Original subtitles

George, you're in room four to the left.

Well... Honey, I have incredible news.

Dick, guess what that is.

Off the top of my head, I'm guessing a woman.

Honey, I just got off the phone with... Dick, that's our 4 ,998th guest to check

in.

Honey, don't you think we're pushing the occupancy limit a little?

Two more check -ins, and it'll be our 5 ,000th guest since we bought the

Stratford. Really?

5 ,000?

Let's see. There was the Johnsons, the Lustikoffs.

Yep, 5 ,000.

Well, this is a big occasion.

We should have a celebration.

That'd be neat.

We could have a big cake.

Yeah, and confetti.

Maybe a little gift. And confetti.

And a plaque.

And confetti. All right, George.

Dick. How many times do I get to say confetti in this place?

I mean, this is really exciting.

So, Dick, tell us your news.

Oh, I just got off the phone with my publisher, and guess who's coming here

illustrate my new book?

Who?

Corrine Denby.

Oh, that's nice.

Well, you know, it would have been exciting if I didn't have to follow that

,000 gift thing.

Don't worry, Dick. I'll get enough confetti for both.

Honey, you remember Corrine Denby. She's the best illustrator in the business.

I mean, imagine her and me working together.

It's like a veritable who's who of how to.

Yes, I remember who she is, Dick. You always go on and on about how talented

is. Like she was God's gift to captions.

Like some sort of Joan of Art.

And whenever I talk about her, you always get that face.

Like that one now.

Actually, Dick, I'm really glad.

You're finally getting the chance to work alone in a room with an incredibly

dynamic woman you find totally fascinating. Really, I'm happy.

I guess she's going off to beam in private.

Joanna, I think I got enough confetti.

George, don't you think that's a little much? I mean, you dump that on someone

you're liable to snap their spine.

It was a bargain, Dick.

Five dollars for the whole bag.

Boy, that is cheap.

Yeah, I hope they're not irregulars.

Oh, wait a minute. That stuff isn't trained to go back in the bag, is it?

No. Well, then I think we should go with the standard confetti rule.

You throw it, you clean it up.

You know, there's just two more. More check -ins before the 5 ,000th guest. So

what's our signal going to be? How about, uh, hey, everybody, it's the 5

guest.

Might work.

All right, I'm here.

Hi,

you must be Corrine. I'm Dick Loudon. Hi.

My, this is very... Charming.

Very quaint. You do have indoor plumbing.

And this is my wife, Joanna.

And our handyman, George.

Nice to meet you, Corinne. Or should I say 4 ,999.

What? You just missed being our 5 ,000th guest to stay here in the Stratford.

And having about a ton of confetti dumped on you.

Well, always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

This is great. I'm a huge, huge fan of yours.

I love the illustrated history of car interiors. I mean, your drawing of the

Mustang was so lifelike that when I finally saw the real thing, that third

dimension ruined it for me.

The publisher sent me some of your Mr. Fix -It books.

Yeah, and?

I didn't bother to read them yet.

George, you're going to be in room two, upstairs to the right.

Thank you.

I guess after that long trip, you'll want to go up to your room and draw a

You'll have to use that.

In the book after this one.

Here's the proud innkeeper and innkeepess.

Michael, what are you doing here? I think this 5 ,000th guest thing is a

event in this town. It's not like we're blessed with random killings to fill the

news every night.

And I'll be covering it from the first Roman candle till you've tarod your last

boom -de -ay.

Michael, there is no band and no boom -de -ay.

Oh, really, Dick? How are you going to celebrate? Give the guy a noogie?

We have confetti.

Wow. Down, you goosebumps.

So, uh, where are four art fives now?

coming up the walk and he's got 5 ,000 guests written all over him. Okay, this

is it. Everybody get ready. Here we go.

Please, God of ratings, let him be good looking.

George, if he's not, hide him in a flurry of confetti. Right, Michael.

Hey!

how to get to Red Meadow Lane.

What? You're not here to check in?

No.

Red Meadow Lane is two miles down past the fire station.

Thank you. Give me the gift card.

Why? Because that's for our 5 ,000th guest, which we thought you were.

Well, am I any special number of people who come by and ask for directions? No.

Next time, I'm not going to have any enthusiasm.

Oh, that could have been me.

Good morning, Corinne. Oh, so you're Corinne. Hi, I'm Michael Harris.

Dick says you're about the greatest thing to come into his life in a long,

time.

Oh, sorry, Jojo.

I'll just be outside getting some establishing shots.

Well, I'm ready to get started. If you are, I just want to tell you again how

excited I am about our collaboration.

Oh, yeah, me too.

My accountant said that this could be just the thing to pay off my back taxes.

Well, let me show you the room where you'll be paying them off. I had

George move your drawing board.

but you can put it anywhere you want.

What?

It's a show.

And it's great.

I think I've come up with the perfect title for this book.

Another one?

Let's build a media room.

Let's do better.

You've shot down every title I pitched.

Well, it's only because I'm shooting for something a little different.

Something good.

I don't think your shelf is so great.

Oh, come on. You'd feel a lot worse if I said I liked your stuff and I didn't.

Try me.

Could

you

please... The tapping, please.

What?

Well, you know, it's funny, but any other time I really enjoy listening to

annoying, relentless noise.

Okay, how about this one?

Today's storage closet is tomorrow's media room.

That's okay.

Yeah, that's pretty good, isn't it?

Oh, great. Now let's wait some time gloating.

What are you doing?

I'm singling my compatriots in a waiting sub.

Look, this room is kind of small, and I think the smoke will irritate me.

So?

So don't do it.

But I'll get cranky.

I'm afraid that foursome has already teed off.

Now, cute.

Cuter.

Cutest.

Oh, that's incredible, Steph.

I know. Even I'm amazed at my reign.

What are you doing?

It's a video vignette of my muffin in motion.

So future generations will know there was a time when people actually looked

this good.

Hey, JoJo, why don't you get into the shot?

Michael. For contrast cover.

camera puts ten pounds on you.

Cut!

What's that?

Michael, you put ten pounds on a petite and she looked like someone who should

wear one of those bathing suits with a skirt.

George, where have you been? Mr. Shepard should be checking in any minute.

Oh, Stephanie used a vacuum cleaner to pick up the confetti.

I've been trying to pick out the confetti from the...

Plain garbage.

I think I'll ask Dick if he could help me with this.

Oh, he's busy, George.

He's in there with the greatest person to come into his life in a long time.

Get out of my office. Gladly.

And take your filthy cigarettes with you.

And you can tap your pencil straight to hell.

demon come down for breakfast yet?

No, and you don't have to put on that I hate her act anymore.

Honey, this isn't an act.

I despise her. She criticizes everything I write. I mean nothing.

Well, something about Miss Denby must inspire you because this is some of your

best work.

Okay, okay. What we wrote was really good.

I keep thinking about all the pretty good things I could have written in the

five years she's taken off my life.

Besides, I discovered I have a hidden talent.

What are these?

Those are illustrations for the book.

Of what?

Of a media room. You see the built -ins?

Dick, do shelves have cheeks?

Good morning, guys.

Hey, these are great.

Thank you, George.

Sure. Did the kid who's staying in room three do them?

Okay, so I need her.

I knew it.

What? I knew you couldn't stay away from her for long.

Dick, is this supposed to be an elephant in a hamper?

It's work in progress, George.

Isn't very far along, is it?

Were you planning to throw me out hungry?

Would you like some coffee?

Sure.

No cream, no sugar, no poison.

Well, we acted pretty rotten and edgy in that room yesterday.

Especially you.

I've been looking over the work we've done and we did some pretty damn good

work. Especially me.

So I think we should go back there and try to be tolerant of each other's

habits.

I think we can finish this and have something we're both going to be proud

Well, I guess we could give it another shot.

I mean, I've already spent the advance.

So let's go in there and be nice.

so I can get the hell out of here.

Great.

The kid in room three?

Yeah, yeah, he's pretty good.

George,

have you been up here the whole time?

Not the whole time, Joanna.

I went to the dining room and swiped a piece of the cake.

I just couldn't take it anymore.

That's okay, George.

Well, here's a stupid question.

Did I miss anything?

You're still stuck at 4 ,999.

Maybe I should change this 5 ,000th customer coverage into a report on the

state of a country inn on the out.

Has the Stratford become a deathbed in breakfast?

Oh, by the way, Jojo, George took a piece of cake.

There's two people coming up to walk with luggage.

Okay, let's get this 5 ,000 guest thing over with. But after this, no more

counting.

Let's keep driving.

Honey, this looks like a nice place. Let's check in.

We promise we'll make your stay a special one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sign in.

Aunt Lydia's by five. You know how you feel about her.

Yeah. The sooner we get there, the sooner we're going to leave.

Besides, this place is falling apart. The paint is peeling.

Maybe we should have told them they were the 5 ,000th guest.

It would have been a hollow victory.

get you a a cup of cough oh that's very kind of you but i'd be more than happy

to get it for myself please please it it would be it would be

my pleasure

I don't think your drawing table was designed for this.

Why don't I... I'll just hold it for you. Oh, yeah.

No, that's okay. I'll manage.

See?

You're incredible.

This is great coffee. It's great.

You drink it great.

That's okay.

What do you think of this?

Store your tapes an adequate distance from your speaker magnets, or when you

to use the tape, you may draw a blank.

That's brilliant.

Tremendous. I mean, I've got to hand it to you. That tapping really paid off.

I think the whole smoking part of these things is overrated.

Why don't you... Why don't you go ahead and light one up? Here.

Huh?

Allow me.

You know, that diagram is a classic. I'm going to change my sentence to

describe that hinge.

No,

no, no, no. Don't you touch that genius sentence.

It's very easy for me to erase this hinge.

But it's a brilliant hinge. I mean, it jumps off the page at you. I can

almost hear it squeaking.

Oh, it's not annoying you, is it? No, no, no.

Please, let me... Let me change my sentence.

Okay, great.

You know,

Corinne, I have to hand it to you. I mean, you've been so sweet

and terrific.

I mean, just look at all the work we've done. You know, everything is so...

Is it just me, or is all this stuff blech?

Well, as long as we're being honest and let's... I mean, this drawing

wouldn't even get me into a matchbook art school.

Yeah, this getting along stuff is making me bad.

It's also making me sick.

It's just not clicking the way it used to.

So take that pile of pages and rip it into something that I can read without

retching. I will as soon as you take that filthy cigarette.

have to break your stride. Fine!

Ginny, tap her!

I'm beginning to think you really don't like her.

Well, at least the book is finished and she's gone.

Dick, Dick, uh...

The

cab driver told me that the airport was fogged in. I can't...

You have to check in again.

Yeah.

Pinch me.

Get the 5 ,000.