Original subtitles

Hi, George.

Why the long face?

Well, I know this is going to sound kind of silly coming from me, but I'm

homesick.

George, you grew up in this house. How can you... How can you be homesick when

you're home?

Yeah, this inn is virtually the same as it was when you were a kid.

Except for you two being around.

Well, do you want us to leave the room?

No, no, I just feel kind of nostalgic.

I miss sledding down Bleaker's Hill on my flexible flyer.

I miss the smell of my dog after a rain.

And I miss my mom's special homemade pudding.

Well, there are four houses at the bottom of Bleaker's Hill now, and since

don't really want to smell a wet dog...

Why don't I try to make you that special pudding?

Really? Sure, what's the name of it? George's favorite pudding.

Well, that's what my mom called it.

It was also called Indian pudding. I remember because whenever my mom asked

wanted any, I'd always say, and how?

Well, it cracked my mom up.

George, I'm going to look in my cookbook.

Find the recipe for Indian pudding and whip up a batch for you. You'd do that

for me?

Yeah, you'd do that for him.

Remember last week when I asked you to make me some Yankee pot roast?

Well, here, Dick, but this isn't three in the morning.

Besides, this sounds like fun.

Boy, I really used to love that stuff.

I ate a bowl of it every day until I got sick of it.

And after only 40 years, the craving is back.

Well, if you want me, I'll be in the kitchen stirring up some memories.

George, when she comes back, would you also tell her you have a craving for

Yankee pot roast?

I think she'll see right through that one, Dick.

Hey, Dick, look at it.

Notice anything?

And here's why. I've come up with a great new idea for a TV series.

How about a home shopping show?

Michael, I don't know how to break this to you, but there already are quite a

few home shopping shows.

Dick, where do you expect me to get my ideas? Make them up?

But this one is unique because it would be starring one of the most exciting

personalities to ever push a painting of poker -playing pooches.

My Little Muffin.

Stephanie Vann, as in Vanna.

Dirk Yellen. Pretty exciting, huh, Dick?

I definitely felt a chill.

It's the job she was born to do. Her total lack of marketable skills makes

natural.

It's perfect.

The combination of me and shopping.

Is God involved or what?

When does this whole incredible thing kick off? As soon as we get you to agree

to do it.

Agree to do what?

To co -host the show.

We have an absolute go -ahead from Bev, Penny, and okay from you. And as I

recall, not two minutes ago, the idea gave you chills.

Talk about wild mood swings.

Michael, I want to do this very, very, very badly.

Dick, you heard her. Three verys.

Michael, I hate home shopping shows.

Dick, let me get this straight. Just because you hate something, does this

you won't take money to do it?

Yes.

How do you talk to somebody like that?

Hi, Dick.

Hi. Hi, Stephanie.

I'll bet you're wondering what brings me into your dreary little study on a nice

day like this when I don't have to be here.

No, actually, I have a pretty good idea of why you came in here.

Your pen holder is a little far away.

Let me move it for you.

Thanks, Stephanie.

I also moved the pen holder on the registration desk closer to where you

stand. Now, will you do the shopping show with me?

No. I've tried to do all those favors for you.

Dick, you've got to do it. Never in my life have I ever been refused anything

before. I might die.

I'm up to tempting fate.

I'd hoped it wouldn't come to this, but as your employee, I am saddened to

announce that unless you co -host the show with me, I'm going to be forced to

initiate a work slowdown.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

Let me know when it starts.

home shopping show.

Nice performance, Steph.

Dick,

it would mean a lot to me.

I don't let many people see me throbbing gently this way.

I appreciate that, and I'm sorry.

All right, Dick, I'm turtling with you. You're forcing me to fight dirty.

Leave, Dick.

Well, okay.

The key here is to ad -lib. Just say wonderful things about the product until

the phone goes nuts.

Just have fun with it.

Michael!

Here, watch while I practice pointing at items.

Wow, Steph, you're my magic muffin.

Okay, kids, places.

In three, two...

I'm Dick Love.

And I'm Stephanie Vanderkellen, and I hope everyone is ready to shop their

brains out today.

So, let's get right to our fabulous first item.

The ceramic unicorn lamp.

As you can see, it's perfect for having something to...

To turn on, you know, when you walk in, into a... Into

a dark, dark room.

See, on... Off.

On... Off.

So, you know, call in now and order one if you...

You'd think you might conceivably want one.

So, while we wait for those calls, here's Stephanie with another value.

That's right, Dick.

It's this one -piece plastic chip -and -dip platter, which is called the

Globetrotter because it has all these tacky little sailboat stencils on it.

It's probably just perfect for the kind of people who would watch a show like

this.

the best part.

It's only $9 .88. Even you poor people can afford one.

Hi, you're shopping your brains out with Stephanie Vanderkellen.

Hi, I'm Monty from Burlington.

Here's Dick with our next item.

Thanks. Thanks, Stephanie.

The next item is this stunning

gorilla pen.

As you can see, the eyes and the nostrils are clusters of something

cylindric...

It's really... It's...

You could wear this too.

So, you know, if it's something you want, I guess... I guess you might as

well...

Phone right in.

Dick, can I interrupt here for a moment? I'm getting to all your calls for the

chip and dips as fast as I can. Please be patient.

Well, all my lines are open.

Remember, it's genuine cylindric dimocron.

That's almost as rare as glass.

Ask me to take a pass at this unicorn lamp.

Okay.

I'll admit, it's a little gaudy.

But believe me, a lot of you who are watching right now have more than your

share of gaudy items in your home.

And I really don't think that buying one more is going to kill you.

I bet the light will reflect really nicely off those polyester slipcovers.

Watch me as I pose with it in a variety of interesting ways.

Yes, you're on the air.

Hi. Can I speak to the girl?

Sure.

Yes,

who's this?

Ken from Montpelier.

Hi, Ken. Do you like the pose I'm doing?

You need any gorilla pins today, Ken?

What does the girl think? Does she like them?

Sure, they're okay.

Fine, I'll take two.

Great, great. They're terrific, aren't they?

Make that one.

What are you reading?

A book on salesmanship.

worked. You bought one, didn't you?

Oh, come on, Dick.

You're taking this whole thing much too seriously.

Just because Stephanie sold more unicorn lamps than you did?

And more gold chains.

And more party canisters.

And more gorilla pins. I mean, that's what really hurt this stupid, stupid

gorilla pins.

Dick, you never even wanted to be a salesman.

Yeah, but I wanted to be an ineffectual salesman even less.

You know, I've been looking at that loudmouth guy on television that does

stereo ad.

Looney, Looney Lenny.

I've started looking at him with a new set of eyes. He is damn good.

Hi, George.

Guess what? I have a batch of something special for you.

The pudding?

Wow, this is so exciting. Dick, do you mind if I sit in the exact place I sat

a kid?

Fine with me, George.

You're in it.

Oh, gee, this feels good.

I've been missing this spot all the years you've been hogging it.

Here you go, George.

Oh, thanks.

It smells just right. Great.

Joanna, this is absolutely delicious.

Oh, good. I can't tell you how relieved I am. Yeah, I've never tasted anything

like it.

Huh? Yeah, it's nothing like the pudding my mom made.

Well, that's okay, George.

I only made the one vat.

Don't feel bad, Joanna.

It's almost exactly like it. It's just that yours is too thick.

The two maple walnutty needs more vanilla, and I don't remember this

You can have your seat back now, Dick.

George, don't you worry. I am not going to rest until I make that exact pudding

that you had as a boy.

Well, I'm never going to get my Yankee pot roast.

Don't worry, Dick. It probably won't taste like you're expecting anyway.

Congratulations, Dick.

For what?

For being part of the most entertaining show to hit the Vermont area since Miss

Teenage Vermont lost a strap.

The station is thrilled, and everywhere we go, people on the street are smiling

and waving at my little spelling sweetie.

I'm Larry, this is my brother Daryl, and this is my other brother Daryl.

Miss Stephanie, we always enjoy everything that you do, but you were

stunning than in your TV debut.

You made us laugh, you made us cry, you made us buy about a ton of cylindric

Dimocron.

May we present, for your mid -morning pleasure, our impressions of the

constellations.

First, the Big Dipper.

Next, the Little Dipper.

Very nice, fellas, but Steph and I have to be going now.

Michael, let's call up a nice restaurant and use my new celebrity status to bump

somebody who already has a reservation.

Okay. Big finish. Daryl.

Shooting stars.

Dick, here's your breakfast.

Pudding.

I guess there's no problem if I want to have some more of this.

You're not still reading that.

Honey, it can't hurt to brush up on some sales techniques. It could help me on

the show and in everyday life.

Right. Just don't become obsessed with it.

Time for another Looney Lenny commercial.

So, how's my on -camera cutie today?

Michael, people came up to me while I was buying cream rinse.

But, Steph, you like that. They're your fans.

But now everybody thinks they can talk to me.

Michael, farmers talk to me.

on the air today, I'm going to make an announcement that only pleasant -looking

people can come up to me.

Uh, Steph, this is just a guess, but I think that could affect fail.

Well, we can talk about this later. It's just a minute to air.

I'm tired. Could we do the show later today?

Sorry, Steph, no can change schedule.

Hey, hey, how's everybody doing?

Chip and dip platters.

Well, what is this?

I don't know what it is, but I love it and I can sell a million of them.

Oh, Michael, yeah, let Dick go first.

Dick, I guess you've seen your first item. Seen it and loved it, pal.

Let's play ball.

Shopping, shopping, shopping, shopping, shopping, shopping.

Hi, and welcome to Vermont's first and only home shopping show. And me, I'm

strange. Dickie Loudon.

And why am I strange?

Well, wait until you see my prices.

You're not only going to think I'm strange, you're going to think I'm

Let's take a look at our first item. This metallically decorated plastic ball

will turn any ordinary gathering into the gale event of a lifetime.

And that's not all. This ball is completely studded with genuine

dimocron. I'm talking enough cylindric dimocron to choke a horse or to make a

horse a choker.

for as much as $29 .95. But Dickie Loudon says that price is all wet.

Excuse me, Dick. Hey, everyone, look who's here. It's that wacky babe of

home shopping, Miss Stephanie Landerkellen. Give her a hand.

I wasn't going to say this because I know how much our viewers enjoy me and

I mean the world to them and everything.

But I really can't go on doing this. I mean, I'm bored of selling these things.

And besides, it's not fair to make me touch them.

It's probably a good idea for me to quit the show before I start to lose my good

taste. I mean, look what happened to this man.

That's all.

Goodbye. Love ya.

a lot of great values for you today. People say to me, Dickie Loudon, how do

get away with it?

How do you make a profit with some of the prices you charge? Are you deranged?

Are you nuts? And I tell them, yeah!

Why else would I sell, sell you this Confederate soldier cookie jar with his

leg studded with a miracle of cylindrical dimocron for only $19 .95?

me correctly, $19 .95.

Excuse me, Dick. I have to interrupt here for a second. Michael, you don't

interrupt a crazy man when he's got rebel cookie jars to sell.

I'm sorry, Dick, but the show has been canceled.

But what?

But what?

Well, Dick, we have to be realistic. Without Stephanie, there's no show.

Well, Michael, I think... I think strange Dickie Loudon is really...

We now switch to a rerun of Pearl's Kitchen with her omelet already in

Michael, I can't believe you. You talked me into doing a show that I hate, and

then I get excited about it, and then you yank it away from me. Well, I'll

you what, Dick, just so we're all square, the disco ball, it's all yours.

Now that it's all over, I know I should feel relieved, but somehow I feel like

I've failed.

Well, you did fail, Dick. That might account for part of it.

Who would I talk to about the fact that the horn is coming loose on my unicorn

lamp?

Here you go, George.

Batch number five.

By the way, I'm sorry about that force -feeding episode with batch number four.

The color looks right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got the color right three batches ago. Just eat.

Wow.

Joanna, this is it. Really?

There's no mistaking that flavor.

This is it exactly.

I did it. I did it. Yep, you sure did.

That's mom's pudding.

And I'm still sick of it.