All language subtitles for Newhart s06e13 My Three Dads

Here it is, my 35th book.

How to write how -to books.

Dick, why do you have so many?

These are for, you know, to give to
family and friends.

That doesn't mean we have to take one,
does it?

And congratulations.

Oh, Michael, I have to ask you a
question about your TV station.

Last night while I was watching Barnaby
Jones, there was an ad for the news that

said, President dead.

Details at 11.

So I had to stay up to watch the news. I
mean, that kind of shook me up.

Turned out that the president who was
dead was Calvin Coolidge.

So?

Well, somehow that didn't seem right.

Well, it is right, George. I mean, Cal
has said adios to Earth.

But I thought you meant our current
president.

Michael, did WPIV run a promo like that?
We call them teasers, Dick. There's

nothing like them to boost ratings on a
slow news day.

But it's deceiving. It's dishonest. It's
despicable.

And it works.

Besides, Dick, look at it this way. Cal
hasn't been in the news much lately. I'm

sure he appreciated the mention.

Well, Michael, how can you do that?

Well, I didn't write it, Joanna. I just
came up with a concept to mislead and

told the news department to run with it.

Michael, people are talking about the
news and there are books here.

Let's go.

Okay, sir. Hope you enjoy the news
tonight, George.

I'm not going to watch it. Oh, really?

Where do you see tonight's teaser? I
hear the writers really came up with a

doozy.

You know, I like being a fan of Buddy
Epson, but at what price?

Hi, I'm Larry. This is my brother
Darryl, and this is my other brother

I thought I recognized you guys.

We're here with an announcement.

We've decided to have a child.

What? It occurred to us that our
biological clocks are ticking and we

much time left.

That's great, guys.

Yeah.

How are you... How are you planning on,
you know,

going about that?

Well, we thought about sticking with
tradition and having one with a woman.

But so far, we hadn't been able to coax
one into holy wedlock, not even the

face.

Seems the only way we've been able to
turn a woman's head is by yelling, look

out behind you.

Anyway, in our longing to be dads, we've
decided to adopt.

We hear there's a desperate need for
parents.

Probably not that desperate.

Guys, I don't want to discourage you or
anything, but do you think maybe a

kitten might solve your problem?

I don't think so.

Although Daryl here could teach the
young feline a thing or two about

mice.

Come on, Daryl. I'm sure one look at our
sincere, worldly -wise faces and it's

in the bag.

Oh, which reminds me.

When we go to the adopting agency, we
got to remember to bring the fact so

have something to carry the baby home
in.

Dick, no adoption agency would actually
give them a child.

I think on the list of desirable
parents, they would come somewhat after

-year -olds, crazy people, and childless
wolf couples.

You know, I hope we don't end up
competing for the same kid.

I mean, I don't think you'd stand much
chance, what with it being three to two.

Larry, Daryl, and Daryl? That's us.

Now, behave yourself in there, Daryl.
And remember, there's only three ways to

get a baby. By a woman, by adopting, or
by a star in the east.

I think this is our best shot.

Hi, I'm Christy Castetter.

Hi. Are you the lady that's going to be
delivering our baby?

Well, we'll see.

Please have a seat.

I see by your application that you
have... Two businesses, the Minute Man

and anything for a buck?

That's right. We can get you franchise
information if you're interested.

Not right now.

And I see that the three of you are
single, so I take it that there would be

women in the household.

Well, that's probably true.

Though you never know, the faith could
still come through for us.

Maybe you should tell me a little bit
about why you'd like to have a child.

Well, we want to have a little someone
to show how to fish, how to play ball,

how to spit into the wind and duck.

I think I've got enough information.
Thank you. We'll let you know.

When? We was all prepared to take him
home today.

I'm afraid that won't be possible, but I
have your number, and I'll call as soon

as we know.

You know already, don't you?

You're not going to give us any baby.

For some strange reason, you think we
wouldn't make good fathers.

But you're wrong.

Daryl and I would make perfect pappies.

I mean, a part of us is kids ourselves,
but enough of us is adults so you can

trust us.

And I guarantee you he'd be entering a
happy home.

How many little babies got that going
for them from the get -go?

Look, I appreciate your feelings, but
there are certain things... Please.

As you can see, we'll beg if we have to.

Oh, well.

Good morning, George.

I can't remember the last time you
missed breakfast.

I know. I had to stay up late and watch
the stupid news.

He got you again, huh?

I was in my room enjoying one of my
favorite Barnaby episodes.

Honeymoon with Death.

It's one of the later episodes where Lee
Merriweather's wearing the more

tailored clothes.

Anyway, I was just sitting back enjoying
a soda when one of those teasers came

on. What was it?

Soda found contaminated.

Details at 11.

The whole front of my TV got spritzed.

I had to stay up past my bedtime to find
out if I was going to live or not.

Then it turned out that the contaminated
soda was just somebody left an open can

out all night, came back and found a bug
in it.

I'm getting pretty sick of those
teasers.

George, I don't know what else you can
do with it except giving up Barnaby

Jones.

It's easy for you to say, Dick.

You've got a wife.

Oh, no, it can't be.

Guys, does this mean the agency gave you
a child?

No, it means we just bought out Dutch
masters.

Of course we've got a kid.

Where is it?

Outside somewhere.

Outside somewhere?

Oh, I know. Can't wait to be introduced,
huh?

Okay, we'll go see if we can find the
little Dickens.

They seem to be doing a great job of
parenting so far.

It's a boy.

Well, what do you think?

He's big.

Yep, 155 pounds, 3 ounces.

Better hope he never needs burping.

His name's Ted.

Hi. Hi, Ted. Nice to meet you.

I'm Joanna, and this is my husband,
Dick.

Hi.

Or should I say, Gucci Gucci Goo.

How old are you, Ted?

Almost 18.

I'll go with hi.

I thought you were going to adopt a
baby.

Well... Ted was as young as they'd give
us.

For some reason, they thought the fact
that he was legal next month made him

perfect choice for us.

The agency needed a bed, and I thought
it would be nice to finally go somewhere

I was really wanted.

Even if it was just for a month?

You'd think so.

Well, congratulations to all of you.

Well, we better get going. We got a
bassinet to reinforce.

Ted.

We're here.

Knight or Dick.

Dick. Joanna. Good news. I just finished
watching Barnaby Jones and I'm going

right to bed.

That is good news, George.

So the teaser for the 11 o 'clock report
didn't grab you tonight?

Not a bit. I couldn't care less.

What was it, George?

Oh, something like a beautiful town
socialite elopes.

Stephanie!

What's going on?

What is it?

Oh, Stephanie, thank God you're here.

Wait, wait, wait a minute.

Oh, phew. No rice.

Oh, you... me.

Oh, I'm sorry, Steph. I'm just so glad
to see you.

Watch a little TV tonight, Michael?

Maybe see a news teaser that said
beautiful town socialite elopes?

Michael, is that why you're here? You
thought that was me?

Do you think if it had been me, they
would have stopped at just beautiful?

I'm sorry, Steph. I just reacted.

I was in the midst of my creaming
regimen. Now I have to start all over

Next time you have a crisis, call first.

Well, Well, Michael, I guess maybe
you've learned your lesson about those

teasers. I sure have.

They're even more powerful than I
thought.

It's got to be one of the best
promotional tools ever.

I've got a great idea I'm going to tell
the guys for tomorrow's teaser.

GM cars were called.

Then we just show these people, you
know, remembering their cars.

George, at least you don't have to stay
up tomorrow night. Yes, I do.

Why? I really like to listen to people
talk about their cars.

Hi.

It's the dads.

With tons of pictures to show you of our
new son.

Here he is watching Daryl make
breakfast.

Here he is covering his ears as Daryl
eats breakfast.

So how's it been being fathers?

Just like we dreamed.

Although there have been a few
drawbacks.

He don't want to have anything to do
with all those pampers we stockpile.

They don't ride up like those jockeys,
do they, Daryl?

me had a big argument over whether to
name him Larry Jr., Daryl Jr., or Daryl

Jr.

And Ted seems to be resisting any
change.

Well, you know, teenagers... Tell me
about it.

We've found having a teen in the house
can be kind of tough.

I mean, the loud music, the constant
partying, he don't like it much.

But you want to know the biggest
drawback?

He's only ours for three weeks.

I mean, how are we supposed to do
everything a father's supposed to do in

weeks?

Besides, the shorter he stays, the
longer we're gonna miss him.

You know, Larry, things in life are gone
before you know it.

You mean like blank paper in Stephen
King's house?

Exactly. And sometimes all you can do is
make the most of the time you have with

someone. And that's what I think you
should do with Ted.

Hmm. Daryl?

Daryl thinks you're wise beyond your
years.

Well.

And Daryl thinks you like the sound of
your own voice.

Either way, we're going for it. We're
going to jam -pack 18 years of

into three weeks.

Come on, Daryl. Let's go find Larry Jr.

Darn, I thought I could slip it back.

Come on, Ted. Finish up your dinner. We
got other things to do.

Do I really have to finish this?

Ted, porcupine is one of nature's most
perfect foods.

It's tasty, and when you're done,
there's quills to pick your teeth with.

Daryl, I knew you'd be the one to spoil
him.

Well, come on, then. We got some
parental cramming to do.

Let's start with a traditional father
-son bonding ritual.

Playing ball.

It's okay, Daryl. You're a good father
in other ways.

Okay, measuring time.

Not again. Guys, I'm not getting any
taller.

Let's let the door jam decide.

Same as before.

Wait, maybe you should check again.

Look at that.

He's grown that much.

Don't be picky, Daryl. We'll take it.

Okay, now, facts of life talk.

Oh, that's okay. I think I got this one
covered.

Ted, this is an important moment between
fathers and sons.

Now, since we have to cram all this in,
we'll give you the condensed version.

Girls, watch out for them.

Here's some crayons and paper. We're
looking for something to put up on the

refrigerator.

Hi. Ted, am I early?

Oh, a little bit, but that's okay.

Liz, this is my father, Larry. This is
my father, Daryl. And this is my other

father, Daryl.

Liz, she's in my history class.

Hi.

I've got a date tonight.

We're guessing with her?

Yeah. Perfect timing on that fact of
life talk, Daryl.

Talk with her?

Sure.

You're not planning on chewing him up
and spitting him out, are you?

Uh, no.

She seems nice.

Well, great.

What time do I have to be home? Oh, we
don't have to decide that now.

What do you mean?

You don't think we're going to miss out
on our son's first date, do you?

Was that your father?

Yeah, how did you manage to duck him?

I ran away from home.

You know, there's no shortage of reasons
why someone would want to get away from

there, but just out of curiosity, which
one did you pick?

Now, I know this is going to sound
weird, but they pay too much attention

I mean, in all the foster homes I've
lived in, I've never had this problem

before. I mean, yesterday I sneezed
once, and suddenly I was covered with

Sounds like they really care about you,
Ted.

I know they do, and I like them too.

It's just been a little too much for me.

Can I stay here?

Sure.

Thanks.

Can I have something to eat?

You know, something that's been
inspected.

We've got something wrapped in
everything.

Hi.

I'm Larry. This is my brother Darryl and
this is my other brother Darryl. Ted's

run away from home.

Here's a picture and description you can
use without the consent of Major League

Baseball.

We don't need this.

Oh, he's already on the milk carton?

No, he's here.

Really? Hi.

Ted, are you okay? You got that nasty
cold. You shouldn't be out.

I'm okay.

Ted, we respect your right to run away,
but maybe you could just tell us what

we've done wrong so we won't always be
wondering.

You didn't do anything wrong.

Well, we must have done something.

No, it just isn't fair to you. I mean,
I'm only here for a month, and you guys

have a whole lifetime of caring to give
a son.

I just couldn't take all that all at
once.

It's not your fault.

You're right.

It's his.

What?

Well, weren't you the one that told us
to make the most out of the time we had

with Ted?

Uh, yeah.

Do you get some sort of perverted
pleasure out of trying to ruin our

Ted, would you give us another chance if
we promised to follow our own

instincts?

I don't think I'll be needing that.

But before we go, something I got to
tell you. I know you're not going to

it much, but I've been accepted at Yale.

Ted, that's wonderful.

Why wouldn't they like that?

Because he knows it dashes our hopes of
him becoming a drifter.

I hope you're not too disappointed.

Not too much. I mean, Yale is our alma
mater.

Excuse me?

Yeah, we janitored there one summer.

Ted, we know you gotta go off on your
own like you should, but there's just

thing we gotta know.

Will we ever see you again?

Of course you will.

You're my dad.

Let's go home.

You know, they grow up so fast.

I mean, one minute they're just coming
into your life, and then it just seems

like a couple of weeks later they're
going off to college.

Larry, this is only a couple of weeks
later.

Oh, yeah.

Well, still, it's all I can do to keep
from breaking into a chorus of sunrise,

sunset.

Daryl, what do you say we have another
one?

Meow.