All language subtitles for Newhart s06e10 Telethon Man

Hi, I'm Larry. This is my brother,
Daryl. And this is my other brother,

Hi, guys. It's great to see you.

Honey, I'm just trying to learn to make
the best of it.

Thank you for that unexpected warm
welcome.

Daryl's a bit flushed.

We just came by to announce the further
branching out of our creative talents.

We've started inventing.

And we wanted you to be the first.

to upgrade your standard of living with
this.

We call it Dr.

Dribble.

Ah.

We find that eating our favorite critter
in gravy can be a sloppy, wasteful

affair.

And it's just not as much fun as it used
to be sucking each other's shirts.

We know that feeling.

Hence, Dr. Dribble.

See, the main portion of your meal
remains here.

just like in your normal inferior spoon.

But any sloshing overspill is caught
here.

You can have that one.

No, no, thanks. We'd, you know, we'd
just wind up fighting over it.

We understand.

Come on, Darrell, we'd better patent
this baby.

We were beaten once before, and now
every time we see mail order sea

breaks our hearts.

S .O .S. Mayday.

Mayday.

Michael, what's wrong?

It's the station.

Oh, Michael, don't get me upset for no
reason.

For a minute there, I thought something
cosmetically devastating had happened to

you. No, Steph, I'm un -mamed.

But WPP is in serious financial trouble.
It even looks like they won't be able

to pay anyone this week. Michael, this
won't affect the quality of our dates,

will it?

Don't worry, Cupcake. Seeing this
disaster coming, I made a brilliant

management decision and advanced myself
a month.

Well, then, everything's fine.

Michael is relieved, as I am, about your
ability to date.

What about the other people at the
station? Don't worry, Dick. I've earned

nickel of that ill -gotten booty.

I've come up with a plan to save WPIV. A
telethon. A telethon? Yeah.

We get viewers to send in money so the
station can stay on the air.

Michael, that's what public channels do,
but people won't pay to watch

commercial TV.

We don't know that, Dick. No one's ever
had the gumption to ask them before.

I think a telethon is a ridiculous idea.

Gee, Dick, I hope that won't affect your
performance when you host it.

No way.

Now, Dick, think of your family of
fellow PIVers, all hoping, praying, that

little TV home won't be foreclosed on.

I think you should know, I took a poll
of every other performer at the station,

and they voted unanimously that you were
the one to host the telethon.

Really?

Every last one. They all thought you
were the only one with enough stamina to

stay up 48 hours straight.

48 hours? That's two days.

Dick would have to do something to grab
the viewer's attention, and everyone

thinks that the health risk to a man
your age stressing yourself out like

for that many hours is just the tickets.

I am not killing myself for the station.

Look, I would never take the slightest
chance with your health. You're my

friend, my workmate, my meal ticket.

Well... And just to make you feel
totally safe, I've arranged to have a

by your side every minute.

Dick.

For our relationship to keep working,
you must be alive.

I know that, but... I mean, a whole
station is at stake, and I'm sure, you

it couldn't be that dangerous.

Joanna, you have my word. He'll be just
fine, or I'm not the best darn producer

in show business.

Dick, hold me.

How about that snazzy tote board, huh?

Oh, and here's your tote board toots.
Debbie.

She's the best. Watch.

And our new total is $500.

Great gesturing.

And for every $100 pledge, the devster
will peel off an item of clothing until

she's down to her string bikini. I call
it strip pledging.

Great name. We're not doing it.

Okay. Lose the strip pledge angle. Dick
doesn't want it. Thank you, Dick.

Gee, Dick, the crew's already antsy
enough about not getting paid yet this

and now you've shot a torpedo through
the SS morale.

Anyway, I've written an opening speech
for you on the teleprompter. Michael,

not going on the air until I see the
doctor you promised.

Well, he, uh... He's not here at the
moment. I'm over here.

Hi, I'm Timmy.

Dr. Timmy.

Dr. Timmy.

Well, not technically, but he's a
certified junior lifesaver. In swimming.

Good for you.

Michael. Dick, real doctors cost money.
You want to station further in debt?

Michael, there is no way... Dick, you're
on the air. In three, two... It's the

WPIV 48 -hour telephone with Dick
Lowden. Hi.

Welcome to the first WPIV telethon.

You may ask, what's this telethon for?

Well, it's for disease.

A disease called low profits.

We need your money to stay on the air.

You see, all those high -quality WPIV
programs, the Ropers, Bracken's World,

me and the chimp, don't come cheap.

Now, I know many of you have been
watching these shows for years for free,

a way you kind of owe us.

Anyway, I'm going to go without sleep
for the next 48 hours.

Joining me will be some wonderful acts
as well as many of your favorite WPIV

personalities like Pearl of Pearl's
Kitchen, Jack of Jack's Shed, and Willie

Willie's.

Compost heaters.

Now let's take a look at the tote board
and our beginning total here.

Minus $200?

Tote boards cost money, Dick.

Well, we better get started then.

So here I am doing my late night
sermonette.

And it hits me.

The crew has taken out the New Testament
and put in Hollywood wives.

For a moment there, the last supper was
at Ma Maison.

That was really good, Billy.

Billy was two hours ago.

I'm Danny from Sermonette with Danny.

Oh, oh, yeah.

Well, let's check our tote board as we
go into hour 25.

And the new total is...

Minus

57.

Listen, in this next hour, I want to see
that board climb all the way to zero.

I'm... I'm going to take this call
personally.

Hello, you're on the air with Dick
Loudon.

Joanna, not now.

Well, some real pledgers might be trying
to get through.

They could so.

I'm fine.

Everybody gets memory trouble when
they're tired.

Dick Loudon, 28 Westbrook Road.

Well, I... I missed you too last night.

I love you too. Goodbye.

Well, let's get back with Reverend Lenny
and see some of his clips.

And we're clear.

How's it going, Marathon Guy?

Terrible.

Well, don't worry dick as you get closer
to total collapse. I'm sure things will

pick up Something

up guys Michael you promised we'd get
our paychecks today.

Where are they?

Well, they are supposed to be Well here
they are now the checks

Well, guys, here's your check, just like
I promised, but WPIV management asks

one teensy favor.

Under no circumstances, try and cash
them.

That does it. We're leaving.

Guys, try and look at this in a positive
way. You know, some of you could stand

to forego a couple of meals and shed a
few kilos.

Wait, wait, wait a minute, guys.

If you walk out that door...

You're saying goodbye to WPIV forever.

I mean, what about the close little
family we've become?

Norm, Greg, Ted.

Who the hell are they?

All right, I'm having a little trouble
with names.

I'm tired.

The point is that the closer I get to
total collapse, the more people will

in and pledge. Right, Michael? That's
the hope.

Job hunt, people.

Nice speech, big guy, but I guess it's
over.

Come on, I'll drive you home.

I'm not leaving, Michael.

Sorry? No, comprende.

I'm staying a key.

There's no crew, no camera operators, no
director.

It is my professional opinion that you
should go home, Mr. Loudon.

Go to your tent, Timmy.

Wow.

Ignoring the doctor?

Dick, I have to tell you, I think lack
of sleep has seriously impaired your

judgment. And I demand you let me take
you home or else.

Or else what? Or else...

Or else I'm going to have to slap you.

I'm not giving up.

Okay, Dick, you leave me no choice.

Well, Dick, I didn't want to have to do
this, but you're forcing me to use my

big gun.

I'm telling Joanna.

Hi again.

Sorry.

Sorry for that little technical boo.

Oh, boo.

But as I said, I'm sort of... sort of
doing everything myself.

Moi.

Now, I got a couple more pledges, which
will bring our... our tally -ho.

Tally -hi up to...

Aggression, total loss.

$37 .00.

Oh,

we've finally broken that elusive zero
barrier.

I lost my head, folks.

Ten songs is the maximum you can play on
your head.

Thanks.

Dick, the family cavalry's here.

Don't touch that dial. Dick'll be right
back.

Honey,

honey, are you all right?

I'm fine.

Joanna. I know.

What is it?

We decided if you can't slap him, join
him.

I'm going to run the cameras. I'm going
to handle the phone.

I'm going to show everyone how to build
a bookcase.

And I can go like this. Much better than
that other girl.

And we're going to... Actually, we're
still working on that one.

I am really beat.

Dick, Dick, everyone's real excited
about this. Try and show a little

sensitivity.

Besides, you'll have plenty of time to
rest once George gets rolling. Now, get

in there. Go ahead, get in there and
intro the handyman.

Ladies and gentlemen, the telethon will
continue after all.

Let's check our total once again.

$93.

Thank you.

Thank you, Stephanie.

My next guest is Mr. George.

Oh,

hi, everyone.

I'm going to show you how to build a
fine quality bookcase. So just sit back

the next couple of hours, enjoy, and
pledge.

See, honey, now you can get a little
rest.

First thing you do is make a frame by
hammering these boards together like

Always remember that... Oh, boy.

I really bashed my thumb.

Sorry, I'm out of it. Back to you, Dick.

Dick.

talent you have, anything whatsoever?

Think.

I sang once in boarding

school. Perfect.

Get ready.

Ladies and gentlemen, the musical
stylings of...

Stephanie Vanderkill.

I'm sorry.

Old Man River.

That Old Man River.

He must know something.

But don't say nothing.

He just keeps rolling.

He keeps...

I get weary and sick of trying.

I'm tired of living and feared of dying.

But Old Man River, he just keeps
rolling.

A dollar a member.

We've got to do something to shock him
back to his senses.

Okay. Okay, guys. Go ahead. This is your
big chance. Oh, boy. The limelight

beckons.

Hi. Hi, guys.

Hi. I'm Larry. This is my brother,
Daryl. And this is my other brother.

Daryl. Sorry.

Bit of stage fright.

you're in for a treat.

What do you want to talk about, folks?

Well, I guess the most exciting thing
for us is our newly patented consumer

item, Dr. Dribble.

The only spoon with a patented dribble
catcher.

Oh, yeah, we have an update on our cow
and kitty cat crossbreeding experiment.

From the sound of it, things are finally
starting to pick up.

Honey, they're not pledging.

What? They all would have ordered Dr.
Dribble.

Hot dog. A mail order winner.

Look out, Popeye.

People, you cannot order Dr.

Dribble through this station.

Please call only if you're going to make
a pledge.

That's better.

Hey, everyone, we're back.

Everything's all settled.

Well, Dick, you did it. The telethon
saved the station.

Well, that's a nice thought.

Totally wrong, but nice.

The station owner found out he needed to
keep PIV on the air for the tax write

-off. He said we could all keep our jobs
if we pulled the plug on this... What

did he call it? A fiasco?

Okay, honey, come on, let's go home now.

Honey, now that the whole crew is here,
I can finish the telephone.

What are we going to do? He's delirious.
We'll never get him home.

Meow.