudon's

Dear Mr.

McVeigh.

Dear? Ha!

Thank you for submitting bathroom repair for our consideration.

Unfortunately, it does not... It does not meet our needs at the present time.

Well, you know what this is.

It's just another fancy pants way of saying tough darts, farmer.

Mr. McVeigh, tell us. When did you find out about Mr. Loudon's dream bathroom

book? It was about three months ago.

I went into the hardware store and I saw this book with a funny looking guy on

the back cover.

It was him.

Objection to the characterization of my client as funny looking.

Sustained.

And then what happened? I bought the book.

It was the same topic as mine. Had same number of chapters, same publisher, same

everything. Well, about a week later, it hit me.

He stole my book.

Objection. Sustained.

You're a witness.

Thank you.

Mr. McVeigh.

Don't you think that a half million dollars is an exorbitant amount of

Exorbitant?

Excessive, beyond reason.

Mr. Utley, let me ask you. Why does Mr.

Loudon require the services of a handyman?

To do stuff around the inn.

But Mr. Loudon is a how -to expert, isn't he?

Why doesn't he... do stuff around the end himself.

Well, I never thought about that. I guess maybe it's because Dick isn't real

handy.

Oh, he isn't? No, he does keep saying those who can do and those who

can't write books telling people who do how to do the things they do do.

I believe that expression is borrowed from George Bernard Shaw's He Who Can

Does. He who cannot teaches.

Now wait, I think that Shaw guy must have got that from Dick, because that

Dick Loudon written all over it.

Thank you, Mr. Utley.

Mr. Loudon, I'd like to read a little to you, if that's all right.

Sure.

You have Treasure Island?

No, but you should still find it interesting if I'm reading from your

To change the faucet handles, simply remove both screws.

Do you remember writing that?

Well, it's not my best stuff, but... How about, you should choose the shower

head that's right for you.

Guilty.

And I have one more.

Clean the tile carefully with a damp cloth.

That sure sounds like me again.

Your Honor.

Let the record show that the passages that I have just read aloud, which Mr.

Loudon identified as his own, are from pages 6, 14, and 29

of Bathroom Repair, written by Mr.

Whitley McVeigh.

Oh, no!

No for the question.

Redirect, Your Honor.

Dick, I'm, uh...

Taking a new tack. Stay with me on this.

Mr. Loudon.

If you wanted to remove the faucet handles in the bathroom, what's the

thing you would do?

Remove the two screws.

And if you wanted to advise someone on... buying

a new shower head, would you recommend that he pick one out that was, say,

for him?

Not generally.

Most people are happier with, say, one that's right for them.

And what's the best way to clean tile?

Send it out to the dry cleaner?

Or you could run it through a car wash.

Actually, the best way is to wipe it with a wet cloth. So when you and Mr.

McVeigh were writing these things, you were simply reporting the facts with a

capital F.

What you're really saying is anyone could have written that book.

Your Honor,

I ask you.

How can Mr.

Loudon have stolen material which he himself admits could have been written

any fool?

Nelson. By a child of six. By a monkey with a typewriter.

By a child with a monkey with a typewriter.

By Mr.

Whitley McVeigh. By Dick Loudon. What difference does it make?

Objection.

You're objecting to your own attorney?

Well, they certainly aren't going to object.

Your Honor, may I speak?

You may.

Of course, how -to books on the same subject have similar passages. But, I

how many different ways are there to, say, remove the two screws?

Remove one screw, then the other.

Remove both screws.

See those screws?

Take them out.

What's the difference? I'll tell you what the difference is.

May I please have exhibit A and B, please?

Please.

I would like to read from Bathroom Repair by Whitley McVeigh. This is the

chapter of his book.

Anyone who has a bathroom knows that it needs fixing.

This book will help you fix it.

But you'll need tools, too.

Competent, I grant you.

Now I would like to read the first paragraph in my book.

Imagine colors.

Smooth and restful.

An oasis of shimmering water, deep and cool.

Plants of luscious green with bursting flowers.

Mirrors bouncing images with magician's quickness before your eyes.

These words only begin to suggest what could be your dream bathroom.

And these words.

Are my words.

That's lovely.

Thank you, Mr. Loudon. I think we can dispense with the closing arguments.

I am prepared to rule.

In my opinion, Mr. Loudon's writing is unique.

Clawing.

But unique.

But none of his book was derived from Mr. McRae's manuscript.

I find for the defendant.

Vote adjourned.

Well, Dick, we sure showed them.

Marlene, you busy for dinner?

Oh, honey.

Oh, I always knew you'd win.

Congratulations. Yeah, they declared the book mine and bad.

I just hope that Shaw guy doesn't hear about this. We could be back here in a

week.

Dick, I'm awfully glad things turned out this way. I always knew they would.

In view of this verdict, I'm officially authorized to invite you back into the

Vermont Today family.

I hope we can let bygones be bygones.

Michael, I don't know you.

Behave rather badly. I really... Come on, Dick.

All right, I forgive you.

Well,

should we go home?

No, I've got a better idea.

Let's get out of the hardware store and see if they got any of your books.

I still say you stole my book.

Tough darts, Farmer.

Meow.