All language subtitles for Newhart s07e16 The Little Match Girl

Honey, how does this sound for my next
how -to book?

Turning that old newspaper rack into a
new magazine rack.

Sounds more like a how -to sentence.

I don't know what's wrong. I guess I'm
how -to'd out.

Maybe you should take a few months off.

Honey, I'm a writer. I was born with a
need to express my thoughts.

I mean, literature is the legacy of my
very soul.

How about writing a novel?

Too sick.

How about a how -to book for kids?

You know, that's not a bad idea. Listen
to this.

Turning Dad's old newspaper lab into a
neat

comic book rack.

Well, maybe with some work.

Hello, Stratford Inn.

Michael, where have you been all week?

We've been worried about you.

Very worried.

On a scale of one to ten?

A seven.

No, a seven is good.

Michael, where are you?

Who are you visiting at Ridge Valley
Sanitarium?

You're visiting you?

Are you sure you don't want some cake?

George, it may be cake to you, but to me
it's a bulge looking for a thigh to

land on.

Okay, Michael, we'll see you later this
afternoon.

Of course we missed you.

An eight.

See you later.

Where is Michael?

Not that I give a flying fud.

At the Ridge Valley Sanatorium.

Ridge Valley?

Oh, that's the you -know -what farm.

Gee, I've pushed men to the edge before,
but I've never chucked one over.

I didn't know I had the power to turn a
man into a raving lunatic.

Oh, I'm sure he's not a raving lunatic.

Is he, Dick?

On a scale of one to ten?

Michael, are you okay?

You'd be hard -pressed to find any
fiddles fitter than I.

Why do you ask? No reason, just kind of
a wacky thing to ask somebody in the

sanitarium.

Last we heard, you were doing street
mimes. Well, Jojo, there was the small

disturbance. in a restaurant.
Apparently, some people get a tiny bit

around mimes who scream like banshees.

Go figure.

Anyway, I guess they hit me all at once.
I lost my job, my credit, and the repo

squad took everything from A to Turbo Z.

So, when I hit Chapter 11, I went
Section 8.

I checked into Costa de Crackers.

Michael, you should have come to us.

Thanks for the TLC, J .L., but to be
honest, I dig these digs.

I get three squares a day, and I'm
responsibility free, and every once in a

while, that guy over there who thinks
he's Sinatra gets this blonde nurse to

these go -go boots on and sing something
stupid with him.

Is she working today?

Michael, you know...

Stephanie thinks that she's responsible
for your new digs.

She's wrong.

The scars are healing for my stefectomy.

But enough about me. Let me show you
around. Ridge Valley isn't much, but I

it the home.

Got a smoke?

I'm sorry, I don't... Dick Loudon?

Corinne Denby?

I gave up cigarettes, you know.

You just asked me for a smoke.

It was a joke.

It's a good one.

What are you doing here?

I'm visiting my friend, Michael.

The mind?

So, how are you?

I'm in a sanitarium, Dick.

I'm peachy keen.

So what are you going to do? Just kind
of take it easy for a while?

After I illustrated that how -to book of
yours, I gave up technical art I wanted

to create with my soul instead of a
ruler.

Show the world my sensitive side. Time
for your pill. I'll back off, Cookie.

Can't you see I got company?

But, you know, then the rejection
started and I took it bad.

Eventually it just all got to me and
I... I went psycho.

So I checked into here.

How long have you been here?

A year and a half.

So what are you up to?

I'm going to write a how -to book for
kids.

You got an illustrator?

Well, I... Because if you don't, you
could sponsor me to do a couple of

pictures.

Maybe some of those furry things that
kids like.

The kind that go funk when you hit them
with your car.

I'm not sure that's a good idea. Just
tell them the white coat, see, that

I'm working with you on a special
project.

It would be like therapy for me. Well,
you know, maybe, you know, when the time

comes. Oh, thanks, Dick.

You have really boosted my spirit.

Well, take care. Yeah, thanks.

Dick,

you already missed half the tour. Tell
him who he missed, Joanna.

Mark Twain.

He's rehearsing his one -man tribute to
Hal Holbrook.

Guess who I ran into?

Corinne Denby.

That's who that was. Okay, Dick.

Listen, slap your John Hancock on this
baby and we're gone with the wind.

Honey, I had a thought. Instead of
writing a whole new book for kids, I'll

one that I've already written.

Remember installation and care of your
low -maintenance lawn sprinklers.

That'll be a big request at story hour.

Dix, why did you have to bring Corrine
here?

The woman has problems.

What are you talking about?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe that loud, anguished wailing that
came from her room all night.

Joanna, just because we don't... wail...
doesn't mean we

should condemn someone who... who wails.

Besides, it kind of blotted out the
sound of fists banging

against the wall.

Dick, that was the sound of forehead
meeting plaster.

It's still a little rough around the
edges, but give me your honest opinion.

Oh, wow.

That is some sprinkler head.

And it looks great right next to that
giant daisy.

No, that's not a daisy, Dick.

That's Wesley Weasel.

Do you have anything else? Let up, Dick.

I'll do more just as soon as I get rid
of this damn headache.

The picture was horrible.

You're right. I mean, I can't let her
ruin a potentially great, great book.

just have to gently tell her that I
can't use her.

At ease, Loudons.

Hello, Officer Shifflett.

Official business?

Just passing by.

Got a yen to check your building for
fire code violations?

Why?

Word on the street is you're housing one
Corinne Denby.

Your classic textbook firebug.

Well, she may be a little high -strung,
but she's not a firebug.

For the record, it seems Miss Zippo got
a few rejection slips and took a

flying leap off the deep end towards her
own studio.

Oh, my gosh!

I'm sure she's, you know, she's fine
now.

She's been in the sanitarium for a year
and a half.

Sing me another one.

My brother's been in for years, and he
still thinks he's Sinatra.

Can we get her to check out of here?

I think Barbara Butane checked out a
long time ago.

We're all adults here. Let's use big
people talk.

Rubbing this chick the wrong way is like
putting nitro in a baby's rattle.

Kaboom.

What do you think of my latest?

Well, there's Wesley.

I don't mean to be picky, but we seem to
be missing Wesley's head.

All the animals supposed to have heads?

Excuse me.

I know you Ridge Valley people range
from a little off to king of banana

But I was just wondering if you were
anywhere near the same degree of

as my ex -boyfriend.

That would be the mime.

You see, Dick and Joanna won't tell me
the truth.

Who is he?

Does he...

Cry out the name Stephanie in his sleep.

No.

Cupcake. No.

Wonder Ranch.

Dreamsicle.

Mommy.

Stephanie, why don't we leave Dick and
Corrine alone so they can talk?

Uh, Corrine, can I, can I be, can I be
honest with you?

Of course, Dick.

You're my friend.

I trust you more than anybody else in
the world. After all, you gave me

hope.

Well, you know, I know you've had a
couple rejections. Forty -one.

Forty -one of those stinking little
sheets of paper.

I'm sorry, Dick. Any

eights?

Go fish.

You know, Terry, I was noticing all the
queens have little holes where their

eyes should be.

Yeah? So? Well, isn't that a little
oddball?

Is it oddball that all four queens kept
staring at me?

Like they were better than me?

They needed to be taught a lesson,
Michael.

You bet.

Any sixes?

This is my first sanitarium gig. How
about you? Same here.

I was just your average Joe until she
came along.

She was so beautiful.

We fell in love.

Went out for a while.

Broke up.

Ditto on that data.

I didn't take it very well. I'm here,
buddy.

Locked her in the trunk of her car.

Drove to the pier.

Got off on a technicality.

I'll bet you've heard this story a
million times.

Yeah, I had a nickel.

Hello, Michael.

Stephanie. Michael, is that the girl you
broke up with?

So basically she's up for grabs?

Keep her busy. I'll be back in a minute.

Oh, Michael.

What have I done to you?

I did this to myself, ex -cupcake.

Is it because you saw me having dinner
with another man?

Well, that was just part of it. I guess
I just needed a good rest.

Did you have to rest here?

Most of the people I know rest in
Barbados.

Steph, I'm happy here.

Happy?

You're wearing paper slippers.

I'm through crying. All the tears have
been sucked from my ducts.

you a pretty little thing.

Stephanie, is it?

You know when my life began, Stephanie?

The moment we met.

I looked at you and felt myself come
alive. Everything about you.

The way you look at me.

Staring at me.

Like you're better than me.

Like you need to be taught a lesson.

Four o 'clock.

Visiting hours are over.

Oh, my queen, the plans I've made for
us.

The thrill in store.

I don't even know you.

So that's how it is.

I see.

Tell me, darling, what kind of car do
you drive?

What? Got a lot of trunk space?

No.

She doesn't have a car. She rides a
bicycle everywhere.

Does it have a basket?

She has to go now.

You know, my dove, I could escort you
home if you'd just sign a little paper

me.

I don't think so.

No, it was worth a try.

Last week, some bonehead sprung a
firebug.

Goodbye, Michael.

I'll come back and visit you again. Oh,
I wish you wouldn't. It's too difficult

for me.

And him.

It was a pleasure, Stephanie.

I'm sure we'll meet again.

Oh, I doubt it.

And my name isn't really Stephanie.

It's Joanna.

Joanna Loudon.

And I'm taller than this.

You have lovely hair, Joanna.

My last girlfriend had hair just like
that.

See?

Standing guard, George.

I want to make sure this fire stays in
the fireplace, if you know what I mean.

Cranked out another bag, Dick.

Oh, boy.

Go to Juanita Weasel.

I don't remember Wesley having a
girlfriend.

That's for our next book.

What next book?

I've got enough ideas floating around up
here for 20 books.

You and I are going to make one hell of
a team.

So what do you think?

It's nice.

Do you really like it?

Actually, no. What?

I don't mean this in a bad way, but
there was better stuff hanging in the

section at Ridge Valley.

I thought you didn't smoke.

I don't.

This is my God. Don't let me snap now,
Pat.

What do you think, sweater girl?

I like it.

What? Well, it has a few problems.

I see.

What do you think of my work, tool
jockey?

I'm scared, Dick.

Hey, George, steady.

Well?

I can't talk.

Well, you don't have to hit me over the
head. I mean, I've been on this side of

rejection before.

Now,

Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with
thee.

what, I can deal with it.

If it wasn't for all that sunshine that
you blew up my hospital down, I would

have gone back to technical drawing
where I belong.

Well, I'm glad you're finally being
honest with yourself.

Well, as long as I'm being honest, I
think your book bites it.

But what's wrong with my book?

Wesley's eyes grew wide at the low
-voltage shock he received from not

properly grounding the AKV electronic
timing system.

Boy, Tick.

There's a problem with that?

George, you liked it, didn't you? Don't
ask me. I've got problems of my own.

I promised God that if I weren't burned
alive, I'd become a priest.

George, I'm sure he'll understand if you
renege.

You're both crazy. The kids will eat
this up.

Gee, you sure don't take rejection very
well, Dick.

This is really good stuff.

Phew, Wendell.

We just installed...

The entire Aqua Wizard P246 automatic
sprinkling system with the

AKV thermal regulator.

And it meets all state and local safety
specifications.

This Sunday night, you can bask in the
glow of one TV hit after another at the

season's biggest bash, Nick at Night's
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So stop by and stay cool.

This Sunday, Lucy Sunday, only on Nick
at Night.

Now, stay tuned for Dick Van Dyke, next
year on Nick at Night.

Meow.