Original subtitles

Oh, Mo, hand me the remote, girl. My soap is about to come on.

You see, I don't know why you watch that junk. It's all fake.

None of that stuff really happened.

Oh, really?

Girl, have you seen your life lately?

You are the diva of dysfunction.

What do you mean?

Mo, your dad's nephew is now his son. His sister raised your brother, who grew

up calling her mom only to find out that she was his auntie.

Then, after he stole the car and went to boot camp, you helped your new brother

find his real mother.

And you forgot in the middle of all of that, I caught my best friend kissing my

boyfriend.

Well, like I said, you know, your life is like a soap opera.

And like a soap opera, everything in my life is working out.

You and I are friends.

Daddy and Dorian are talking now, and it's good that he's getting to know his

mom.

Really, Mo? Yeah.

That doesn't bother you?

No, why should it?

Mo, she had an affair with your father. I mean...

Have you ever thought about what would have happened if your dad stayed with

Barbara Lee and your mother raised you?

You see, that's crazy.

I'm just saying, Mo.

What if?

Hey, Dorit, we're going to the mall to get a scooter.

Mom, mom, mom, those things are dangerous.

The child could break his neck.

It's not for me, it's for Dad.

He said something about saving money on gas.

Save money?

When will it stop?

We already grow our own corn.

Oh, you should be used to it. You know this won't last. It's just like the time

he had us chopping our own firewood.

You know what? I kind of like that. I was kind of getting a buck.

You want to go to the mall, Dorian?

Mom, you know I don't go anywhere until I finish my homework.

You know, there's always some honeys at the mall.

Ma, those little pet names for women aren't endearing.

They're quite degrading.

You are so right, baby.

You're so right.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, sweetie.

Oh, Barbara, look at you.

Mmm.

Mmm, you smell good. What is that?

It's my new perfume, Feta Mon.

Well, your pheromone is messing with my hormones.

Jeez.

Mom, Dad, can you do that smacking somewhere else?

We have an advanced space calculus test tomorrow.

Oh, gosh.

Slow it down. Sorry, son.

Everybody say... Moesha.

Wait a minute. What are you doing in town?

Yeah, it's not a holiday.

Whatever. What up front?

Actually, she said a lot more than that, but I'm going to just stop at the high.

Oh, Marisha, not another piercing.

Yeah, cute, ain't it? I did it myself.

Yeah, what next, a neck bolt?

Hey, Barbara.

Hey, Mo.

Oh, that's a nice nose ring.

Thank you. You want me to hook you up? All I need is a needle and a broom

Hey,

Mo, I missed you. I missed you more.

want this time?

Ooh, I feel the love in this room.

Man, I hitched all the way from Seattle just for this.

I don't know why you keep doing that stuff to yourself.

Aren't you worried about infection?

Aren't you worried about becoming a lifeless drone with no imagination or a

for life?

Aren't you worried about becoming a pincushion?

Shut up.

You know, Mo, I like the way you look. Thank you, ma 'am.

So, Moesha, what brings you here this time?

Well, I came to talk to you about another business venture, Frank. Oh,

Yes. It will only cost you $10 ,000.

Uh -huh.

Moesha, that do -rag must be wrapped too tight on your head. I know you didn't

just say what I think you just said.

Dorian, I'll handle this.

Miles, why don't you go outside and see if there's anything lying on the ground?

Moesha's lost her mind.

Oh.

Come on, Pop, hear me out. Look, you can come up on this, too. Oh, is that

right? Oh, for sure.

Hey, Barbara, you hear that?

Moesha's going to make us rich. All I have to do is kick in ten grand.

Now, Frank, you know, Moesha might have a good idea. The least we can do is hear

her out.

You're right, Barbara.

For a second there, I thought I'd already heard enough.

All right, Moesha, go ahead.

Yeah, tell Dad how he can come up.

All right, look.

My friend, Chapada Tweed, just came home from Paris, right? And her hair was so

back. I mean, the girl couldn't get a press and curl nowhere.

So I figure I'll go over there, open up a shop, and help the sisters out.

Oh, just like that? Yep. You're going to go over there and open up a business in

Europe? No, I stay at Paris. You ain't hear me?

I'm going to get you a globe for your birthday.

Alicia, baby, you have no license, no degree, and no professional training.

Uh -uh.

Frank, I've been doing here in my mama's kitchen ever since I got out of high

school. I mean, even Barbara lets me hook up her touch -ups, right?

You know what, Frank?

Moesha being an entrepreneur might not be such a bad thing. Well, it's okay if

she's an entrepreneur, just not with my money.

You know what, Mo?

I think it's a great idea.

Can I come visit you in Paris?

For sure, Mal. We'll tear Paris up. Mal, don't listen to her. That Paris

nonsense is crazy.

It's not crazy, Dorian.

Look, my Parisian sisters don't know nothing about the two -strand twist on a

baby doll head.

She'll pot a tweet and then knee me up over there.

Now, Frank.

About that money. Mm -hmm. You got your checkbook on, you don't want me to go

get it for you.

Moesha, I'm not giving you a penny to two -strand twist the sisters in Paris

anywhere else.

Now, if you want to talk to me about something reasonable, like you going to

college, we can talk.

You bastard.

What you looking at, nerd?

Moesha! Girl, clean up this mess. This is not a beauty shop.

Oh, so you admit I need a beauty shop.

Look, Pops, I understand you not wanting to give me the money in front of Dorian

and Miles and making them jealous. It's cool.

Moesha, that had nothing to do with it. I am not giving you money for something

so ridiculous.

Come on, Frank, let me get one of them Saturns. I'm pretty sure I can get a

quick 10 Gs, folks.

Moesha, it's not going to happen.

Let me kick it to you like this, Frank.

You owe me, okay? You have to do this.

Moesha, I don't have to do anything.

I should have known better than to ask you. I mean, if Dorian and Miles asked

you for the money, you would give it to them.

So? Oh, so you admit it? No, no more. I'm just not going to let you run that

guilt trip on me.

Well, since I haven't seen my brothers in a while, I guess I'll just stay and

visit. That is, if you haven't changed your mind about Paris.

Moesha, you're my daughter, and you're welcome here anytime.

Cool.

I might even check out a few colleges while I'm here.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

So, uh, why the sudden interest in college?

Well, I know it's always been important to you, Frank, and I think I should

check it out.

Oh.

Well, you know, Cal U is a good school.

Do they teach cosmetology? Because I'm not trying to get a degree in something

I'm not going to use.

Dorian.

Dorian, you ready?

Sexy chocolate.

It ought to be a crime to be that fun.

No wish. Speaking of crime, how'd you get rid of that house arrest ankle

bracelet?

So what? Open up. You don't write, you don't call. I don't like you.

That's because you don't know me. But once you do, you gonna love me.

Hey, Hakeem.

Hey, you know, Dorian is really excited about touring Cal U. Oh, that's good,

Mr. Mitch, because see, I'm gonna show him everything.

I'm gonna show him the dorms, the labs, the ladies. I mean, the library.

Hey, you know what? Frank was just telling me about Cal U. Do I get a tour,

No. You mean hat night?

Pardon my language, Dad.

Come on, Hakeem, take her.

Look, you can use my car.

I'll give you gas money.

Hey,

if Mo's going, I'm going.

All right, then. Baby brother in the house. Let's get this party started.

Okay, is there anything else I can get for you, Hakeem? Oh, nothing but your

phone number and a match, because you the bomb, baby.

I'm going to leave and come back and let you try that again.

Yeah,

if you were a computer, you would be a Mac.

Hey, where have you been, Mom? Yeah, we've been looking all over for you.

calm down. I just got bored.

Yeah, man, this place isn't nothing but a big old school.

Excuse me, ma 'am, you can't smoke those in here.

Please, all the smog y 'all got up in L .A., and you gonna sweat me about one

little cigarette?

Look, I'm just trying to do my job, okay?

Hey, you a waitress?

Yeah. Then why don't you wait till I finish my cigarette?

Yeah, uh,

you might not want to be here when I get off.

What?

I don't know who she thinks she is.

Well, we should just calm down.

Yeah, you're embarrassing us.

embarrassing you. Okay, fine.

How much is the check? No, I got the check. Go on ahead. I'll catch up.

Listen, how would the crib walk?

Oh,

thank you, honey.

Mom, Dad, Moesha's getting on my nerves.

When are you guys going to throw her out? Well, what's the problem, son?

Well, she ditched me and Hakeem at Cal U, lit up a cigarette in the pigeon

almost started a fight. with the waitress and then bragged on skipping

the check.

Dorian, Moesha is just acting out to get attention. Now, I know she can be

annoying, but she's your sister.

Then I would like to call a family meeting.

Why? Did someone drink out of your mug again?

No. To take a vote on her staying here.

Now, Dorian, I know that Moesha's out of control, son, but we're here to help.

Plus, Miles loves his big sister, and we can't stop him from spending time with

her.

Parents, I know you all love Moesha, but the girl has issues.

Yes, we know, son, but we have to try to understand them.

I understand them perfectly.

She's crazy.

Hey, look what Mo got me. Cool, huh?

Miles.

Hey.

Why can't I keep it?

Miles, when you get your own house, you can pierce whatever you want.

Moesha.

What were you thinking?

I was thinking I should have gotten his tongue pierced. Then you wouldn't be

able to see it.

Moesha, the boy's only 13.

So? Baby girls get their ears pierced when they're babies. Do you have a

with that?

I don't think you can have to worry too much about this. His eyebrow will heal.

Besides, Miles is just a... Expressing himself.

Miles, look, you might want to express yourself another way.

Unless you don't mind the wind whistling through your face.

Shut up, Dorian.

You know what?

I am so glad my mom raised me. Because I can do what I want, when I want. I am

in control of my own life. Well, that's fine and dandy, Moesha.

Now, you weren't raised in this house, but you do know my rules.

Well, your way is not the only way, Frank.

Besides, it's Miles' body. And if he wants to get it pierced, he should have

right to do so.

Moesha, Miles is my son.

And until he turns 18, he has the right to do what I say.

But, Dad... And the right to remain silent.

Okay, now, Miles, you heard your father.

No more piercing until you turn 18.

Come on, do something for the pain.

Y 'all breaking that little boy's spirit.

My name was Snoop Doggy Dog. I'd bust you in your eye.

Gloss left the nerd out of you.

Moesha.

believe you let her off that easy. If it were me, you'd probably send me to boot

camp. Boot camp?

You're right.

You're right.

Boot camp?

You.

Dad.

Woo! Boot camp.

Jesus.

Hey, Mal.

You in there?

No.

I just wanted to make sure you were all right.

I'm fine except for this hole in my face.

Look, Mouse, I know you've been hanging out a lot with Moesha, but I don't want

her to get you into any more trouble.

Man, Mo's our big sister.

She won't get me caught up in anything that's not good for me.

Well, remember the time she snuck you into the drive -in and forgot you were

the trunk?

So? I still heard the movie.

You just like Dad.

You think she's bad news, so you won't give her the chance to prove you wrong.

No, it's not like that, Mal. Yes, it is.

Man, Mo listens to me. She cares about what's important to me, not just what

supposed to do or not do.

All I'm saying is, Moesha doesn't always make the best choices.

Mo's smart.

If it wasn't for her, I never would have known you could drop out of high school

and still get your diploma.

You never told me about the GED.

That's because I want you to stay in school, Miles.

Mo said you would say that.

Miles, education is important.

How else are you going to build your future?

Whatever, dog.

Hey,

what are you doing with my black millionaire?

Hey, Miles, who gave you these? Nobody.

These are cigarettes, man. They cause cancer. They can kill you.

Man, I know all about that stuff.

Well, did you know that they can stunt your growth?

Oh, shoot, for real?

Well, let's just say you can't afford to take that chance.

Man, give me those glasses.

I'd rather wear saggy pants than listen to that rap crap.

Why don't you just leave me alone and go get Dorian?

Hakeem, how come we never hooked up?

Like I said before, I don't like you.

Besides, I have a girl.

What's your girl got to do with me?

Would you please leave me alone?

You even find it when you get angry, yell something else at her. I don't like

you! Yeah, baby, that's what I'm talking about.

Moesha, I need to talk to you for a second. Oh, Dorian, you're messing up my

play. You hardly even know Hakeem. But I'm working on it.

I want you to get out. No, hold on. You guys can finish talking. Dorian, I'll

catch up with you later. All right, pal.

Later, baby.

Look, whatever problems you have with Dad, you need to handle them.

And what are you saying?

I'm saying, look, I know you're upset because he stayed with my mom and not

yours. But I'm not going to let you use Miles to get back at him. Uh -uh.

Use Miles? What are you talking about, Doreen?

No, you don't have to answer to him. No, Miles, I want to know what he's talking

about.

I caught Miles upstairs with these.

Miles, you've been blowing your nose again.

I mean, these.

Menthols. You better go on. I don't smoke those.

Whatever, Mo.

You set the tone for Armin.

You took him to go get his eyebrow pierced. He was up there quoting your

philosophy like it was the gospel.

And now he's smoking.

Look, Dorian.

I might have introduced Miles to another way of thinking.

But I did not give him no cigarettes.

You don't have to lie, Mo. You don't have to lie.

I'm just happy you didn't get him a tattoo.

Man, stop blaming Mo for everything.

See, I did this myself.

Now!

Where'd you get that?

You want that on your arm for the rest of your life?

This hen is stupid.

See what you're doing?

You're corrupting the boy's mind.

Tori, Lorraine, look, the tattoo will wash off.

And when he asked me for a cigarette, I refused.

Now, as you know, I don't want you smoking.

Well, can I say something? No.

See, that's the problem. Y 'all won't even let the boy speak.

The cigarettes say enough.

You have this boy looking up to you, and you're not even a good role model.

Why don't you just leave him and us alone?

Pardon me.

What happened to your head?

They're plaits. Mo showed me how to do them.

Well, if you want to go around looking like Baby Busta Rhymes, that's on you.

Mom, what do you think?

Well, if it makes you feel good, I'm all for it.

But you might want to take those out before your father comes down.

Dad, where's Mo? Breakfast is getting cold.

Moesha's gone.

What do you mean, gone?

She packed her stuff and left.

Really? No, Mo wouldn't leave without saying goodbye to me.

She didn't, Miles.

She left you this note.

Now, when you finish reading that, I want you to go upstairs and take that

out of your hair. Dear little brother,

sorry I didn't say goodbye, but you know me.

When the road calls, I got an answer.

I'm on my way to Paris.

It'll be a long bus ride, but it'll be worth it.

As soon as I get set up, I want you to come visit.

In the meantime, listen to Dad.

Ignore Dorian and leave the cigarettes alone or no girl will ever kiss you.

P .S.

That $20 that was in your sock drawer, I'll get it back to you.

Girl, now that was a good story.

Let me see. That was ridiculous.

Okay, okay.

But, oh, what if Dorian was white and you had a sister named Malzetta? Oh, no.

See a show, I'm telling you, you can star in it, and Janet Jackson can be me.

Lizzie goes on a game show.

Money? Prizes?

I'm up. But there's just one problem.

We don't speak a word of Spanish.

What are we supposed to do?

How should I know?

Lizzie McGuire, today at 5 .30 Eastern.

Woo!