All language subtitles for Newhart s07e13 Another Saturday Night

Mail call.

Right here.

Here, Ann.

It's for Dick.

Oh, Fudd. Why do we even bother having a
mailbox?

It's a scattered thing.

Boy, Dick, that's some rooster.

It's a hand, George.

Are you sure? It looks more like a
rooster.

Okay, it's a rooster.

You want it?

Wow, thanks!

Look, Joanna, an original unsigned deck.

Nice rooster.

Oh, honey, listen to this. The
Brookville Academy wants me to speak at

commencement ceremonies next Saturday.
Well, that's wonderful.

I don't believe I've ever heard of the
Brookville Academy.

And listen to their motto.

Educating tomorrow's leaders. Not
followers, mind you. Leaders.

Why would they want you to speak? You're
not important.

Stephanie, I'm a successful author and
talk show host.

Yeah?

Maybe somebody lost a bet.

Hi -ho, Loudon, and... Loudon
counterpart.

Hello, Stephanie.

Michael.

So, that thumb bag you've got there,
Michael.

It's for you. It's all the little
mementos you've given me through the

figured you'd want them back now that
we're apart, so... Number one lover?

I didn't give you that.

I bought it for myself.

It was on sale.

Well, it would be silly for you to keep
these things.

After all, we mean nothing to each other
anymore, right?

Right.

Michael, guess who's going to speak at
the Brookville Academy's commencement

ceremonies?

I am.

Hi.

I'm Larry. This is my brother.

Uh -oh, Daryl. I think we may have
wandered in on some smooth boys in

But what can I do for you guys?

We've come to remind you about our
dinner party this Saturday.

Also to tell you to dress casual.

Although Daryl does have strong feelings
about people who wear culottes to

dinner.

Oh, Larry, I'm sorry we can't make it
this Saturday. Dick has a speaking

engagement. As I recall, when we made
these dinner plans four months ago, you

promised to be there.

We should have known you were just
slipping us the old rubber possum.

Come on, Daryl.

Guys, guys, wait.

What if Joanna went alone?

What?

I guess that would be okay.

I don't think so, Daryl. Even though
Miss Joanna will be coming unescorted,

she's still a married woman.

Larry, you know I'd love to go, but Dick
needs me at the graduation to look on

adoringly as he speaks.

Hey, Jojo, what if I go with you?

I don't have a life.

And the unemployment office said I
should never turn down a free meal.

What do you say, Miss Joanna? We'll be
serving most of your favorite

vertebrates.

Then how could I say no?

Great.

Daryl, why don't you watch TV so I can
discuss the dinner menu?

They may have food allergies. We don't
want their throats to swell shut.

You know, Larry, I do seem to have a
slight reaction to jumbo shrimp.

Although regular shrimp doesn't affect
me. And clams, well, don't get me

started. Actually, that was just a
clever ruse so I could explain my

need for company.

See, even though my brothers are more
fun than a barrel of Jan Murray's,

just not deep thinkers.

They'd rather spend their time making
teeth mosaics than discussing anything

relevance.

Kids today, you know, if they're not
watching MTV, they're making tooth art.

Guys, would you like me to turn that TV
on for you?

Oh, John.

Do you find this inspiring?

As you leave these hallowed halls and go
forth... I don't want to hear it.

Because of you, I may have to eat beetle
tonight.

I understand it tastes like chicken.

Honey, would you stop worrying?

You'll have a great time.

All you have to do is believe in
yourself.

And if you believe in yourself, you can
climb any mountain.

Forward any stream.

Follow any... What the hell are you
talking about?

Oh, it's from my speech.

Were you inspired?

Yeah. To get a gun.

Salutations, Dick.

And, Date, are you ready for a
scrumptious dinner of God knows what?

Ready as I'll ever be. Been coating my
stomach since this morning.

Now, listen up, Michael.

I want Joanna home at a decent hour, and
I don't want her walking in here with

her blouse misbuttoned.

Don't worry, sir. I'll have your spouse
and her blouse in the house by 11.

Good, good lad.

Well, I'm off to enlighten the future
leaders of America.

John, aren't you going to wish me luck?

Are you going to be eating bugs for
dinner tonight?

Night, honey.

Don't you have a home?

I'm here to escort Joanna to Larry,
Daryl, and Daryl's for an evening of

dining and highbrow conversation.

You ready? We better get there before
our dinner slithers off.

waddles off.

Good night, Stephanie.

Watch out for him. He likes to touch
your thigh when he's shifting.

I'll sit in the back.

Hi, Stephanie. What are you doing?

having a much better time than Michael
and Joanna could possibly have in a

million years.

Oh, sorry I interrupted.

Oh, George, wait.

It's just that this is the first
Saturday night since I was 13 that I

had a date.

Oh, you don't need a date to have fun on
a Saturday night. I hardly ever go out,

and I have lots of fun.

Really? What do you do?

Well, first... I make a big bowl of
popcorn, sometimes with Mrs. Dash and

sometimes with Molly McButter.

Then I plant myself in front of the TV
and eat until I'm so full I see dots.

Then I wash it down with a gallon of
scotch.

How many times must I tell you the
chipmunk fork goes to the right?

Our guests have arrived.

Daryl, put that joy buzzer away.

There'll be no novelty items tonight.

And that includes wax lips.

I'm Lawrence. This is my good brother,
Daryl. And this is my other good

Daryl.

Hey, guys.

Nice dig. Not half as weird as I thought
it'd be.

Thank you. We appreciate the backhanded
compliments.

Miss Joanna, you're being in real
estate. You'd be qualified to help us.

Daryl's been batting around the idea of
putting our home on the market.

What do you think our little nest would
fetch?

Well, the land alone is worth at least
$30 ,000.

And the combination of land and house?

17 tops.

Before dinner, we thought we'd start
with cocktails.

Oh, sounds great. I'll have a margarita.

Bloody Mary.

Listen to that, Daryl. Miss Joanna and
Michael named their cocktails.

What an interesting, albeit eccentric,
custom.

supposed to eat these?

I don't know. Let me try a little improv
here.

To the swamp.

To the swamp.

To the swamp.

Well,

if we're all done with our cocktails,
I'll go get the finger sandwiches.

like doing after cocktails?

Holding our hands up to make sure all
our fingers are there.

Okay, Larry. Bring on the finger
sandwiches.

Wonder what she'll do when we serve the
rump roast.

graduates have achieved a higher degree
of academic excellence than ever before.

It's our hope that your speech will
inspire them to even greater heights.

Well, you know, this is my first
commencement address, so I won't be as

as, say, Lee Iacocca or Bill Buckley.

Oh.

Well, just do your best.

That's all we ask of our students, so
that's all we can ask of you.

Sort of an A for effort.

We'll see.

Now, if you'll just take a seat.

Did you even try to get Iacocca or
Buckley?

They wanted money.

Well, I just hate scraping bottom like
this.

He's tough.

Oh, he's tough, but good.

Because of him, 90 % of our students end
up as heads of major corporations

before they're 27.

Wow.

How did I get this job? Did somebody
lose a bet?

Sure. Rub it in.

Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and
welcome to Brookville Academy.

I am Dean Dagman.

And it's a great honor for me to
introduce to you the graduating class of

Hit me.

Gee, for a wine you said tasted like
swill, you're sure sucking it back.

Well, I was too quick to judge. This
wine has a personality that's not

immediately evident.

That's what my mother used to say about
me.

Oh, look.

There's a picture of Michael and me on
that picnic in the forest.

We had to fire our Mater D because he
placed our blanket on an incline.

Hey, you want to make a volcano out of
baking soda and vinegar?

Here we are at the amusement park.

They kicked us out because we stayed too
long in the House of Mirrors.

And here we are in the rowboat on Lake
Winnipeg.

It... It started to pour, and Michael
had to row the boat ashore.

Hallelujah.

You know, I'm usually not one to give my
opinion unless I'm asked, but

you're not acting like the Stephanie I
know.

You mean I'm usually not a drunken sot?

No, you're usually not so pathetic.

Wouldn't you feel sorry for yourself if
Michael broke up with you?

I'd be heartbroken.

I suppose, like Pagliacci, I'd hide my
deep sorrow behind the mask of

the happy handyman.

But then I'd be plenty P .O .ed.

I mean, the nerve of that Michael
dumping a sweet guy like me.

You're right.

Michael broke up with me. I should be
furious with him.

Who do you think you are, you out -of
-work clothes whore?

I don't need you in that damn rowboat.

Oh, you ripped his head off.

I'm just getting warmed up.

Miss Joanna, how did you enjoy your
entree?

What was it again?

It was a little recipe passed down from
my great -uncle Daryl and my other great

-uncle Daryl.

Something old, something new. Something
borrowed, something dead.

Well, I'm glad to see you included
something from each of the four major

groups.

You gonna eat those quills?

Enjoy.

Thanks, Uncle.

Let's take these home for a late night
suck.

Well, I guess it's time to begin our
intellectual discussion.

Yeah, there they go again. Anytime they
hear the word intellectual, they throw

themselves into their teeth.

Now, are there any issues or topics
you're particularly fond of?

Etymology?

Theosophy?

Physics?

Well, as long as I don't have to turn my
head and cough.

I'll start the ball rolling by throwing
out a question.

What's your opinion on the Big Bang
Theory?

Well, uh, there are so many schools of
thought.

Personally, I think they're fine if you
have a high forehead.

Excuse me.

Do you feel as dumb as I do?

Yeah. It seems I overestimated the
caliber of Miss Joanna and Michael's

intelligence.

I know now that I shouldn't have looked
elsewhere for intellectual stimulation

when all along it was right here in my
own backyard.

Our problem now is what to do about our
guests.

Good thinking, Daryl. You go get ready.

i guess you two are brain tired from our
mental workout why don't we take a

break a break is good my brothers will
now entertain you with a musical

interlude

Good luck, Dylan.

You'll be a fine asset to Merrill Lynch.

And now I would like to introduce our
guest speaker, novelist and talk show

host, Mr.

Richard Loudon.

Thank you, Dean Deckman. Actually, I'm
not a novelist. I write how -to books.

I have created some memorable novel
-like characters, like Mr.

Spivak, the knowledgeable hardware store
owner.

Or Mrs.

Sadakoy, the well -meaning but daffy
plumber's assistant.

Get on with it. You're losing the...
Graduates of Brookville Academy.

As you go forth into college,

kindergarten,

you'll look back on these years, a year,

with a great sense of nostalgia.

That means you'll, like, remember all
the fun stuff.

See, I...

I thought you kids would be older, so a
lot of my speech doesn't...

All right.

Who shot the spitball?

You may think that's funny, but, you
know, you can... A person can lose an

Of course, you know, it'd have to be
spit real hard.

You know, kids, there are two paths that
you can take in life.

The one path... like the one taken by
the anonymous spitballer, can lead to a

life of crime and possible imprisonment.

The other path, I'll call the path of
goodness,

can lead to a life of happiness.

So it's up to you to decide which path
you'd like to take.

Thank you, and that concludes my speech.

Mr. Loudon, that was a wonderfully brief
speech.

Not bad for a how -to writer, huh?

Well, you get what you pay for.

Now, since we were all so inspired by
Mr. Loudon, I think it only appropriate

that he now lead us in the singing of
our school song.

Dean, Dean, Dean Dackman, I don't know
your school song.

Bingo was his name -o.

B -I -N -G -O.

B -I -N -G -O. B -I -N -G -O.

And bingo was his name -o.

Farmer had a dog and bingo was his name
-o.

I -N -G -O.

I -N -G -O.

I -N -G -O. And bingo was his name -o.