Original subtitles

What are you looking at, George?

This new lawnmower they came out with.

I sure can't wait till spring.

Hello. Hello there.

Hi. We were just out for a drive and couldn't resist stopping to see if you

a room.

Oh, good.

How much are your rooms?

Doubles or 35?

35. We're not usually this impulsive, but once in a while we just like to do

things for the fun of it. Why not?

It's room three. Enjoy your stay. Thank you.

Stephanie, would you show this couple to room three?

I haven't cleaned room three yet.

But we haven't had a guest in room three in two days.

Well, why don't you just tell the whole world?

Why don't I just put you in another room? Thank you.

Follow me.

Oh, George, um...

Are you doing anything right now?

Just waiting for spring.

I thought maybe you could help me build a birdhouse.

Sure, why?

Oh, there have been a couple birds chirping outside my study window for the

couple days, and I thought we could give them a home.

Oh, that's nice.

That's nicer than killing them, which is what I was going to do if they didn't

stop chirping.

I am not mad at you. I'm just saying it's important to try to keep all the

clean all the time. Okay, okay.

What's the matter?

Joanna's mad at me. I am not. mad at you. Well, you're irritated.

I am not.

Well, whatever you are, you've hurt my feelings and made me feel terrible.

I'm sorry.

Well, as long as you're sorry.

Good morning, everybody.

You sure seem in a good mood. I'm in a fantastic mood, and if you're not too

busy, I'd love to tell you why. And if you are, I'll come back another time.

don't you come back another time?

You are busy?

No, but as long as you're giving us a choice.

Dick, what is it, Kirk?

I'm in love.

Oh. Okay, okay, I realize I've made that statement before, but this time is

different. Well, tell us about her. Where did you meet her? What's she like?

What was she wearing?

I met her last night at Barney's Restaurant.

Her name is Cindy, and she's incredible.

We stayed till the place closed. We talked about everything.

Politics, books, music, philosophy.

Do you know she's from Kansas City and lived there right up until the time she

moved here?

That's absolutely incredible.

That's what I thought.

I must admit, I've never seen you this excited.

I don't think I ever have been.

I wonder if I really am in love.

Joanna, you were in love with Dick once.

How did you know?

Kirk, I'm still in love with Dick. But if you're asking how I first knew, well,

it was a lot of things.

Not being able to think about anything but him.

Not wanting to do anything unless I could do it with him.

When you're first in love, life just has an intensity it's never had before.

How did you feel, honey?

Good.

Just good?

No, it's still good. I can't find words to describe it.

That's exactly how I feel.

When are you planning to see her again?

Tonight. I'm taking her to dinner.

Do you think I can bring her by here to meet all of you before we go? Sure. We'd

love to meet her. Great. You know what else?

Cindy's the first girl I met I couldn't lie to. I went through the entire

evening without telling her I was Warren Beatty's brother.

It sounds incredible, but the stupid truth seems to be working.

I think that's the first time Kirk's come over here and not made fun of

Well, there's nothing like that wild Russian emotion when you're first in

Yeah.

Well, we had a wonderful time. Thank you.

This is going to be beautiful.

Yeah, adding a second story was a great idea.

What color do you think we should paint it?

Well, we can always paint it white like the Stratford.

Uh -huh.

Well, there's always blue.

That's true. I like blue.

You know, George, I think we should extend the roof here. What do you think?

kind of had my heart set on blue.

Well, we can decide on the color when we finish. The important thing now is

concentrate on getting it done. Right.

I remember my dad built me a birdhouse when I was a kid.

Everybody in town said it was the best birdhouse they ever saw.

I bet it was.

It was blue.

Hi, guys. Hi, Kirk. What are you doing?

Building a birdhouse.

Oh, what a great idea.

Did you want something, Kirk?

Yeah.

It's three hours to my date with Cindy, and I'm getting nervous.

About what?

Look, I'm going out tonight with the classiest girl I've ever met in my life.

don't want to blow it.

You won't. Just be yourself.

On second thought, don't be yourself.

Be who you were last night. I don't remember who I was last night.

You told us this morning you were honest with Cindy.

I was, but you know what a liar I am.

Maybe my being honest was a lie. I mean, I know I was a great guy last night,

but I also know there are a lot of things about me people don't like.

What if those things start leaking out during the date?

What do you want us to do? I want you to help me make sure I don't do any of

that stuff tonight.

Tell me everything about me that repulses people.

Kirk, your date is in three hours. There isn't time.

Dick, I've been decent to you for a half a day. Give me a break here.

Look, if I really thought it would help, I would do it. But you can't change

your whole personality in three hours. Sure I can. I've done it in two seconds.

Come on, help me.

All right, the main thing is you're obnoxious.

Obnoxious?

Good.

You're insensitive. You make fun of people. You criticize people. You make

people feel stupid. Hold it, speedboat. I'm trying to write this down.

You're selfish. You're vain.

You don't put any meat in your hamburger.

Keep going. This is great.

Basically, I would say that you're a person who has no character, no morals,

principles.

Thank you, Dick.

You're the best friend a guy ever had.

Oh, by the way, I'm wearing my gray slacks with a blue blazer tonight.

What do you think?

Fine. Yeah.

Blue is my favorite color.

I brought you some wine, too.

Oh.

You're half an hour early.

Actually, it's an hour. I've been sitting in my car.

Well, I just got home this second. I haven't even had time to change.

Are you okay out there?

Yeah, perfect.

What are you doing?

Just breathing your air.

How long does it take you to change?

you mind stopping by my best friend's place on the way to the restaurant? I

them to meet you. Oh, I'd love to.

Oh, I love the unicycle. Can you ride it?

Sure.

I love discovering new things about me. Cindy, I can't wait anymore. I miss you.

Come out here.

Oh, but I'm still in my work clothes. I don't care.

Oh, but Kirk, I wanted to look pretty.

You look pretty in anything.

Come on.

I guess it just never came up.

Why, does it matter?

No, it doesn't matter. I guess it's just something I wasn't prepared for, that's

all. I guess there are a lot of things I wouldn't be prepared for, and I guess

you'd have to put clown at the top of the list.

Well, now you know.

Oh, look what you did.

Thank you, they're beautiful.

Have you always been a clown?

Uh, no, not always. I was, um, a kid and a teenager for a while.

Although in high school, I must admit I was voted class clown.

I see. I take it these are all your props.

Mostly, yeah.

These are my noses. Noses? I make them myself out of little rubber balls and

then I paint them. Oh, clever.

Here, guys.

Smell these.

Let me go take my makeup off and then put my makeup on.

your friends.

Well, take all the time you need.

I just can't believe that after the longest day of my life, we're finally

together like this.

Me either.

Okay, you and your wife are confirmed for Saturday.

You're welcome. Bye -bye.

How does this look?

You look fine. That's the second time you've changed.

Well, we're meeting Kirk's girlfriend. I want to look nice.

What are you going to wear? This.

Oh!

That's cute.

Oh, dear. What a great sport coat.

Well, we're meeting Kirk's girlfriend. I want to look nice.

Maybe I'd better go up and change.

Guys?

Too late. Too bad.

We just stopped by because we wanted everybody to meet.

Cindy, this is Dick, Joanne, and Stephanie.

Hi. This is Cindy.

Well, see you later. Wait a minute. Where are you going? Well, I know you

are busy, so we'll be on our way. Don't be silly. We haven't even seen her yet.

Hi. Hi.

Come on in. Sit down.

I guess we can stay for a few minutes.

I thought I heard voices out here.

George, this is Cindy. Oh, hello. Pleased to meet you.

Oh, thank you.

Well, can I get anyone something to drink?

Uh, not for me, thanks.

Oh, we really don't have time. We're running late, just as it is.

Where are you going tonight?

Um, Kirk's taking me to the River Club. Oh, nice.

I'm really looking forward to it. I don't get that many chances to dress up.

Right.

What do you do?

What kind of question is that?

I'm sorry.

That's okay.

Um, I'm a clown.

A clown? Really? You mean like in a circus?

Well, no, not exactly. I work at children's hospitals and, you know,

parties, stuff like that. I really love it.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, let's shove off.

Kirk, what are you in such a rush about? We got all dressed up. Well, Dick and I

did. And now you're running away before we've had a chance to talk.

This is fascinating.

Earth, would anyone want to be a clown?

Well, you know what they say. Everybody loves a clown.

Can you do somersaults and juggles, stuff like that? Oh, yeah. Would you do

something for us? Oh, yeah.

Hey,

guys, it's her job. I mean, we're not asking Dick to write a book or Stephanie

to clean a room.

No,

I think Kirk's probably right. I mean, if there's anything I hate, it's a pushy

clown. Anyway, you know, I mean...

Kirk's got it in his head that I shouldn't perform, so, you know, maybe I

shouldn't. Unless he's got something else in his head. I don't know. Let's

Oh, I think maybe he does.

went through getting them in there.

Well,

that was fun, but it really is late and you have to go.

What time is it?

Where's my watch?

You check your ear?

Oh, well, here. Why don't you use mine?

That's my watch.

Oh, wonderful.

Fabulous.

You got me started.

You're sure you have to go?

nice meeting you. Oh, thank you. It was great meeting all of you. Yeah, I just

knew someone as special as Kirk would have really special friends.

Enjoy the River Club.

It's very romantic. It's a great place to be alone.

That's just what I'm looking for.

We'll see you.

Finished with the birdhouse? Dick, Joanna's waiting to see it. Just about.

Oh, it's beautiful.

You know, when I die, I think I'd like to come back as a bird and live here.

Well, that's good, George, because a place this size is going to need a

handyman.

Dick, I've got to talk to you.

About what, Kirk?

Notice anything?

You're still here?

I'll be outside.

Well, I see you're all soft again.

I'm sorry. I have a problem.

What is it?

Cindy.

What about Cindy? We thought she was wonderful. She is wonderful. She's the

wonderful person I've ever known.

Up until last night, I thought she was my dream girl.

And in walked Bozo.

You're upset because she's a clown?

Wouldn't you be?

You were here the other night. You saw what happened.

I mean, even at the restaurant, somebody asked her to do a trick, so she pulled

an olive out of my nose.

It was humiliating.

Kirk, I really think you're making too much of this.

How would you like it if Joanna did that to you?

Well, in the first place, I don't think it would bother me. And in the second

place, my nose isn't big enough to pull an owl about it.

Ha, ha, ha.

I'm dating Miss Baggy Pants and I'm living next door to Mr. Funny Pants.

Look, I need some help here.

What do you want me to do, Kirk?

Be a friend. Solve my problem.

I can't solve your problem because your problem is you're a jerk.

I mean, you have a chance with maybe the only woman in the world who'll put up

with you. And you're going to blow it because you can't deal with what she

You think I don't know that?

I keep thinking how great my life with Cindy would be.

Then I think about people reading the wedding announcement.

Kirk Devane and Cindy Parker wed today.

Groom is a prominent local businessman.

Bride is a clown.

I don't think I could live with that, Dick.

I don't know what hope there is for you.

I don't know either.

Look, you're either going to have to decide it doesn't matter that much, or

you're going to lose her.

I think this is the biggest decision I ever had to make in my life.

I think so, too.

And for advice, I came to the man who's built the most ludicrous birdhouse on

the face of the earth.

Close your eyes.

see each other, I'm going to have to buy myself a wine rack.

Right.

Oh, I should have asked you before. Do you like lamb chops?

Sure. Good.

I'm going to put the stuffed tomatoes in the oven. Why don't you just sit down?

And Sean, afraid of me, really.

But then I did a couple of somersaults, you know, and honked my horn a couple of

times until he laughed out loud.

It made me feel so good.

Yeah, I had a great day.

How was yours?

What?

Not as great.

Listen, Cindy, something came up today you should know about.

What? Um...

Yes, I have to go to this convention.

Well, I thought you said you ran a cafe.

I do. It's a cafe convention.

It's about grills. I don't want to get too technical.

It's in Vegas. It's a big deal. They have it every year. I'll get in a lot of

trouble if I don't go.

Anyway, you might not be hearing from me for a while, so I'm just telling you in

case you meet anybody and want to get married.

Are you trying to tell me that you don't want to see me anymore?

Of course not.

If that's what I was trying to tell you, I'd be honest and say it.

Come on, Kirk. I don't believe any of this.

What's going on?

Nothing.

The truth.

Oh, Cindy.

What? What's the matter?

Why did you have to be a clown?

What's wrong with my being a clown?

Nothing. It's just that I can't deal with it.

Oh.

Well, that's funny, you know. I just never thought that anyone would have a

problem with it.

No one would but me.

I'm the only one in the world.

I just don't see how you can let this make a difference.

Do you think I want to be like this? I like you. I more than like you. I think

you're the best person I've ever known.

You just embarrass me to death.

I can't not be a clown, Kirk.

I know.

It's what I've wanted for as long as I can remember.

But when you were a little girl, didn't you ever want to be something normal,

like a ballerina?

My father took me to the circus, not the ballet.

Come on, what if I asked you to give up your cafe?

Say when.

Oh, now, come on, that's not fair.

No one has a right to...

Ask another person to give up something they love?

Do they have the right to suggest alternatives?

This is okay, Ada. It actually makes me feel better.

Kirk.

Listen.

I want to make something really very clear.

I like you.

I like you so much.

I also like being a clown.

I've studied and I've worked so hard to become one, and it makes me happy.

I wish it made you happy, too.

I'm sorry.

You're sorrier than I am.

I guess I better go.

I'm sorry about dinner, too.

It's okay.

Well?

So long.

I don't like you too much.

But what about being with a clown?

It's better than being without one.

Boy, you know, you had me scared there for a minute.

I can't believe I've fallen in love with Clarabelle.

This calls for a celebration.

Do you have any champagne?

Yeah, but Kirk, this is like a major moment in our lives. I think we need

something even more than champagne, you know?

Festive. Like what? Special. I don't know.

Oh, what about this? What?

Could

I

have a glass of milk with that?