All language subtitles for Newhart s06e11 Laugh at My Wife, Please

Yeah, you'll never guess what happened.

You were followed home by two middle
-aged men.

Wow, he's good.

You know, Mrs. Burgess, the woman who
gives the historical presentation to

groups at the museum?

Yeah. She's retiring, and I've been
asked to replace her. We came by to see

reaction.

Congratulations.

What a letdown.

Guess we should leave so Dick can calm
down.

Honey, this is a copy of the
presentation.

Mrs. Burgess has been giving it every
week for 50 years.

The problem is that this speech is just
full of things only she would say.

Yeah, it does kind of reek of Mrs.
Burgess.

See, what I need is a way to make this
speech more me.

Good idea. So you'll write it?

What? Oh, come on, Dick. If you do this
for me, I'll do something really great

for you.

Like... Like what?

Like, uh... I'll give you back those
pictures that I took of you in that

Valentine's Day underwear.

I'll get right on it.

You're the greatest.

Darn, a great reaction and no one's here
to see it.

Hi,

I'm Larry. This is my brother, Daryl.
And this is my other brother, Daryl.

Only after tomorrow, I'll be just Larry.

Why is that?

I'm proud to announce that after many
years of pinching my pennies, I can now

afford to go on the road for my dream
vacation, Florida.

For sun and fun?

No, miniature golf.

It's the perfect time to go.

It's the off season and the boxcars
ain't as full.

You might even be able to swing a
private car.

Well, I'll be gone eight or nine days
depending on how many free games I win.

So, while I'm gone, I need someone to
look after Daryl.

Why don't you take him with you?

Well, we were all planning to go
together.

Whereas I was thrifty, though.

They blew all their money on ball
bearings.

Aren't they old enough to take care of
themselves?

I think so, but Daryl don't.

Frankly, if we...

lived in a more rural area, it might be
okay.

Anyway, you're my first choice to stay
with Daryl.

Although Miss Stephanie won by the vote.

Guys, I have a big speech to rewrite and
I really don't think I could give him

any quality time.

Thank you, George.

I don't know how you managed to keep a
cool head during such a crisis.

No problem.

Hi, Miss Stephanie.

Hi, guys.

Miss Stephanie, I hate to impose, but
I'm going to be going away and I need

someone to look after Daryl.

Oh, well, then I suggest you ask anyone
but me.

Thank you, Miss Stephanie.

Glad I could help.

Oh, Larry, I... I'd be glad to stay with
Daryl. Really?

What do you think?

Well, it's all right with Daryl.

But before I go blindly handing over the
reins of authority, I'd like to be sure

in my own mind that you're the right man
for the job.

Okay.

Hypothetically speaking, what would you
do if Daryl catches on fire?

put him under a cow and start milking
like crazy.

Although your answer sounds like it does
have a shot.

Okay. You're hired. Here you go.

finished reading what you did to the
speech.

You're welcome.

Well, I know you're a bit sensitive
about your writing, but I had a little

problem with... Honey, honey, say no
more. I know there's a typo on page

Oh. I didn't notice that.

Well, then what are you having a problem
with? Well, um...

It's kind of around in this area.

Kind of just the first three pages.

The speech is three pages.

That's my problem.

The length? The speech.

Oh, I see what's going on here. You're
getting nervous about speaking in front

of a crowd, and you're taking it out on
a great piece of writing.

think these little witticism things are
good?

Trust me, screams.

Well... Remember, I did do this as a
favor. I could be watching the Daryls.

Okay, I'll do it.

Great. Well, if you'll excuse me, I have
a typo to white out.

Hi -ho, Jojo.

How's it go -go?

Hi, Michael, Stephanie.

Listen, how would you like to do me a
favor?

Well, I think I speak for us both when I
enthusiastically say, it depends.

I'm giving a speech at the museum on
Saturday, and I'd really appreciate a

familiar faces in the audience. Freeze
frame on that thought, Joanna.

What do we think, Keiko Cups?

It's at the museum.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that
where they keep old and rusty things

that were quaint a hundred years ago,
but now are just gross?

It would only be for half an hour.

Well, all right, if you're going to
carry on like this.

What good friends.

Hiya, George. How's it going?

More.

After a whole day with the Daryls, the
sound of a human voice is like music.

That's right, George. You've been on
double Daryl duty. Yeah. They spent the

emptying out rain gutters.

Oh, they must be tired.

I don't know about tired, but they're
sure full.

When's the tour group coming?

Well, they've been off the bus for half
an hour, so they should be at the

display of Calvin Coolidge's dental
plate by now.

First one in the country to hold five
teeth.

That's quite a coup.

Michael, I don't like this place.

Everything's either old or dead or was
in someone's mouth.

Michael, Stephanie, hi. Thanks for
coming.

It was quite a sacrifice.

I mean, it's like being held captive
inside a PBS special.

This way, everyone!

I'd like you to meet Kirby, the bus
driver.

Hi. Well, you already got Burgess
beating the Bob department.

Hey, everyone.

Isn't this fun? How about that dental
plate?

Now I want to present the highlight of
our tour, a colorful history of Vermont,

given by Joanna Loudon.

Sorry, guys.

She's married.

Welcome to Vermont.

Early settlers worked long and hard to
forge a community here against many

hardships. These Yankees faced harsh
weather, famine, even Indians.

Of course, the Yankees beat the Indians
12 to 8.

When discussing the early history of our
state, one man stands out, namely Ethan

Allen. He was best known as the leader
of the Green Mountain Boys, whose first

album easily went gold.

Dick, what is your wife doing?

She's bringing down the tour group.

Vermont was the first state admitted to
the Union after the 13 colonies.

For those of you who don't remember, the
13 colonies were Massachusetts, Rhode

Island, Pennsylvania, and in case Santa
Claus is here, yes, Santa Claus, there

is a Virginia.

Honey, let's sneak out and get another
look at those tees.

Honey.

It wasn't that bad.

Dick, do you realize that because of
you, I can't ever show my face in this

again?

Sure you can. They were all tourists.

Burgess, Burgess.

Oh, sure, toward the end.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to
go listen to my Ethan Allen and the

Green Mountain Boys album.

See, I mean, it is a funny area.

Okay, okay, Joanna, okay. Maybe I was
wrong to force you to do the speech.

To be honest, maybe it was all my fault,
and I'm sorry.

Well, Dick, that's big of you to admit
it.

When I'm wrong, I'm wrong.

And I was wrong to assume that you could
deliver witty material.

Excuse me?

Well, face it, Joanna. I mean, some
people can give humorous speeches, and

people are like you.

Dick, you're blaming me for that yawn -a
-thon?

Well, it's unrealistic to blame the
material.

Hi, Dick. Joanna.

We just wanted to see if you were okay
after that bomb.

I'm sorry.

Oh, that's okay. We don't blame you.

Oh, it was that speech.

If you were going to rewrite Mrs.
Burgess' speech, you should at least

gotten Dick to help you. He's a
professional.

Actually,

I was the one who rewrote the speech.

Wow, Dick.

Just because you didn't get picked to do
the speech is no reason for sabotage.

Tell you what, Joanna, why don't we just
forget all this and you can come next

week and do Mrs. Burgess' speech?

Yeah, we better tell the security guard
she's allowed back in.

I don't know if I'm delivering this
right, but I told you so.

No offense, Joanna, but I don't exactly
live or die by a thumbs up from them.

I mean, I still think the right person
could make that material fly.

Like who?

Uh, of the people in this room? Uh,
well, me.

Good. Then you give the speech next week
and we'll see how you do.

Oh, no, no. That wouldn't be fair.

I'm a professional TV host.

And I'm not going to.

Get involved in some kind of childish,
petty, competitive... You're scared.

You're on.

Hi, I'm George.

And this is his other brother, Daryl.

How are you and the Daryls getting
along, George?

Oh, great.

It's been a lot of fun.

I'm doing things I've never done before.

Like today, we played find the
hibernating animal and wake it.

Yeah, I'm learning a lot, too.

I never knew before how many things a
person could eat and still not die.

Come on, Daryl.

Let's add... food to that list.

Hi.

I'm Larry, miniature golfed out.

Hi, Larry. How was your vacation?

Well, I managed to have a good time,
although I was asked to leave several

courses for using a wood.

But I did leave Florida in style, police
escort.

We can go down to the lake at... Oh, oh.

Hi, Larry.

Daryl.

Let's see.

One, two.

Yep, all here.

You look a little bloated.

You haven't let Daryl near the rain
gutter, have you?

I have half a mind not to give you the
present I brought back from Florida.

Okay. I never could resist those
cherubic faces.

So reminiscent of the Campbell's kids.

It's something I put together myself. A
skeeter farm.

Now you can watch the fascinating
metamorphosis from larva to blood

You're a good brother, Larry.

Oh, and thanks.

Come on, Daryl. Let's go play find the
hibernating animal and wake it.

Oh, and doing it a second time in one
day would border on the cruel.

I know. Let's go build a giant nest and
see what crawls into it.

You stay with them, spend time with
them, do fun things with them, and what

you get?

They leave without saying so much as a
simple goodbye.

Go have kids.

Honey, do you think we should rearrange
the chairs so there's more room for

rolling in the aisles?

Good idea, Dick. Anything? Anything that
could cut down trampling during the

math exit.

Hi, Dick. Joanna.

Well, we're really looking forward to
hearing that old speech.

Dick's got something to tell you,
fellas.

Um, we're doing last week's speech.

Oh, no.

Relax, guys.

I'm doing it.

Oh, no.

Welcome to Vermont.

Early settlers worked long and hard to
forge a community here against many

hardships.

These Yankees faced harsh weather,
famine, even Indians.

Of course, the Yankees beat the Indians
12 days.

But seriously.

When discussing the early history of our
state, one man stands out.

Ethan Allen.

Of course, he was best known as the
leader of the Green Mountain Boys.

Whose first album easily won gold.

I didn't know that they had records back
then.

They didn't.

It was a joke.

It's just that Green Mountain Boys sort
of

sounds like a musical group.

Isn't it unprofessional to explain your
jokes to your audience?

I mean, I made a fool of myself.

I mean, that was the worst

speech on the history of Vermont in the
history of Vermont.

I hope those people weren't serious
about cutting off all

their own ears.

Joanna, aren't you going to comfort me?

In a minute.

First, I want an apology.

For humiliating myself?

Did you humiliate me?

I'm talking about fresh pain here.

Okay, okay, Joanna.

You were completely right and I was
completely wrong and I'll never... I'll

never do anything like that to you
again.

Well, that covers everything, doesn't
it?

Yes, it does, honey.

And thank you.

You're welcome.

Now, I'm going to say something.

Else negative about myself. And I expect
you to disagree with me.

A lot.

I am the worst writer in this galaxy.

And maybe the two nearby.

Dick, you are not.

I said a lot.

Dick, you're a wonderful writer.

But even the best writers write bad
things occasionally.

Only instead of crumpling them up, you
gave them to your wife.

What if everything I ever wrote was bad?

I mean, I put humor in my how -to books.

Listen to that.

I mean, people all over the country
are...

Are reading my books and not laughing.

Dick, you are very funny.

I mean, even your book titles are funny.

Shelf help.

Well, it was pretty off the wall, so to
speak.

My book titles were funny, and the jokes
in them were funny. Exactly. I am one

heck of a funny guy.

You sure are.

Good night, honey.

Good night.

Maybe I just had a bad...

Meow.