Original subtitles

Oh, George.

Yeah, Dick? You promised to fix the leak in our bathroom after you finished

painting the new bird feeder.

That was two buckets ago.

Yeah, well, there's a new problem, Dick.

Squirrels. They've taken over the bird's feeder.

I wouldn't care if the birds and the squirrels used the feeder, but I'll let

in on a secret of nature, Dick.

Squirrels don't like to share.

The dripping is keeping me up here, so I'm afraid the birds are going to have

wait a little while. No, they can't, Dick. They're used to me feeding them.

the food isn't there, they'll die.

Well, I've heard if a person can't ever fall asleep, they can die.

Yeah, well, there's only one of you. There's at least 90 birds.

Well.

Here we are, Steph.

At home. Or should I say, in home.

Michael, thank you for the lovely time.

Now, is the date officially over?

Yes. What did you think?

Well, I think this makes four dates in a row that haven't been fun.

I know, Steph. I don't know what's wrong.

We paraded around town.

We played what would you buy with three million dollars if you had to spend it

all on yourself.

Had all the ingredients of a great date.

But I didn't even go, ooh, once.

And I go, I'm worried we're getting down.

But there's one way to find out for sure.

A cosmopolitan test.

There's one in this month.

Has your relationship broken the bore barrier?

Do you often do the same thing date after date?

Yes. Well, Steph, that's not really a fair question. There's only so much to

in this town.

Michael, this is Cosmo, so it's completely scientific.

Can you always tell what the other is going to say?

Yes.

If you were on a date and it were going badly, would you, A, suggest that you

forget this activity and the two of you go skinny dipping instead?

B, during the date, pretend that everything is okay, but try to discuss

to no avail.

B, it is.

One.

How many unpleasant dates in a row have you had? One, two, three, or more?

Three or more.

Oh, here comes the part I hate.

Tallying.

A ten, Steph.

A nice round number.

If you scored a 10 or below, your relationship has broken the Bohr barrier

is rapidly approaching the comatose zone.

That sounds negative.

We suggest you find a stable, interesting relationship and observe it

Good luck. You'll need it.

Oh, hi, Michael, Stephanie. Joanna, this is the funniest thing I have ever re...

To hold your socks.

Hey, there goes one half of a stable relationship.

What say we observe Dick and Joanna for clues?

Well, I guess it's either that or take the test again and cheat.

When rolling out the fiberglass, it's very

important you wear gloves or you might add insulation to injury.

You can let go of your size now.

Do you want to open this can of worms,

or should I?

Oh, Steph and I have suffered a few bad dates, and the Cosmo test we took

recommended that we observe a stable couple.

You two are it.

Well, that's flattering, I guess.

Where are you going?

To get some coffee.

Michael, this isn't working.

Why, Cuppers?

Because even on our worst dates, more fun than this happens.

Well, that isn't a fair comparison. This is everyday life, not a date.

Okay, we'll observe you on a date.

No, no, no, you won't.

That's why we got married, so we wouldn't have to date anymore.

I think a date would be fun.

I think a date would be ridiculous.

That's just what I should expect from a man who likes ruts.

What are you talking about ruts?

Just last year I was spontaneous.

You two might want to take the Cosmo test. Are you fighting your way to an

divorce?

Not early enough.

All right, we'll go on a stupid date. Great, make that a double. You two pick

the place and Steph and I will be there with peepers peeled.

Joanna, cut it out.

Dick, if you don't want us to keep score, fine. But if you want me to keep

score, you can't keep yelling at me every time I ask how you did on a hole.

I got a six, okay?

And how did you do?

I got a one.

See, that's why we never date.

Why?

Because every time you do something better than I do, you gloat.

I'm not gloating.

You're comparing our scores.

I'm tabulating, Dick. There is a difference between tabulating and

And what you're doing is gloating.

Are they still fighting?

Is this place of indoor -outdoor carpeting?

I'm beginning to think this wasn't such a good idea.

Why, Steph?

Well, we're playing a game where the aim is to be below par.

It's all wrong for me.

You're trying to mess with my concentration, aren't you, Joanna?

And there's too much yelling.

Yeah, but Steph, maybe that's how they keep their relationship fresh. You know,

by argument.

Should we try it?

That's the assignment.

Michael, move out of the way. It's my turn.

No, no, it's not. It's my turn. It's mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. I'm bored.

Well, let's...

Catch up with Dick and Joanna. Maybe we're missing something.

What do you want to say we got on this call?

A two.

I'm tired of twos.

Let's give ourselves ones.

Done. Now, you realize if we join Dick and Joanna, we may actually have to play

a home.

Ew.

I swear that windmill was inconsistent.

Dick, we are supposed to be showing Stephanie and Michael that a long -term

relationship can be fun, and all we're doing is fighting.

That's because somebody has done nothing, but... Don't say it.

Gloat.

Well, what do you want me to do, let you win?

Yes. Dream on.

I... I don't believe it.

You... You missed the wheel altogether.

The best you can hope for is a three, and that would be a miracle.

Shut up.

It went in the gold seat.

you get a free pass.

I mean, that's as good as money.

I mean, it's like saying you're a professional.

Is this a fun game or what?

What's going on?

I think it's stuck.

Well, I'm going to find that guy. Stephanie and Michael.

My, isn't life funny?

Well, I best go talk to the manager.

Excuse me, sweetie.

Hey, buddy!

Wait for me, honey.

What a swell game, huh?

You know, if Dick and Joanne have actually been participating in this

maybe that's why they're having fun.

All right, I'll try it.

I think that would be exciting.

I'm afraid there's bad news on the bird front, Dick. I designed a feeder with a

hole that's big enough for the birds, but too small for the squirrels.

That sounds good, George. What's the problem?

A cardinal got in. She ate so much she couldn't get back out.

So then she ate some more.

By the time I got to her, she was a balloon. So I'm kind of back to square

That's all right, George, because the last time I checked the faucet, it

dripping. Oh, good.

Yeah, now it's a steady stream.

All right, Dick, you decide.

A leaky faucet or a chubby bird in distress?

Chubby bird.

Dick, I've never felt... Closer to you than right now.

Well, here we are.

Home sweet hotel.

Michael, we really need to talk.

I think we both agree.

Tonight was a bust.

I personally blame Dick.

Michael, my whole dating life, I've had one steadfast, unbreakable rule.

Four bad dates and dump them.

I had the same rule, Steph.

Oh, dear.

Only mine was five bad dates.

Something has to give.

I know.

I know, we...

We love each other, but something has zapped the zip.

What do you think we should do?

Well, I feel like we've tried everything. I mean, you have your

I have mine. So it seems to me there's only one thing we can do.

Seek professional help.

Well, I know it's an extreme step, but... Oh, sizzling.

Michael, you don't understand.

No one in my family has ever received any help from a mental health

professional.

We've always been blessed with enough money to just lock the troubled ones

What if we do those things and they turn out badly? How will we ever dig

ourselves out from eight or nine bad dates?

I can't go to a counselor. I won't.

And we'd have

to go to another town.

No one will ever know.

hope you realize how much this means I love you, Chuck.

Hi, I'm Mary Kaiser, and you must be Chuck, and you must be

Dawn.

Right -o.

Nice to meet you now.

experienced a series of dud dates.

We've gone from fantastic to flat, and we're trying to put some more pizzes

our zat.

Uh -huh.

The positive aspects of your relationship seem to be waning.

Huh?

You don't have much fun anymore?

Bingo.

Well, I'm sure you're both aware that all relationships go through a natural

and flow.

You two could just be in a valley.

We want all peaks. We're used to all peaks.

I see.

Well, what have you done to help the situation?

We took a cosmo test and double dated with a stable couple.

Bought matching sweaters and shopped for shoes made from exotic reptiles.

The usual.

Of course.

Excuse me, what is today's date?

The 11th.

that's not a day where people play pranks on one another, is it?

I don't think so.

Uh -huh.

Let's try to take this one step at a time.

You say you want more fun.

Define fun.

Chuck. Oh, that's easy.

Sneaking into department stores and replacing those loser wallet photos with

snaps of ours truly.

date is filled with grins and giggles and a general sense of being superior to

others feeling smug and giggling and no yelling

let's discuss likes and dislikes dawn what do you like about chuck

his hair i

was talking more about things that he has control

over

The way he fixes his hair.

Thanks, cupcake.

No, Dawn.

What personality traits do you admire in Chuck?

Chuck, I thought you said there weren't going to be any hard questions.

Dr. Kaiser, my personality is reflected in how I fix my hair. And Dawn is saying

she likes that.

Come on, who sent you here? Dr. Hal?

We got your name from the yellow pages.

Then let's just go on.

Chuck, what do you like about Dawn?

Everything.

She is perfection personified.

Any criticism?

None.

She knows how I feel about certain shades of toenail polish.

We're very open about things like that.

So you can see how in sync we are. Can you clue us in as to why the fun

flippage?

Well, we can try to work through this relationship together, and I emphasize

try.

I suggest that we start with no less than three sessions a week.

What?

Oh, we can't come back.

eight answers today.

That's the deal, Doc. There'll be no sequels to this fish.

Well, I hardly think it would be fair of me to judge you based on one short

meeting. Well, come on, Doc. We know you've got car payments, but give us a

break.

But sometimes one short meeting is all you need.

I think it's fairly obvious that you two share the same...

Shallow values.

Right.

Again, I just met you, but I suspect that you prevent each other from

Thank you.

Dr. Kaiser, I think I speak for us both when I say we appreciate the praise.

You mean take a brief vacation from each other. I mean break up.

For... Ever.

Run away from each other, never see each other again.

Michael, I don't think this is going to help us have more fun.

You two have the most toughest relationship I have ever seen. Now, if

excuse me, I have thinking patients to see.

And do you swear Dr.

Hal's not behind this?

Dick, you'll be glad to know that everything is A -OK.

You mean you finally designed a squirrel?

No, I put up two. One filled with stuff the birds like and one filled with nuts

for the squirrels. And I'm going to right now get a pipe wrench to fix that

leak.

Joanne, she can put away the scuba gear.

raccoons, get away from there.

Looks like our skyline's gonna be dotted with feeders, Dick.

Honey, you wanna put the bed on pontoons?

I am so depressed.

Did you hear what Dr.

Kaiser yelled out at me?

Don't even try to remain friends.

All the signs point to breaking up.

Steph, we can't give up. There must be something we can do.

I can't chance another bad time.

It's beginning to affect my complexion.

There's something we haven't tried.

Michael, stop torturing yourself.

Maybe we aren't right for each other.

Maybe we should just break up.

What else can we do?

Should we risk a kiss?

I'd hate to part with a bad memory.

Wasn't bad.

Goodbye.

What if...

We got married.

A wedding might be fun.

There'd be parties and presents and...