All language subtitles for Newhart s06e18 Attention WPIV Shoppers

Hi, George.

Why the long face?

Well, I know this is going to sound kind
of silly coming from me, but I'm

homesick.

George, you grew up in this house. How
can you... How can you be homesick when

you're home?

Yeah, this inn is virtually the same as
it was when you were a kid.

Except for you two being around.

Well, do you want us to leave the room?

No, no, I just feel kind of nostalgic.

I miss sledding down Bleaker's Hill on
my flexible flyer.

I miss the smell of my dog after a rain.

And I miss my mom's special homemade
pudding.

Well, there are four houses at the
bottom of Bleaker's Hill now, and since

don't really want to smell a wet dog...

Why don't I try to make you that special
pudding?

Really? Sure, what's the name of it?
George's favorite pudding.

Well, that's what my mom called it.

It was also called Indian pudding. I
remember because whenever my mom asked

wanted any, I'd always say, and how?

Well, it cracked my mom up.

George, I'm going to look in my
cookbook.

Find the recipe for Indian pudding and
whip up a batch for you. You'd do that

for me?

Yeah, you'd do that for him.

Remember last week when I asked you to
make me some Yankee pot roast?

Well, here, Dick, but this isn't three
in the morning.

Besides, this sounds like fun.

Boy, I really used to love that stuff.

I ate a bowl of it every day until I got
sick of it.

And after only 40 years, the craving is
back.

Well, if you want me, I'll be in the
kitchen stirring up some memories.

George, when she comes back, would you
also tell her you have a craving for

Yankee pot roast?

I think she'll see right through that
one, Dick.

Hey, Dick, look at it.

Notice anything?

And here's why. I've come up with a
great new idea for a TV series.

How about a home shopping show?

Michael, I don't know how to break this
to you, but there already are quite a

few home shopping shows.

Dick, where do you expect me to get my
ideas? Make them up?

But this one is unique because it would
be starring one of the most exciting

personalities to ever push a painting of
poker -playing pooches.

My Little Muffin.

Stephanie Vann, as in Vanna.

Dirk Yellen. Pretty exciting, huh, Dick?

I definitely felt a chill.

It's the job she was born to do. Her
total lack of marketable skills makes

natural.

It's perfect.

The combination of me and shopping.

Is God involved or what?

When does this whole incredible thing
kick off? As soon as we get you to agree

to do it.

Agree to do what?

To co -host the show.

We have an absolute go -ahead from Bev,
Penny, and okay from you. And as I

recall, not two minutes ago, the idea
gave you chills.

Talk about wild mood swings.

Michael, I want to do this very, very,
very badly.

Dick, you heard her. Three verys.

Michael, I hate home shopping shows.

Dick, let me get this straight. Just
because you hate something, does this

you won't take money to do it?

Yes.

How do you talk to somebody like that?

Hi, Dick.

Hi. Hi, Stephanie.

I'll bet you're wondering what brings me
into your dreary little study on a nice

day like this when I don't have to be
here.

No, actually, I have a pretty good idea
of why you came in here.

Your pen holder is a little far away.

Let me move it for you.

Thanks, Stephanie.

I also moved the pen holder on the
registration desk closer to where you

stand. Now, will you do the shopping
show with me?

No. I've tried to do all those favors
for you.

Dick, you've got to do it. Never in my
life have I ever been refused anything

before. I might die.

I'm up to tempting fate.

I'd hoped it wouldn't come to this, but
as your employee, I am saddened to

announce that unless you co -host the
show with me, I'm going to be forced to

initiate a work slowdown.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

Let me know when it starts.

home shopping show.

Nice performance, Steph.

Dick,

it would mean a lot to me.

I don't let many people see me throbbing
gently this way.

I appreciate that, and I'm sorry.

All right, Dick, I'm turtling with you.
You're forcing me to fight dirty.

Leave, Dick.

Well, okay.

The key here is to ad -lib. Just say
wonderful things about the product until

the phone goes nuts.

Just have fun with it.

Michael!

Here, watch while I practice pointing at
items.

Wow, Steph, you're my magic muffin.

Okay, kids, places.

In three, two...

I'm Dick Love.

And I'm Stephanie Vanderkellen, and I
hope everyone is ready to shop their

brains out today.

So, let's get right to our fabulous
first item.

The ceramic unicorn lamp.

As you can see, it's perfect for having
something to...

To turn on, you know, when you walk in,
into a... Into

a dark, dark room.

See, on... Off.

On... Off.

So, you know, call in now and order one
if you...

You'd think you might conceivably want
one.

So, while we wait for those calls,
here's Stephanie with another value.

That's right, Dick.

It's this one -piece plastic chip -and
-dip platter, which is called the

Globetrotter because it has all these
tacky little sailboat stencils on it.

It's probably just perfect for the kind
of people who would watch a show like

this.

the best part.

It's only $9 .88. Even you poor people
can afford one.

Hi, you're shopping your brains out with
Stephanie Vanderkellen.

Hi, I'm Monty from Burlington.

Here's Dick with our next item.

Thanks. Thanks, Stephanie.

The next item is this stunning

gorilla pen.

As you can see, the eyes and the
nostrils are clusters of something

cylindric...

It's really... It's...

You could wear this too.

So, you know, if it's something you
want, I guess... I guess you might as

well...

Phone right in.

Dick, can I interrupt here for a moment?
I'm getting to all your calls for the

chip and dips as fast as I can. Please
be patient.

Well, all my lines are open.

Remember, it's genuine cylindric
dimocron.

That's almost as rare as glass.

Ask me to take a pass at this unicorn
lamp.

Okay.

I'll admit, it's a little gaudy.

But believe me, a lot of you who are
watching right now have more than your

share of gaudy items in your home.

And I really don't think that buying one
more is going to kill you.

I bet the light will reflect really
nicely off those polyester slipcovers.

Watch me as I pose with it in a variety
of interesting ways.

Yes, you're on the air.

Hi. Can I speak to the girl?

Sure.

Yes,

who's this?

Ken from Montpelier.

Hi, Ken. Do you like the pose I'm doing?

You need any gorilla pins today, Ken?

What does the girl think? Does she like
them?

Sure, they're okay.

Fine, I'll take two.

Great, great. They're terrific, aren't
they?

Make that one.

What are you reading?

A book on salesmanship.

worked. You bought one, didn't you?

Oh, come on, Dick.

You're taking this whole thing much too
seriously.

Just because Stephanie sold more unicorn
lamps than you did?

And more gold chains.

And more party canisters.

And more gorilla pins. I mean, that's
what really hurt this stupid, stupid

gorilla pins.

Dick, you never even wanted to be a
salesman.

Yeah, but I wanted to be an ineffectual
salesman even less.

You know, I've been looking at that
loudmouth guy on television that does

stereo ad.

Looney, Looney Lenny.

I've started looking at him with a new
set of eyes. He is damn good.

Hi, George.

Guess what? I have a batch of something
special for you.

The pudding?

Wow, this is so exciting. Dick, do you
mind if I sit in the exact place I sat

a kid?

Fine with me, George.

You're in it.

Oh, gee, this feels good.

I've been missing this spot all the
years you've been hogging it.

Here you go, George.

Oh, thanks.

It smells just right. Great.

Joanna, this is absolutely delicious.

Oh, good. I can't tell you how relieved
I am. Yeah, I've never tasted anything

like it.

Huh? Yeah, it's nothing like the pudding
my mom made.

Well, that's okay, George.

I only made the one vat.

Don't feel bad, Joanna.

It's almost exactly like it. It's just
that yours is too thick.

The two maple walnutty needs more
vanilla, and I don't remember this

You can have your seat back now, Dick.

George, don't you worry. I am not going
to rest until I make that exact pudding

that you had as a boy.

Well, I'm never going to get my Yankee
pot roast.

Don't worry, Dick. It probably won't
taste like you're expecting anyway.

Congratulations, Dick.

For what?

For being part of the most entertaining
show to hit the Vermont area since Miss

Teenage Vermont lost a strap.

The station is thrilled, and everywhere
we go, people on the street are smiling

and waving at my little spelling
sweetie.

I'm Larry, this is my brother Daryl, and
this is my other brother Daryl.

Miss Stephanie, we always enjoy
everything that you do, but you were

stunning than in your TV debut.

You made us laugh, you made us cry, you
made us buy about a ton of cylindric

Dimocron.

May we present, for your mid -morning
pleasure, our impressions of the

constellations.

First, the Big Dipper.

Next, the Little Dipper.

Very nice, fellas, but Steph and I have
to be going now.

Michael, let's call up a nice restaurant
and use my new celebrity status to bump

somebody who already has a reservation.

Okay. Big finish. Daryl.

Shooting stars.

Dick, here's your breakfast.

Pudding.

I guess there's no problem if I want to
have some more of this.

You're not still reading that.

Honey, it can't hurt to brush up on some
sales techniques. It could help me on

the show and in everyday life.

Right. Just don't become obsessed with
it.

Time for another Looney Lenny
commercial.

So, how's my on -camera cutie today?

Michael, people came up to me while I
was buying cream rinse.

But, Steph, you like that. They're your
fans.

But now everybody thinks they can talk
to me.

Michael, farmers talk to me.

on the air today, I'm going to make an
announcement that only pleasant -looking

people can come up to me.

Uh, Steph, this is just a guess, but I
think that could affect fail.

Well, we can talk about this later. It's
just a minute to air.

I'm tired. Could we do the show later
today?

Sorry, Steph, no can change schedule.

Hey, hey, how's everybody doing?

Chip and dip platters.

Well, what is this?

I don't know what it is, but I love it
and I can sell a million of them.

Oh, Michael, yeah, let Dick go first.

Dick, I guess you've seen your first
item. Seen it and loved it, pal.

Let's play ball.

Shopping, shopping, shopping, shopping,
shopping, shopping.

Hi, and welcome to Vermont's first and
only home shopping show. And me, I'm

strange. Dickie Loudon.

And why am I strange?

Well, wait until you see my prices.

You're not only going to think I'm
strange, you're going to think I'm

Let's take a look at our first item.
This metallically decorated plastic ball

will turn any ordinary gathering into
the gale event of a lifetime.

And that's not all. This ball is
completely studded with genuine

dimocron. I'm talking enough cylindric
dimocron to choke a horse or to make a

horse a choker.

for as much as $29 .95. But Dickie
Loudon says that price is all wet.

Excuse me, Dick. Hey, everyone, look
who's here. It's that wacky babe of

home shopping, Miss Stephanie
Landerkellen. Give her a hand.

I wasn't going to say this because I
know how much our viewers enjoy me and

I mean the world to them and everything.

But I really can't go on doing this. I
mean, I'm bored of selling these things.

And besides, it's not fair to make me
touch them.

It's probably a good idea for me to quit
the show before I start to lose my good

taste. I mean, look what happened to
this man.

That's all.

Goodbye. Love ya.

a lot of great values for you today.
People say to me, Dickie Loudon, how do

get away with it?

How do you make a profit with some of
the prices you charge? Are you deranged?

Are you nuts? And I tell them, yeah!

Why else would I sell, sell you this
Confederate soldier cookie jar with his

leg studded with a miracle of
cylindrical dimocron for only $19 .95?

me correctly, $19 .95.

Excuse me, Dick. I have to interrupt
here for a second. Michael, you don't

interrupt a crazy man when he's got
rebel cookie jars to sell.

I'm sorry, Dick, but the show has been
canceled.

But what?

But what?

Well, Dick, we have to be realistic.
Without Stephanie, there's no show.

Well, Michael, I think... I think
strange Dickie Loudon is really...

We now switch to a rerun of Pearl's
Kitchen with her omelet already in

Michael, I can't believe you. You talked
me into doing a show that I hate, and

then I get excited about it, and then
you yank it away from me. Well, I'll

you what, Dick, just so we're all
square, the disco ball, it's all yours.

Now that it's all over, I know I should
feel relieved, but somehow I feel like

I've failed.

Well, you did fail, Dick. That might
account for part of it.

Who would I talk to about the fact that
the horn is coming loose on my unicorn

lamp?

Here you go, George.

Batch number five.

By the way, I'm sorry about that force
-feeding episode with batch number four.

The color looks right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got the color right
three batches ago. Just eat.

Wow.

Joanna, this is it. Really?

There's no mistaking that flavor.

This is it exactly.

I did it. I did it. Yep, you sure did.

That's mom's pudding.

And I'm still sick of it.