All language subtitles for Newhart s06e12 Support Your Local Shifflet

Once again, let's take a short break
while Edith catches up with the minute.

This is the most boring thing I have
ever sat through.

Stephanie, the town hall meeting is one
of the purest forms of democracy in

action. I mean, that's what our founding
fathers had in mind when they came up

with the Constitution and the Bill of
Rights.

Thanks, Dick.

This is now the second most boring thing
I've ever said.

Stephanie, Dick needs all the support he
can get for his stoplight.

What's so important about a dopey
stoplight?

Well, it could prevent accidents and
save lives.

Oh.

Well, I guess that's okay, as long as
it's quick.

All set, Edith.

All set, Edith.

The next order of business is new
ordinances.

I recognize Dick Loudon. Well, you've
known him long enough.

Jim, I asked you not to do that joke at
every meeting.

Funny as it is.

I'd like to propose a stoplight at the
intersection of Elm Avenue and

Lane. Been any accidents there?

Not yet, but there's a heck of a lot of
squealing brakes.

Yes, I am Ed Whitley. I own Whitley's
Brake Service.

And I say, let's not rush into anything
here.

This is a wild guess, but I don't think
Mr. Whitley can be completely objective

about this.

A stoplight. Can we afford it?

Yep. All in favor of Dick's stoplight?

The ayes have it. Motion is approved.

Congratulations, buddy. Wow.

You just ask for stuff and you get it.

I'm starting to like democracy.

I'm going to ask the town council to
give me a raise.

Stephanie,

that isn't the way it goes.

You'd have to work for the city.

You'd have to work for someone.

Yo.

The chair recognizes Officer Shifflett.
Well, you've known him. Jim!

Hi. I think you all know me.

I'm custodian of your safety, guardian
of your children, your basic man behind

the badge.

I'm here today to ask for a long
overdue, and need I say, well -deserved

Can we afford it? Not after Dick's
stoplight.

Thanks a lot, Loudon.

I just hope I can hear my police radio
over my stomach growling.

So what are you doing here?

Why aren't you out watching cars come to
a full stop?

Look, I know you must be upset.

Why is it a kid in yourself?

You're looking at Jimmy, won't put his
toys away, McGuire.

You know the scenario?

Won't eat his vegetables, won't put away
his toys.

Next thing you know, he's praying for a
call from the governor.

There's an after -school special just
waiting to happen.

Okay, McGuire, you did your time.

Now... Don't let me see your ugly mug
around here again.

My version is scared straight.

Look, I'm sorry about the stoplight
thing, but, I mean, why didn't you stand

and fight for your race? You were there,
Loudon. They said they didn't have

enough money after a certain someone
bled the town dry.

Look, there's no reason that they
couldn't afford a stoplight and a police

force. You know nothing about our
budgetary woes.

Why do you think I'm all alone here?

There isn't even enough money for me to
have a nervous and competent deputy.

They're always claiming they don't have
money for anything.

But why don't you go back there and ask
them for your raise again?

The only place I go with my hat in my
hand is my barber.

Then leave your hat on.

And don't ask.

Demand. I mean, this town needs you.

You're right, Loudon.

You're looking at yesterday's patsy.

And if you want, I'll go down there with
you to, you know, back you up.

Well, thanks all the same.

I think I'm more imposing on my own.

Hi, hi, Dick.

Oh, Blondie, your Dagwood's here.

Will I ever tire of seeing you scurry?
No.

Why am I never not here?

Michael, I have to tell you about the
town meeting.

It was amazing.

People just asked for things and they
got them.

It was almost like my childhood.

Gee, when I heard dick, stop like
townspeople, I figured snore in.

Don't you get it, Michael?

We can ask for things, too.

Hey, neat!

What should we ask for? How about
luggage?

No.

One of the catches is these requests
have to be more town -oriented.

What would we like to change about this
town?

How about we change all the people?

to be more realistic.

We can't bring in all new people, much
as that would be a dream come true.

I know.

Let's ask them to get rid of all the
animals.

After all, that's what makes this place
look so rural.

And you realize that without farm
animals, there'd be no need for farmers.

proposal. Prepare to urbanize, Dick.

Love that curry.

Oh, hi.

Did you see Jim and Chester?

At approximately 1 ,300 hours, I
confronted Mayor Wanamaker in a

Jim.

I reiterated my demands for a raise in a
civilized and orderly manner.

And? And they said, no.

So I told them I was prepared to walk,
to leave this burg completely

unprotected.

And then what did they say?

They said, see if we care.

As of this moment, this town is ripe for
pillage.

I am now officially on strike.

I figure four decent -sized moving vans
could make this zip code cow -free in

one afternoon.

The cows are leaving?

Michael and I are going to propose to
the town council that they send all the

objectionable animals away.

And cows, being the largest, are one of
the most noticeable.

Gee, I kind of like this town the way it
is. Animals and all.

George, if you look the other way and
let cows get out of hand, the next thing

you know, you have another India.

Stephanie, have you ever seen a cow up
close?

George, why do you think they have
fences around those things?

Would you let me introduce one to you?

Right.

And after that, we can go visit sick
people.

Stephanie, would you please do this one
thing for me as a friend?

George, is this... One of those things
that if I don't do it, you'll be giving

me that look all the time.

Okay, George.

Thanks, Stephanie.

When I'm in the mood, have the time, and
feel there's absolutely no chance, I'll

get nauseous.

Great. Thursday it is.

Well, how bad can cows be? I mean, we
like them as jackets.

One bi -weekly rag removed from your
front lawn seconds before the

bow -wow claimed it for his own.

Thanks. Story after story should paint a
picture of an unprotected town on the

brink of disaster.

They'll be begging me to come back.

The headline says, Lumber Surplus.

I'm afraid you're going to have to be a
little more realistic about the effect

your absence is going to have.

You're right.

Won't be till tonight that we're bathed
in the orange glow of a town in flames.

Oh, hi, Dick. We were wondering if...
Oh, hello, Mr.

Shifflett.

Mr. Penny.

Mr. Pinscher.

Dick, we wanted you to know that to keep
those gathering storm clouds at bay,

we've decided to form a volunteer police
department.

And we thought a scrappy guy like you
would jump at the chance to join. So can

we count you in?

I, uh, I don't think so.

Scared, huh?

No, I just support Officer Shifflett's
position.

He's not scared.

He's a traitor.

Well, we better go over to the jailhouse
and relieve the others. Yeah, it's my

turn to wear the badge.

Well, there goes the ballgame.

If they get to play volunteer cop, it
could be months before they see the

or are killed off in their own
crossfire.

Oh, hello, Officer Shiflett.

Not an officer, ma 'am.

Just a gunless, billy -clubless shell of
a man.

Ditch, he seems down.

Well, it looks like it's going to be a
while before the town gives in to his

demands.

Well, then offer him a job here.

Honey, we don't need any help.

That's no reason not to hire someone.

Well, it might take his mind off his
troubles.

And in his present position, we could
probably get him for a song.

Dick.

Hi.

Lo.

Sorry.

Just free associating.

Well, I'm probably going to wind up as
those bozo security night watchmen do.

Might even start getting a belly.

You know, I've been thinking, you know,
with all this free time on your hands.

Try eternity.

Right.

The fact is, you know, we've been
looking for some help around the inn.

Throw a bone to the pitiful loser on the
couch.

No, we really, really could use some
help.

Listen, I know people and I know cons,
and this is third -rate amateur time

conning, so give it up.

You giving up already?

Well, you think I'm conning.

Yeah, but in my situation, I'm in the
mood to be conned.

Besides, I always felt I could be a help
around here.

Really? Well, yeah.

You got a truckload of security problems
in this joint, but I could nix them no

sweat.

Security problems?

Well, that's what you need me for,
right?

Uh, well...

Because that's what I do.

Anything else, you might as well snuff
me and stuff my lifeless hunk in the

nearest compactor.

What else would I be talking about?

Well, great.

Then I'll go get my stuff.

I'll make this inn safer than Zeppo and
a crowd of Marx Brothers fans.

Oh, and, Loudon, I don't say this often,
but...

Well, you know.

Well, Dick, I did it. Tell him what I
showed you, Stephanie.

A cow.

Roberta.

Up close?

Well, as close as we could get if
Stephanie refused to get out of the car.

I don't blame you, Stephanie. I know I
roll up my windows whenever I drive

through. Cow country safari.

Tell Dick to rest, Stephanie.

All right.

She has the biggest, most beautiful eyes
I've ever seen.

Except for mine, of course.

And those lashes.

I would...

I know people who would kill for those
lashes.

So, uh, how did you leave it with
Roberta?

I told her she could stay.

What about the rest of the animals?

Well, instead of meeting all of them up
close, I decided they could stay, too.

I thought I heard a collective hue from
the woods.

This calls for a celebration.

What do you say I go down to Farmer
Gordon and get some milk right from

I bet you've never tasted fresh milk
before.

Oh, George.

And I never will.

You have to understand, Officer
Shifflett is new here.

I am so sorry about that Danish
incident.

Well, it was my fault for taking more
than one.

Think maybe I better case that case.

Officer, you want to bet these two
haven't paid for a towel in 40 years?

Hello.

Taking home a few souvenirs to keep the
memories warm and fresh, Futterman?

Officer Shifflett, that's not our towel.

Oh, it wouldn't take one of your towels.

They're a little small.

Obviously, you weren't put off by the
size of the soap.

Please, Mr.

and Mrs. Futterman, take the soap with
our compliments.

All right.

But don't let me catch you showering
with it in my town.

Why'd you stop me?

No telling what I could have turned up
with a strip search.

Well, I better get back on Danish
patrol.

Dick, remember when I told you to hire
Officer Shifflett? Well, I'm withdrawing

the suggestion.

Honey, I can't fire him. The town made
him feel like he isn't needed.

Then he's probably used to the feeling.

Dick, he is ruining...

Judge, you ought to be patient. I mean,
the town is bound to buckle.

I mean, there must be some crime that
will scare them at some point.

Hooligans paint parking meter red.

One passerby who asked that his name be
withheld said that he thought the color

spruced up an otherwise drab corner.

Wait.

Wait a minute.

Here's something.

Officer Shifflett.

No.

Right here on page one.

Snowblower reported stolen.

South side of town, I'm not surprised.

Claire and Gus Doria reported their
snowblower stolen.

After a careful investigation by
concerned neighbors...

was discovered in their backyard under
an exceptionally high drift.

Tom!

Maybe I was wrong.

Maybe this town doesn't need me.

It'd probably do just as well with old
man Hopkins, the school crossing guard.

He has his own uniform and he knows the
streets.

Ah, what the hell am I getting misty
-eyed for?

The town's lost, it's your game.

Dick?

Officer Shifflett, could we talk?

Excuse me, honey.

About your job here at the Stratford.
Could

I see that?

Why not?

Safety's on.

Why don't I... Why don't I just put it
over here?

About your job.

Officer Shiflett, are we glad to see
you. Did you read about the crime spree?

What crime spree? Gee, Dick, take an
interest in your community.

A parking meter has been vandalized.
Somebody painted it bright red.

Thank God it spruced up the corner, but
if it had been any other color... I knew

this was coming.

First painted, metered, then graffiti.

Next thing you know, it's West Side
Story without the thing in a dancing.

We had an emergency town council
meeting, and we voted unanimously to

under to your demands.

I knew you'd blink first.

It doesn't matter who blinked. The
important thing is that you're back

patrolling that asphalt jungle.

Right.

Of course, Dick, we had to lose your
stoplight.

What?

We're going with a stop sign.

And with the money we save, we can give
Officer Shifflett his raise.

A stop sign is fine with me.

It is.

Gee, Dick, if you'd said that in the
first place, we could have avoided this

whole mess.

He probably set the whole thing up to
get some cheap security help for his

That's okay.

I'm not one to hold a grudge.

For long.

It's good to be back.

Tell you the truth, I felt naked without
the shield.

Well, gentlemen, I'd love to schmooze,
but there's a maniac loose trying to

paint my town red.

Couldn't be hard to find the culprit.

There are little red footprints all
around the meter.

Oh, it's probably just kids.

I mean, when we were that age, we'd
indulge in the...

A lot of harmless tomfoolery.

I never did.

Me either.

That would be wrong.

Kids are maybe some middle -aged
delinquent with small feet.

Lift them, lad.