Original subtitles

The dinner was to your satisfaction, no?

Well, to be honest, I didn't care.

Everything was delicious.

He did eat all his frog legs.

You know, I especially liked the crunchy parts.

You ate the knees?

This must be your first visit to Maison Hubert.

Is this a special occasion?

It's our 19th anniversary.

The 19th? It cannot be.

Why, you must have snatched him right from the cradle.

Excusez -moi.

Happy anniversary, honey.

Oh.

That is some ornate object there.

I designed it myself.

Go ahead, try it on.

Which ear does it go on?

It's a tie clip.

Oh, oh, right.

Oh,

yeah.

That's better. You know, it fits in everything.

Happy anniversary.

Oh, thank you, honey.

I'm so glad it's not another flat box.

The last thing I need is another yellow scarf.

They were out of flat boxes.

Dick, we've been married 19 years, and you've given me 19 yellow scarves. No,

20. I gave you one on the night you proposed.

Now, scarf giving is an old Loudon tradition.

It started, oh, about 20 years ago.

Just about the same time you started smoking those smelly cigars after every

anniversary dinner.

You know, this is also Hubert's anniversary.

There's a Mrs.

Hubert? In a sense.

Do you know what is the dream of every little French boy?

To dance the can -can with Jerry Lewis.

That goes without saying.

It is also the dream to own a chichi gourmet restaurant in a small village in

Vermont.

She has been so good to me these ten years. So giving, so very like a woman.

Well, Hubert, congratulations to you and her.

Every year, the busboys make a petit surprise for Hubert.

And every year, I act surprised.

How's this?

I wouldn't change a thing.

Surprise!

What?

Where are you going?

To the bathroom.

Another old Latin tradition.

Did Stephanie's flight get off on time?

Well, there was an hour delay.

Engine trouble? No, it took the ground crew that long to pry me off the landing

gear.

Why did she leave me?

Michael, she just went to Newport to see her folks. She'll be back in a few

days. How can you be so sure?

She only took a dozen suitcases.

You're right, and there's a steamer trunk among them.

Hallelujah, my honeys are coming home.

How horrible.

Okay, so my Jolson's a little rusty.

I'm not talking about you, Michael.

Maison Hubert burned down last night.

What? They think it was a grease fire in the kitchen.

Anyone hurt? I'm devastated.

I'm Larry, this is my brother Daryl, and this is my other brother Daryl.

What's with the limp salute?

Is Daryl mourning the demise of Maison Hubert?

Oui.

But he also has a far more personal problem.

And that is?

He wants fat lips.

Get in line.

After years of watching the ladies at the Department of Motor Vehicles flock

the full and voluptuous lips of Daryl, Daryl here has begun to

question the effectiveness of his own puny pair.

They look fine to me.

Would you like them firmly pressed against your own?

No.

Then you can see Daryl's predicament. Fellas, being the possessor of

puckers, let me offer you a little lip service.

Collagen injections.

The new age cure for the kissing impaired.

It was good enough for Cannes Film Festival award winner Barbara Hershey.

It's your call, you liplessness.

Then let the injections begin.

See you boys in Cannes.

night to be a volunteer fireman, huh, George? They're not paying me enough for

this kind of hell.

Thanks for the scarf, Joe, and I've been... I've been sweating like a pig.

Understandably, I mean, you've been battling a towering inferno wielding

mighty axe.

Oh, I didn't do any wielding. I just took donuts to the other firemen.

That's putting it on the line. It is when the lead hose man wants honey buns

every 15 minutes.

The paper said it was a grease fire in the kitchen.

No, although that would have worked, too.

Turns out some careless smoker tossed a lit cigar into the trash bin in the

men's room.

The chief is fairly sure the culprit is a man.

Dick, you went to the men's room, you smoked that cigar, and you burned down

Maison Hubert.

Joanna, you can't go around accusing people with nothing more than

evidence.

Land of Goshen, you turned our four -star bistro into a four -alarm flambé.

Well, Dick, you have to tell Hubert that you destroyed his life.

I'd rather not.

One moment, I have everything.

The next, poof, all gone.

Except this espresso maker I rescue as I knock the busboys out of my way.

Did I tell you how much I enjoyed dinner last night?

The firemen, they were so brave. They almost saved the kitchen.

But some fool keep pestering them with his pastries.

I'm sure, you know, the insurance covers everything.

Oh, of course, I can rebuild, but sequels, they're never as good.

Remember Arthur II on the rocks?

Yeah, but then how about Police Academy 6? You know, I thought Bubba Smith gave

the performance of his life.

True, true, but without the dynamic Steve Guttenberg, the film was just so

fluff.

All right, I'll give you that. On the other hand, the writing... Derek!

Didn't you have something else to discuss with Hubert?

Oh, right, right.

Oh, and by the way, feel free, you know, to stay here for a couple days until

the shock wears off and you're ready to go back home. See, you are too generous

to Hubert.

My eyes, they must weep.

Here.

Keep it.

Thank God for my friends.

Thank God for America.

But most of all, thank God for Dick Rodin.

I, um... I burnt down your restaurant.

Pardon?

I was smoking a cigar in the men's room.

You did this to me.

Hubert, are you okay?

But of course.

In front, you know, we have this thing, C 'est la vie, that's life.

That's what all the people say.

Riding high in April, burnt down in there.

Hubert, isn't there anything we can do for you?

Perhaps some coffee?

Oh, Rochelle.

Her espresso is so full -bodied.

Be gentle with her.

And after, she'd like to have her filter bathed with warm, soapy water and a

little spigot wiped with a damp washcloth.

I'll let you do that.

Well, I must say, you're taking this very well.

In France, we have another saying.

L 'homme qui a senti ma maison dormira avec le fromage.

I don't.

I don't understand French.

I translate. The man who burned down my house, he sleep with the cheeses.

I don't even understand it in English.

Where does the cheese part come in?

I explain.

There is no escape from the cheese.

Run to Holland, there is Gouda.

Run to Greece, there is Feta.

Climb a beanstalk, there is Jack.

I'm afraid you lost me in Greece.

I will have my revenge, good friend.

You will not know where and you will not know how.

But as long as there is a hair on the side of my head, I will get you, Dick

Lowdown.

I will get you!

Well, what?

What do you mean, get me? You know, what happened to Sailor V?

You think you can burn down Meso Hubert and not to pay the piper?

I said I was sorry.

Oh, you're sorry? Oh, well, then everything is magnifique. Let's go down

see.

En garde, monsieur.

My reign of terror, it now begins.

Well, Rochelle is eating up.

I was just telling Monsieur that when the firemen arrive, I put them in the no

-smoking section.

Is he a riot?

Yeah, he's killing me.

But I am so weary, I must rest to rebuild my strength.

Well, Hubert, you take the third room on the left, and I'll bring your espresso

right up.

You are too swell.

You and the monsieur.

Ah, see my croissant, they go over like the hot cake.

Oh, Hubert, couldn't you just stay here and take care of us forever and ever?

Please.

No, no, I'm sure Hubert is a very busy man. He has other innkeepers to

terrorize.

I'm sure you know how to tickle the armpit of a bear.

No, no, no, no, no.

This one is not for you.

My boo -boo.

The one with the black olive was made especially for you.

I, uh... I hate our... It has to have its purpose.

Please, enjoy.

Does arsenic smell like spinach?

Dick, this morbid death wish of yours is putting a crimp in my croissant.

Let's settle this once and for all, huh?

Hubert, did you poison Dick's omelette?

But you are too clever.

Oui, I poisoned Mr. Dick's omelette.

And I present your omelet and yours and yours and yours and yours. All the

omelets are pointed. Run for your life.

Run for your life.

You see, Dick, he was using sarcasm to make a point.

I guess it was too subtle for me, George.

Well, Super Mikey's off to the supermarket.

You play, Super Mickey.

Some item for tonight's dinner.

Endive, asparagus, radicchio, capers, rat poison, croutons. We don't have any

rats around here. Au contraire.

Last night I saw a big one crawling into your room.

And that rat must be punished.

But he's not a bad rat.

He only smoked one cigar.

He's still peddling his paranoid act.

I'm at my wit's end.

Attention, attention.

Tonight, a special treat.

Rot poison in a salami suave. Please dress accordingly.

What a madcap chap.

I do so admire that.

Hi, Jojo. Hi, Michael. Morning, everybody.

Morning. So long, Joanna. Where are you going?

I'm going to drive over to Danny's diner and have some food that's not poisoned.

Well, don't worry about your brakes. They're fine now.

My brakes were fine before.

Hubert didn't think so.

He was afraid they might give out rounding Johnny Cake curves.

What a lovely guy.

I'm not sure I could wake up at 3 a .m. to fix Dick's brakes.

I'm going to go upstairs and suck up some toothpaste.

See you later, honey.

Where are you going?

To the mall. I'm going to return the yellow... Never mind.

Well, maybe I'll tag along. I only say that because there's a deranged

here who wants to kill me.

Bye -bye, Dick.

Don't be surprised... if you find me filled, filled with holes like a, like a

hunk of Swiss.

See you later, Dick. Hey, hey, buddy, what's up?

You bear gave me ten dollars to go to have a drink, eat dinner, and see a

You always, always were a cheap, cheap date.

Thanks.

You know, I wouldn't mind seeing a movie.

I'd ask you to come along, but you've already seen Police Academy, say.

Yeah, but that's the one movie that I could see over and over again.

Sorry, Dick, I need a little time away from you.

Bonjour.

Did the handyman go bye -bye?

Yes, but if you want him, I can run like the wind and catch his touch. No,

brother.

I wait till he return to give him this.

I need him to sharpen it. It's so dull, it will not even cut through bone.

Am I glad to see a familiar... A

pricey specialist forced Daryl to cut his

dream in half.

We should have picked our own doctor and not listened to Ivana Trump.

Why don't you guys stay here and tell me the whole story, even if it means, you

know, starting with your birth.

Another time, perhaps. We just stopped by to get a reaction to Daryl's lip from

the gentler sex.

Is Miss Joanna available for a quick swoon? No, she's at the mall.

Come on, Daryl. Let's go see if your lip gets a rise out in babes at the DMV.

I just had the uncontrollable urge to run around the house and come into the

front door.

Well, now that I've got my coat on, I think I'll go upstairs

and take a nap.

You sleep on the left side?

Why do you ask?

Oh, no particular reason.

Look, I...

I can't take this anymore. I burnt down your restaurant and I deserve to be

punished. But this waiting is driving me crazy.

If you're going to do something, do it and get it over with.

You seem uncomfortable.

Yes. And frightened?

Yes. You find it difficult to breathe?

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, I get you.

Huh? I said I would get you and I get you. I get you good.

How did you get me?

You don't eat, you don't sleep for one whole day. I'll make your entire life

miserable.

Then you're not trying to kill me. If I want to kill you, I'll make you eat

German food.

That's it? It's over?

I won't... I won't be sleeping with the...

With the cheeses?

Not unless you want to smell up your sheets.

God, I cook for you, eh? You must be famished.

All I had today was a bowl of crust.

Well, we start with a light appetizer. That's a cheap one.

I'll get you again.

You know, Barry, you're starting to get on my nerves.

What happened to Daryl's lip? He had it removed.

He discovered it's not the size of a man's lip the gals at the DMV are

interested in.

Yeah, that's talk around the locker room.

You know, I heard that what motor vehicle women really love is a guy who's

sensitive. You know, a guy who's not afraid to cry.

They should have been there when the doctor ripped Daryl's lip off.

Yeah, I'll bet they're kicking themselves.

Anyway, what really gets them DMV babes revved up ain't lips at all. It's these.

Whip them out, Daryl.

Let's get a move on. Those lovelies in license renewal punch out at 4 .30.

Well, Dad was right. I should have married a DMV girl.

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