Original subtitles

Look, Dick, my business cards finally came.

You ordered the business cards, George? Ten thousand of them.

I wanted you and Joanna to have the first two.

George Utley.

No address?

No phone number? No occupation?

What's the point? Everybody in town knows where I live and what I do.

Well, then.

Then why do you need a business card, George?

It impresses the babes, Dick.

Hello, old man. How have you been?

Pretty good, young man.

Who are you?

Why, I'm Scooter Drake.

Who?

Oh, Scooter Drake.

Stephanie and I met him at a snobby party in New York.

Not that you were that snobby. Really, I thought I was perfectly snobby.

Sorry about that.

Hi, I'm Joanna Loudon, and that's George Utley.

My card?

George Utley. Well, if I ever need one, you can be found here.

Yep, lovely.

Steffy about?

Uh, Steffi, Scooter's here.

Why do I feel like I'm in an Archie comic?

Scooter, Drake, hi.

I thought I smelled old money.

Try as I may, I can't rid myself of that blasted smell. I do hope it doesn't

offend.

Well, it was pretty bad when you walked in, but I can...

Can hardly notice it now.

So where's your darling little girlfriend, Libby? Oh, that's right.

liposuction time.

I'm afraid Libby's left me for another.

Another what?

Another man, George.

That's not what the gossip mongers are saying.

Well, what brings you to Vermont?

Well... Since Libby left me, I've been feeling a bit under, so I thought I'd

motor on up here and do some shopping. That often cheers me.

Souter, Vermont is hardly the place to shop, unless you're interested in maple

candy. I suggest you try Paris.

Actually, I've had this urge to buy a quaint New England inn.

Then don't go to Paris.

What kind of inn are you in the market for?

Oh, dear.

Is that something I should have thought about?

Well, it took us a year to find the Stratford.

Did research talk to people who drove all over? I'd like to have mine by

nightfall.

Joanna, you can help Scooter find an inn.

I mean, aren't you, like, in real estate or something?

So you do pay attention when I talk about my life.

Sometimes I can't shut it out.

If you're really interested, I'd love to help. We could go look at my listings

right now.

Splendid. Come on, Stephanie.

Oh, if there's two I like, you could flip the coin.

Or you can buy a boat.

My, you are a help.

Boy, imagine buying an inn to get over being depressed.

When I'm blue, I rent It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.

And that cheers you up, George?

Yeah, for a while. Then I think about all the actors in the movies who are

and I get blue again.

Hi. Oh, hi, Michael.

I'm on the lamb from my ex -lamb chop.

It's okay, Michael. She's in the dining room. Oh, all right. You can say my

name.

I don't think I need to anymore.

How's the job hunting going?

Dick, I've decided to keep my nose out of other people's businesses and start

one of my own. One that requires minimal capital and yet will enable me to

afford food again.

Watch.

You're going to pull taffy?

Michael, are you saying you're going to be a mime? You know what they say?

Everybody loves a mime.

No, everybody loves a clown. People try to run over mimes.

Well, nobody's going to maim this mime.

Michael. Are you sure this town is ready for a mime? I don't think they've ever

seen one before.

That's right.

They might mistake you for the village idiot.

He used to pull on invisible taffy, too.

You know, Scooter, we might have better luck if we see some of these inns in

person. I agree. I always like to caress the things I buy.

Well, good.

I'll go call some of the inns and tell them we're coming.

Maybe you can fondle the Henderson place.

You know, just the thought of buying some place is lifting my spirits.

Well, the way I see it, there are four stages to breaking up.

First, denial.

Then, shopping.

Then, hating the other person's guts so much you would like to see them fry in

the flames of eternal hell.

Then, more shopping.

I'm at the third stage with Michael.

Would you like some more coffee? I mean, as grotesque as it all is, I am the

maid.

You shouldn't feel grotesque. My great -grandfather used to say there's no

in any job.

As long as you do it well, it inspired the workers in his sweatshops to keep

plugging away.

Until they were old enough to go to school.

Sounds like he was a great man.

He was a monster, actually, but an absolute delight at parties.

Listen, I've got an idea.

After I buy my inn, why don't we go out and celebrate our freedom from Libby and

Michael?

What's the best restaurants in town?

Maison Hubert, but I could never go back there again. That's where I had my last

horrible date with Michael before he dumped me. Did I mention that I'd like

see him fry in hell?

I believe you did, but you know the old saw. When you fall off your polo pony,

remount and use the whip.

You know what's interesting about dust?

It could be so many things.

No matter how much you clean, the stuff keeps coming back.

Has it occurred to you? to you that it's supposed to be here and we're tampering

with God's plan?

Who signs your paychecks, him or me?

Oh, how was inn shopping?

Scooter didn't like anything he saw.

The inns we looked at were all so red.

Well, couldn't you show him something in a different color?

Haven't either of you ever heard of paint?

That would be like buying a sweater in the wrong color and then dying it. One

certainly wouldn't do that.

Joanna might.

I wish you could find me something like this.

Well, the Stratford is pretty run -of -the -mill compared to some of the

I've shown you.

I wouldn't call it run -of -the -mill.

Dusty, maybe, but... I mean, that's God's doing.

Everything here is so perfect, though. The fixtures, the fireplace, even

Stephanie posing over there looks absolutely perfect.

You should see this place when the morning sun reflects off my hair.

People say it's breathtaking.

I'll tell you what, I'll give you a million dollars for it.

You want to buy the Stratford for a million dollars?

Ooh, you've got the art of haggling down to a science.

All right, a million three, take it or raise it.

What? I left myself open for that one.

All right, a million five.

I know it's a lot of money, but I'm not sure I can bring myself to sell this

place. If we did, we'd be set for life.

And do you have any idea how much my commission would be?

Joanna, the seller pays the commission. You'd be paying yourself.

Who cares?

The important thing is it'll put me in the million -dollar club at the office.

I'll get a pin.

Oh, well, let's dump this place if it means you're getting a pin.

Hi, everybody.

Oh, hi, George. Listen, we need your advice on something.

Scooter has offered to buy the inn, and we're trying to decide whether or not to

sell.

Sell the Stratford? You can't. The Stratford is like a home to us.

George, it is a home to us.

Well, my advice is don't sell.

He's offered us a million five.

Then my advice is sell.

See, Dick, George thinks we should sell. George isn't everybody.

I like to think I am.

Of course, it is ironic.

I live here my whole life, and the day I get my business cards, we move.

Joanna, why are you so quick to unload this place? I thought you loved it as

much as I do. I do.

We have seven years of wonderful memories here, but if somebody is crazy

to offer us that kind of money, we ought to be crazy enough to consider it.

This is my brother Daryl, and this is my other brother Daryl.

Hi, fellas.

We heard there was a Scooter Drake here.

We grew up with a Scooter Drake, and we was wondering if it was one and the

same.

My guess would be no.

Does this Scooter Drake have a pineapple birthmark on his right buttock?

Pineapple.

Pineapple.

No. Listen, fellas, Dick has a question for you. Uh -oh, Daryl. Pop quiz.

It's like this.

We've been offered a million five for the inn.

Dino might!

One of us feels that we should take it, and one of us isn't so sure.

Daryl wants to know who the jerk is.

Who isn't so sure?

I don't think any purpose would be served by naming names.

It's Dick.

You see, Dick, the fellas think we should sell. Even they know a million

a lot of money.

A million five?

We thought you said a million flies.

Good evening, Hubert.

Mademoiselle Vandekillen, I did not think I would be seeing you again.

Is this another loser du jour?

Here you go, old French chap.

That loser remark.

Mademoiselle and I, we make with the petite.

Follow me.

For you.

the thinnest table in the house.

Oh, table.

Did you miss me as much as I miss you?

They say sometime late at night she cries out for you.

Hubert, bring us a bottle of Dom Perignon, please.

For the court.

Hurry, bottle of Dom Perignon. This is the way it used to be

with Michael. People scurrying at our command.

I miss the simple pleasures of life.

My apologies for the delay.

Oh, seven seconds isn't really long.

Now that you've established a time, you'll have something to beat.

Would you like to see the menus now?

Later, Henri.

A

toast

to Libby and Michael. May they forever be part of our past.

Good riddance.

is that?

I think it's a mime screaming in the rain.

Let's applaud. Perhaps it'll go away.

It worked!

Well!

What have we here?

So you couldn't wait, could you? I thought mimes were supposed to be fairly

quiet.

Run along now, you wet, white -faced street performer.

I know what's going on here, coppers.

I'm a mime, not the village idiot.

Michael! In black and white.

This is Michael?

He's not at all as I pictured.

How do you do, young mime, Scooter Drake?

I see you found yourself a new boyfriend.

And he's so cute.

Why, thank you, so sweet of you to notice.

I have as much right to be here as anyone else.

Just because I have no money in my hat is no reason I should be treated like

garbage.

And you, you two were out there watching me for 20 minutes and you didn't give

me a damn nickel.

What, because I'm a mime you thought I wouldn't say anything?

Well, could the village idiot do this?

Michael, stop it.

I can't hear you, Steffi. Can't you see I'm in a box?

Michael, you're dripping makeup on my

purse. Oh, sorry. My career is a little messy.

Not all of us have a job where we get to work.

Oh, my God.

Is that a $2 ,000 suit?

Well, not counting the trips to Italy for the fittings.

I want that suit.

Michael. I want that suit. I deserve it. I worked hard. I did everything right.

And now, I'll never get to have a suit like that. Never.

Give it to me.

Give it to me.

You can have my leotard. Just let me have the suit.

Michelle Richard, dispose of this myth.

You haven't seen the last of Michael Harris.

I'll be back if not as a mindless...

They think I should sell.

Well, I'm not sure I want to.

A million five.

I have what for brains?

Well, if that's how you feel, love to dad.

She's on the fence.

Oh, how was dinner at Maison Hubert?

Did she have the clams?

Actually, we had a rather unpleasant experience with her estranged beau.

He's an extraordinary mime, visually. Don't get me wrong, but he...

Well, he tends to undercut his performance by crying and screaming

That's the worst kind of mind.

So, any decision about selling me in?

My answer is yes.

And no one, not even my mother, has influenced me in this decision

Marvel.

Well, old man, I'll have my people. It's all your people.

I don't have any people.

Why, I thought everybody had people. Oh, well, with the money you make, you can

buy some people.

Scooter, it's for you.

Libby Harcourt.

How did that conniving she -devil track me down?

You know, Joanna, it just hit me.

We're going to have money. I know.

If we wanted, we could afford a Volvo station wagon.

And I won't have to buy that Civil War chess set one piece at a time.

Oh, what the heck? With a million and a half dollars, I can buy every pewter

thing the Franklin men ever made.

Well, much dash.

Libby wants me back to wrap around her little finger again.

Ah, the simple pleasures of life.

Having a fair -haired maiden by one side and 310 million to roll around in.

Don't you mean 308 .5?

You are still buying me in.

Why, I should think not. The witch is back, so the inn is out.

Hi.

I'm Larry. This is my brother, Daryl.

Scooter Drake? Larry!

Daryl!

Daryl! Oh,

Dick, Dick, Dick. You should have looked closer at Scooter's right buttock.

What are you doing here?

I thought you'd be in Palm Beach for the polo season.

Normally I would, but I had this urge to buy New England in.

Uh -oh, Daryl. He's been shopping.

That could only mean that you and Libby have split up yet again.

You've reconciled. Dear Larry.

I don't know what I'm going to do with you two.

Listen, why don't the three of you motor down with me to the city? The crowd

would love to see you again.

You know, we haven't been to New York since the opening of Phantom.

Come on, Daryl. Let's go choose to see who gets to ride in the trunk.

Thank you.

Well, my scoot, hence the name, do give Steph a bye.

Wait, how about a million three?

I'll even throw in the hand.

It's the simple pleasures of life.

A fair -haired maiden by your side and a

million

flies to roll around.