Original subtitles

Walt, George, you're going to be there next Thursday.

Why not?

Oh, no, you lost another one?

Well, you got to remember to turn off the milking machine.

Well, then don't milk during family feud.

It'll come anyway. It'll cheer you up. Oh, great.

I better go. I got about a million beavers to call.

Why? Is something going on at the lodge?

Sure is.

Next week, we're honoring our man of the year, and guess who's our man of the

year?

You. Whoa, talk about woman's intuition.

It's here.

It arrived.

What on earth is this?

DeForest Cosmetics.

And it's all mine.

Stephanie, where did you buy all this? I didn't buy it. It was free.

One starter kit.

Another one.

Another one. Oh, Lord, I love this country.

Stephanie, that's an awful lot to get for free. Isn't it?

Moisturizer, blusher, apricot scrub.

Is this your signature?

On this contract?

I didn't sign a contract.

I filled out a coupon.

According to this, one of the kits is your free gift. You have to sell the

others or pay for them.

$625.

That sounds like a catch.

Yeah.

Well, that's mean.

We don't have that kind of money.

Well, then I guess you'll have to sell them.

Sell them?

Joanna!

I'm a buyer by birth.

Can you picture these hands making change?

Selling isn't so bad, Stephanie. It's just, well, you know, talking to people

and getting them to see that they need your product.

Oh.

Joanna, would you like to do something about those crow's feet?

Stephanie, I'm willing to buy one of the kits, and I do not have crow's feet.

If I agree with you, will you take two?

Just one.

Well, one kitten, one second. Maybe I am good at this.

Well, so far, I've got Harley and Dwayne and Walt.

Oh, by the way, Walt killed another cow.

Yeah, family feud again.

Hi, Harley.

What's the box?

Just Stephanie's makeup.

Oh.

Oh, I don't know. I haven't asked him yet.

Yeah, he's right here.

I'll let you know. Bye.

Ask me what, George?

Dick, next Thursday, the Beavers are honoring their man of the year. And

who's the man of the year?

Oh, no, not me.

No, me.

Well, congratulations,

George. You must feel very honored.

I know I would.

I do. They're going to have a roast for me. You know, the big dinner where

people tell jokes about me. I've been on the phone all day inviting everyone.

You're inviting people to your own roast? Yeah, it's part of the honor.

I also get to buy the food and put up the decorations.

That's a lot of honor.

And, Dick, I'd like you to come. I know you don't like the beavers, but...

George, why do you think that? You never come to any of the functions.

George, we went to the picnic last summer, remember?

Yeah, I was teamed in the three -legged race with Al Sweaty Whitlow.

Well, but that's the last one you went to.

Yeah.

Well, George, since it is your night, I'll come. Oh, Dick, that's great. And

you'll be a speaker, too?

You mean tell jokes?

George, you know, I'm not really good at that sort of thing. Sure you are.

You'll have them rolling in the aisles.

Well, the beavers are always rolling in the aisles.

Oh, do it, Dick. It'll be fun.

That's what you said about the picnic.

Come on, Dick. Do it for me.

George, you really want me to roast you? Like a pig.

Since you put it that way.

Terrific. I better get started. I've got a podium to build.

Do I know how to give a roast or what?

George, I think it's so

pleasant that...

So nice.

So affable.

So what?

Hello?

Well, hi, Mr. Burgess. Thank you for calling back.

Yeah, I know you're an old -school chum of George's, and I figured maybe you

might have some funny stories about things that George did.

He forgot his hat one day.

Uh -huh. What else?

The hat was it.

Yeah, a side splitter was the word I was thinking of.

Thank you very much.

Hi, consumer. You know, a woman's face is her calling card.

Stephanie, Joanna already has one of your makeup kits.

Yeah, and she loved it. I think she's almost used it all up.

After three days?

Right. This stupid stuff isn't moving.

I don't understand it. DeForest is the best makeup you can get.

I wear it.

I thought everybody would want to look like me.

If I weren't me, I would.

Well, maybe you just haven't tried hard enough. Are you kidding? I have spent

the entire morning knocking on doors and everybody just keeps telling me I'm a

pest.

When are we getting some new guests?

Hi, all.

Hi, George.

Would you want to buy some makeup, would you? Okay.

George, what are you doing? You don't even have a girlfriend.

I'm not dead, Dick.

That'll be $24 .95.

Gee, that's pretty steep. Oh, it's deforest.

Well, that's the best you can get.

My first non -sympathy sale.

Is this the shelf that's loose?

Yeah.

Are you working on the stuff for my roast?

Yes, yes, I am, George. Can I take a peek?

Well, you know, it's a little rough.

George Utley is so... That's good!

George, it doesn't have a punchline yet.

Well, with a start like that, maybe you won't need one. Boy, 20 more like that,

maybe even a couple with endings, we got ourselves a roast.

Boy, that husband of yours.

It's going well?

Yeah, I'm the king of the half -liners.

I just can't think of anything funny to say about George. I mean, he's such a

nice guy.

I mean, George really lends himself more to a eulogy.

Lots of funny things you could say about George.

Not alive.

Oh, come on.

What about... What about that time he went to Boston and he brought back a can

of baked beans?

What about it?

Well, that was a cute story.

George isn't very well traveled. I might be able to use that.

There you go. I gave you the beginning. You just have to tack on an ending.

Endings.

And you talk about slow.

George was so slow one day in school, he forgot his hat.

Will I ever live that down?

Our next speaker is a good friend of George's.

Welcome Harley Esten!

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and

George go to a doctor, and the doctor tells them they have six months to live,

and they can have anything they want.

Then the other two guys say some stuff that isn't so funny.

But then George says, I want to see another doctor.

George isn't married, but if he was, his wife would be fat.

How fat?

Oh, let's see.

So fat she'd need her own area code.

for a moment.

As you all know, I've been working down at Ferguson's feed store.

Well, that is until today.

There was a slight accident.

I never knew oats were combustible.

Anyway, I'm sort of out of work again.

Well, so is everyone down at Ferguson's.

So if you know of any openings, I'm especially interested in the fence

industries.

But enough about me. Let's hear it for this crazy nutbucket here.

Is this one for the Beaver Book of Memories or what?

I tell you, I laughed so hard, I sneezed beer right through my nose.

Dick, you remember sweaty Whitlow, don't you?

I'm starting to, yeah.

Well, I'd better get back to my chair.

I hope this night never ends.

Seems like it won't.

Judging from this next speaker's attendance at our functions, I'd say

an eager beaver.

This could be you, Dick.

He's George's employer.

Welcome, Dick Loudon.

Well, thank you, Mr.

Chair Beaver.

Tonight we're honoring George Utley as man of the year. It just goes to show

what kind of a year we've had.

George is something of a homebody. I think the furthest he ever traveled was

around a Monopoly board.

I don't want to say that George is not well -traveled, but recently he did

complain of tractor lag.

As you all know, George isn't the greatest dresser in the world. I

they're making a movie about him called Dead Men Do Wear Plaid.

known as an intellectual, but he just completed work on a book. He did a

good job, too, except he colored the grass red.

I told you you would not go far that night.

Whoa,

I take it the rose went well last night. I only killed him.

This mouth is now a registered weapon.

Oh, well, I bet George was delighted.

I didn't get a chance to talk to him. He had to wash the mugs and then return to

rent a chair.

Part of the honor?

Yeah.

Excuse me, young lady. Is your mother here?

My mother?

Joanna, is that you?

You look 20 years younger.

Must be that new DeForest cosmetic starter kit you've been using lately.

Stephanie. Would you believe this lady is 62 years old?

I'm not 62.

No, she doesn't feel 62.

Not since achieving that youthful goal... I'm sorry.

Sorry, everyone. The medicine show is over. Please just ignore this.

Dick!

Please! They were reaching for their wallets. I want you to stop bothering

guests.

Then I'll never sell these.

And they'll drag me up. to jail and I'll only get to wash my hair once a week

and I'll die.

Oh, morning, George.

Morning, Joanna.

Morning, George.

Morning. Sounds like you had quite a roast last night.

Yeah, great. Listen, I'd like the day off.

I think I'll wander down to my secret fishing hole.

Whatever you want, George. Are you okay?

Well, you might say I have a touch of tractor lag.

Cracked your leg? What was that all about?

Oh, that was in one of the jokes I told.

Well, George seemed kind of upset about it.

I don't know why. He seemed to be having a good time last night.

Well, what did you say?

I just told a couple harmless jokes like everyone else, only funnier.

Like what?

Well, like I said... I said, George is somewhat of a homebody. I think the

furthest he's ever traveled was around a Monopoly board.

And... And I said, George is working on a book, but he colored the grass

red.

And... And I said, they're doing a movie about George, and

it's called Dead Men Do Work Bad.

Dead men do wear plaid.

You know, he wears that shirt all the time.

So, in other words, you called him a dim -witted, pathetically dressed yokel.

Well, you know... Hello?

Oh, hi, Joe.

No, he just went fishing.

Has he made up his mind about what?

There must be some mistake. George is happy here.

Not... Not anymore.

I'll tell him you called.

That was the Prescott Hotel. George applied for a job there this morning.

Oh, no.

Well, I hope you're satisfied. Mr. My Mouth is a weapon.

Honey, if anyone is looking for me, I'll be down at George's secret fishing

hole.

Where is George's secret fishing hole?

Hi, George.

How did you find my secret fishing hole?

I just asked around at the end.

Who knew?

Everyone.

Are the fish biting?

Not yet.

Skeeters sure are.

You, uh, you mind?

George, are you thinking about leaving the Stratford?

What would give you an idea like that?

You got a call from the Prescott Hotel.

Dick, I don't know if this is the right time to bring this up, but I'm thinking

of leaving the Stratford.

Well, George, if it's because of anything, I...

I said last night, you know, I hope you'll forgive me.

Mosquito.

You really hit on some sore spots last night, Dick.

I didn't do anything except what everyone else was doing. I mean, Dwayne

you slow and Dutch called you a knucklehead.

Well, those guys are buddies. They always kid me. You've never done that.

When you said those things, they sounded so true.

Yeah, but I'm, you know, I'm your buddy, too.

And you're mine, and those jokes were done out of affection.

You wouldn't like it if I did jokes about your shortcomings.

That wouldn't bother me, because, you know, I'd know the spirit they were

done in.

What?

What shortcomings?

Oh, I could mention that you're a neatness freak.

That wouldn't bother me.

What if I told people about the time you threw the lint fit?

That wouldn't bother me.

And how many guys refuse to go to baseball games because they're afraid of

hit by a foul?

A lot of people every year are seriously injured.

I got a fish.

No, that's a branch.

Are you crazy? It's fighting. No, it's not. You're fighting it. It's just a

branch. George, I'm telling you, I'm on the business end of Moby Trout.

You want me to clean that for you?

I guess it's too small.

I guess the... I guess the Prescott offered you more money?

Lots more.

Well, you know, I mean, the point is... And a suite.

Well, you know, all that I'm trying to say... Cable TV, too.

You know, I mean, the Prescott's a big hotel. You know, I couldn't match their

offer, but...

You know, you and I are friends, you know, and I'd hate to lose you.

And the end sure could stand a guy who could tell a fish from a branch.

Well, if I turned down the Prescott Hotel with the suite and all that money,

wouldn't it be kind of dumb?

Sure sounds dumb.

And I'm dumb.

Looks like you got a story for the next roast.

Of course, I've always got the branch story.

Well, why don't we catch us some fish?

Hold it, Dick.

George, all of those were mosquitoes, right?

Well, that one was.

Thank you.

Meow.