All language subtitles for Newhart s06e15 Presence of Malice

Uh, Stephanie?

Yes? Uh, I thought I asked for a cheese
omelet. There's no cheese in here.

Did you look? Maybe it's further in.

Stephanie?

Good morning, guys.

Notice anything different?

Not with the naked eye.

I'm carrying... the new morning paper.

You do have that glow.

County morning news.

Gee, they must have pulled an all
-nighter to come up with that.

It's real thick and it's got all this
extra stuff.

Those are sections, George.

You know, this paper carries Mary Worth
and she still looks the same.

Does she know how to take care of
herself or what?

What's the headline?

Mrs. Betty Atwater trucking to Tideville
with sister this morning.

It's nothing but a scandal sheet.

We'll probably do some shopping, says
Betty.

No doubt she'll be getting a perm as
well, argue experts.

Okay, here's your cheese omelet.

Stephanie, don't you think it would
taste better if the cheese slice were

unwrapped?

I don't think so.

Stephanie, we have a new morning paper.

Ew, I'm not touching it. World events
gets your hands all icky and black.

Well, that's what kept me out of the
political arena.

Oh, look, Dick. It's got an
entertainment slash livestock section.

Hey, there's a review of Vermont Today
by some guy, Curtis Bill Gray.

What does it say?

Is it good?

Well, look, honey, what does some stupid
Vermont pencil pusher know about local

talk shows anyway?

Besides, we all love you.

But is it good?

If any of you suffer from the agony of
insomnia,

fear not.

I have the cure.

Dick Loudon, Vermont Today.

Dick Loudon, the alleged host, has all
the charisma of Pete Moss.

Now, see, irritating, irritating, shifty
eyes.

Continued on page 12C4.

Dick, don't pay any attention. He
doesn't know what he's saying. Although

says it well.

my other brother, Daryl.

Oh, I guess you've perused the diatribe.

Don't worry. As you can tell, we're not
ashamed to be seen with you.

And vice, um... Thanks. Thanks, guys.

The reason we're here is, well, Eureka!
We hit pay dirt.

Larry, what happened?

Well, last night when Daryl here was
whipping up a batch of pancakes for the

morning and they started blistering,

I noticed that one of them started to
form an eerie likeness to one of our

greatest historical figures.

Who? Paul Anka.

It's as plain as the shifty eyes on your
face.

Gaze upon the mystical flapjack.

It looks just like a pancake.

Wait, wait. Does Paul Anka have a beard?

Oops, pocket fuzz.

biggest thing to happen to us since
Daryl had mud splashed on him by a motor

Tom Bosley.

Or was it David Dole?

Anyway, we bet Paul Ankle will plug in
special lyrics for My Way in our honor.

We'd be obliged if you'd spread the word
of our blessed vision, but not until

we've had time to gear up for the
onslaught of curiosity seekers.

Guys, I put a hold on that gearing up to
tell you the truth. I don't see

anything. Wow, Paul Anka!

Okay,

I fixed a leg on the wooden bird.

Oh, good. I was afraid we were going to
have to shut down.

Don't disappear with it. I'm sort of
wrapped up in that Betty Atwater story.

It seems she slammed the car door on her
sister's coat and dragged the hem all

the way to Tyville.

I think I smell a Pulitzer.

Dick, you still want to read that rag
even after that review?

Joan, I'm not going to hold a grudge.
Oh, look, there's another review. Let's

see who we think the teeth into today.

Oh, it's you again, Dick.

Last time I wrote a less than glowing
review of Vermont Today starring Dick

Loudon, thinking that I might have done
unfair to base my judgment on one

viewing, I watched some tapes of
Pascoe's, and it is with that bowed in

that I report I was wrong.

I let Loudon off easy.

I didn't even scratch the surface.

of banality and sheer dullness that is
Vermont today.

This is insane. I can't read anymore.

Worst of all is his habit of sitting.
When Dick

Loudon sits in a chair, one is instantly
reminded of a koala bear propped up on

Johnny Carson's desk during a visit by
Joan Embry.

Next issue.

Dick Loudon, the voice that makes your
ears bleed.

I think he's starting to exaggerate now,
Dick.

Hi.

Hi. Oh, hi, Jim. Hi, Chester.

We saw that review, Dick.

Just think, all this time we've been
watching your show, we didn't know one

good.

But we want you to know, that we still
watch Vermont today. We just pull the

shades down.

Yeah.

It's become a guilty pleasure.

Did you guys come over here just to pour
salt in the wounds?

No. We were in the neighborhood to see
the pancake.

It's awesome, Dick.

Just think, Paul Anka's face in our
town, everyone's all abuzz.

Let's go back and see it again.

My ears are okay. How about yours?

Well, that does it. I'm going to go to
the paper and confront that critic.

Dick, do you think that's a good idea?

I know how to handle this.

When I was in fourth grade, there was
this bully and he wouldn't stop picking

me. He'd push me down and he'd take my
lunch, but I put him into that.

How? I brought two lunches.

I don't think that strategy is going to
work with this critic. Honey, you didn't

let me finish. Then I brained him with a
chunky.

busy destroying someone else's life.

I'll wait.

Wait a minute, don't I know you?

I'm Dick Loudon.

Oh, yes.

Yes, I thought I felt the charisma level
of the building plummet.

Look, I'm not here to pick a fight.

All I want to know is why you're running
this smear campaign against me.

It's nothing personal, Mr. Loudon.

I just think you're awful.

I mean, I'm just doing my job as you're
doing yours.

Isn't there something else you could
trash besides my show?

Even, Mr. Loudon, if I thought there was
something worse, I'd leave you alone.

Have you seen Pearl of Pearl's... Never
mind. What is

it? I mean, why me?

Well, here's the thing. Sit down.

I'll avert my eyes.

You see, Mr. Loudon, I get paid to hate.

I mean, that's my specialty. I mean,
it's what I do.

When I was working in Syracuse, single
-handedly, I closed Connie Stevens and

Tommy Smothers in bus stops.

You're the devil incarnate.

And somehow your show opened up a well
of hatred in me that I just didn't know

had.

Look at it this way, Loudon.

I'm a kid.

You're a candy store.

You know what I think?

I think you are a bitter, twisted,
vindictive, frustrated coot who takes

sort of perverse pleasure in trying to
destroy innocent and hard -working

people. I mean, it is guys like you...

who

weep at the drop of a...

What are you doing?

It's always like this when somebody
yells at me. I mean, you're right. I

you're absolutely right. I'm swill.

Oh, come on. It's not always that bad.

I like some things in your reviews.

Oh, you're just saying that.

Well, yeah, but...

You would use single ply.

Right now?

Now are you okay?

Yes, I guess so. Thank you.

But I'm not going to stop my reviews.

What? I'm going to go on trashing you
till I've driven you off the airwaves.

And there's nothing you can do about it.

Oh, yeah?

Well, next time I'll be back.

And I'll be packing a chunky.

snake your line over our lawn.

And you got two seconds to fold up those
pup tents.

Honey, has the morning news come yet? I
haven't seen it.

Uh, George, have you seen the morning
news?

Uh, no.

I could have sworn I saw it outside.

Maybe one of the pancake people used it
to start their hibachi.

By the way, Dick, I just want you to
know that I think being with you is

at all like watching time -lapse
photography of a guy washing his feet.

Okay, where's the paper?

Yesterday, I was paid a visit by Dick
Loud.

And I can gleefully report that he is as
tiresome in person as on TV.

He is to television what?

How two books are to literature.

Ha! The joke's on.

Well, actually, it's still kind of on
you, isn't it, Dick?

Dick, before you go on, I've done some
market research on this Bill Gray.

Michael, how do you do market research
on one guy?

We flipped into his office.

Where there's a will, there's a window.

Now, I've made up a list of his top ten
fave raves, which we can, oh, so subtly

work into the show. So here, clip on
this Mike Nesmith monkey hat.

Michael, I'm not going to change just to
please some raving lunatic hack.

Okay, Dick.

Michael, where's my chair?

Dick, you do realize if you have a
chair, you're going to have to sit, and

that's prime Bill Gray bait.

I mean, we have to throw him one bone.

Michael, I want my chair back. Fine,
Dick.

Might as well paint a bullseye on your
bottom.

Which isn't a bad idea, because he is an
archery nut.

Michael? Say no more, Dick. I'm used to
smoke pouring out of my engines when I

pitch ideas to you.

So I've come up with a completely
opposite strategy.

If you can't join him, fight him.

What are you saying? Give that Bill Gray
bilgewad a taste of his own medicine.

Here. Feast your 2020s on this baby.

Curtis Bill Gray is a fatty?

Whoa, it's even more stingy.

Michael, I am not going to stoop to such
a pile of petty debt.

I'm going to go out there and do my
regular show.

Okay, Dick.

Have a good one.

And now, it's Vermont Today, starring
Dick Loudon.

Hey, who gave him back his chair?

I'm, uh... I'm... I'm Dick... I'm Dick
Loud. And on today's show,

we will, um... We'll be, uh...

Look, I... I just want to say that a
certain person in this town has

been taking pot shots at me, and I
personally refuse to stoop to his...

Curtis Bill Gray's a big fat...

I did not say today's show was awful.

Yes, you did.

No, I didn't. I just think that you may
have gone a little bit over the line by

staging that why Bill Gray makes me sick
content.

Honey, the guys continuously were
ripping me apart in the press.

And I'm sure everyone in town feels it's
only fair that I use my show as a form

to fight back.

Dick, we just watched Vermont Today.

Pretty low blow.

For shame, for shame.

Well, maybe not the whole town.

It's one thing what he did to you in the
press.

But to call a man a fatty.

To hear that kind of language coming out
of the set.

And on a Sunday.

We finally get a first -rate critic in
town and you have to badmouth him. He

called me the video sandman. And don't
forget the human anesthetic.

I'm the king of coma.

Okay, okay.

Yeah, but he's only one person.

And you're an innkeeping, how -to, book
-writing, TV -starring conglomerate.

Another case of a big corporation
stepping on a little guy.

I'm not a corporation.

Mr. Loudon, I came as soon as I saw the
show.

And my eyes weren't too teary to drive.

Oh, so you must be that low -life Bill
Gray.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Gee, you sure can't fault him on his
manners.

You're Curtis Bill Gray?

He's not fat.

So not only was it shocking to hear, but
it wasn't even true.

Oh.

Double for shame.

Look, excuse me, gentlemen, excuse me,
but I really don't need the help of two

country bumpkins to get satisfaction
from the likes of Loudon.

Wait a minute, that sounds like an
insult.

I didn't think you'd pick up on that
till next Tuesday.

And that was probably another one.

Boy, he's mean.

I told you.

You know, maybe I was wrong to
concentrate on you, Loudon. It seems

town is full of people right for my
special sort of ridicule.

Maybe I could make it a regular feature.

This week in Boobville.

Uh -oh, now we're in trouble.

What are we going to do to stop him?

That's the problem. There's nothing we
can do.

He's right, you know.

You're all quite powerless.

Wait a minute.

Chester, aren't you the mayor?

That's right, I am.

What does that mean?

It means you can get him back by passing
laws and stuff.

Yeah.

Like what?

Well, you know, something to make his
life here a living hell.

Or at least real annoying.

Like I could pass a law making wherever
he parks a tow -away zone.

What about making it so that wherever he
lives, people can come in and use his

phone?

And we could make it illegal to write
bad reviews about Sunday talk shows.

Oh, come on, Dick. These have to be
real.

Oh, look, this is all absurd. Now, look,
try to follow this.

Even though you are the mayor, I know
you can't put anything into law without

supporting votes from the town council.

Well, that's true, but we may just have
enough town council members in

this room to make a quorum.

All those in favor of passing the Bill
Gray Act signify by raising your hand

saying aye.

Aye!

Gee, Mr. Bill Gray, is that your blue
car out there?

George, why don't you go and call Armand
Trout Towing Service?

Dick, should I use our phone or just
head over to Bill Gray?

Fine.

Fine, right, yes, I can take a hint. I
don't have to be hit over the head.

Too bad.

You're not the only country bumpkins in
the sea. I shall simply find another

town.

Oh, and, um, this country inn of yours,
gauche.

This is my brother Daryl, and this is my
other brother Daryl.

Our limelight days have come to a
screeching halt.

And I guess it's true that you see the
same people on the way down the ladder

going up.

Because here you are.

What happened?

See, Daryl here and one of his night
-feeding friends, he's ate Paul Anka.

By the time we got to the kitchen, all
that was left was Paul's... distinctive

forehead in a pool of maple syrup.

I don't know whether to laugh or run
screaming into the woods.

This must be a big blow to your plans.

Well, actually, we were getting a little
sick of hearing that endless loop of

having my baby.

But we haven't taken this lying down.
Show them the lamb chop, Darrell.

Look, right there. The sturdy face of
Joan Baez.

I'd be nothing.

Darn.

Come on, Daryl. We'd better get back to
the cafe and let in the pancake

mourners.

Daryl here is leading a silent vigil.

You know, I think I'll always remember
where I was when

I heard that the Paul Anka pancake was
eaten.

Meow.