All language subtitles for Too.Much.S01E04.1080p.WEB.h264-ETHEL

There's something I've
been meaning to tell you, but…

…I'm scared 'cause this has
been going so well, and…

-Wait, what?
-I don't want you to end it.

What is it? Stop scaring me.

-Mm.
-Dear Wendy Jones.

As grown women, we think we've
developed good instincts.

That we can spot the red
flags waving in the distance

and take a different route.

But sometimes we can't see them.

Not until it's too late.

What?

-What?
-All right.

My Bar Mitzvah theme was Weezer.

What are you talking about?
That's not a Bar Mitzvah theme.

-It sure as fuck was.
-Was not.

Yeah. Everybody wore these
Rivers Cuomo glasses.

And my brother and I, we got on stage,
and we had these inflatable guitars,

and we were lip-synching to
"Undone - The Sweater Song."

Oh my God. Mm.

Oh no, see? Now
you're gonna dump me.

-I knew I shouldn't have said anything.
-No. You're so cute, I wanna crush you.

-You know what?
-Hmm?

♪ If you want to
destroy my sweater ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Pull this thread
as I walk away ♪

♪ As I walk away Let me
unravel ♪

♪ Starin' down the
barrel of the hot sun ♪

-♪ Shinin' with the sheen of a shotgun ♪
-♪ Shotgun ♪

♪ Carol has a little
if we need some ♪

♪ Joa has a ride
if we wanna come ♪

♪ Hangin' your jeans
with a clothespin ♪

♪ Skin still wet,
still on my skin ♪

♪ Mango in your mouth,
juice drippin' ♪

♪ Shoulder of your
shirtsleeve slippin' ♪

♪ I don't wanna
talk about anyone ♪

♪ I don't wanna
talk about anyone ♪

♪ I wanna sleep in your car ♪

♪ While you're drivin' ♪

♪ Lay on your lap
when I'm cryin' ♪

X marks the spot with the dot, dot, dot.

A dash and a slash
and a question mark.

A man comes around and
stabs you in the back.

-He stabs you in the back.
-Ow!

And the blood drips down.

-Criss-cross, applesauce…
-You're making it up.

-Spider on your shoulder.
-You're a spider now?

Cool breeze.

And
a tight squeeze.

-No.
-And now you have the shiveries! Mm.

I don't buy it. I think you
just made that whole thing up.

No, it's a game.

We used to play it in summer
camp, an all-girls camp.

It was actually really cozy.
You would have really fit in.

-Cool.
-How many tattoos do you have, by the way?

Uh, I don't know. Like 8
or 9, I think. I can't remember.

Do any of 'em mean anything?

Um…

Uh, no.
Not really, no.

-Really? Not even that one?
-Which one?

-This one, on your ass. It says "poly."
-Oh.

Is that, like, a
lifestyle signifier?

No, Polly's just a friend.

We got it in Portugal as a joke
when we were there together.

But then the lady spelt
it wrong, so, yeah.

It's got one L. I forget that
one is there, to be honest.

I don't really think
about it that much.

Cool. I love it.
That's great.

Friends get tattoos all the
time. So, she's a girl, then.

Um, I just am really relieved 'cause
I thought it stood for polyamorous.

Polyamorous?

Is that the one where you date
lots of women or just one?

I can never remember
which way around it is.

Or is it like when you're
married to lots of women?

-No. Is that monogamous?
-What?

What's monogamous?

Is that like… That's the
same thing, isn't it?

Isn't it?

No red flags yet,
Wendy.

None at all… over here.

Liv! Nic!

Come give me a hand!

-Fuckin' hell, you two are so lazy!
-Watch your fuckin' language!

Wow. It's so gray there.

I thought it was gonna be, like,
you know, all creative vibe

and that it would make me jealous,
but, yeah, I'm not jealous.

No, it's gorgeous. It's lovely. This
just doesn't convey it, you know?

Um, I met someone.

Wow. You know, this is the only
area where you waste no time.

Uh, what does he do?

Why is the first question
always, "What does he do?"

How about, "How does he make
you feel? What does he value?"

"Does he fuck you from behind
in, like, a respectful way?"

"Does he finger blast you? Does
he know how to finger bang?"

Okay, Jessica. I'm your
mother, not your friend.

Keep that in mind.
So, he's unemployed?

He's not unemployed.
He's an indie musician.

Mm-hmm. And where does he live?

Well, he lives in a
really indie neighborhood.

You wouldn't know it. You
don't know the London area.

Divorced? Remarried?
Still married?

Uh, no, not to my knowledge.

And, yeah, before you ask,
he sleeps in every day

because he used to
do a lot of cocaine

and he fucked up his
circadian rhythms, okay?

Why did I say all of that?

The mommy effect! Ah,
that's the mommy effect.

So, listen. I don't think we should
be even talking to this guy anymore,

unless you're gonna get
married or something like that.

Because there is nothing
about this conversation

that makes me think that you
have unbroken your broken picker.

I haven't broken my picker!

No, are you serious?
I lo… The textures!

I mean, the gradient alone, I mean,
it's… And… and… and the juxtaposition.

Office-wide alert!
Office-wide alert!

Kim's mood board is so good,

it is making me wanna commit
autoerotic asphyxiation!

I know what you're trying to do.
Last night's texting was abhorrent.

Okay, well,
I'm sorry about that, okay?

I had taken a lot of ketamine in a
way that I hadn't tried it before,

and it all got a bit much.

But I'm serious. This is like…

This is like a cultural reset for people
who don't even believe in cultural resets.

I agree with that.

It's Helena Bonham Carter
in a headband. Cute.

It's sweet. It's
The Turin Horse.

-Yes, and it's that old movie!
-That was a pop-up.

You seem to be fitting
in really well.

I did get a couple of names
for a hair and makeup team

if you want me to send them.

I actually wanted to invite
you for dinner this evening.

Wow. That's a little intimate,
but sure. I mean, I'm open.

-I'm coming.
-I'm coming.

Even I'm coming.

My wife and I are having a little
get-together for the team. Yeah.

It's good to form a bit of
a bond. Emphasis on "a bit."

Oh, and, uh, let Josie
know the name of your date

so that my wife can watercolor
a placement card, um,

or whatever she has planned.

And, uh, if you're gluten
or veganarian or whatever.

Oh, and, uh, don't forget
those ten red flags, okay?

Oh! I'm Julia Roberts, bitch!

-Wait. Are you doing the picture now?
-Yeah.

-Don't do landscape.
-Oh, sorry.

-Yeah.
-But you can still see blue.

-Do you wanna give me that bag?
-Yeah.

-Can I see what's going on? Oh.
-Yeah. Have a look. It's like…

Have you ever taken a
picture of a woman before?

Oh my God, I love it. This is
the London I came here for.

The London I deserve!
It's like out of a movie.

Yeah, a horror movie.

Trust me, I grew up with the
broken children of these houses,

and it's way more Shining
than it is Richard Curtis.

I know they're sort of
painted all fancy colors,

but these people are full of
pent-up rage and dark secrets.

I know, but look,
it's a yellow house.

-Yeah, it's yellow. It's pretty.
-Listen.

Okay, so, you know, this
is my boss. My new boss.

And these are people that I work with,
so I just wanted to let you know, like,

let's just play it cool.

Like two normal people. Cool as
a cucumber, just me and you and…

And I'm not trying to control you.
I wouldn't want you to control me.

-I want us to feel free in this…
-No, I get it.

Sort of whatever we're doing, I want
you to feel free as a bird, but…

-Maybe lose the hat.
-Just be normal.

Don't even think about the hat. It
was never even on! Looks so nice.

There was
one girl called…

I think she was called, like,
Victoria Peterson or something.

She lives on one of these streets,
and basically, she was throwing up.

But because she'd drunk so much
Guinness, like, it was all black.

So, it looked like she was like a
scene from The Exorcist or something.

-I see.
-That's the shit we're dealing with.

Oh my God. They
have a blue door too! Mm.

Come on. That's the
quietest knocking I've heard.

Now, that was aggressive.

They're gonna think I'm a
delivery person or something.

Okay.

-Well, hello!
-Hi.

Look at you both! What a breath…

I'm Jessica. I work with
Jonno. And this is my… friend.

-Friend Felix. My… Felix.
-Hi.

-Nice to meet you.
-What a breath of fresh air.

And look at this coat!

I can tell you're gonna
be an absolute bore.

-Is it a coat or a dress?
-Um, it's a coat! Here we go!

Oh, normally, we're stuck here with
toffs talking about ski slopes.

-Come on in. What a relief you are.
-Okay, thanks.

Uh, spoiler alert. It's a candle.
Just a nice-smelling candle.

You probably have a million.
Put it in your candle closet.

You can never have too many
sniff-sniffs, can you? Come on in!

-Did she just say…
-"Sniff-sniffs," yeah.

-M'kay.
-Not judgin'. Not judgin'.

When I realized that
fonts were my way in,

travel suddenly looked not only
like personal enlightenment.

-But also professional...
-Fascinating, yeah. Yeah.

I'm hanging on every
word of this story.

But I have to pause and ask,
have you been to Lamu Island?

-Mm. Kenya.
-Yeah. The archipelago.

-Just off the coast.
-Um, no.

You know, everything
in this room that you see

is, like, worth, like, hundreds
of thousands of pounds.

-There you are!
-Oh. Oh, we don't drink, actually. But...

-More for me. I'll take it.
-Okay.

They look gorgeous. Glug,
glug, glug. More for me.

He doesn't need anything.
Doesn't even like water.

So, he's good. He's not thirsty.

All right. You must meet my
cousin up from the country,

Imogen Tinsley-Derbyshire, and her
wife, Bryony, over there. They run the…

Bon appétit to edible condoms.

Yeah, I don't know if it was,
I kept getting different UTIs.

Like, I don't know if I'm getting
50 UTIs a year or it's one long UTI.

You know, it's, like, some days I'll
wake up, I'm on top of the world.

Other days, I'm waking up and my
piss hole's, like, burning fire.

I see. I see. Have
you tried D-man nose?

It's a monosaccharide.

How do you feel about,
um, buttock implants?

-I'm serious.
-I haven't thought much about them.

I don't know if I should be having
this conversation with my boss.

Why?

So, he calls me on Sunday night.

He's like, "I'm at Berghain.
I've been here for 48 hours."

"You should come." It's
like, "What is going on?"

The Kardashians have them, and
Madonna's followed suit. I mean…

Mm. Is there butter?

Is that a pill that you're talking
about? I have, um, glottal terror.

So I don't want to swallow things that
I'm not supposed to swallow. Just…

I know
the feeling. Jonno…

I'll suck the guy off. I'm
not… I'm not swallowing it.

-I'll spit it out!
-Oh God.

Excuse me. Oh! I'm
sweating like a sow.

The menopause really should
come with clearer warnings.

I love how you guys say,
like, "the menopause."

Like it's like a celebrity.

You know, like, "Is that the menopause?"

"It is. Come get a
picture with me."

What do you say in America?

Um, just "menopause."

Oh.

I'm not quite there
yet, but I do have PCOS,

and that gives you cysts

and fuzzy sideburns I have to shave
off with a literal man's razor.

Look, if you need anything while
you're here in London, health-wise,

I'm just a phone
call away, all right?

That is so nice of you to say.

-I love you.
-Oh.

Piss and cum galore,
I've heard.

I've heard. I can't wait
to go. Can't wait to go.

-I've been wanting to go.
-Yeah. You'll never forget it.

Anyway, he's like,
"Come. You should come."

And it's, like,
"Relax, babe." Right?

Like, I like him, but not
take a flight to Germany

to fish him out of a sex
dungeon levels of like him.

-Like, some things are deal-breakers.
-Yeah.

I don't have a lot of resources
or friends here, you know?

Well, at least you have
your lovely partner.

-Mm.
-How long have you two been together?

Um, you know, my instinct is to lie
to you, but I want to be honest.

Ten days. I've been with
my partner for ten days.

Well, no wonder you've got
those issues down there.

You're basically hanging
from the rafters still.

-Yeah, he's fuckin' me raw! No condom.
-Oh my goodness!

I've always found, like, engaging
with people's inner lives

is kind of a waste
of energy, you know?

I can go deeper by
staying on the surface.

-Literally, cheers to that.
-Oh, we don't cheers, but that's lovely.

-And you're amazing.
-Thank you.

Is that why you don't
make eye contact with me?

To stay on the
surface or whatever?

'Cause you haven't looked at me a
single time for the whole evening.

I just find, like… I'm so honest,
and this is really brutal.

I only make eye contact with people
that I know that I'm not gonna fuck.

'Cause it's too much. At
dinner, especially, it's like…

So, you know you're
not gonna fuck him

'cause you've looked at
him quite a few times.

But you're worried about,
like, that we might fuck.

That… To put… If you're gonna
be, like, really specific

about in terms of who I would
and wouldn't fuck at the table,

that is… yeah, that is
absolutely what I'm saying.

-Okay.
-For sure. Which is no reflection on…

Like, you're… you are great,
but there is more of a…

You can feel that there's a vibe!
There's a vibe, but then you're going…

-Enormous vibe, yeah.
-You're with my colleague, you know?

And like, what do we do? Like
Romeo and Juliet over here.

I don't know. Like, I'm
so scared of her dying.

You know, I'm so scared
of the tumor coming back.

I mean, it's gone, but
they come back, you know?

And I just lay in bed at night
thinking about Astrid dying,

and I'm writing her
obituary in my mind.

It should be published in
The Times or People Mag.

I don't know what I would
do without that little lady.

She has better thoughts than all
of us. She's better than all of us.

You, my darling… you are
just cracking my heart open

with that big, brave
ability to just… love.

Oh, you are so beautiful.

Look at you.

Why don't you come with me
just for a little minute?

I want to show you
something special.

I will zip my lip and throw away
the key. No one needs to know.

-Does that feel better?
-Yeah. Just what the doctor ordered.

This is a nice party.

-Oh God.
-Feels good, huh?

That's so much better. I
needed a mood lifter too.

Me too. I was wondering
when we'd do that.

Do you know, I had the
most incredible dog.

Lettuce was her name.
Lettuce the lurcher.

She had the most profound sixth sense
of knowing exactly when I was in pain.

Emotionally, physically…

Oh.

-May I?
-Oh, sure, yeah.

-It's the same color. Isn't that amazing?
-Yeah.

You've got such gorgeous lips.

Look at you.

It was…

It was like, she would stay so
closely at my heel, obsessively.

Almost to the point where
it was irritating, like…

-Like an ex-lover you can't get rid of.
-Hmm.

And it just… it
came to be that she…

She just knew when I was
hurting even before I did.

When I had to have back
surgery, she was there.

And when my mother passed
away, she was there.

And that was hours before
I even got the news.

And when Jonno had his emotional affair
with Kylie Minogue, she was there.

Oh my God. What happened?

-She became like a sister.
-No, I mean, like, your dog.

Oh God! Lettuce, yes.

Well…

Yes, it was
just heartbreaking.

Gardener left the
gate open one night,

she got curious and met a potato
truck going down a dark country lane.

-It was devastating.
-Oh no.

But here's the thing
I've come to realize.

Animals are the most
incredible thing,

precisely because of how
briefly they're here.

-Yeah.
-Thank you. That is so… just…

You're too sweet.
You're my Oprah!

Oh!

-Can I be? I love that. Oh!
-I love you.

-Sorry.
-No, that's okay!

-I love, love, love you!
-You are…

You have empathy like
I've never known it.

It's unbelievable. I
see it in your face.

Right back at you,
sister. I see it in yours.

What the fuck?

I don't know. I just,
um… With Astrid, I just…

-I trust her so much.
-Astrid?

-The dog. She's never done anything wrong.
-Oh. God.

You know, she's a perfect angel,
and it's so easy to trust her.

-It's so hard to trust people.
-Yes.

You know, like Felix. He means well,
and he's been so incredible to me.

But I'm just waiting for
the other shoe to drop.

I'm waiting to hear that he has a wife
and triplets in Aberdeen or something.

You know, or what if he
watches porn too much?

Yes, I know. I'm not completely convinced
that Jonno's not an axe murderer.

He's pretty opaque, as
I'm sure you've noticed.

I could definitely see
him hurting someone.

What? No, he's not
violent. He's just moody.

But isn't this the best time?

This time you're in, when it's all so new
and delicious and tender and terrifying?

Enjoy it, 'cause pretty soon
you'll feel safe and sure,

and you'll have four children.

Then you'll be wishing he'd go
to sleep in the garden shed.

And you'll miss those days when
you didn't know everything.

Just enough to tip it off.

-You all right?
-Hey! What the hell's up, brother?

How was the bathroom?

Oh my God, it is so
gorgeous in that bathroom.

She has a beautiful soap dish.

I mean, I didn't even know that
you needed a dish for soap.

Gorgeous, elegant, bold,
just like Julianne Moore.

The Julianne Moore of soap dishes.
Are you having fun with Boss?

-He… so has pink hair.
-Yeah. Yeah, no, he's funny.

He has quite confusing values,
though. Like all these people.

That guy, the banker guy, was,
like, telling me to invest in oil

'cause war is gonna drive
the stocks up or some shit.

Nice tip.

-Yeah?
-Big money bags!

You okay? You've been doing the…?

No! Oh my God.

No. You are being so weird about
the fact that I'm drinking.

And you're being weird about it.

And I told you, I know that I
told you that I couldn't drink

because some stuff went
down in New York where…

Some stuff where… Okay,
I shouldn't be drinking.

But guess what? I think it's the stuff
where I can have a drink once in a while.

You know, I can't drink all
the time. Of course not.

But, you know, I'm not someone
that can't pick up a glass or two.

-On a… on a holiday or a party.
-Okay. No, I trust you.

What? Now you're being
weird about not being weird.

No, I mean, I trust you.

You're a grown-up. You
know what you're doing.

You are nasty to me.

-What's nasty about that?
-Don't start a fight right now.

My wife trusts me. Big mistake.

That's
terrifying to say.

-That's awful, Peter. Sorry.
-Yeah.

It's been tough, but I've finally
stopped crying myself to sleep at night.

I'm sorry about
that. A yoga instructor!

I know. Such a cliché, isn't it?

-You need your intellectual match.
-I'm spilling.

Peter's just got separated,
and he's taken up skiing.

Oh my God, you're a LILF!

A late-in-life skier.

-That's funny!
-Yes, I suppose I am.

-Yeah, LILF.
-Mm.

-MILF.
-Yeah, kinda like MILF, but not.

That's so funny.

By the way, I love
your soap dish.

Isn't it the most beautiful
thing you've ever seen?

I got it in the souk in Marrakech.
Uh, Moroccan market, right?

This ancient woman,
she had a face…

Just… pain all over it.

And I was passing by, saw her
stall… It's the only thing she had.

And she just grabbed my hand
and thrust it into it and said,

"I've been waiting for you."

And then she died.

Anyway, it's a beautiful dish,
and I'm glad you noticed it.

Hmm.

You look quite familiar.

Where would I know
you from? Hmm?

Uh…

-I don't know. I don't think you know me.
-Oh, I really think I do.

Don't think so.

Not unless I sold you laughing gas
in like 2013 outside Marble Arch.

Oh, it wouldn't be that.

I know you from somewhere.

I don't think it's me
that you're thinking of.

-Are you sure?
-Mm.

I mean, you can never
be too sure, but…

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

Catch a liar by his big toe.

Is this an
Anne Frank joke?

What? Is that
even a type of joke?

I mean, people will
always tear down a woman

that achieves success
on her own terms.

I think she's just called
Ann and we're in her attic.

I think you're overthinking it.

Okay, I'm freaking out, and
I need to be told to breathe.

-Okay, breathe. Breathe.
-Miss, you are not my keeper.

She's gagged. She's absolutely
gagged. And not in the fun way.

At dinner, Jonno made this
incredibly weird comment

about my dynamic with
Josie in front of Josie.

Josie, who doesn't know that
I wanna be a lesbian with her.

What if she's straight?

Okay, well, she's wearing two T-shirts,
so I think she's a lesbo, guys.

I mean, do you like her?

"Like"? "Like, like, like."
"Like" is such a juvenile word.

I don't "like" her.

I… I feel deeply drawn to who
she is, who she could become.

-She's my destiny.
-What's the difference?

Guys, guys, guys,
guys. Have you seen?

Wow, Jonno on his downtime,

looking like the most well-preserved
member of a heritage stadium rock act.

I die.

It's like, "Yeah! Sing
me, like, a soft rock song

about, like, how you're a man."

"But you have mental health
issues, but don't really."

But, also, what he did to
Kim was really, really rough

and… and not appropriate at all.

I just think, honestly,
he feels close to you.

That's what it is. He
feels emotionally close.

Like, obviously, with
me, it's more sexual.

It's more like, "There's a
hole. Let me at it!"

But, um… but with you, he's
more like a dad, I think.

-Yes! Come, come.
-Ooh!

God! Yummy, yummy! May I?

Yes, this makes me so happy!

Look at you, enjoying my
little contribution to the potluck.

Thing about cocaine is, in
moderation, it keeps you young.

You know, I really wouldn't. But if
Kim's doing it, I probably should.

'Cause otherwise, she'll
do it, and she'll go crazy.

Then she'll feel very alone and
low later. Also, I love cocaine.

I mean, I… I feel like I
can't say no to my boss.

-Go for it.
-I don't want to.

I just feel like I can't
say no to the hospitality.

Mm-hmm.

Oh my God. Yeah, no.
Go for it.

You know what's about to happen, though?
Right? You know where this is headed?

What? You think everyone's
gonna start fucking?

♪ Tap, tap, tap in,
wrist on glitter ♪

♪ Waist on thinner ♪

♪ I'mma show you How to bag
an eight-figure, figure ♪

-♪ Face on my zaddy ♪
-♪ Sheesh ♪

♪ Pockets on Jigga You
better get the card ♪

♪ And make it
swipe like Tinder ♪

♪ Private villa and
a fur chinchila ♪

♪ When he post me
all the… get sicker ♪

-♪ Bleh ♪
-♪ Boy killer ♪

-♪ Don't need fillers ♪
-♪ Nope ♪

♪ Never been a lame So
the real chicks feel it ♪

♪ Daddy on the FaceTime
You could never take mine ♪

♪ End up on the Dateline
Uh, uh, uh, mwah! ♪

♪ Rich with no day job ♪

♪ Hit your wop, wop ♪

♪ Always on the court side, uh-huh-huh
Billionaire boys wanna eat me out ♪

♪ I'm from the West Coast
They wanna go down south ♪

♪ These lame little
rappers Tryna… for clout ♪

♪ Hmm, I won't let him hit But
he can put it in his mouth ♪

♪ Lil' waist, fat,
fat, baby, tap in ♪

♪ Tap, tap, tap in, haters can't
relate I've never been fake ♪

♪ I got a big baller Putting
icing on my cake, mwah ♪

♪ Icy from my lips To my
fingers to my toenails ♪

♪ Drippin' in Chanay-nay
This ain't goin' on sale ♪

♪ All these birds boosie, baby
I do not do friends well ♪

♪ Lotta haters… But I
promised that I won't tell ♪

♪ Shh, now, what's
my favorite word? ♪

♪ Icy ♪

♪ I can see the smile But
I know she don't like me ♪

♪ Two hundred for a verse
Yeah, I'm way too pricey ♪

-Hi.
-Hello.

-May I?
-Yes.

'Kay. A question.

Uh, as a… seasoned lesbian,

uh, might you counsel me on what to
expect if I were to pursue this path?

It would be my
absolute honor, okay?

-Go.
-Did you always know you were queer?

Oh no. No.

I've always been
intensely lustful,

but the objects of my
obsession were varied.

And my very first relationship

was with my boss at Tatler
Magazine and his wife.

Damn!

Oh my God.

I… I had one divorce, and
I thought I was hot shit,

but… you're on fire.

And now I'm a
grandmother of two.

And my partner had a whole other life
as a housewife before I ruined her.

And at weekends, I kind
of do my own thing.

Live my own life, you know?

-Speaking of which…
-Yes.

I have a room at
the Ham Yard Hotel.

-Oh.
-Oh.

Oh! Uh…

-Honestly, I am… very flattered.
-Good.

-But I'm new to this.
-Yeah, I know.

And I think what you need is

an "eat it up, no crumbs"
kind of experience.

And… I would leave
all the crumbs.

-There'd be so many crumbs.
-I could be a Hoover!

-The… I have a visual.
-Well, okay.

-Okay, look at me. Are you ready?
-Okay. I'm looking.

-Three, two, one, go.
-Okay.

Oh my God, your stuff's
way better than my stuff.

Cleaning your bag is
like getting a colonic.

-Okay? Like, "That came out of me?"
-Take this.

I don't know how much money's
on it, but, hell, go crazy.

-Buy a bagel and a coffee.
-A dollar!

I've seen these on
TV. Do you use this?

A dollar. Never
know when you need it.

You guys don't have any central
air or heat or anything.

-I don't know how you cool down!
-Ah! Ah!

Gauche alarm. You're being gauche.
AC? In a Georgian-listed building?

We have a heritage.
We have a tradition.

Oh really? What's your
tradition? Eating beans?

You wanna get Camilla Parker Bowles?
You wanna give her a lower-back tattoo?

You wanna say, "No loads
refused"? That's crazy.

Why do you have so many condoms?
Were you trying to hook up?

Mm, is it illegal to fuck now?

-Lock me in prison 'cause I fuck.
-Sorry, I can't see you!

You finished all the champers, or
is there still some lying around?

No, I did not. I actually
think the culprit is your wife

who was sort of pouring
it down her blouse.

I realize
where I know you from.

You went to the same boarding
school as our daughter Viola.

Ding-ding! Jig is up. Uh-oh.

You two were a bit
of an item back then.

In fact, I may be within
my fatherly rights

to smack you round a
bit!

You do have a very fatherly
vibe right now. Gotta say.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

Dropped out, didn't ya?

Six months before your A levels!

I didn't finish school, no.

Yeah. Broke my daughter's heart
and left just before A levels.

Classic behavior! Yeah, classy!

You don't know
anything about me, so…

-Didn't you take Francesca to…
-Talking about Viola, aren't we?

Oh! It's Vi, Vi, Vi, Vi, Vi.

Didn't you take Viola
to Manchester for a show

and then leave her at
a fucking Travelodge?

It was Liverpool, and
there's more to it than that.

-But yeah, that's me.
-Yeah, well, I don't love your tone.

-No?
-No.

I think you need to back up.
This is getting a bit weird now.

Oh, not one bit!

You dropout, you cad…

Can you stop touching
me? What the fuck?

Fuck off! Are you
trying to fucking…

Are you trying to fucking fight me?

You've got it down to a T, mate.

Yeah, I cheated
on your daughter.

Then started trying to
stick my 16-year-old pecker

into anything that moved.

I don't like your attitude!

Dude, what the fuck is going
on with your grip? It's insane.

I'll tell you what really
happened. My dad ran out of money.

-That's why I left.
-Boo-hoo!

They put all my shit in cardboard boxes
and told me to call my own fucking cab.

Your daughter said she'd wait for me
like I was some soldier going to war,

and then within a week, she was
dating Hugo fucking Wetherspoon

and wouldn't even
answer my fucking calls.

Very fucking good manners.
Are you trying to fuck me now?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe that's why she left you.
Because you've got bad manners!

Your daughter was a
fucking brat, by the way.

I should have stuck with Lissa
Larchmont. She was actually nice.

I went down on her in
Julia Jessup's garden,

and she fucking cared about me,
you gacked-up tosser. Get off!

-Oh, sorry!
-Ah.

-Felix!
-You okay?

-Oh, hi, Ann.
-Oh shit.

Darling, have you
seen that cooling sex gel?

I want to give it to Jessica.

-Did we leave it in the garden last time?
-Uh, bottom right drawer.

-But… I can't see it.
-Um, Ann, thank you so much.

This meant so much to me. I'm
so sorry about everything.

Oh, it was lovely,
darling. It was lovely.

Don't worry about Jonno.

He's always in the prone
position at the end of a party.

Jonno, thank you
for the hospitality.

Um, Ann, again, one minute with
you is a million in heaven.

And one minute away from
you is hell for eternity.

Thank you. Hope I get to see
you soon. I feel safe with you.

Yes, we must. We must.

I'm sure you can find
it at Boots, by the way.

-But will you see yourselves out?
-Yeah, sorry.

-Thanks. Say hi to Viola.
-All right?

That was a lovely
night, wasn't it?

Did you have fun, darling?

-Mm.
-Did it get a little crazy?

-Mm.
-Mm!

All right. Are you
going to clean up?

-No, no.
-I can't do it.

Do you know, she
got in the bath.

-Did she?
-It was weird.

Got your coat. And
your, um, bag… purse thing.

Also, you know that
soap dish you liked?

-Thank you!
-Got you that as well.

Oh my God, Felix!

-You're kidding. That is my boss.
-Yeah, man. You said you liked it.

You can't just steal things from my boss.
I can't smuggle around stolen goods.

Also, what did you say in
there? "Gay-ass tortoise"?

-Do you mean "gacked-up tosser"?
-Is that what you said?

Yeah. Gack is cocaine. And
tosser's just, "You're a dickhead."

All I wanted tonight
was for you to be chill.

For us to be two chill guys.

This is worse than if we would
have both walked in with hats.

All I wanted was us to be civilized
people who had, like, positive attitudes.

-I wanted us to have positive attitudes.
-Why? They don't.

They have fucking
hideous attitudes.

Like, almost as hideous as their
fucking faux-liberal politics

when all they care
about is money.

And how they judge everyone

who doesn't live exactly
the same way they do.

And their sad fucking children

who've been hugged precisely
two times in their entire lives.

Yeah. I called your
boss a tosser, sorry.

But they were kind
of fucked, yeah.

Also, by the way, you
were hitting on Imogen.

-Don't think I didn't see.
-God. No, I wasn't.

She's, like, some lesbian
grandma who raises ducks.

Okay. Well, guess what? She
touched Kim's almost vagina,

so she's not that innocent.

You know, she's a pretty
young grandma. We must agree.

-We must agree!
-Sure.

This has all just been
a series of red flags.

I mean, when I came to
find my English dream,

I wanted to be in bed with,
like, Mr. Darcy or Hugh Grant

from the British
Jones's Diaries.

Okay, did you just say "British"…
Did you say "British Jones's Diary"?

-Yeah, there's four of them.
-Yeah, it's not called "British Jones."

She's British!

She has a diary! What
are you talking about?

You're just some guy with a random
girl's name tattooed to your ass.

And you're just… You don't
even have an electric bill!

You don't even know the difference
between polyamory and monogamy.

What is the difference? They
sound exactly the fucking same.

It's really different.
It's really different.

-Okay.
-Also, I'm sorry.

Lissa Larchmont in
Julia Jessup's garden?

-What the fuck? Is this a game of Clue?
-Yeah. That's fair.

-Cluedo? Do you mean Cluedo?
-No. I mean Clue.

The board game? With, like,
the library and the pipe.

And the Colonel Mustard or
whatever. We call that Cluedo.

Well, that doesn't make sense
'cause it's a game of clues!

I don't know why you have to
add your little, you know,

teacup of charm into it.

I'm just telling you.
It's what it's called.

I feel like the problem is that
you're, like, obsessively scanning me

for red flags, but, I
mean, I don't, like…

I'm not assessing you for red flags
because that's not how my brain works.

But if I did, it's not
like you don't have any.

No. I don't have any.
Name one. I'm so fun!

Okay. You end every sentence
with a question mark.

-I do not?
-Yeah. Two red flags?

Like, you send crazy-long
texts one after the other.

Like, multiple paragraphs.

Before I've even checked my phone,
you've basically sent me an essay.

You talk about your ex
the whole fucking time.

But you've never told
me what he actually did,

so I don't know if he's a horrible monster
or if you're actually overly sensitive.

Also, by the way, sometimes
when you come, you look dead.

-That's hot.
-Okay, fair enough.

And, like, your dog smells really
weird. Your dog smells of vinegar.

-Vinegar is a cleaning product.
-Why? You've never had a good explanation.

Also, why do you keep
telling me you're sober?

You just had three signature
cocktails and took some coke!

-For what? To be polite?
-Who cares?

And you set yourself on fire
the first time I met you.

Literally, the first time
I met you, you're on fire.

-You're a ridiculous guy!
-Within five minutes.

You literally set yourself on fire.

Oh my God.

You're too
much, man. Too much.

Maybe I'm not too much.
Maybe you're just not enough.

No, I don't mean, like…

It's not an insult. I mean,
like, you know, you're too much.

Like, it's a good thing.

Like, just the right amount and
then, like, a little bit more.

Oh.

♪ I was just coastin' ♪

♪ Never really goin' anywhere ♪

♪ Caught up in a web ♪

♪ I was gettin' kinda
used To stayin' there ♪

♪ And out of the blue ♪

♪ I fell for you ♪

♪ Now, you're liftin' me up ♪

♪ 'Stead of holdin' me down ♪

♪ Stealin' my heart ♪

♪ 'Stead of stealing my crown ♪

♪ Untangled all the
strings 'Round my wings ♪

♪ That were tied ♪

♪ I didn't know him ♪

♪ And I didn't know me ♪

♪ Cloud Nine was
always out of reach ♪

♪ Now I remember What
it feels like to fly ♪

♪ You give me butterflies ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Now, you're liftin' me up ♪

♪ 'Stead of holdin' me down ♪

♪ You're takin' my hand
'Stead of takin' my crown ♪

♪ Untangled all the
strings 'Round my wings ♪

♪ That were tied ♪

♪ You give me butterflies ♪

♪ Mm-hmm-hmm ♪

♪ You give me butterflies ♪

♪ Mm, mm, mm ♪