Original subtitles

Kim has spent the last ten years of her life chasing Hakeem.

And Hakeem has spent the last ten years running.

Well, all this chasing and running is driving me crazy.

And I'm not going out like that.

Because I don't have anything that goes with a straightjacket.

Mo, Mo, Mo, Mo, you got to help me. I mean, Kim's been stalking me all day.

If it wasn't for that barbed wire, brick wall, and pit bull, I probably never

would have lost her. Well, Hakeem, what do you want me to do?

Tell Chucky to back off. Moesha ain't telling nobody nothing.

Hakeem has to handle his own business. No, no, no. That's your buddy. Hakeem!

Oh, Hakeem!

You haven't seen me.

Oh, Moe, have you seen my Hakeem?

Maybe I do need to see a shrink.

So, who you bringing to the dinner party?

I'm thinking about asking Ernest. Ugh, you mean Mumbles?

Don't call him that.

Please, girl, he makes Scooby -Doo sound like James Earl Jones.

Girl, I don't think I'm coming.

What are you talking about, girl? We've been planning this dinner party for

weeks. I'm talking great fun. Food, boyfriends. No parental guidance. We

grown -up business. No.

Yeah, but, um, Nick's been tripping lately.

Believe me, long distance relationship bite.

I thought Nick only lived 30 minutes away.

Yeah, by car.

But on a puppy, it's more like three hours.

It's working, it's working.

Not that outfit.

On your lip wax.

Anyway, Hakeem is blowing up my phone.

For real? For what?

Because he likes me. And I owe it all to the regulations of love.

Not another relationship book.

But this is the real deal.

I saw this on Ricky Lake.

Just because she's dropped a few pounds doesn't mean she's dropping science.

Now, hold on, y 'all, okay? This isn't just another relationship book.

This one got pictures, diagrams.

It even got coupons.

Let me say this book.

Regulation one, never ask a man out.

Two, never say yes to a date without waiting five seconds.

Three. Never sneeze or burp in front of him.

And Freud never leave Kim alone in a bookstore.

Clown me if you want, but the regulations helped an 80 -year -old

soulmate. He wasn't her soulmate, Kim. He was an inmate.

What's up, Kim? Hey. What's up, shorties?

Hey, Kim.

You're looking good today.

Man, forget towel boy, man.

We're doing a set right here next week.

Look here, pass these out to your girls, all right? Okay.

Q, why don't you let me sing at your set?

Yo, son, you ain't read the flyers? I got yo -yo. Nobody want to hear no

rookies.

But I got to follow them.

Well, lead them somewhere else.

Just listen to my tape.

I could probably blow this spot up.

If you give me a tape, will you jet?

Like a 747.

Hey, shorty, I got to roll. I got to be more practical. Okay, but remember to

wear something nice to the dinner party, okay?

So, uh, how does a hungry brother get invited to this soiree?

A brother has to be invited.

Is that an invitation?

Oh, Michael!

You know I'm Keeney's girl.

Lucky man.

Hey, man, let's bounce.

Talk to you later, shorty. Okay.

I think Michael likes you, girl. Please, Michael's just trying to get a free

meal.

That's the reason why I'm sticking with my Hakeem.

What makes you think he's gonna ask you? Hello, I've got an insurance policy.

Oh, the regulations are live? I've been looking for this.

Can I borrow it?

Oh, okay, but don't blame me when your phone starts ringing off the hook.

Blame you? Shh, I'll pay you.

Hey, Kim, here comes Hakeem.

Let's see you regulate now.

He may ask you out. Just wait five seconds before you say yes.

Hey, what's up, girl?

Hey. Hi,

Kim. Hi.

I mean, so what's the deal? I mean, why haven't you been returning my phone

call? I've been busy.

All right, well, look, look, check it. I really want to go to this dinner party,

okay? So I want to know, can I be your... Can I be your...

your date?

One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three. Kim.

All right, all right, good, good. I'll see you there, okay?

See you.

Oh, this is going to be a very classy event.

Uh, where does this go?

In a recycle bin.

Uh -uh, but the Monster Gopher is Hakeem's favorite.

Ladies, it is time you learned how to separate your men.

from their tacky possessions.

Kim?

Come on, Dee.

Okay, honey.

Okay, just turn it this way, and everybody can enjoy it. Okay, great.

Oh, all right, though. Bon appetit. Bon appetit.

The faster we get to this drum festival, the faster we can get back.

Um, why don't I just skip the fun and chaperone Moe's wild party?

Oh, son, I wouldn't want to deprive you of an evening of culture.

I'll stay.

You guys have two options.

You either go and it kills you, or you don't go and I'll kill you.

I guess the honeymoon's over, Dad.

That was dope.

Get over here, boy. I got to get me another bite.

Son, who's your pop? James Brown?

Yeah, Niecy, what did he say?

He said I'm cuter than Halle Berry.

Well, thanks for dinner. Gotta go.

Wait, wait, wait.

Why are you leaving?

There's no more food left.

pick it in the TV room. Yeah, and I think that's a good idea.

Guys,

let's play charades. Two words sound like... Bye, Kim.

Uh -uh, that's not it. And if you talk out loud again, you're out of the game.

Kim, we don't want to play.

Well, let's talk about some more current events.

So, how do you guys feel about New Edition getting back together?

I mean, with Johnny being there, I mean, we don't really need Ronnie, do we?

Why don't you go put on a CD or something?

Okay. At your house.

Get rid of your girl.

I can't.

Well, he's trying to save your pop some money on his light bulb.

Well, I can't argue with conserving energy.

I'm really happy you're here, Ernest.

Oh, girl.

You ain't no woman's baby girl. I'm not the bitch.

Well, Shorty, this ain't rockin' right.

Your friend is wildin'. I gotta check, man.

Overall, thanks for the grub.

Aw.

I'ma be out, too.

Hey, what's all that racket going on down here?

What? I said, what is all that racket going on down here?

Oh, it's just Ricky and little Ricky.

What Nigerian talking drums?

We're learning how to talk to our brothers.

Yeah, baby.

What do you think, Dee? I think that men and boys should be seen and not heard.

No, no, no, Pumpkin. We are actually having a conversation. Now, listen. Now,

this is how you say hello.

And this is how you say goodbye.

How do you say drums for sale?

Oh, come on, Dee. I mean, where's your sense of history, baby? This was the

first Internet.

You keep that up, you'll be looking for a new website.

Ooh, the regulations is the best thing I read since Dennis Rodman's beauty book.

Rude ruffles and rebounds.

Uh -oh.

Hello?

Yeah, I got it.

Thanks, boo.

Yo, everybody got the money you gave her for my set next Friday?

Oh, I thought you said everyone was getting in free.

Squash that. This is business.

Hey, Omo, can I get at you for a minute? Mm -hmm.

Just one minute, homie.

What's up with your girl?

Who, Niecy, Teresa?

Come on, you know I'm talking about Kim.

I heard there might be an opening after what happened at the dinner party.

And I just wanted you to know.

That I'm not an eating around kind of brother.

Feed me a meal, I'm going to hang around and do the dishes.

Michael, why are you telling me all of this? Because I want you to hook me up.

I can't do that.

Then talk me up.

Michael, you're going to have to talk to Kim yourself.

Kim, I need to talk to you about last night.

I'm sorry, Kim.

Look, Mo, I know you were trying to be a friend and everything, but I'll deal

with Hakeem my way, and you'll deal with me dealing with Hakeem your way. Deal?

That means we're still friends. Sure.

So anyway, girl, how long you plan on dealing with Hakeem? Well, see, I

that I kind of slipped at dinner. See, I broke the most important regulation,

and that was to never, ever let them see you, Kim.

Well, look, Kim.

Excuse me, Mo.

Yo, Kim, I was wondering if you wanted to roll with me to Q -Sec.

Oh, okay.

Cool. I'll call you? Uh -huh.

Kim, I'm confused.

What happened to sticking to the regulations to get high -key? Oh, I am

regulation number 39. If all else fails, make them jealous.

Daddy,

Q was waiting for me. I know, baby, and I'm waiting for Quentin.

Q!

This gonna be good.

Good evening, Mr. Mitchell.

Look, Quentin, let's get something straight.

And first of all, I don't appreciate you honking for Moesha.

Now, if you come to my house to pick up my daughter, you ring my doorbell.

Goddamn!

Mr. Mitchell, I'm in no disrespect to you or Moe. Mm -hmm.

Come on, Q. We're gonna be late.

Bye, Daddy.

I got one word for you, Moe.

Curfew.

Don't be too hard on him, Dad.

He used to picking up Moe at Kim's house.

Let me make it perfectly clear, Babaloo.

You and the little drummer boy here are on my last nerve.

Because I don't care if I never hear another drum again as long as I live.

Thanks, Mel.

Look, I'm working.

I really want to get your son to ask for your birth certificate.

Really? Yeah.

He's not feeling well.

Get him, baby.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, I want a rose.

But then again, it's just gonna die.

Hey, Kim, you want to go outside and look at the moon?

No.

All right, well, let's go check out the buffet table.

No.

That's right, babe.

Slow me down.

Keep me real.

Damn, I'm going to have to slow you down.

Oh, Kim, I wasn't with Teresa. We just walked in together, okay?

Whatever. I'm here with Michael.

Yeah, we're here to dance.

Come on, girl.

Oh, well, you kids have fun.

Yeah.

Sal,

I see you patched things up with Nick, huh? Where is he?

He ain't here.

Zilper, you came along, huh?

Well, excuse me. She's with me.

Oh. Look, let's keep it on a DL, okay? I don't want Kim to find out until I

break up with her.

Why do you got to break up with someone you're not even going with?

See, you're talking real sense.

But he's talking. Kim, I know

you're

still into high team and all, but I don't care.

Because I always liked you.

Ever since we played the dozens freshman year.

Nobody played the dozens like you.

Except your mom.

That's a good one.

How come you know? You never said anything.

I did.

Just didn't listen.

Wait, hold up, hold up.

Look, I got a confession to make. The only reason why I came here with you was

to make Hakeem jealous.

You think I don't know that?

You mean you want to get with me?

I'm still here.

And I'm not going anywhere.

Everybody, Yo -Yo got stuck in the studio.

Check it out. Tonight, we got a special guest, all right?

Now, he told me, I mean, word on the street, he's about to blow up.

He already got his own following.

And after tonight, who knows? You know what I'm saying?

So I want y 'all to give it up for Charles.

Everything, everything that you want from me,

I'm gonna give it all to you.

me.

followed the regulations and caught a man.

Michael isn't the man she set out to catch, but I think he's the right one.

As for Q and me, we're just glad she got one.

And Niecy and Ernest, well, homie can't talk, but Niecy swears he can sing.

Hakeem acts like he got dumped.

So now he and Vanessa have something in common.

But Andale regulated herself out of all of her relationships.

The regulations of love backfire.

Guys stopped calling her, so she started calling them.

And one guy even put a block on his phone.

I guess love is one thing that can't be regulated.