Original subtitles

Honey, how does this sound for my next how -to book?

Turning that old newspaper rack into a new magazine rack.

Sounds more like a how -to sentence.

I don't know what's wrong. I guess I'm how -to'd out.

Maybe you should take a few months off.

Honey, I'm a writer. I was born with a need to express my thoughts.

I mean, literature is the legacy of my very soul.

How about writing a novel?

Too sick.

How about a how -to book for kids?

You know, that's not a bad idea. Listen to this.

Turning Dad's old newspaper lab into a neat

comic book rack.

Well, maybe with some work.

Hello, Stratford Inn.

Michael, where have you been all week?

We've been worried about you.

Very worried.

On a scale of one to ten?

A seven.

No, a seven is good.

Michael, where are you?

Who are you visiting at Ridge Valley Sanitarium?

You're visiting you?

Are you sure you don't want some cake?

George, it may be cake to you, but to me it's a bulge looking for a thigh to

land on.

Okay, Michael, we'll see you later this afternoon.

Of course we missed you.

An eight.

See you later.

Where is Michael?

Not that I give a flying fud.

At the Ridge Valley Sanatorium.

Ridge Valley?

Oh, that's the you -know -what farm.

Gee, I've pushed men to the edge before, but I've never chucked one over.

I didn't know I had the power to turn a man into a raving lunatic.

Oh, I'm sure he's not a raving lunatic.

Is he, Dick?

On a scale of one to ten?

Michael, are you okay?

You'd be hard -pressed to find any fiddles fitter than I.

Why do you ask? No reason, just kind of a wacky thing to ask somebody in the

sanitarium.

Last we heard, you were doing street mimes. Well, Jojo, there was the small

disturbance. in a restaurant. Apparently, some people get a tiny bit

around mimes who scream like banshees.

Go figure.

Anyway, I guess they hit me all at once. I lost my job, my credit, and the repo

squad took everything from A to Turbo Z.

So, when I hit Chapter 11, I went Section 8.

I checked into Costa de Crackers.

Michael, you should have come to us.

Thanks for the TLC, J .L., but to be honest, I dig these digs.

I get three squares a day, and I'm responsibility free, and every once in a

while, that guy over there who thinks he's Sinatra gets this blonde nurse to

these go -go boots on and sing something stupid with him.

Is she working today?

Michael, you know...

Stephanie thinks that she's responsible for your new digs.

She's wrong.

The scars are healing for my stefectomy.

But enough about me. Let me show you around. Ridge Valley isn't much, but I

it the home.

Got a smoke?

I'm sorry, I don't... Dick Loudon?

Corinne Denby?

I gave up cigarettes, you know.

You just asked me for a smoke.

It was a joke.

It's a good one.

What are you doing here?

I'm visiting my friend, Michael.

The mind?

So, how are you?

I'm in a sanitarium, Dick.

I'm peachy keen.

So what are you going to do? Just kind of take it easy for a while?

After I illustrated that how -to book of yours, I gave up technical art I wanted

to create with my soul instead of a ruler.

Show the world my sensitive side. Time for your pill. I'll back off, Cookie.

Can't you see I got company?

But, you know, then the rejection started and I took it bad.

Eventually it just all got to me and I... I went psycho.

So I checked into here.

How long have you been here?

A year and a half.

So what are you up to?

I'm going to write a how -to book for kids.

You got an illustrator?

Well, I... Because if you don't, you could sponsor me to do a couple of

pictures.

Maybe some of those furry things that kids like.

The kind that go funk when you hit them with your car.

I'm not sure that's a good idea. Just tell them the white coat, see, that

I'm working with you on a special project.

It would be like therapy for me. Well, you know, maybe, you know, when the time

comes. Oh, thanks, Dick.

You have really boosted my spirit.

Well, take care. Yeah, thanks.

Dick,

you already missed half the tour. Tell him who he missed, Joanna.

Mark Twain.

He's rehearsing his one -man tribute to Hal Holbrook.

Guess who I ran into?

Corinne Denby.

That's who that was. Okay, Dick.

Listen, slap your John Hancock on this baby and we're gone with the wind.

Honey, I had a thought. Instead of writing a whole new book for kids, I'll

one that I've already written.

Remember installation and care of your low -maintenance lawn sprinklers.

That'll be a big request at story hour.

Dix, why did you have to bring Corrine here?

The woman has problems.

What are you talking about?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe that loud, anguished wailing that came from her room all night.

Joanna, just because we don't... wail... doesn't mean we

should condemn someone who... who wails.

Besides, it kind of blotted out the sound of fists banging

against the wall.

Dick, that was the sound of forehead meeting plaster.

It's still a little rough around the edges, but give me your honest opinion.

Oh, wow.

That is some sprinkler head.

And it looks great right next to that giant daisy.

No, that's not a daisy, Dick.

That's Wesley Weasel.

Do you have anything else? Let up, Dick.

I'll do more just as soon as I get rid of this damn headache.

The picture was horrible.

You're right. I mean, I can't let her ruin a potentially great, great book.

just have to gently tell her that I can't use her.

At ease, Loudons.

Hello, Officer Shifflett.

Official business?

Just passing by.

Got a yen to check your building for fire code violations?

Why?

Word on the street is you're housing one Corinne Denby.

Your classic textbook firebug.

Well, she may be a little high -strung, but she's not a firebug.

For the record, it seems Miss Zippo got a few rejection slips and took a

flying leap off the deep end towards her own studio.

Oh, my gosh!

I'm sure she's, you know, she's fine now.

She's been in the sanitarium for a year and a half.

Sing me another one.

My brother's been in for years, and he still thinks he's Sinatra.

Can we get her to check out of here?

I think Barbara Butane checked out a long time ago.

We're all adults here. Let's use big people talk.

Rubbing this chick the wrong way is like putting nitro in a baby's rattle.

Kaboom.

What do you think of my latest?

Well, there's Wesley.

I don't mean to be picky, but we seem to be missing Wesley's head.

All the animals supposed to have heads?

Excuse me.

I know you Ridge Valley people range from a little off to king of banana

But I was just wondering if you were anywhere near the same degree of

as my ex -boyfriend.

That would be the mime.

You see, Dick and Joanna won't tell me the truth.

Who is he?

Does he...

Cry out the name Stephanie in his sleep.

No.

Cupcake. No.

Wonder Ranch.

Dreamsicle.

Mommy.

Stephanie, why don't we leave Dick and Corrine alone so they can talk?

Uh, Corrine, can I, can I be, can I be honest with you?

Of course, Dick.

You're my friend.

I trust you more than anybody else in the world. After all, you gave me

hope.

Well, you know, I know you've had a couple rejections. Forty -one.

Forty -one of those stinking little sheets of paper.

I'm sorry, Dick. Any

eights?

Go fish.

You know, Terry, I was noticing all the queens have little holes where their

eyes should be.

Yeah? So? Well, isn't that a little oddball?

Is it oddball that all four queens kept staring at me?

Like they were better than me?

They needed to be taught a lesson, Michael.

You bet.

Any sixes?

This is my first sanitarium gig. How about you? Same here.

I was just your average Joe until she came along.

She was so beautiful.

We fell in love.

Went out for a while.

Broke up.

Ditto on that data.

I didn't take it very well. I'm here, buddy.

Locked her in the trunk of her car.

Drove to the pier.

Got off on a technicality.

I'll bet you've heard this story a million times.

Yeah, I had a nickel.

Hello, Michael.

Stephanie. Michael, is that the girl you broke up with?

So basically she's up for grabs?

Keep her busy. I'll be back in a minute.

Oh, Michael.

What have I done to you?

I did this to myself, ex -cupcake.

Is it because you saw me having dinner with another man?

Well, that was just part of it. I guess I just needed a good rest.

Did you have to rest here?

Most of the people I know rest in Barbados.

Steph, I'm happy here.

Happy?

You're wearing paper slippers.

I'm through crying. All the tears have been sucked from my ducts.

you a pretty little thing.

Stephanie, is it?

You know when my life began, Stephanie?

The moment we met.

I looked at you and felt myself come alive. Everything about you.

The way you look at me.

Staring at me.

Like you're better than me.

Like you need to be taught a lesson.

Four o 'clock.

Visiting hours are over.

Oh, my queen, the plans I've made for us.

The thrill in store.

I don't even know you.

So that's how it is.

I see.

Tell me, darling, what kind of car do you drive?

What? Got a lot of trunk space?

No.

She doesn't have a car. She rides a bicycle everywhere.

Does it have a basket?

She has to go now.

You know, my dove, I could escort you home if you'd just sign a little paper

me.

I don't think so.

No, it was worth a try.

Last week, some bonehead sprung a firebug.

Goodbye, Michael.

I'll come back and visit you again. Oh, I wish you wouldn't. It's too difficult

for me.

And him.

It was a pleasure, Stephanie.

I'm sure we'll meet again.

Oh, I doubt it.

And my name isn't really Stephanie.

It's Joanna.

Joanna Loudon.

And I'm taller than this.

You have lovely hair, Joanna.

My last girlfriend had hair just like that.

See?

Standing guard, George.

I want to make sure this fire stays in the fireplace, if you know what I mean.

Cranked out another bag, Dick.

Oh, boy.

Go to Juanita Weasel.

I don't remember Wesley having a girlfriend.

That's for our next book.

What next book?

I've got enough ideas floating around up here for 20 books.

You and I are going to make one hell of a team.

So what do you think?

It's nice.

Do you really like it?

Actually, no. What?

I don't mean this in a bad way, but there was better stuff hanging in the

section at Ridge Valley.

I thought you didn't smoke.

I don't.

This is my God. Don't let me snap now, Pat.

What do you think, sweater girl?

I like it.

What? Well, it has a few problems.

I see.

What do you think of my work, tool jockey?

I'm scared, Dick.

Hey, George, steady.

Well?

I can't talk.

Well, you don't have to hit me over the head. I mean, I've been on this side of

rejection before.

Now,

Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

what, I can deal with it.

If it wasn't for all that sunshine that you blew up my hospital down, I would

have gone back to technical drawing where I belong.

Well, I'm glad you're finally being honest with yourself.

Well, as long as I'm being honest, I think your book bites it.

But what's wrong with my book?

Wesley's eyes grew wide at the low -voltage shock he received from not

properly grounding the AKV electronic timing system.

Boy, Tick.

There's a problem with that?

George, you liked it, didn't you? Don't ask me. I've got problems of my own.

I promised God that if I weren't burned alive, I'd become a priest.

George, I'm sure he'll understand if you renege.

You're both crazy. The kids will eat this up.

Gee, you sure don't take rejection very well, Dick.

This is really good stuff.

Phew, Wendell.

We just installed...

The entire Aqua Wizard P246 automatic sprinkling system with the

AKV thermal regulator.

And it meets all state and local safety specifications.

This Sunday night, you can bask in the glow of one TV hit after another at the

season's biggest bash, Nick at Night's Block Party Summer.

It's TV hits in six show blocks every night.

So stop by and stay cool.

This Sunday, Lucy Sunday, only on Nick at Night.

Now, stay tuned for Dick Van Dyke, next year on Nick at Night.

Meow.