All language subtitles for Newhart s07e19 Homes and Jo-Jo

Tell me, Mrs.

Collins, when did you first start
believing that your bird could talk?

I think the cameras are making him
nervous. Could you turn them off?

I'm sorry. Someone should have briefed
you on how TV works.

Come on, Petey, do the Twilight Zone,
hmm?

You're traveling through another
dimension.

Petey, you know this.

A dimension not only of sight and sound,
but of... Of what, Petey?

Of what, Petey?

Well, I'm afraid we're out of time.

If you'd like a transcript of today's
show... You're out

of your mind.

And we're out.

You blew it, Petey.

Dick, that was a good show.

No, really.

And the crew seemed pleased, too.

That's because somebody brought donuts
to work today.

Hello, Joanna. Hi, Mr. Grad.

Well, Loudon, that was another milestone
in television.

Well, I can't take all the credit, Mr.
Grad. It was your idea to book Petey.

Dick, have you seen your ratings lately?

They're not good.

They're not good at all.

Yeah, but I'm up against tough
competition.

And I'm sure that those, you know, those
fly fishing shows have...

pretty much run their course. Dick, let
me tell you, let me tell you something

about TV.

It's not radio.

I mean, the audience wants to see people
who are great looking with killer

smiles.

Like, like Petey. I had great hopes for
him.

You may call me a radical, but I think
people want to watch shows that have

content.

Do you ever think before you speak?

I could give Joanna a show, and she'd
get better ratings than you.

Oh, that's very flattering, but I
wouldn't know the first thing about

show. Honey, he's not saying he's going
to give you a show. He's just saying

that he'd pick you over me and Petey.

Now, wait a minute.

Actually, not such a bad idea, giving
you a show. I mean, you're great

and smile for me.

You've got a killer smile.

Thank you.

You should hear me laugh.

Laugh for me.

Charmaine, what do you do with the end?

Well, I do the books. There you go.

You're going to give her a show where
she smiles and laughs and totals

You think it needs more?

Well, I'm also a real estate agent.

Bingo. That's the show.

And I'm going to try out in Dick's time
slot.

What? Oh, I couldn't do that to Dick.

Could I, honey? No.

Look, my ratings aren't that bad. That
show that's on before me, I do much

better than that show.

Reverend Millmore's Send Me All Your
Money show.

All right, all right.

The rev is out.

The babe is in. Oh!

Oh! Dick, isn't this exciting?

I'm going to have my own TV. show.

Then I'll be your lead -in.

You're traveling through another
dimension.

I'm not only a sight and sound, but a
bark mind.

Okay.

There's your coffee.

Now, what's the good news? Wait till
George gets here. That way I won't have

say it twice.

Right. Like you never repeat yourself.

I'm here.

What's the big news?

Starting next Sunday, I'm going to have
my own TV show.

Congratulations, Joanna.

I don't get it.

This news has nothing to do with me.

Well, not directly. I just thought you'd
be excited to hear it.

Oh, I am.

Now I can say I serve coffee to two
people who have TV shows.

What kind of program is it? Is it
another fly -fishing show? I can never

fill of those.

Sorry, George. It's going to be a real
estate show.

I'll be showing videotapes of houses
that are on the market.

Oh. So I guess you won't have any trout
on your show.

Not unless they're good -looking and
have a killer smile.

I'm going to be on right before Vermont
today.

Oh, no.

That's Reverend Millmore's time.

Now he won't have the money to build his
walk on the water slide at Reverend

Millmore's Bible Country USA.

Hi.

I'm Larry, this is my brother Daryl, and
this is my other brother Daryl.

Oh, and this is my other brother Daryl's
manservant, Charles.

I knew you'd be the first brother to get
a manservant.

Larry, where did Charles come from?

We found him on our doorstep when we
came home.

We're lucky to find a newspaper on our
doorstep.

Honey, Daryl's always finding newspapers
on your doorstep.

Before this conversation becomes
interminable, I was a birthday gift from

Daryl's great aunt, Priscilla.

Yeah, Daryl's her favorite. She's always
been a sucker for his show -them -a

-lick -them -like folksy humor.

Well, she sounds like a very generous
and wacky woman.

Larry, what's Daryl going to do with a
manservant?

He hasn't the foggiest.

I draw baths. I look after the master's
clothing.

I announce visitors.

In general, I bottle.

Are you any good at turtle stomp?

I think not, no.

That's what we were afraid of.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

Ah, Daryl, that's also what a manservant
does.

He picks things off one's clothes.

I guess Charles will come in handy.

Those turtle pieces stick like glue.

Come on, Darryl. Charles.

Charles.

Charles, you dropped something.

Help me.

Please, you must help me.

Yo, yo, JoJo.

Dick, Dick.

Did you know Larry and the Daryl Duplex
have a butler?

They prefer the term man -servant.

Keeps Charles in his place.

Look what he gave me.

Help me.

Please, you must help me.

Speaking of giving, Mr. Grad gave me my
own show on WPIV.

Chippy Pop, Joanna, congrats.

I always knew you had TVQ potench.

I'll be Dick's lead -in.

Stuffing plus back -to -back Loudons? I
guess I'll finally have to force myself

to watch Vermont today.

You never watched Vermont today. You
produced it. Doesn't mean I had to watch

it.

How does WPIV's newest star like her
set? She loves it.

Oh, what's that spotlight for?

Oh, that's so we can get a good look at
your legs.

Oh, lots of shows use them.

Yeah, Edward R. Murrow popularized him.

It's so bright.

I should have worn a sunscreen.

Now, that's the kind of banter I want to
hear on your show.

But doesn't it take two to banter?

Who's that?

Justin Witter.

Big soap star.

He just got killed off Lovers in Love.

He'll be your co -host.

You really think I need a co -host?

Justin's only here to bring in the
female viewers. We've already got you

men.

Who do I bring in?

Well, judging from your fan mail, a guy
named Frank.

In seconds.

It took ten seconds, and he was talking
to me.

Frank who?

Hi. Justin Witter.

Lovers in Love and various well
-received dinner theater productions of

in the Park.

Joanna Loudon.

Well -received real estate agent.

In five, four, three...

Hi, I'm Joanna Loudon, and this

is my co -host, Justin Witter.

Hi, Vermont.

We'd like to welcome you to the first
edition of Your House is My House.

Our house.

We'll be taking you through some of the
fabulous homes that are on the market.

If that's all right with you.

Anything you do is all right with me.

Oh.

Our first home, located in exclusive
Johnny Cake Ridge Estates, has three

bedrooms, two and a half baths, a lovely
gourmet kitchen. Excuse me, Joanna.

Can we back up a bit?

To what?

To the bedroom.

And this time, let's linger a while, if
you know what I mean.

Well, the master suite has a large walk
-in closet, French doors that lead out

to the spa. Oh, a dip in the spa sounds
pretty good right now, if you know what

I mean.

What does he mean?

Dick, relax. This show's going to get
big numbers.

And because you follow, your show's
going to get thousands of new viewers,

There's a charming wood -burning
fireplace.

Ooh, that fireplace is making me hot, if
you know what I mean.

Saw your show, Joanna.

Hot shot shot.

Maybe he's just trying to say he wants
some bacon.

George, my show is not supposed to be
hot cha -cha.

I'm selling real estate.

It was hard to tell what you were
selling.

So, did you see my show?

When's that on again?

Right after Joanna's show.

Then I missed it. After watching Joy and
I had to go out and lift heavy objects.

Good. Joanna, you're home.

I have a question. What is it?

I don't know that much about TV, but
isn't it tacky to come on to your co

like that?

Stephanie, he came on to me.

Well, you encouraged him with those
double entendres about houses.

And by the way, that leg light has to
go.

The idea is to accentuate the positive.

Not to change the subject, but did you
catch Vermont today?

No.

After Joanna's flesh act, I took a
ritual purification

bath.

I was busy scrubbing my skin raw.

Joanna, I'm as open -minded as the next
person, but...

I can't help feeling you're going to
burn for this.

Dick, will you help me kill Justin?

Joanna, I know you're mad, but a little
sexual tension might... might help hot

houses.

Hot houses?

What happened to your house is my house.

Mr. Grad wanted to steam your title.

You should be relieved. I talked him out
of... rooms for love.

I'm a smut peddler.

Yes, but, I mean, it's smut with
redeeming social values.

I mean, your show is going to be a hit,
which means my show is going to be a

hit, so in a way, I mean, I'm dealing in
smut, too.

Thank you, Dick.

Thank you for making no sense.

And thank you for letting your wife be
degraded for some stupid ratings.

Joanna, normally I would be the last guy
to stand by and watch you be degraded.

But, I mean, you know, it sweeps weak.

Hi.

I'm Larry. This is my brother, Daryl.

And this is my other brother, Daryl,
second.

Hi, guys. What can we do for you? We've
come for more advice, but first we'd

like to congratulate Miss Joanna on her
softcore porno real estate show.

Thank you.

I saw there was a need for it, and with
Dick's encouragement, I'm filling it.

I see Daryl, but where is Daryl? The
master is soaking in a bubble bath at

present, sir.

When he's all soft and rosy, Charles
will dry him off. Then read to him till

falls asleep.

As far as Master Darrell is concerned,
the cat in the hat cannot come back too

many times.

I must get back before his bubbles
disappear.

Don't, uh... Don't you think you're
spoiling him?

Actually, I'm the one who prefers there
be bubbles left.

Dick, we're at our wit's end. Daryl
doesn't do anything for himself anymore.

He's losing his naturally sinewy
physique.

That would be the real tragedy in all of
this.

What do you suggest we do?

Can I answer a question with a question?

Did you watch my show?

Can I answer that question with another
question?

What does that have to do with Daryl?

Nothing.

We thought as much. Goodbye.

And this lovely home has a beautiful
manicured lawn, a large family room,

bathrooms, an Olympic -sized swimming
pool.

What? No bedrooms?

No. No bedrooms in this one.

Well, isn't that strange?

None of the houses you've mentioned
today have had bedrooms.

And none are going to, so drop it.

Well, they don't have any bedrooms.
Where would one go to bed, if you know

I mean?

There's always the gutter out front.

Getting back to why we're here.

The house has a spacious gourmet kitchen
featuring granite countertops. Never

sprawl naked on a granite countertop.

He's good.

Will you shut up?

Don't say another word.

There's decorative beveled glass
windows.

And a lovely skylight, which allows the
morning sun to warm the living room.

He's playing pussy with her now.

I mean, thousands of people are going to
be watching him fondle my wife on

television.

Tens of thousands, Dick.

Tens of thousands?

And from the mail we've received,
they're sticking around to watch Vermont

today.

Well, you know, I mean, when you think
about it, I mean, yeah.

All he's doing is...

Rubbing her thigh with his foot.

There's an attached three -car garage.

Did you ever do it?

Strapped to an automatic garage door.

Have you ever been strangled on the air?

We'll be right back with a few final
words.

And we're out.

What's up, Joanna?

I can't take it anymore. I'm going to
kill him right here, right now.

Joanna, calm down. You don't want to get
a reputation for being difficult.

Jack, he was fondling my leg. He had a
sock on.

Either he keeps his feet to himself or
I'm walking.

I'll talk to him. I'll tell him you're a
little, a little miffed.

Miffed? I want to see him strung up by
his... Ten seconds.

Honey, you better get back. Justin's
idling.

In five, four, three... Until next time,
I'm

Joanna Bowden. And I'm Justin Witter,
hoping all your houses are... hot.

And we're out.

That's it. I can't take it anymore.

Okay, okay, I'll handle it. You get some
decaf.

Justin, could...

Could I have a word with you about my
wife?

Sure, Dick.

You know, she's a lovely woman.

I'm glad you're enjoying her.

Just wish you wouldn't enjoy her quite
so much.

Oh, that.

Oh, that's my darn soap training.

I see a beautiful woman and bingo,
bango. Something clicks in my head. Next

thing you know, I'm all over her.

Maybe you should have that bingo, bango
looked at.

Well. I've got to do something. Bart is
really getting on my case about it.

Who's Bart?

The guy I live with. You knew I was gay,
didn't you?

Oh, of course.

I knew... I knew that.

Maybe I'll tone things down. But you'll
still flirt a little.

Well, enough to get ratings.

Just not enough to make Bart throw
things.

Right. Use his temper as your gauge.
Exactly.

Well, gotta run.

Bart's making moussaka.

Well, did you set him straight?

I don't think he'll be bothering you
anymore.

Really? What did you say to him?

Joanne, I don't like to repeat it.

We use some pretty colorful language.

In five, four, three... And now it's

Vermont Today starring Dick Loudon.

Our topic today, bookbinding.

Gluing or stitching?

The controversy continues.

Hi.

I'm Larry.

This is my brother, Daryl.

And appearing in public once again is my
other brother, Daryl.

We've come to inquire if you've seen a
manservant.

Are you missing one?

It seems Charles has run off. I should
have seen it coming.

He had this weird look in his eyes when
he was flossing Daryl.

Maybe it's for the best.

He's picking up all sorts of annoying
habits from that Charles.

Come on, Daryl.

Help me, please.

You must help me.

come out now.

Thank you so much for concealing me,
George.

Master Dallow is getting to be too much
for one man servant to endure.

I know you'd do the same for me if I
ever ran away from Dick and Joanna.

I don't think the Loudons would ever
chase you through the forest naked while

hurling squirrel pellets at your bum.

No, but I'm supposed to watch Vermont
today and that's just as painful.

Me up.