Original subtitles

[telephone ringing]

[ring]

[click]

[Gabrielle]Hey, Catherine. How was your trip?

Did you find your orgasm?

[Catherine]Oh, my God!

Gabrielle, pack your bags.

You have to experience this.

Catherine has... We've been through so much,

and for so many years, I get these phone calls

and we're on different sides of the planet,

and she's like, "Oh, my God! You have got...

You have got to do this.

It is a miracle. It's a miracle."

I'm so sorry that it took me so long to figure it out,

that it's us.

I have spent so many years being so miserable

being made love to.

No matter how much I love my partner,

no matter how beautiful of a man he is,

no matter how...

how willing I am to go there,

I don't know how to get there.

I came home after having met a woman

who had full-bodied orgasms

and an incredibly awakened sex life,

and I had a deep sense, suddenly,

that I was capable of this,

in fact, that all women are capable of this.

And I said to him, "If I don't get to experience

my full sexual potential, what I'm hardwired

to be able to feel as a woman,

this deep pleasure... before I die,

I don't think I want to live."

It didn't matter how successful I was

in every area of my life, as a mother, a wife,

in my career.

As long as I was sexually unsatisfied,

I felt like a failure.

I would say the moment that it shifted

was this experience that I had with my husband

that for an entire week I was orgasmic.

-And... -Whoa.

...everything orgasmed.

My tongue on the roof of my mouth.

His nose to my nose.

His finger stimulating my fingertips.

Like for hours and hours and hours.

So much so that I thought I was going to explode and die.

It was insane.

I'm like, "Oh, my God, Gabrielle!

You're not going to believe what is possible!"

There is no physical pleasure,

because I can't get out of the way of my thoughts.

And we're going to learn to transcend that?

Yes, because I've been headlocked most of my life.

I have actually been able to experience

what it feels like to be able to release the head

and move into the body.

[Gabrielle] I'm not sure I can do this.

I think I'm a lost cause.

[Catherine] Would you just trust me?

If it can work for me, it can work for anybody.

[Gabrielle] OK.

[Catherine] I'm going to introduce you to every expert

in the field of sexuality until you find your orgasm.

[music]

Because we live in such a sexually repressed culture,

any investigation or talking about that makes you a pervert,

because we're terrified of sexual desire.

All religions shame sexuality.

It's like, watch out, it's bad, it's naughty, et cetera.

Other than procreation.

Because that happens to help build our numbers

in our religion.

Sex is what animals do, and we are animals.

And making love is a different business.

When I talk to women about sex drive, for example,

or libido, that happens to be

the biggest sexual complaint in America.

This is baffling to me.

How can we be still sexually illiterate in the 21st century?

Learning sex is just like learning to play an instrument.

We all have natural musical ability.

Everyone has a sense of rhythm,

but whether you learn to play the piano or not is up to you.

I think that women don't know

that they're entitled to have great sex.

And I don't think they know that their bodies are capable of it.

I was not having cataclysmic sexual experiences.

But I knew that there was more.

I didn't know there was more.

I actually thought women were lying

when they said there was more.

When they said they had full-body orgasms

or sex was fabulous.

The question we need to ask ourselves,

we need to ask everyone,

is, "Are you ready to play a larger game?"

As a man, I have no idea about women.

Still?

I'm still learning. I'm still learning.

You never learn completely about women.

Why?

Why? Because they are opposite to us.

Completely opposite to us.

Do you think that men and women separate their mind and body

the same way, or do you think that women

are more inclined to do that, to sort of disconnect

between the head and what lies beneath?

Can a woman have a satisfying sexual experience

if she's disconnected from her body?

Absolutely not, impossible.

Can a man have a sexual experience,

maybe not hugely satisfying,

if he's not really in his body, absolutely.

Men reach orgasm fairly easily, most men do, anyway.

The women, you have to know how to do it,

and, of course, women themselves know how--

-[both] Well...? -[woman chuckles]

Yes, some don't, that's true.

In fact, there are places in the world

where you ask the women how often do you have orgasm,

and they don't even know what you mean.

A lot of people in our culture feel like they're broken

or something's wrong with them because they're not having

the mind-blowing orgasm.

And it's not that you're broken.

It's that you have a lack of sex education.

The question is, how do I have an orgasm?

Is it a kind of pathetic, spasmodic...

-Sneeze -...seven-second...

...sneeze, thank you...

or is it this full experience,

where the heart is fucked open to God,

where the entire body shudders with quivering tenderness,

opening up the heavens and the earth

in this ecstatic merger

which reveals the ultimate essence of all that is?

-Yes! I say yes! -Thank you, thank God!

That's the orgasm I want to have.

When women are looking for a man,

subconsciously they're looking for this real man

who can give me an orgasm.

Do all men think they're great fucks?

It's cultural conditioning, yeah.

So, yes.

But you know what, so do women.

Normal penetration lasts between two and seven minutes.

-What? That's it? -Yeah, that's it.

And it takes between 20 and 45 minutes

for a woman to become fully aroused.

That doesn't work very well hand in hand, does it now?

Yes, exactly.

The ability to stay aroused

in a relationship which is sustained is huge.

So let's offer two things which I think are just

so critical, and without it, we can't move.

The first is that each partner has to take responsibility

for their own arousal.

What we usually do is the man says to the woman,

"Turn me on."

The woman says to the man, "Arouse me."

Now, that should absolutely happen --

the man should ravish his woman,

the woman should be a radiant goddess for her man --

but that's only half the story.

The other half of the story is, I need to take responsibility

for my arousal, and the way I do that

in a monogamous relationship

is that I eroticize all of my partner.

When women don't take responsibility

for their sexuality, they split off from it.

They either wait for someone to come rescue them,

or they project the perceived negative aspects

onto somebody else.

[Gabrielle] I just have been

blaming my lovers for my dissatisfaction

and have been completely shut down in my body.

There's a whole network of erectile tissue

in a woman's body, in her vaginal area.

It looks like a penis turned inside out, really.

Like split in half and turned inside out.

We have as much erectile tissue internally

as a man has externally.

[woman] Pound for pound, inch for inch,

women have a penis's worth of erectile tissue.

It just takes us 20 to 45 minutes to get a hard-on.

The vagina is from the same tissue

that makes the shaft of the penis.

The clitoris is from the same tissue at the head of the penis.

Your clitoris has 6,000 to 8,000 nerve endings,

and it's an extraordinary tool

that's just there for your pleasure.

I've experienced two very different type

of orgasm/climaxes,

that I didn't know existed.

One was this

type of climax that I literally had to force to happen.

It's like it was very will-induced.

And there was a lot of pressure around it and stress.

I have to say, like physical, muscular tension

and withholding of breath and clenching.

Then there was this other orgasm that was very elusive,

that just happened to me.

And I didn't have to do anything.

And I think there's a confusion.

We've had so many discussions with girlfriends

and they don't know the difference.

The clitoris is where you have the light bulb orgasms.

Clitoral orgasms are very exciting.

Cervical orgasms, vaginal orgasms,

are voluptuous.

The orgasms that happen for me

45 minutes into a love-making session

are completely different than the ones that happen

20 minutes into a love-making session.

So there is this cumulative effect.

The longer we're bringing that arousal,

the more juices are flowing, literally,

the more blood --

It's just like everything's enriched, engorged.

The body is working at its optimum capacity.

I definitely feel like I've had a varied experience

with all different types of orgasms.

Some are full-body, some are more...

soul shattering.

How long do you think your orgasms last?

Uh...

[man] Minutes.

Are you talking or am I talking?

[laughter]

As soon as he ejaculates, he has to go to sleep.

And you haven't even started, he's gone to sleep.

It's true. It would be good to have lots of men lined up.

Absolutely.

The masters of old used to say the man should enter soft

and come out hard.

Not go in hard, finish himself,

come out soft, meaning he's depleted.

He should come out more virile than when he started.

Which is not that easy to do.

-How do you get it in? -She stuffs him in.

Like she folds the socks together.

-Oh, so you fold the penis... -You fold him in, stuff him in,

and he grows and lengthens inside you.

-Hopefully. -Hopefully.

Well, with a little squeezing of the muscles, this can happen.

OK, we're going to discuss

everything from mapping the female genitals,

which, you would think we would know what's going on

between our legs, but actually we don't.

[music]

I don't like to go to the gym, but when I have been

and I'm in the shower, I make a point of making sure

I look at every woman's vagina to compare my own to,

because it's the only chance I get if I don't look at porn,

-which is not accurate. -Those aren't even real.

You can't even see the full vagina.

No, but I do my best.

[woman] I'm so curious.

If they were celebrated everywhere,

if we had these massive shrines to them,

I think we would be like, "That's right, mm-hmm."

We should be able to spread our legs and go, "Wow!"

Women have all of these pleasure parts

that most of us don't know about.

We don't know.

Our healthcare providers don't know.

The sex books, the textbooks, most tantra teachers,

sexuality teachers, sex educators,

midwives, doctors -- they don't know this stuff is there.

Why?

The first edition ofJoy of Sex

did not mention the word "clitoris."

Really?

-You're kidding. -I kid you not.

Didn't really focus that much on female pleasure, actually.

So we got back one part of the clitoris.

And then we got the "G spot."

Um, which isn't a spot

and the Dr. Grafenberg, who it's named after,

didn't have one.

So I don't really care for that name.

The only problem is it's not actually a spot.

It's a tube of erectile tissue

that surrounds the tube of the urethra.

Do you know where your G spot is?

[woman] Yes.

This is the clitoris.

This, therefore, would be the G spot,

which we're not calling a G spot anymore.

-No, fuck the G spot. -Fuck the G spot.

-Sacred spot. -Sacred spot.

Whoo!

-Have you mapped your G spot? -No.

So, mapping, it's like a clock face.

You want to see your G spot like a clock face.

Let's say you're at the twelve o'clock position,

and you would do like, OK, now I'm doing

back and forth with medium pressure.

On a scale of 1 to 5, how arousing is that?

-Yeah. -So it might be side to side,

it might be more of the "come hither."

I say anchor and pull instead of "come hither."

So this is like what normal sex does,

is friction over,

versus anchoring in and pulling towards.

Do you see the difference?

So you're anchoring underneath and pulling away.

This is the area where the Grafenberg spot is.

And that's where it will swell.

But you have to use quite a bit of pressure.

It's not just a nice -- you have to use two fingers.

-You really wanna come here! -You really wanna come here!

It's hard to stimulate with a penis.

A lot easier with fingers.

You could do it with a penis but at quite an angle.

The clitoris has a shaft,

which is under the hood.

The clitoris has legs,

which extend 3 to 4 inches down on either side,

like a fat wishbone.

And that's just the three parts of the clitoris.

all made of erectile tissue.

There's the vestibular bulbs,

which are two big, fat wads of erectile tissue.

-Mm. That sounds so good. -I know.

Pleasure in a woman's body

is the offering that we make to the divine.

And the expression of pleasure in the body

is something that's hard for most women.

Because we've been shut down, right, and it's not safe.

My earliest memories were where I was very orgasmic

at a very early age

and was utterly ashamed because of it

and would spend hours in the gym class

at the top of the ropes where no one could see me coming.

Like this.

[laughter]

Like a little monkey. Like a bonobo.

[woman] Oh, you are a bonobo!

Play with gifting yourself,

giving yourself pleasure sessions.

I've been conditioned for so many years,

because I've been self-pleasuring

since I was very young,

to do it from such a negative place.

You know, it's what's turned me on has been so negative.

So the idea of doing something tender and...

It's just like, "That's gonna turn me on?"

Forget the orgasm stuff for now. Focus on the pleasure.

And run little experiments and notice what happens

and when anything good happens, practice that.

The best way to get to the orgasm is to let go of it.

Yeah.

Pleasure practice is, in fact, the attention towards opening

and relaxing.

There's specific aspects like dancing,

like being with your animals, like being in beauty.

Like being in nature.

Smells, sounds, delicious foods.

All of those things automatically open the body.

So this brings us to pleasure and the body

and women, and women's orgasmic potential.

The Hitachi Magic Wand was, for a number of years,

the most popular masturbatory device in the United States.

It's hard core,

the amount of voltage coming out of that thing.

-How big is it? -It's...

You can put all penises aside when you have one of those.

But it's not used internally, of course.

It's an external massage device.

Why have something so big for just the clit?

'Cause it works wonders.

Oh, OK.

I mean, as opposed to like a "zzz,"

it's like "ZZZ!"

It's kind of scary, actually.

Vibrators were invented by doctors

who didn't want to actually touch women

because it was considered that orgasms cured hysteria.

There's something that a woman has designed

called the Crystal Wand.

It actually has a little handle,

and it's beautifully curved.

It's not the size of a penis at all.

It's... it's delicate.

-More like the size of a finger? Yes, like the size of a finger.

It's a delicate piece of assistance

to help keep the energy in there awake.

By the way, if anybody's worried about it,

the stats are that in couples where they self-cultivate,

they have more partnered sex.

It does not take the place of partnered sex.

It's not like somehow if you touch yourself,

you're not going to want your mate -- not true.

[music]

Most of our body parts were named by men.

So there's this lack of sort of sensual sensitivity

to the anatomy.

So, what do we do with our vaginas,

do we just make something up?

What would that word be? What would it look like?

How many syllables would it have?

The most accurate word would be "vulva."

It sounds like a bloody car.

I think it's important to reclaim every single word

that has been identified as our genitals.

And I don't mind going back historically

and reclaiming "cunt,"

because it was like not an insult, originally.

And in fact, it was like a very honoring term.

What I'd invite you to do with all of the media images

and all of the stuff that you've been bombarded with

that has a negative like, ecch,

is to start creating your own new images.

In our culture right now, coming on a woman's face

is more like a degrading thing,

as opposed to seeing it as something beautiful

and something that is life giving.

The idea of Amrita for the female sexual fluids,

that this is like the divine nectar of a goddess.

And you can think of it the same way with a man,

like this is the divine nectar of a man.

However, I'm more concerned by what he is feeling

when he ejaculates.

And if he is feeling negativity

and objectifying me.

Because it's very hard for me then to transcend that

into my own version of, "OK, I'm absorbing his essence,"

even though he may be thinking,

"I'm gonna fucking come all over her fucking face, that cunt."

Why are you sleeping with that person?

No, I'm not sleeping with that person,

but that's where my mind goes to,

because of the images that I've absorbed

throughout my life

and through my own sexual experiences in my past.

Can you reframe objectification?

Please.

So, instead of being an object in a negative sense,

being like, "You're irresistible."

You are so hot and irresistible

that he just has to have an orgasm.

It's more like idolizing rather than objectifying.

Yes, like they're idolizing you.

You're so irresistible, you're so hot.

OK, that I like.

[laughter]

So you become what you believe,

and you must believe yourself to be this vibrant, juicy,

powerful, self-healing majestic creature,

because that is truly what you are.

A woman.

We need to make new language, so for example,

what's the word for a clit erection?

OK, men have "boner," "hard-on," "morning wood."

Tumescence. Tumy.

I have never heard this word before.

It means engorgement, apparently.

I got a tumy?

That sounds like a suitcase.

What about a hoodie?

A standing-O? Like a standing ovation?

Oh, I like that.

Like, I have a standing-O for so-and-so.

I got a throb.

What about a whale?

-Really, a whale in your pants? -I got a whaler.

I think that the earthquake ones are really good.

Like an 8.0?

An 8.0, oh, I love that.

Blue balls, right? How many blue clits are there?

No human is just masculine or feminine.

The masculine and the man, you know, ask a guy,

how is he feeling?

Good, OK.

What are you thinking? Nothing.

What are you thinking? Nothing.

When you have a wife and six children in a cave

in the middle of winter and you go out and track a deer

and that deer has a baby, you better be dull enough

that you don't feel enough compassion

to not kill the mother and the baby

because otherwise your whole tribe will die.

Why do I have a hard time with that?

Because you're a woman and life

and the sustaining of life and the exchange of love

is the most important thing.

Everybody has an internal female and an internal male.

So woman have a male that is actually there for them to use.

What they end up doing is, they use it in an unhealthy way.

So what that looks like is the aggressiveness,

the control, the domination.

But those are actually unhealthy male qualities

even in a male.

Women are not happy with modern men.

Thousands and thousands of women told me about,

why can't they find a guy who's just gonna man up?

But when they run across a man who does,

they go, "He's acting like a caveman,

he's not being sensitive," and so yeah.

-That is so funny. -Not from a man's point of view.

I can't help that. I mean, I want the ape man.

But then when he does something apelike, I'm horrified.

It just hasn't really occurred to me,

in my little nucleus of a family and my relationship with my man,

I didn't think he was still a Neanderthal.

Well, actually, I do call him a Neanderthal at times.

But hasn't he evolved away from that cave?

Yes, he has, but the first thing that happens is

survival needs to be handled.

What is the disparity between the female...

Just the undulations between all those emotions.

There is no undulation in the masculine.

-None? -None.

You have to imagine if your masculine is the pole,

the unwavering pole of consciousness

that you can undulate around?

[music]

The pole is, to me, it's a symbol

of the fourth wave of feminism,

which I believe is coming, we're on it, we're in it.

But it is the wave of sexual reclamation,

body reclamation, feminine body reclamation,

and within that body resides our sexuality.

We are sexual creatures, right?

Our breasts curve, our hips curve,

our asses curve, our legs curve, our necks curve.

We're just these wonderful, curvy, beautiful creatures,

and our bodies are meant to attract

and have conversations with everybody,

very specifically the masculine energy

and the masculine eye and the masculine body,

and the feminine has to master the dance

between her feminine and masculine energy.

It's a dance.

Curve of movement.

Feminine movement.

That's that big, stretchy, round, curvy, yummy movement

that is slow... Yeah, yeah, beautiful.

You're already moving through sensuality.

Letting the flavours move you.

Letting them stir up the emotion inside,

which is allowing yourself to feel.

[music]

[Catherine] Dr. Pat Allen will help Gabriel and me,

um, be less masculine.

And she's the one who said, before I met you,

when I was in a really paltry relationship

and she had just autopsied the relationship,

which she does very finely,

and I said, "When am I gonna meet a good man?"

And she said, "When you meet a better man than you."

So let's say I, hypothetically, come to you and say --

You're asking for a friend, right?

-Yes, I am. -[chuckles]

So, my friend is sexually unsatisfied.

-Man or woman? -She's a female.

-She looks a lot like me. -No, she's not female.

She's male.

You women have Yin bodies but Yang souls.

We use this word "chivalry," but it's really to describe

this act of the masculine showing up

and being present for the woman.

That's what a lot of modern women are craving,

is that they have so much masculine energy at play,

they're dying for a place to surrender and let go.

My fellow insists on opening the car door for me,

no matter what is going on.

There could be a torrential downpour,

but he walks around the car, and I say,

"It's OK, honey, I'll make a run for it,"

He ignores me completely, and it is so fucking sexy

to be ignored in that instance.

Exactly.

It's about allowing myself to feel safe to let go.

Like if every time he does something like that,

I take a moment just to go,

"Wow, he's signaling to me that I can let go."

This conversation we're having in certain circles

would be very frowned upon, right?

From a strong feminist perspective.

I would have frowned upon this conversation six months ago.

That's the difference, it's a choice, right?

[music]

I don't think we trust our own pleasure.

We were taught not to.

We were taught pleasure was dangerous,

it was gonna get us in trouble.

It was gonna cause us to be too wild.

We weren't going to be pleasing to other people.

We'd be bad girls.

Most of us have shut down our sexual energy at some point

earlier on in our lives, when we were told

that what we were doing was inappropriate.

Whether it was touching ourselves, whatever,

which all little children do.

We got negative messages about our sexual energy,

how to hide that and not to pleasure ourselves in any way.

I think I have been so shut down,

the thought of deep pleasure has been almost terrifying to me.

Like if I allowed myself to feel that good,

what does that mean?

Am I that worthy?

You know, I've never felt that I've been worthy

of that kind of release, of feeling the bliss.

I can read that in you, that you don't love yourself deeply.

No. Not even much at all, let alone deeply.

Do you stop yourself from having a full experience

because of that fear?

I mean, it seems like you go for that anyway.

Well, I think I've spent so many years trying to be

what I want people to think that I am

rather than...

being my authentic self.

I'm sure that has to do with not wanting to let go

to even be able to climax,

because it's like you have to let go to that degree

of appearing foolish or not knowing what's going to happen.

I just had this funny image of myself

when I would receive pleasure as a child,

and it was in the wrong way.

The person who I sought pleasure with,

we would make a tent in my bedroom,

within a tent, so that if someone were--

'Cause there was no lock on the door --

if someone entered the room, we would have enough time

to undo what we were doing in our pleasure

before they got through the two layers of the tent.

And I'm thinking, maybe, in my love making,

I should make a tent.

Two tents. That's a way of creating safety.

And when you really feel safe,

then you can start to feel your pleasure.

Your goal is to actually focus on the sensation,

but if something is distracting you,

allow yourself the ability to say,

"Oh, that's distracting me, I need something adjusted."

[music]

[laughter]

We just have to wait while she drifts off.

See you later.

[music]

So the sensual are ruled by the mind,

and they have a hard time getting in their body.

Um, a great example is like

what I do with the sensual wiring types in session is

literally get them on the table and be like,

"OK, tell me everything that's wrong in the room

that needs to be adjusted before you can settle down."

They need to have like all of the t's crossed

and the i's dotted and everything set up

in a particular way

so then they can settle into their sensuality.

Ding! Oh, yeah, I forgot to turn the laundry over.

The bedroom's not clean.

Beep. Gotta start all over again.

That would be me.

Get the Swiffer out.

So she can interrupt her sex drive at any moment

with any kind of stressful thing,

and as soon as the stress hormones come in,

epinephrine, norepinephrine,urrrr,arousal goes down

and lubrication goes down

and her sex drive goes in the toilet again.

Do you find it hard to get out of your head

and out of your thinking and into your body?

For a woman, totally, 100 percent. For a man, no.

For women, yes.

If I relax myself and I let the day's problems go,

the children go, whatever, and I say,

"OK, tonight, you know, nothing else matters,"

then it can happen.

But if one thing is on my mind, it's not gonna happen.

I don't care how hard he tries.

It's OK to sit there in a meditation,

"I love myself, I love my body,

I love my breasts, I love my vagina,

I love my thighs," but that's my mind talking.

My body does not feel that at all.

The mind's job is to think, so number one,

don't make an enemy of your mind, that is its job.

But then you should be able to develop a frequency

that the mind can go and you can keep going.

If the mind is stopping you from the deeper experience,

then you're having an aversion

and probably avoidance of some deeper feelings.

So to really have a deep ability

to hold orgasmic energy for a long time,

you're going to feel a lot,

not just what you "want to feel."

A lot of people just want to have a better orgasm,

they want their relationships to get better.

They don't understand that they're going to feel

more of what they haven't been feeling.

I need more instruction.

Where is the problem?

Right here.

But the body's still having these experiences.

Yes, but what's the good of that if the mind is saying,

"You're faking, you're lying, you're shit, you're ugly,

you're frigid, you're cold, fuck you"?

You can't stop your body from being orgasmic.

However horrible the things are that you say to yourself,

your body's still having these profound experiences.

But my mind is nullifying it because I'm not able to enjoy it

because it's... there's such a restriction

put on the experience by my interpretation of it.

My question to you is,

how can your mind actually prevent

the sensation of your fingertips on your arm?

It can't reduce the feeling on my arm,

but what it can do is reduce the experience of pleasure.

How?

All right, you be my lover and stroke my arm.

OK.

Oh, my lover is stroking my arm.

I wonder why he's doing that. What's he after?

He wants something from me because--

OK, so what I'm hearing right then is that

the moment you had this experience, you were present,

and then you stopped being present

and you went off in your mind loopy.

Do you remain present while I'm talking to you

or are you still looping?

-Always looping. -You're always looping.

-You want to slap me, don't you? -Yeah.

Oh, no!

[laughter]

The South Pole of the clitoris is the sacred spot,

or the G spot.

And that's where all of the messages

really get to the brain,

that I'm having orgasms here, I'm having a great time.

I love penetration, I love a man's penis inside me.

That's all being said to your brain

in a positive response.

Letting yourself be penetrated by a man

is a deeply intimate, deeply vulnerable,

deeply spiritual, deeply scary thing.

Before physical penetration there comes

emotional penetration, psychic penetration,

spiritual penetration, where...

we feel a man and we feel how stable is he.

When we want to be penetrated, we have to make ourselves soft.

What you're saying is so key. I thought it was backwards.

I thought the penetration would move me

and would cause me to surrender,

but it wasn't until I completely surrendered

that he could actually penetrate me effectively.

As a man, I think, you know, when spending time with a woman

or a lover, it's really important

what you're bringing to the space as well,

you know, and if you're in a relaxed state,

women typically respond to that, you know.

So that's a great place to start, checking...

how you're breathing, what your intention is.

What is it that you could bring that would, uh...

have a woman soften and feel safe?

When you get penetrated by a man who is that conscious,

the penetration has a different weight.

It's a totally different feeling,

when the whole totality of existence

presses down on this man who then presses into you.

I have experienced that.

How do you teach a man to penetrate?

Well, he has to know his purpose.

He has to know what he's about, and the most important thing is

you cannot be more important than his purpose,

which, of course, every woman hates...

-Mm-hmm. -...and loves.

Yeah, it is really sexy and annoying at the same time.

Yes, it is sexy and annoying as fuck!

Catherine's been through a process

with one of the healers, his name is Nityama,

and he takes you into your body where you're experiencing

this wave of orgasmic pleasure.

And we're looking for a model

to do this demonstration on camera because

Catherine and I are too chicken.

[laughter]

In the end of the process, your genitals don't exist.

You are literally an orgasmic wave.

I would love to experience these long-lasting waves

that you've been telling me about,

but I can't really say that I've experienced that.

My fella and I are going to work on the same techniques

so I can actually accomplish that with him.

The two of you will do a simple exercise,

and you'll be able to see how it's a metaphor of love making.

Right hand to right hand.

You'll close your eyes.

Calm your mind and become aware of your own hand.

Your own right hand.

I'm going to massage you for a long time.

I'm focusing on releasing your negative emotions.

You're breathing, you're releasing negative emotions

and then filling up with positive emotions.

You're moving your body

and processing your positive emotions.

And now, very slowly,

start to explore your partner's hand.

Where is their hand?

You'll start moving the hand to actually explore it.

Go slow enough to where you never lose sight of yourself

or your friend's hand, your partner's hand.

Where are they?

When I went back to Shareef, I said, "I got it.

I figured it all out, I got it. This is what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna do this and you're gonna do this,

and I will do that when you do this.

After that, you'll do this, and I will do this."

And the minute we got into intimacy,

my fear arose

and my trust issues arose.

And I said, "Stop everything."

Shareef isn't a healer.

He hasn't been trained in the art of tantra.

He's a beautiful gentleman, so guess what he did?

He stopped and he backed off.

What I needed was for him to do this thing

which is new for me of holding space,

which is basically, "My wife is raging at me.

I'm just gonna stay here with her."

What happens is, in that love,

you pass through that phase of mistrust and fear,

and then you can come back to an orgasmic potential.

[music]

During our session, I don't know what I was feeling.

I went through so many different degrees

of sensory awareness in my body.

What happened to you is you lose your control.

You surrender.

You know when you're exercising and you push yourself

and you push yourself and push yourself

like you get to this level, this plateau, and you're like,

"I'm going to go further." No?

Well, that was my entryway into seeing

that leveled potential in sex,

that I would hit this level and then go another level

and then go another level and go another level

and break through to something completely, you know,

where I would come out of this experience with this orgasm

and feel like a different person,

but feel like more of me.

Not different like somebody else, but more of me.

Guys are offended when somebody offers to teach them,

and they're even offended when women offer to teach them.

Yeah, well, I'm going about it in a different way.

I'm not saying that that's what I want.

I'm getting pissed

and I'm being, I'm angry.

What are you telling him you're pissed at?

Anything, everything.

So you're blaming everything and anything

rather than the root cause of it?

Haven't you stressed how important that is to you,

to have that time with him?

Do you think he understands it's hard for you?

You're holding, not just a hand,

it's a person's hand.

And the person has lived many years

and been through many things.

The actual hand you're holding, if you can imagine this,

that hand, that simple thing we take for granted,

that hand has actually clenched in pain,

it's actually wiped away tears,

it's waved goodbye,

it's carried its first lunchbox to school.

It held hands for the first time.

Beautiful. Hold still for just a second.

Good. Good.

That was a beautiful exercise, and I felt...

I felt...

everything.

[music]

I thought that once Shareef had experienced me in that state

and had experienced that state himself

that everything would change, but it hasn't.

I think I had this misconception that once a woman is opened up,

that she's in a perpetual state of bliss.

-And that's not... -That's not the case.

Not, not necessarily. It's like...

It's layer after layer after layer.

Great.

Sacred spot or G spot area itself can be very numb

initially upon contact.

And it's numb to protect itself.

It's a sleeping giant in there.

And it's filled with energy and it's filled with consciousness.

And the body kind of like holds trauma and it goes numb.

It's called body armoring. It desensitizes.

So it needs to go through a process of reawakening.

And that is called somatic sexual healing

or we call it tantric healing.

People also have, uh, in particular

like emotional trauma and wounding.

It's not uncommon and they say--

There's no scientific basis for us to say this,

but they will say clinically that people seem

to hold wounding in the sexual areas

if they have had trauma, and sometimes

when they do the healing work,

it will release a lot of emotion.

[sighing]

Well, I'm really inspired to hear a doctor state

that trauma is stored in vaginal tissue.

A lot of my experiences as I was waking up this area

was a huge release of emotion.

I had sexual trauma as a child,

and I did decades of different types of therapy,

and I always still felt like a victim.

My body felt like it was never going to purge itself

of that original trauma.

But when I started doing sexual healing work,

somatic sexual healing work, it's gone.

When you think of the number of women

who have been sexually abused -- the numbers are phenomenal --

and the number of women who report problems

where they're not feeling pleasure,

I think there's got to be some correlation there.

And trauma doesn't always have to mean like a specific trauma,

although that can be very painful and long-lasting.

It can be a series

of stress-related negative experiences

and cultural conditioning.

Why is that vagina numb?

It's a problem with nerves, right?

So you look at the pudendal nerve

and see if that's a problem.

That can give you clitoral numbness, penile numbness.

How do you look at that nerve? What does that entail?

Hi, Dr. Weiss.

Keep pushing in against my hand. The other way.

-I'm just going to check the... -Whoo!

[laughs]

-Right there? -Yes, that's so painful.

So that's when I press the tube.

What does that mean?

She has an injury in that muscle fiber.

That can give, that area--

See, this goes next to the bladder.

That can give you urinary urgency or frequency.

That's tight.

OK.

You don't have to change anything for me.

[laughter]

I guess I feel very vulnerable with your hand inside me.

Oh, that feels good.

-Ahahahahaha... -You have a good voice.

That whole area feels like it's on fire.

-And that's about to be fixed. -Oh, it can?

Oh, I don't like that.

[high-pitched] That feels very...

Ever fall on your tailbone?

[laughing] Yeah, I did have a roller-skating accident.

I must have been about, I don't know, 15?

When you get to a muscle like this,

it's like the body armor captures emotions at the time

and people will start crying and doing all kinds of stuff.

Maybe I'm just hanging onto some old stuff.

[Catherine] Tight ass? No, I have a tight clitoris.

Catherine and I believe that there's a point during labour

where we both felt very close to orgasm.

Had we a better understanding of deep relaxation in the body

and were able to be more centered and grounded,

specifically in the area that was birthing,

we may have been able to sort of transcend

the pain during childbirth and actually have an experience

that was quite pleasurable.

So we wanted a professional opinion

about whether you thought that was even possible.

Yeah, I mean, theoretically, why not?

Because the boundary between pleasure and pain

is very close.

There were moments where I felt tremendous sexual pleasure.

But I was so convinced that it was probably more like pain

because that's how I was conditioned to think.

Even if we just reprogrammed women into thinking...

-Just giving them permission. -Yes, to feel pleasure.

You were a midwife.

Did you ever experience a woman having an orgasmic birth?

Absolutely.

In fact, most of what I learned about how to have amazing sex

I learned from being a midwife,

from working with women,

and from learning from birth.

That makes sense because it's a trance state that you go in.

It's an altered state.

We've both given birth three times,

and you go into an altered state.

Exactly. In fact, the altered state of labour

and the altered state of arousal

are almost exactly the same state.

-Yes, they are. -Yes, they are.

Then they're supposed to be that way.

If we knew how to stimulate women properly during labour,

we would have orgasmic births.

There are birth orgasms.

There are cultures who apply vaginal stimulation, massage,

vaginal massage, prior to the delivery.

I imagine that if you're stimulating a woman sexually

around the clitoris,

that it would change the nerve impulses.

That must be a Californian thing because I do a perineal massage

and I promise you I never go there.

So you do a perineal massage, but you're massaging

all the way around the vagina.

Just the perineum because that's the area

that's the most, you know, under pressure,

the most at risk of breaking apart.

This is precisely our point.

If we avoid the area

that presents itself as a pleasure zone --

I'm not sure why we avoid that area but we obviously do...

I don't know if I need to speak to my lawyer now.

[laughter]

We set them up to fail.

We did everything we possibly could

to keep them from getting into that altered state.

It would be like saying to somebody,

"OK, I want you to get turned on and have an orgasm

and you have to go to the hospital because it's dangerous,

and you might fail at it because a lot of people do.

And now we're going to put you in a silly gown

and put you in the bed with the fluorescent lights

and the weird smells and then strange people are gonna come in

and periodically stick their hand in your crotch

and judge you, and then also ask you ridiculous questions,

like your mother's maiden name, your social security number.

You have to think about the answers.

And you're on a clock.

You better do it in time," and then they're gonna go,

"So how you doing, getting wet? Getting turned on?"

That's what we're doing to women with labour.

And when we understand the connection

between birth and sex,

then we would treat birth entirely differently.

Yeah, yeah.

In my first labour, during many, many hours of labour,

at one point I was hanging off my midwife's neck,

like just dangling off her like, "Help me!"

And she looked down at me and she said,

"You can let this baby out now."

And I was like, "Oh!"

I was given permission to be safe enough

to bring this child into the world,

and all of the sudden, my hips opened

and everything started moving and out she came.

Same thing with sex. Same thing with pleasure.

I learned monkey breath from Elena Tonetti

who was the birth woman, and it's what they gave women

when they got stuck in labour, second stage,

so that they could have the orgasmic birth.

But it was also a technique that helped them get out

of their thinking minds and into their primal mind.

Which is where you need to go for orgasm,

and sensual types really have trouble with this.

So I say do a little monkey breath in the bathroom

before you go have sex.

Because maybe you don't want your partner seeing you

doing monkey breath 'cause it looks kind of crazy.

Move your jaw side to side, don't get in a pattern.

Close it, tighten it, squeeze your eyes shut,

open, keep breathing.

[panting]

Move your bodies, a little stiff in your bodies.

You can move your body...

[panting]

Female ejaculation.

We're going to demystify what that is

and why it's so important.

Squirting.

-Otherwise known as squirting. -OK.

There's a difference, not only in urine and female ejaculation,

but a significant difference

and something they call gushing or squirting,

which is diluted urine that has a little bit

of the component from the female prostate gland,

the PSA, prostate-specific androgen,

and glucose and fructose,

and it has some of the components of urine

in the gushing.

Have you encountered a squirter?

Oh, yeah.

-Oh, yeah. -Or a gusher.

So you have a technique in order to elicit such a thing?

I wouldn't say it because every woman's not the same.

-Right. -Good answer.

The one I experienced it with was actually an older lady,

like in her 40s.

-[mock sobbing] -Older.

The thing about ejaculating is, you have to really, really,

really surrender.

Because now you're actually pushing out a little bit

as the pleasure rolls through you.

Which is the hardest thing to do.

So you have to be really comfortable that you're not...

You know, that even if you peed on the bed, it doesn't matter.

Or whatever, you have to be really comfortable

with your partner.

And if you're not and you're holding back,

and you're keeping that muscle a little bit tight,

you can't ejaculate.

The tendency in women, we're to be good girls.

We're not supposed to make messes in bed.

We're not supposed to completely surrender

and let go of everything.

I want to be good and I want to be sweet and perfect

and I want to look good and hold it all together.

And I think that's the biggest thing

that holds many women back.

I think we're so afraid of being out of control,

and when you're experiencing intense bliss,

you're completely out of control.

Some women ejaculate so much

that scientists can't quite explain it.

Don't look at me!

Catherine was calling me, "Oh, my God.

You have to try this modality, it's amazing,

I'm squirting all over the house!

I'm squirting the neighbours."

And that is a gift from God.

And the goddess flows through in this wet way.

She just, in her own wet way, she just flows through.

-The gushing goddess. -The gushing goddess.

Not in teaspoons or tablespoons, but in cups and quarts.

Ancient cultures called it this sacred fluid, the Amrita.

Kama Sutra. I mean, this goes way back.

Thousands and thousands of years.

There's a tribe in Africa where they teach women

-to spray the walls... -To spray the walls?

-Yeah, so that's the gushing. -How fun!

[laughter]

The Batoro tribe and they call it Kachapati.

How fabulous. We should have a Kachapati party.

[laughter]

I invite women to expand their orgasmic potential

because it makes you happier, it's better for your health.

It helps keep you more useful, your biochemistry,

your hormones, helps menopause symptoms.

There's so much research now coming out

on how orgasm is amazing for you,

and how expanding your orgasm

and having different kinds of orgasms

helps keep you healthy and actually live longer.

Orgasm is a whole-brain phenomenon.

Basically, all the systems of the brain

are "go" at orgasm.

One of the biggest things that our participants have to do

to find out what is going on in the brain

is either be self-stimulated or stimulated by a partner

and keep still while they have an orgasm.

You have to invent a new machine.

We've made a "happy helmet," which has a nice neck brace,

that really helps stabilize the brain.

-Would you like to model that? -No.

-This is mine. -Oh, that's yours?

And he's contributed a bunch of orgasms for the men's study.

Bravo!

What OM taught me was

to feel what was there

as it was happening,

literally one stroke at a time, and it changed my sex life.

So I don't know that I would experience

what I experience in sex without have OMed.

I could see that one hand was stroking the clitoris,

but it looked like your thumb

was right at the entrance of her vagina.

So this is the entry, the introitus, right?

I would have my thumb just barely at the edge.

And that gives me, it has a couple purposes.

It's like a ground, and it's also a way

that I can actually feel the involuntary contractions

going through her body, so at a certain point,

it's almost like RPMs.

I can actually feel the speed her body is actually moving at.

The beauty for me of OM is that you can plug it--

If you're a monogamous couple, you can use it

to get closer to your partner.

There are people who are interested in realization

who use it for that purpose.

There are women who are, like I said, tired and wired,

who just want to like get their shot of oxytocin

and be on with their day.

I think the other element is that it's 15 minutes a day.

I'm missing something.

You don't do it in conjunction with sex.

So a woman will strip from her waist down.

Assume a position.

And you stimulate the left upper quadrant of the clitoris.

The number-one thing I would say about it

is my attention has like shot through the roof.

And I realize it is my most valuable asset.

Your awareness.

This isn't sex and it's not a replacement for sex,

and it's not foreplay.

It's like I would go and do yoga

or I would do sitting meditation.

It's my practice that I have to have it be

that my tank is full.

And when my tank is full, you know,

when I have a massive amount of pleasure in my body,

it will naturally change my sex life.

I brought a present for both of you.

I brought you some rose quartz Ben Wa balls.

It sounds like dessert.

Your vagina's going to swallow them.

And they're delectable and delicious.

So you want to put it through the hole.

And then we're going to tie it off.

So you want to make sure that you thread them individually.

OK, because what you want

is for them to be moving around separately

inside your vagina.

So the Jade Egg practices are really good to help you

just really gently start to get to know

the internal parts of your vaginal walls.

What can you do with your egg?

How skilled are you with your egg?

OK, this is probably a reflection of my own practice,

but I can push eggs and cocks out of me.

Like... I mean, I'm telling you.

I will be in this crazy orgasmic experience,

-and all of the sudden... -You eject a cock!

I eject a cock.

[exhales sharply]

One more time.

[exhaling continues]

Good, now connect the dots.

Inhaling to the back, exhaling as you come front.

[exhaling]

-Yeah, good! -[women sighing]

[ululating]

Oh! Lost one.

[laughter]

To get women to exhale with sound,

to get women to make any sound

is a big accomplishment.

That's the one thing they all say.

"Oh, I'm not used to making sounds.

I don't make sounds."

Do you see how we, like, shut all this off?

Like we're afraid to make sound, we're afraid...

So all of our tools that lead us to ecstasy

we've kind of shut down and didn't allow.

And if you think about sexual energy

as a zero to a ten,

like zero being freezing, ten being boiling,

if every time you come together, you're starting at freezing,

it's going to take a really long time to get to boiling.

And so ideally you're constantly hanging out at this simmer,

like a five or a six and even a seven or an eight,

where the sexual energy is already high,

so that all it takes is a bit of a touch, a squeeze,

-a bit of a stroke. -Whoo!

And somebody's already very close,

because they're in this perpetual state,

the perpetual state of wantonness.

I think that I'm more aroused by a love scene,

explicit or not,

in a beautifully shot film than any porn I've ever seen.

So I wondered what would it be like to be exposed

to images and sounds that are not forced and faked,

debasing, dehumanizing women.

dismissing their right to explore profoundly

genuine pleasure?

What if we were to make an erotic film

that had the sensibility of a feature romance

with a real couple who'd been exposed

to the same journey of sexual awakening,

making love without a performance?

What would it be like

to witness her authentic arousal,

her sounds, her movements,

her expressions,

her vulnerability,

to see his utter devotion to her pleasure?

What would that look like?

[music]

When you are in trance,

you stop making critical judgments

and you have acceptable selective focus

'cause you have a direct experience.

So, G, when you know

that you have your eyelids totally relaxed,

just give them a little test so that I know.

That's right, now stop in relaxation,

deeper and deeper now...

The acceptable selective focus part is that

you're perfectly aware of everything that's going on

and, in fact, when you're in trance,

actually your sensory apparatus lights up.

And you're actually way more aware

of everything that's going on around you,

it's just that you don't care

because you're focused in on the person

who's leading you through the experience

because everything that person says, feels, does,

turns into your experience as well.

Whenever some old bad habit or some old way of thinking

pops up, you will hear my voice going, "G, stop it."

The reward that virtually all women have asked for

is they want to become fully orgasmic.

Why does orgasmic energy heal neurosis?

Because the lack of orgasmic energy

is what causes neurosis,

with that intense frustration, OK?

And you're seeking gratification desperately

in any way you can,

and a lot of it tends to be attention-getting behaviors,

which neuroses are.

All throughout mind and body, that's right.

It gets stronger. It takes you away.

That's right, your body wants this.

Your mind is ready for this.

Now stop.

Your desire to be free grows stronger.

Take a deep breath now.

Your eyes open, wide awake,

returning all the way back to the room.

And how are you doing?

OK.

OK, so tell me what happened.

-I'm not sure. -Mm-hmm.

-I think I went pretty deep. -Mm-hmm.

-I could feel the heat. -OK.

And then I could feel the desire.

Mm-hmm.

And then I just felt...

a release, but it wasn't quite the desired release

that I was going for.

No, that's OK. That's OK.

Whatever response you have is, in fact,

the perfect response for you at that time.

That's why you're having it.

[music]

Can you tell us what happens when somebody experiences

sexual abuse, especially children?

It taints or it skews the sexual experience going forward,

because it's got this other thing attached to it.

And I think that's where people can get stuck, right,

is doing years and years of talking therapy

and being like, "I know what happened.

You know, I've done all this work around it,

and yet I'm still feeling stuck."

The child might feel some arousal just from the fact

that they're being stimulated, but now that arousal

is coupled with this memory

of a violation, so those become married.

Those actually become neuropathways

that are established in the person.

So if it's not consensual, you can have

this incredible sexual energy opened up in a child

but her consciousness or his consciousness

is not capable of processing or integrating.

I think once a child is turned on sexually,

in that perverse manner, she's turned on.

Tell me a little bit about that.

Well, I...

I was sexually tampered with by my next-door neighbour

growing up.

How old were you?

I was 4.

And then, uh...

And then there was more abuse.

I was terribly confused and I felt dirty.

And so I would look for that kind of stimulus and...

What does that mean?

It means I became a masturbating machine.

From 4?

Yes. Oh, yeah.

It was just such a powerful emotion

to feel, uh... orgasmic...

that I would seek it out.

Do you make that wrong?

There was just such a stigma surrounding...

Even when my mother talked to me about the abuse,

it was in a whisper.

And if she caught me playing with myself,

it was, "That's not OK."

So I was always like, "Oh, fuck.

I have to do this really quietly."

It's the quiet thing about her.

And no one can hear me or see me,

or smell me.

You know, there was a sensory like vacuum.

That's when you started disconnecting from your body?

I would imagine so. It would make total sense.

How would you describe your sexual experiences now

as an adult?

[sighs]

Did anything happen in your body when I asked that question?

-Yeah. -What happens in your body?

[gags]

Just...

that same feeling of choking.

Do you think it's possible to heal sexual trauma

without working physically on the body?

I think that it's possible.

But I think that, because I hold the belief

that the body holds memory, emotion and trauma,

that needs to be released in some way.

We are constantly having to work

against the tension in our bodies,

and the more we know how to do that,

the more pleasure we can have.

You relax your lips and mouth and let the emotion flow.

Yeah, relax your mouth again, sweetie.

You gotta let it go, because if you don't, Gabrielle,

it lives in your body.

And the reason you can't feel your body

is 'cause she's frozen in muscular contraction.

You have to release it,

in order to rec-- [sighs]

That's the feminine.

Relax your-- yes!

It hurts.

Yes, it does hurt. Then let it go.

-Oh! -You have to release it, baby.

The pain of that-- Yes!

Put your hand on where it hurts.

Oh, yeah.

OK, release it.

Yeah.

[sighs]

[sighing]

I don't care if it's difficult.

[chuckling] I can tell.

A lot of people start their sex life with just sex.

Then they find out you're not compatible at all.

And then they find out they can't communicate

or negotiate, so you agree not to have intercourse

until you agree that you are

sexually and socially monogamous

and you're going to build the relationship.

It's about pacing, growing a relationship.

That's the organic bit.

If you can imagine that what you need is forgiveness

for all the times you said yes when you meant no.

God! How many times was that?

You have to learn to say no before you say yes.

That's the right way.

Know why you're choosing who you're choosing

to be intimate with.

There's a part of you that really wanted

to get your dad's attention, and he was busy

and you didn't get that.

And I'm wondering if you've used sexuality

as a means of getting men's attention.

Yeah.

And...

because of your need to feel needed,

you've allowed your boundaries to be crossed.

[exhales]

Squeeze, hold for a moment. Then exhale and bear down.

[exhaling]

OK, so when you breathe into your abdomen,

you're actually bringing blood supply, nutrients, oxygen,

down into your vaginal muscles

and activating your pelvic floor.

By doing that, you awaken your sex center.

So I like to visualize like I have roots

that grow down into the earth.

Pull forgiveness from the earth.

As if you could take a deep breath of forgiveness

from the bottom of your spine.

Imagine that the Mother Earth is giving it to you

and you let it fill your heart.

And I'm pulling up nutrients from the earth into my vulva.

And then, as I'm exhaling,

I'm releasing the stuff I don't want back into the earth.

And then you let that thread, on the exhale, of forgiveness,

come from your heart

and you send the energy into that chakra.

Hold for a moment.

And exhale.

[sighs]

Four-count inhale, four-count exhale.

And breathe deeply into your belly.

[music]

Do you think that then we're still expecting

"them" to be responsible for our state,

for our capacity to let go?

That's where I've been my whole adult life

is, "Why can't you make me come? What's wrong with you?"

People who found it bizarrely difficult to talk about sex

were the people having it while they were actually having it.

Because you're terrified that if you say anything at all

about what is going on,

you will hurt the other person's feelings,

you'll put them off you, you'll derail the encounter.

You'll derail the entire relationship.

I've successfully done all of those things during sex.

-How about you? -No.

But at the same time, you want to please your partner,

so you'll seize your cues from anywhere you can,

If the only cues were from porn, those are the ones you'll take.

The problem is, most women know,

"I don't know what I want you to do.

I just know that I don't want what you're doing."

And so how do you then begin the conversation

and be experimental with each other,

so that you both get to win?

Love-making becomes very awkward suddenly,

even with a partner who you've been with for a long time,

and you have tremendous trust and obviously have,

you know, profound feelings for,

you have to take a step back and say,

"OK, I'm not going to do this the way I've been doing it."

We're talking about an entire reinvention of sex

as we know it.

[music]

What would be beautiful is if each partner

was ready to be curious

and available to make discovery about the other,

rather than assuming we already know

everything there is to know.

I can totally empathize with how enormously hard it is

to have that conversation,

because I will sleep with a young guy

and I'll go, "OK, this has got to be addressed."

Now, do I have this conversation or not?

Because the moment I begin it,

the entire dynamic is gonna change.

Then I'll go, no, I have to do this

for every other woman he will ever sleep with.

And, by the way, we all have to do that.

I have never, ever, ever faked an orgasm in my entire life.

I have.

No one teaches you to fake. You just know.

It's like, "Oh, my God, is he ever gonna stop?

OK, I'm gonna come now. Here I go."

That's what we were taught when I was a young woman.

It's good manners.

Ooooh!

In my youth, to say that you did not have orgasms in coitus

was to admit to a defect.

I felt like that: for most of my life

I couldn't have vaginal orgasms.

-I felt defective. -Yeah.

I realize now, in retrospect, that I was faking everything.

And I'm not just talking about this fabulous faked orgasm,

which I have down, by the way.

I'm talking about...

faking my desire.

Hmm.

Faking...

the desire for my partner.

So what do you get from faking your desire?

[Gabrielle] Their desire.

And if you evoke their desire, how does that make you feel?

Desirable.

I think now I would rather be real and undesirable

than fake and hot.

[music]

Do you think that women know what they're doing

when it comes to satisfying a man orally?

Uh, all that matters to me is

the one that does it to me does it right.

It's OK to love sucking cock.

If you have to put a banana in your mouth for 15 minutes

and enthusiastically suck it and choke on it,

after three minutes, would you still be enthusiastic

about sucking on this big banana?

I do have an answer for that.

Uh-huh-uh-huh. Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh.

It's big, it's messy, 20 things happen.

You don't know when it's going to like squirt at you.

So...

So I decided, I'm going to fall in love with the penis.

Women! We must not be embarrassed like this.

Must give better head!

Women love to give blow jobs

because they like to see the guy helplessly entranced,

his eyes rolling back.

I was thinking, couldn't lingams be very useful

in opening a woman's throat chakra?

Yes, yes.

[Catherine snorts]

Almost all women

have lost the capacity to really enjoy

all of the exquisite feelings of the throat.

The throat is directly connected to the vagina.

Even to the point that when a woman is truly connected,

when her vagina contracts, so does her throat.

Often, what is slow or soft or gentle to a man

is still too fast for us.

Because a man doesn't have the wiring yet

to go that slow and that gently

and still think that anything's going to happen.

The thing I have to say most often in bed is, "Slower."

Yes.

That is a function of porn culture,

because men get the impression it's all about the jackhammer.

Vrrrr! You know.

The second thing I have to say is,

"Don't touch me down there

until I'm begging you to touch me down there."

[both] Yes!

Wiring, it's an erotic blueprint that happens from,

I believe from birth.

It's based on your biochemistry, your hormonal makeup.

It's based on your history growing up.

So if you touch someone who's energetically wired

on their genitals before they're fully ignited,

it short-circuits them.

So they need to be ignited through like not touching.

I'm energetically wired, so, for example,

for many years, I didn't understand myself.

I was like, something's wrong with me.

I need to heal something.

I kept thinking, I'm broken, as opposed to thinking,

no, I'm just wired and these are my needs

before I can get sexual.

Catherine, for example, is energetically wired,

so for her, Casper, if he spends more time

sort of on the outskirts of her,

that's where she's going to go into her sensual self,

whereas very few women are sexually wired

where it's like, let's go straight for the kill.

So you speak energy, she speaks sensuality.

Oooh!

And together we make quite a team.

[laughter]

There are layers to touch, so here's the first layer.

Do this, Catherine, start way out here.

This is like going directly to your clitoris.

[laughter]

[Catherine] I said I was one giant clitoris.

I did, I already said it.

[Catherine inhales]

Breathe... [sighs]

Allow yourself the deliciousness of all of this

before you even get to the elbow.

Like go so slow.

But why is it that I want my lover to do this to me?

Well, because you're sensation-wired.

-And why can't he? -Because he's sexually wired.

It's not that he can't,

it's just that he doesn't know how to.

As a man, first of all, you touch me,

I know you touched me.

If you do it too light, it's like...

it almost irritates me.

This is one of the downsides of a woman

trying to do to a man what a man does to her.

You're two different people.

Pleasure comes in all forms.

But we tend to have a go-to expression.

Right? Because we have a natural flavour.

She's a cool blonde, you're a hot brunette.

A man's relationship to women and sexuality

is like a woman's relationship to shoes and clothing.

Your men are doomed to walking into a clothing store

where every item is the same color and the same cut.

If you're always brunette,

it's like he has to eat pizza every day

and wear the same clothes day and night.

The impulse for variety in us will never go away.

If we could have one outfit for the rest of our lives,

we'd kill ourselves.

When we first met, I would go straight from the set

to his restaurant, and I'd still be in costume.

[music]

You're right, the way he reacted to me

was as though I was a different woman each time.

[woman] Yes, because you were.

I was, right, and now that I'm wrapped with the show,

I wouldn't possibly wear those outfits, I'm dull.

-You're a pizza every evening. -I'm the pizza.

Most of us have learned to become this tiny little sliver.

Because I thought that's how

you hold onto your integrity sexually, but that's not true.

Your partner looks at someone and there's sexual attraction.

And I think it's funny 'cause some people still act shocked.

They're like, "Oh, my God, if you really loved me,

you wouldn't be looking at so-and-so."

I say that all the time. Busted.

"If you really loved me, you wouldn't look at her ass."

Well, that's ridiculous because we're animals.

Instead of, "I can't believe you're looking

at this other dude," it's like, you know,

"What is it about this attraction

that we can apply to our connection?

What is it about him that you're finding appealing

that might be missing with us."

If anything, I feel nervous about being vulnerable,

you know, to someone like that emotionally

and digging deep into some trauma that may be in me,

but mostly just excited about that, too.

You have a lot of innocence and yearning and hope, right?

Bring it to me, yeah. Bring it...

Bring it into your body. Yes!

Keep looking at me, though. Yeah.

When you close right now, it's easier,

and I'm gonna make it harder for you.

-Thanks. -Yeah.

Now, find pleasure right there.

[sighs]

-There you go. -Oh, it's so painful.

You gotta let it go, yeah. You can sob it.

And I'll hold you if you want me to.

Let it go.

Yeah, sob it. Yeah, sob it.

Sob it. You're not making any noise.

-[Gabrielle sighs] -Let it go.

-[sobbing] -Let it go.

Let it go.

That's it, more. Feel I'm touching, right here.

Let it go here, yes. Now here.

[Gabrielle sighs]

Did you feel the places I touched on your body

and all of the sudden it melted into your feminine?

That's your feminine.

Hmm-mm.

Enjoy the sensuality of tears.

[sighs]

Now do a little sensation.

Touch your face, and just notice how that feels

while you're doing that.

Good. What are you aware of?

When you're ready to talk.

What do you notice in your body?

Oh, me?

I'm pointing at you because she was lost.

Did you notice, she was completely lost

in just the sensation of her arm.

Yeah, I was realizing that my body

is, in fact, attached to my head.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, they are connected after all.

It's so beautiful for me to witness someone

who feels dissociated from their body,

who feels unsafe, to gradually come into the experience

of their body safely and to be able

to open themselves to intimacy,

knowing that they're fully centered,

they're able to be and stay in their body.

In my old thinking, an orgasm has to happen to me.

But it is something that I have to do for myself.

But I never understood that.

Because you have all these tactile receptors,

if I know how to activate them all,

you take off.

I could actually bring you to orgasm and never touch you.

I feel excited.

As a man comes to understand energetic love making,

he realizes that he makes contact

with the woman

long before he ever physically touches her.

And that becomes the basis

of his ability to make love to her 24/7.

So just to start out, I'm just gonna...

gently come in and make contact with her body.

When I was waving my hand over her,

I had already made contact with her energy field.

So the body is like

the gross level of her.

And the energy field out here is like the subtle level of her.

So I was making contact with the subtle layer of her energy.

And as I'm moving my hand,

I'm actually moving that layer of energy.

So she feels me waving back and forth

in that layer of energy in her field.

Actually making love to her without...

direct contact at first.

And then at a certain point, her body starts to take on

the natural undulating wave that energy has.

So then at that point, I can just

dance with her, play with her, stay in tune with her,

and she just kind of rides the wave of her own energy.

Let's be aroused by the entire body.

But then let's actually be aroused

by everything about my partner.

It's about the utter, unique specificity

of me meeting you

and me receiving all of you, everything.

Your entire childhood, all of your pain,

your brokenness, right?

Everything that went wrong, taking it into my body,

receiving it, transforming it, opening it.

Fucking it open and giving you everything that I am,

all of my ecstasy and all of my joy,

and the passion of my life and my brokenness

and everything that is me.

And I'm giving it to you and saying, "Fuck me open."

[music]

[Gabrielle] So, here's the crazy thing.

A, it's really really, really, really sad

that it's so hard to get to this place.

And B, once you've been there, you...

everything changes because you can't go back.

It's so hard making that transition

so that you can surrender enough to experience your femininity.

The minute you're with a man and they're giving you the thing

that they know you want that you didn't even know that you want,

they become immediately trustworthy.

[woman moaning]

And suddenly that man becomes a god.

[woman moaning]

Your body has been having to listen to your mind.

Your mind has been telling your body

what it is, what it's capable of,

what it's not capable of,

and...

so...

I had to work through my body not listening to my mind.

I have a secret, I know the secret.

And I am the secret.

But ironically, we all have the same secret.

Yes.

That emotional breakthrough was amazing!

[screeches]

Celebrate!

-What?! -[laughter]

There you go, let your head go, let your head go.

Yes!

[chuckles]

OK, baby, that was gorgeous.

So, Nityama was doing

I guess what would be considered a couple's session,

and what happened was extraordinary.

And Shareef was able to be responsible

for sending me into this place of

what I could describe as bliss, just pure bliss.

At a certain point, Shareef had his hand

under my left shoulder

and Nityama had his hand under my right.

And it felt like I was being nurtured, by men,

which is very rare.

And then I felt this...

this connection coming from my left,

which is where Shareef was.

I felt this sudden deep connection

just for a second.

And then all of a sudden, his fingertips

went like this along my throat,

and I...

lost it.

I mean, literally lost it

I lost all sense of restraint and judgement...

and I just went into this extraordinary

full-body experience where I felt

nothing but self-love just pouring into my body,

all around my genitals and down into my beautiful thighs,

and there was no cellulite involved whatsoever.

Down into my gorgeous legs and my fucking amazing feet,

and all the way back into my flat beautiful six-pack.

[chuckles]

This was my experience.

You know, into these beautiful bodacious breasts

and these fabulous petals of nipples

and into my neck and my arms, my capable brilliant hands

and into my mind that was just this flowing lotus flower.

I mean, I was just in this place of like pure self-love.

And I was so excited that I was able to do it,

which was spurring it on even more.

I was just like, "Here we are, here we are!

It does work, it does work! I am perfect!

I'm not flawed."

[music]

[man] In all of us there's a virgin,

and the virgin means integrity.

Do you think that that part is inside each of us

and cannot be perpetrated?

[man] It cannot be.

That's the piece that I connected with,

that, for the first time in my life, I felt

what it was like to feel perfect.

Me too.

Rolling.

Look at the light bouncing off.

The light bouncing off his hat?

You can kind of see everything more in-depth.