Original subtitles

Well, you're not early this morning.

What have you got there?

The cosmetics.

Where do you keep all that stuff?

Any place I can find.

Would you like me to make something for you to keep all that in?

You mean like a vanity?

Would you, George?

Sure, I'd be glad to.

It wouldn't have to be anything fancy. It'd just have to be a place to hold my

moisturizers, mud packs, foundations, powders.

Blushers, mascara, eyeliner, eyeshadow, curler, lipsticks and glasses.

Is all that on there now?

Most of it.

Boy, when you wash your face, it must be this big.

Where's, uh, where's Joanna?

She's in the basement doing the laundry.

Holly, would you come up here for a second?

In a minute.

As long as you're doing this, do you think you could build me a swivel stool

I can do this?

What are you guys talking about?

George is going to build me a vanity. Isn't that great?

Stephanie, don't you think you put a little too much emphasis on, you know,

you look?

Well, maybe, but what am I supposed to do?

I mean, nobody's ever said to me, gee, Stephanie, you're smart, or gee,

Stephanie, you're fun to be with.

All I've ever been complimented on are my looks.

Frankly, Dick, being attractive can be a real burden.

Yes, that's true. You don't know how lucky you are.

Oh, I have some good news.

Paul Fraser called me. He's the host of Book Talk, and he wants me to be his

guest this Sunday.

You're kidding. That's wonderful.

Yeah, that's fantastic.

What's Book Talk?

Yeah, I don't think I've ever seen it.

Well, it's a local television program where they interview writers.

About what?

About what they've written. No wonder I've never seen it.

Well, I'm proud of you. I think it's great.

The most beautiful girl in the world. Fix my ties out. Cooks me dinner. Is a

winner. Hi, guys. Everybody.

The most beautiful girl in the world.

Cooks me dinner.

I take it Cindy cooked dinner for you last night. It was unbelievable.

We had veal scallopini, carrots vichy, creamed spinach, chantilly potatoes, and

French chocolate mousse.

But then, I guess when you're in love, anything tastes good.

So what's new with you guys?

We just found out Dick's going to be on Book Talk this Sunday.

Book Talk?

Is that the show that's on at four o 'clock in the morning right after Amish

aerobics?

No, it happens to be a very highly thought of program on Sunday. What

Sunday? It's the filler between the end of the football game and the news.

Certainly sounds like something people take seriously.

Look, it doesn't matter what time it's on. It's an honor that Dick has been

recognized as a fine writer.

Or a fine filler.

Well, I know I'm going to watch.

Me too.

Not me.

Why not?

Because I'm dating Cindy.

I have a life now.

Well, I think the least you can do is take a few minutes out to watch Dick.

This is true.

Can I watch it over here? My TV's broken.

Of course.

We'll make it a party.

Well, pop some popcorn, have some hot cider, and make an afternoon of it. Boy,

that sounds great.

Would you like me to bring something?

Sure, what would you like to bring? Cindy.

That is fascinating.

We're talking to Dick Loudon, author of Let's Build a Barbecue, and we'll be

right back after this commercial word.

He's doing great, isn't he? I can't believe Cindy had to work today.

Kirk, would you stop pouting? She's entertaining at a child's birthday

This is what I hate about dating a professional clown.

They're always busy on weekends.

That should be my time this summer.

Kirk, you're being selfish.

I'm being selfish? I'm not the one who picked a day to turn six.

Shh. The commercial is almost over. Well, big whip.

Kirk, if you don't want to watch, why don't you just go home?

No, no.

If I stay here, at least I know there's someone more bored than I am. Who's

that? The guy who's talking to Dick.

Welcome back.

We're talking to Dick Loudon, author of Let's Build a Barbecue, which you can

pick up at your neighborhood bookstore.

No, it's not in the bookstores. It's in the hardware stores.

Oh.

Locally, it can be found at Handy Sam, the hardware man.

Well, thank you, Dick. You've been a wonderful guest.

I'm sorry the game ran long and we didn't have more time to talk.

Well, you know what they say, sometimes a man says more when he doesn't say

anything.

So true, so true.

Well, that closes the cover on another Sunday afternoon.

This is Paul Frazier for Book Talk saying, keep reading.

Well... Thanks, Dick.

I really enjoyed talking to you.

I like the book, too.

Oh, thank you.

Nice program, Paul. Oh, thanks.

Dick, this is our producer, Michael Harris.

Oh, how do you do? Nice show.

Thank you.

Well, if you do excuse me, I've got a few calls to make.

Dick, can you spare a moment?

Yes, sir.

I like the way you handled yourself out there. You're witty, you're articulate,

you think quick on your seat. I was impressed.

Thank you. I mean it. You've got poise, charm, and intelligence, and you seem to

possess a keen insight into human nature.

Well, you're no slouch yourself.

Let me get right to the point.

Paul is leaving us. In fact, this was his last show. We've been looking around

for a replacement.

I think you'd be perfect.

Me? Why not?

Well, don't get me wrong. I'm flattered, but I don't have the time. Well, this

doesn't take much time. All you need to do is schedule a guest and read a book a

week. You do read, don't you?

You, uh... You really...

Think I could do it? Not only do I think you could do it, I think you'd be

terrific at it. A show could really use a personality like yours.

Not to mention, it would be an opportunity to meet and talk to other

Well, I must admit I would enjoy that part of it.

And you can get anybody you want because it's your show.

Well, there are a few writers out there I'd like to talk with.

Why don't you give it a try?

Okay, what the heck.

Great.

You know, I was honored just being a guest on the show.

I never thought that I'd be a host.

Carson better hope I never do the Tonight Show.

That's wit, right?

Right. Love it.

Well, see you next Sunday. What time should I be here? Just make sure you're

here by the two -minute warning.

Al, do we have any Danish?

you want me to pick up anything on the way.

Okay, well, I'll see you in about 20 minutes. Bye -bye.

Oh, hi, Dick. Something I can do for you?

I just came over to say I was sorry to hear that you're leaving.

What?

Oh, my God.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was under the impression that leaving was your idea.

No.

Don't leave yet.

I'll be right back.

Well, a check with David, get back to me.

Excuse me. Oh, hi, Dan. I thought Paul knew he was leaving.

You didn't tell him, did you? Yes.

How'd he take it?

He's crushed, who wouldn't be?

Look, I... I can't take this job. Oh, Dick, listen, you don't understand. Paul

is leaving, whether you decide to be the new host or not.

This decision was made long before we spotted you.

Yeah, still. He's been here 15 years. I think they just feel it's time for a new

face. Look, it's not even my decision. This comes straight from the president.

Of Channel 8, I mean.

And you're sure there's no way that Paul could get his job back?

Dick, they're already out there scraping his name off the parking space.

Believe me, you're not squeezing anybody out.

You're filling a vacancy.

I still don't like the idea.

But you will do it?

I guess so. Terrific.

But I'm, uh... I'm dedicating next week's show to Paul. That's a super

See you next week.

Elliot, you're a literary agent. You must know some authors.

It's not Timbuktu. It's Vermont.

Well, I don't care who you get. Just get somebody.

Nobody wants to do the show.

I thought you were going to get Norman Mailer.

I was. He turned me down.

You talked to Norman Mailer?

I talked to his agent secretary. She turned me down.

I mean, honey, the only reason I took this job was to meet and talk with

authors. I thought they'd be as excited as I am to be on the show.

Well, what are you going to do?

I'll just hope Ellie can come up with somebody.

If she doesn't, I may wind up interviewing myself.

Well, is there anything I can do to help?

Can you write a book by Sunday?

I have got great news.

Guess who's going to sponsor your show.

Oh, Lord.

You would not believe how cheap it is to advertise on that program.

I don't want to hear.

Are you sure? It's funny.

Why are you doing this, Kirk? It's the perfect tie -in. The host of Book Talk

my neighbor and my best friend.

Will you quit calling me your best friend?

This is not the kind of program where you hawk hamburgers. Dick, I realize

a classy show, but I intend to do a classy commercial.

That's why I want Joanna to be my spokeswoman for the cafe.

Me?

Joanna? Honey, I really don't think we both have to be that surprised.

I think you'd be perfect. You're the most sophisticated woman I know. I am?

Yeah. What do you think, Dick?

Well, honey, it's up to you, but... I mean, you really want to be seen

representing a... greasy, crummy cafe?

What would I wear?

Anything you want.

Dick, I know you're worried that Kirk is going to do something embarrassing, but

if I were there, I could make sure that didn't happen.

Honey, I told you, if you want to do it, it's up to you.

Well, okay.

If everybody really thinks I'd be good.

Great. We have to shoot the commercial on Sunday. Sunday's fine.

Wait a minute. Neither of us is going to be here on Sunday. I'd better tell

George and Stephanie.

Oh, by the way, they say TV adds ten pounds to you, so you might want to drop

few beforehand.

Well, have you seen the producer of the show?

Have a good show, Dick.

Michael, wait a minute.

Where have you been? I've been trying to reach you all week. You never returned

my calls.

Didn't I? Sorry.

What's the problem?

Well, you never told me how hard it was to get guests.

I mean, you said it'd take a couple hours. I've been on the phone all week

calling people.

Gee, I hope you got somebody.

Yeah, I did. I don't know how good he is. I got him at the last minute.

Well, what's his book?

The Complete History of the Universe.

Sounds good.

What's the problem?

This is it.

Well, don't worry. The game will probably go into overtime. You'll just

for a few minutes anyway. Have a good one.

Two minutes, Mr. Loudon. Have you seen my guest?

That's starting to hurt.

Excuse me, Mr.

Loudon? Yes.

My name is Lloyd Minninger. I'm supposed to be your guest today.

My guest's name is Donald Boom. Well, apparently Mr. Boom couldn't make it and

I'm supposed to be a replacement.

Oh, great.

Just when I need it. I'm sorry if that's a problem.

No, no, that's all right. I just haven't read your book.

I have it right here.

Up the Amazon by Colonel Lloyd Menninger.

You're a colonel? Yes.

Air Force, but I'm retired.

Oh.

What's the book about?

It's about a canoe trip I took up the Amazon a couple of years ago. One

Mr. Loudon.

Okay, do you think you can talk about this for 10 or 15 minutes?

Oh, I can talk about this for days.

Great.

Thank you.

Okay, I'll introduce you, and then I'll say, tell us about your trip, Colonel,

and then you take it from there.

Fine. Hey, when I give you your cue, read this.

And this is Book Talk.

For those of you who are used to seeing Paul Fraser sitting in this chair, I

should tell you that Paul has decided to leave and go on to what I'm sure will

be an incredibly successful career.

Doing something else.

Just a personal note.

Good luck, Paul.

This one's for you.

guest in the studio today is Colonel Lloyd Menninger. He's written a

book called Up the Amazon.

Colonel, tell us about your trip. Thank you, Dick.

I've always been fascinated by stories about the Amazon. So when I retired from

the Air Force, I arranged for some guides and canoes, and after months of

planning, set out to travel from the mouth to the source of the Amazon.

The whole trip was a medley of...

And why is that?

Well, there were times the mosquitoes were so thick we couldn't see each

And sometimes the air was so heavy we felt we were drinking it instead of

breathing it.

And yet, the sheer spectacle of those deep green rainforests, unspoiled by any

man, was worth every inconvenience.

Now, did you get to the source of the river?

Not quite, Dick.

About five... Five months into the trip, we decided to explore a tributary

hundreds of miles from any civilization.

A day or two into this side trip, we pulled the canoes over to the bank and

decided to do some exploring on foot.

We walked for several miles when we came upon a clearing in the jungle that had

some of the most breathtaking scenery I think I've ever seen.

Why don't you tell us about it, Colonel?

Well, Dick, it was a beautiful primeval valley filled with hundreds of varieties

of exotic vegetation.

and perhaps most amazing, a herd of prehistoric dinosaurs.

Uh,

what?

That's right, Dick. Some docile brontosauri, flying pterodactyls, and of

the king of these great beasts, the carnivorous tyrannosaurus rex.

Needless to say, we were shocked.

Amazed.

Simultaneously amazed and terrified, we were torn between running for our lives

and running for our cameras.

Are you trying to tell us that you found dinosaurs in South America?

Correct. Of course, I would not be making these claims without documented

I have here an actual...

unretouched photo clearly showing the existence of these giant reptiles.

I can't make out anything in that.

Well, of course, it was taken from the air.

Wait, wait a minute. I thought you said you made the trip by canoe.

We did, Dick. But we were graciously transported aloft to take this

by the extraterrestrials who live in the area.

Extra... extraterrestrials. That's right, Dick.

They are actually ball -shaped and communicate through telepathy.

Don't go away.

Not that you would.

We'll be right back after this word from our sponsor. And we're into commercial.

All right, okay. Great guest, Dick.

Michael Howard.

Terrific. Thank you.

Can we get makeup here?

Michael, could you please say, after the show, okay?

Just look at the monitor, Dick. I'll cue you when the commercial's over.

Hi, friends. Kirk Devane, owner of the Minute Man Cafe.

How much would you pay for this delicious, juicy, all -beef hamburger

wonderful white bread bun?

Well, don't answer yet.

What if I threw in a very green lettuce leaf, an entire onion slice, and some mm

-mm lip -smacking pickles?

Now, how much would you pay? Well, don't say anything, because at the Minute

Man, we also give you your choice of condiments, mustard or ketchup.

expect to pay as much as $15 or $20 for a meal like this at some restaurants.

But at the minute, man, the monster meal in a bun is only $3 .29.

You heard me right, $3 .29.

And they are irresistible.

Why, this lady here, turn around, is on her fourth burger.

Yes, a perfectly attractive woman willing to eat herself into obesity.

You will, too, once you've had a monster meal in the bun at Kirk Devane's

Minuteman Cafe next door to the Stratford Inn owned by your book talk

Loudon. Back to you, Dick.

We're back.

To you, Dick.

Right.

We're talking with retired Air Force Colonel Lloyd Menninger,

who has written a book called Up the Amazon.

In which he purports to have seen dinosaurs and aliens

living somewhere in Brazil.

Colonel, I'm sure that you'll have to admit that you've made some

claims, and at the risk of sounding realistic,

it seems to me that if there were...

dinosaurs and alien beings on the banks of the Amazon, we would have heard about

it before this.

Well, not from me, Dick.

I've been in hiding.

Hiding.

Correct, Dick.

The government is trying to kill me.

Obviously, when I say government, I mean specifically the CIA.

They know that if this information were to get out, it would panic the public.

But...

you're not hiding now.

Well, Dick, I didn't feel I could pass up an opportunity to speak on

I've been trying for months to tell my story over the airwaves.

But as we all know, the three major networks as well as PBS and most cable

channels are now controlled by the Soviet Union.

I'm afraid that's all the time we have for today.

Four more minutes, Dick.

Not for me, pal.

This is Dick Loudon for Book Talk saying goodbye.

And please try to forget this.

And how long have you been in the KGB, Dick?

Meow.