Original subtitles

Love, Mark.

Oh, Palindrome.

What's wrong?

Nothing much. The head's a little disturbed. I sent a commander off in the

direction. That doesn't sound so terrible.

He's been heading in that direction for seven years.

Oh, that's not good.

No. And I ordered a million wrong helmets.

I forgot Romulans have noses on the back of their heads.

Mark, the head wants to give you an assignment.

Is it adventure, Palindrome?

You're gonna love it.

Commander Quark, the starship Velcro has just traveled for 27 years in

order to become our ally.

Their leaders must understand that the United Galaxy strives to preserve peace

and goodwill. I'm going to be a goodwill ambassador. And so, Quark, after 27

years, their garbage hatch is filled to the brim. Pick it up.

The galaxy ad infinitum.

It's garbage again.

Star note.

Garbage. The final frontier.

But no matter what our task, I know my able and loyal crew will approach the

assignment with their usual efficiency and determination.

I hate this mission.

Gene! It's a piece of space fluff.

I'm telling you, Commander, I gotta break me some heads, get me some

crush some slime people.

Well, we all have to keep busy, Gene.

alien ship Starbird.

We're nowhere near the Velcro yet.

Make contact. Have them identify themselves.

Commander, they've jammed our signals and are speeding away from us. Sounds

they've got something to hide.

Well, let's go get them, Commander. I'll decide that, Gene. Ficus, which

regulation do you think applies in this situation?

A United Galaxy commander may elect to board and search any vessel not

responding to an inquiry.

Bettys, let's go get them. We'll catch them, Commander.

Way to go, little space buddy.

Little space buddy?

We're catching them. We'll teach those guys a lesson they'll never forget.

Right, Commander?

Sure, Gene. Ficus, have you got a reading on that ship yet? It appears

approximately 20 times bigger than we are, have six photon death rays, and a

deflector shield which our weapons cannot penetrate.

Our weapons cannot penetrate? Sir, we couldn't interrupt a small dinner party

that ship.

Bettys, turn the ship around.

Commander, I thought you said we were going to teach them a lesson. I think

they've learned their lesson, Gene.

Bettys, turn it around.

Commander, we have a problem. They're turning around, too.

They're turning around?

You mean they're chasing us?

Ficus, who are they?

Well, Commander, there are three possibilities.

Either they are the dreaded Gorgons, in which case we'll probably all be killed,

or they're the allies of the dreaded Gorgons. Ficus, I don't have time for

lists. In which case we'll probably also be killed. Ficus, what you're saying is

that all possibilities end in our death.

Bettys. Contact Perma One.

We can't. They've jammed our controls.

Commander, we've been captured and they've got us in their tractor beam and

they're taking us aboard their ship.

We're prisoners. That was my next possibility, Commander.

Darnoad, I have been captured by Zorgon the Malevolent, the most vicious Gorgon

space pirate and half -brother to the High Gorgon himself.

Garbage is beginning to look good.

Gorgons. Commander, can we talk? Not now, Gene. All right.

What have you got to say for yourselves?

We give up. Who is the commander who dared chase Zorgon the Malevolent? He

Gene, I'll handle this.

I'm a commander first class in the United Galaxy Starfleet. I didn't know

a new shipment of prisoners.

Beauty is to the soul, as rain is to the trees.

And rain is to the trees as beauty is to the soul.

Yeah. I am a commander first class in the United Galaxy Starfleet. I signaled

your ship to identify yourself. You did not.

I am willing to grovel.

What is it that they should call you?

I'm Ficus Panderata.

I am a vegeton.

You certainly are.

As I was saying, it was my duty to check on you myself.

I demand the release of my crew and my ship under Article 5, Section 7 of the

United Agreed Statutes. You dare demand of me? Throw these people in the prison

chamber. Prison?

Never. I'd rather die.

Gene, you'd rather die. Yeah, we all would.

Gene, don't help.

No Gorgon's gonna throw me in prison. Anyone who tries, I'll rip his kneecaps

off.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.

Violence is not the answer to man's problems.

That man confuses me. Kill him. No, wait, please. You don't understand.

She's a transmute. I promise if you spare his life, she won't bother you

anymore.

Emperors are gone.

Emperors are gone. Emperors are gone. Can I be on your side? Daddy, spare the

transmute. I don't want to upset the vegeton.

Oh, very well. I never can refuse my daughter.

For now, libido.

Clark, you'll remain here.

Take the others to the prison chambers.

Thank you. I think you'll find I relate well in group situations.

Yes, yes, I'll sign it, Max. Believe me, I'll sign it. Okay.

What?

No, Dink, don't be silly. Everybody can't be six feet tall.

Going bald?

Oh, believe me, you're not even thinning.

Look, Dink, if it's about your emotional trauma, I don't want to hear about it.

The head almost fired me just now.

What?

Quark has disappeared.

We can't disappear. We've got the finest technology in the galaxy.

Now, listen.

If the head finds out about this, we could be back in the mines faster than

greased quasi -north.

What do you mean you don't know?

Will you just go find Quark, please?

Will you just go find him? Come on, move out there.

Move along.

Fork, where are you?

Star note.

Wow.

We spend many evenings this way.

My daughter means more to me than anything else in the universe.

Except, of course, the universe itself.

Is this a surprise to you? No, no.

She had to get that rhythm from someone.

Look, Sorgon, I don't see any reason for my crew and me to be delayed any

further. Quark!

like Hugh Quark.

People like to gossip.

They don't know the real Emperor Zorgon.

Ask me what my dream is. Ask me.

What's your dream?

To be absolute dictator of the entire universe.

What? Did you say I was mad? No. Yeah. No.

You're very goal -oriented.

You know what the others say?

They say that I dwell too much on torture and murder. They say that I kill

the joy of it. They say I wipe out whole civilizations at the touch of a button.

Are they right?

Oh, yes.

Darn it.

Whoever they are, they know what they're talking about.

We gotta get out of this pit. I'm telling you, I can't take it anymore.

I just...

It would appear the walls are closing in upon us. Hey, I don't want to be

crushed. Being crushed is bad for my future.

Ficus, we've got to do something. I'm telling you, when we... You don't care,

you? You never really care, do you?

Interesting you should ask that, Gene.

You see, as a vegeton, I remain cool and crisp even while being crushed by

walls. Yeah, well, you ain't going to remain cool and crisp if they turn you

into a salad. Come on, Eddie. My life is flashing before me.

I'd love to see a beautiful meteor shower.

The moons rising over Nova.

The lovely rainbow hues of the rings around Felix.

Zorgon, I demand the immediate release of my ship.

I like you, Quark.

You remind me a lot of me when I was your age.

Now, you tell me where it is, and I'll let you go.

Where what is? I can play games too, Quark.

Where is it? It?

Perhaps this will refresh your memory.

What are you doing?

Where is it? Where is what?

It. It?

It. What is it?

I once sent you to fetch it, didn't I?

You're an undercover agent.

I'm on a garbage run.

You lie. You're an agent. Where is it?

You've got to stop those walls.

For the last time, Quark, where is it?

I swear, I don't have any idea what it is.

Stop it. Turn off your walls.

Will you tell me where it is? I'll tell. Very well, then.

Where is it? It.

It is on Asteroid Rumbar.

Asteroid Rumbar.

Are you sure?

Believe me, it's there. Because if it isn't quark, you shall die.

Six hours.

Zorgon wants me with him when we land. When he sees I've been bluffing, I'll be

killed. We'll all be killed.

Oh, but... Don't swear, Andy. Sir, I just had a thought.

If we were to rechannel the Sumner valves with the Octio Sumner set...

Ficus, spit it out.

Spitting it out, sir, Andy could blow open that door.

Sure. Andy's got enough power in his control box here.

And if Ficus is right, we could blast that door into billions of face bags.

Of course, if he's wrong... Gene, please finish that statement.

I don't recall a vote being taken on this.

Gene, finish your statement.

I'm surrounded by assassins. Are you ready, Gene?

Ready, Commander. I'm not ready. I'm filled with doubt and fear.

Okay. Let her go.

Gene, as a personal favor, I would like a blindfold.

That should do it. Does this mean I'm not dead?

Betty, check the hall.

Guard, Commander!

We'll have to fight Jean.

Actually, I'm not into this macho role -playing, Commander. Don't do this to me

now. I need your mail side.

Many times what we think we need is not really what is best.

You know, that's true, Commander. Many times our subconscious has a vikish.

Gene, Andy, get back to the ship.

Contact Palindrome. Tell him we've been captured by Zorgon and we need his help.

Communication, help.

Those are the sides of the military I feel most in tune with.

Go, go, run, run.

Andy, let's go.

And last, a plan I like, running.

Sorry.

Take him back to the prison chamber.

Gene and Andy should have gotten through by now, don't you think?

Sir, Gene and Andy together would be lucky to be able to tie a bow.

I highly recommend you get in a new plan.

I've got an idea, Adam. What is it, Betty? The Empress Libido is in love

Ficus. Maybe she'd help him.

That's a very good thought, Betty.

Thank you.

You're welcome, Betty.

What makes you think the Empress is in love with me? We can tell.

Are you saying that the Empress Libido is manifesting that condition that you

animals refer to as romantic affection, that initial visual perception?

Yes, Ficus.

Love at first sight. It's worth a shot.

Guard!

Tell Empress Libido that Mr. Panderata would like an audience with her.

Ficus, when Zorgon calls me to his bridge to witness the landing on

Rhumbar, I could capture him and use him as a hostage to make our escape.

What you have to do is get Empress Libido to leave a gamma gun for me under

Zorgon's throne.

Why would the Empress help you capture her own father?

She will if you ask her at the right moment.

Will she tell me when that moment has arrived?

Not in so many words.

In how many words exactly?

Ficus.

We'll show you.

I, uh... I think one of you will be enough for this demonstration.

Try it with Betty.

Now, after a while, libido will start repeating your name over and over again.

Adam Ficus.

Adam Ficus. Adam Ficus. Adam Ficus. Then... Okay.

Then her breathing will become irregular.

When all this happens, you ask her for the gun.

When all this happens, shouldn't I call the doctor?

No, Finkus.

It's all very normal.

It's how we humans love.

And Finkus, bring her flowers for her gown.

Bring her flowers?

That would be a sin.

A sin?

But flowers are so romantic.

To you, they are romantic.

To a vegeton, a flower is a blood brother.

Why, my pinning a flower to a woman's gown would be like you strapping a lamb

chop to your dress.

Starnut, ficus has a strange way of putting things.

Why did I have to be chained to you?

Believe me, this is not my idea of making whoopee.

Someone's coming. Come on, in here.

The Empress Levita requests the presence of Mr. Ponderata.

Ficus, I don't want the Bettys to hear this, but when you're with Libido, keep

repeating, yes, of course, I'll respect you in the morning. Yes, of course. Yes,

of course, I'll respect you in the morning.

Ficus, remember.

Our lives are in your hands.

Yeah, of course. I'll respect you every morning.

Commander, grammatically speaking, shouldn't the verb respect in a star

Hopefully, there is life after death before the object of your purpose.

Dean, saying to you is not my way of planning for a bright future.

Ah, Professor Markoff, you're late.

I've been looking for you.

Shall we go to the lecture room? We've all been looking forward to your speech

on the care and operation of it.

Ah, yes.

My speech, of course.

Speech. This should be a very interesting speech.

Nerd. Right this way.

Like it.

Do you love me?

No, but I will respect you in the morning.

You're the most nowhere man I've ever met.

You just don't have anything.

Thank you.

Libido, you must help us. The commander must have a gamma gun left under your

father's throne.

Now, before we reach Asteroid Lumbar... Ficus, I just kissed you.

Didn't you feel anything?

Yes. I felt the application of your epidermis upon my own, then a slight

pressure accompanied by a rise in temperature.

Kandarata, you're supposed to feel something special.

Oh.

Libido, this is where we're going to have a problem.

You see, where I come from, we don't kiss. We pollinate.

Pollinate?

Can I do that? Watch what I do and repeat after me.

Watch carefully and listen.

Can you do that?

Move over.

I think so.

Is this what you vegetones find pleasurable?

It would appear so.

What do we do now?

We wait for the bee.

The bee -o!

What's going on here? What are you doing? We were pollinating, sir.

Seize him! And you, get up off that floor.

I'm just glad your mother isn't alive to see this.

Place him on the rack.

Oh, no!

Oh, I love him.

But he's a vegeton. But, Daddy, this is year 2226.

I don't care what year it is. Take him away.

Even if Gene and Andy don't get through, there's always libido and ficus.

I'm sure the gun will be underneath the throne.

Besides, Palindrome probably has a squadron of starships combing the galaxy

us right now. I have just talked to the commander of the goodwill ship, Belcro.

He says he is no longer filled with goodwill.

He is filled with garbage.

Garbage? Oh, sir, I've always enjoyed your sense of humor. Such wit, such

brilliance. Where is Quark?

Oh, well, sir... We've been trying to get to you. It seems Quark has, uh,

disappeared.

Disappeared? Palindrome, you are suspended until you find Quark. Am I

with or without privileges?

In other words, can I get to keep my life support unit, my long -distance

telescreens, et cetera, or am I cut off altogether?

Oh, well, well, we'll talk about it later.

Oh, I wish I was dead.

Two minutes to landing, Your Highness.

Two minutes to landing!

Did you hear that, Quark?

Yes. I believe in you, Quark.

If you say that it is there, I have every faith in your judgment.

Of course, if it's not there, I'll have to kill you.

You understand my position, don't you? Of course.

A man who has traveled from very far away...

at great expense, to explain the inner workings of it.

A man who needs no introduction, Professor Markov.

There's no way out. We're goners.

Professor, they're all yours.

Thank you. Thank you.

I suppose what you all really want to hear about is it.

Well, the first thing I should discuss with you is the spelling of it.

I'd spell it I -T.

You are dying.

Look at the tiller screen, Cork.

Why are you doing that again?

Touchdown, minus 15 seconds.

It had better be there, Cork.

Did Ficus get the gamma gun?

Let me see.

Not so fast, Dorgon.

Oh? Why not?

Why not?

Why not?

Why not?

Because I think you'll learn to live a little longer if you, uh, you know, take

life, uh, slower.

That's, that's, that's right.

Well, thank you very much, Quark, for your concern, but I'm in excellent

I see you found my music box.

It's brought me so much joy.

Put it down.

Starnote, Ficus did not get the gamma gun.

My life is over. I've enjoyed it.

Are all conditions according to legend?

The equinox is fast approaching.

The constellation Lupi is aligned with Delor, and the planet Pupu is rising.

Congratulations, Quark. It's here.

It is?

Are you sure?

Yes, just as you said it would be.

Starnut, I don't even know what it is.

Now that I have it, all the galaxy will cower at my feet. The Gorgons will rule

over all the planets.

We will destroy the head in Perma -1 and replace them with the rule of the High

Gorgon. And, Quark, it's all because of you.