Original subtitles

Hi, hi, Hotel Honcho.

Sorry, aren't you going to ask me?

I wasn't going to, but I was teaching that TV production class.

Dick, you didn't raise your hand.

Hello, strapped right in.

Oh, hi, Bev.

Uh, Michael?

Yeah, he's standing here waving his arms and making faces.

Hi, Bev, finally tracked you down.

Yeah. I know. I promised you ideas for that new time slot, and I've got scabs

them. Yeah, but Dick's been all over my back this week about Vermont today.

Well, you know these stars.

Oops, Dick's making outrageous demands. Even as we speak, I gotta go.

Michael, don't use me as an excuse for ducking Beth.

Gee, Dick, you weren't eavesdropping.

Hi, Nanny. Your professor's here.

Michael, nannies can be old. I like your dessert nicknames much better.

It's fine.

Oh, and before we go, Cupcake, I've got kind of a favor to ask you.

Well, it's not the way we usually do things, but go ahead.

Well, I was just wondering if you'd come with me to class on Thursday. I thought

one way to get those kids really sparked on TV production would be to show them

the kind of chicks we producers get.

I guarantee you oodles of envy.

Oh, Michael, you're such a salesman.

Let me get my coat, and we can go shopping and show those kids the kind of

outfit a producer's paycheck can buy.

You scratch my back, I clothe yours.

And, Dick, don't be jealous. I haven't finished handing out the classroom

yet. Well, now that producer's chick is gone, what's left?

Type this on your resume.

Guest lecturer.

Those kids are just drooling to hear from a small market talent.

So, can I pencil you in?

Oh, my God, you're such a salesman.

be a guest.

Well, I'm off duty, but... Joanna, there's a guest!

There you go.

Hello. Oh, hi. I'm Bill Coder. You have a reservation for me? Okay.

Oh, I'm really exhausted.

I just drove straight through from Austin.

2 ,000 miles in 32 hours just to catch the fall colors.

And I've only got a week. That's why I came to the only place that would

guarantee a specific date for the leaves changing colors.

The Stratford Inn.

Uh, Mr. Coder, no one can predict the exact date the leaves will change.

But I called ahead.

And someone here promised me I'd see the fall colors.

Ah, the fall colors.

Raspberry red, lemon yellow, orange orange.

You must be the guy I talked to.

Bill Coder?

George, you didn't by any chance promise Mr. Coder the leaves would change color

this week.

Sure did.

Don't answer the phone anymore.

Is there going to be some problem? Don't worry. I've been living in this town 57

years. And every autumn, the leaves change right after the last blossom

off the hibiscus out front.

Sure enough, there's only one left, and it's dangling.

Great. Come on, Bill. I'll show you my photo album of every change since 53 to

sort of get you hepped up.

The change of 71 was really breathtaking.

I could just kick myself for not splurging on color film that year.

So, summing up my philosophy, I say, for get PBS,

just go for the bus.

Steve, are there any openings at your station, Mr. Harris?

Well, Steve, as I told you at the last class and over the phone yesterday, no.

producer's job as great as you've been telling us generally it's great but

it has its rough spots like every 10 years or so television buckles under to

outcry for quality programming from small bands of snobby elitists your best

during these periods is to just lay low because eventually the viewing public

will stand up as one and say we want the chimp show

I have an idea for a show about a family torn apart by divorce, but it could

work just as well with chimps.

Mr. Harris, I've been working on a script about the struggle of living with

agoraphobia. Chelsea, that's a perfect example of the trouble with TV movies

lately. They've been so busy glorifying trendy diseases and torching spouses on

their certis that they've forgotten to have fun.

So, in your professional opinion, Mr. Harris, what does make a good television

movie? Simple.

You just reunite the cast of any 70s sitcom or family drama for a wedding or

funeral, depending on the health of the older actors, and you've got yourself a

two -hour through -the -roofer.

Your biggest problem is recasting the holdouts, but sometimes God is with you.

For instance, when they went to redo What's Happening, the entire cast was

available.

You know what I think television really needs? More heart.

Exactly my point. What's got more heart than Keith, Danny, all the Partridge

kids?

Reunited to sing at the wedding of their mom, Shirley, to Ruben Kincaid.

Not television heart.

Normal people with real concerns.

Why not a citizen's forum?

Sort of an electronic soapbox.

Any chance, Mr. Harris?

It lacks something.

Some twist. Maybe if you cast Audrey and Judy Landers as the real people...

Maybe Jimmy Osmond heading up the house band.

You're missing the point, Mr. Harris.

Oh?

I think my success as a producer speaks for itself.

And I think, Landers or not, you've got yourself a yawn fest.

Oh, are you here to clap the erasers?

Only kidding.

It's our guest celebrity, Dick Loudon of Vermont Today.

Michael, I think I've brought their envy to a peak, so I'm going to go now.

I wish you all lots of success.

I guess there's nothing else to do but bring on our guest. I hope he's not

nervous because usually he doesn't have this big an audience.

Here he is, Dick. Dick Loudon.

Thank you for that smattering of applause.

Mr. Loudon, Steve Wendell. Is it true there's a lot of nepotism in this

business? Because if it is, I've been checking out a few things and I may be

distantly related to you.

As well as to you, Mr. Harris.

My guess is that you're probably more related to Mr. Harris.

Can we break up this emotional family reunion and get to tonight's subject,

local television?

I can't tell you what a pleasure it is to be able to talk in class without

getting yelled at.

Good joke, Mr. Harris.

Mr. Harris?

That's right. Nothing comes out of your mouth. that hasn't gone through Mr.

Harris' typewriter.

Remember about insulating the on -air talent from the cold realities of the

business?

Exactly. What did he say? Well, Mr. Harris told us that as Vermont today is

talking head, you're more or less his puppet.

Last night was, without exception, the most humiliating of my life.

Especially that part about me being your puppet.

Dick, Dick put the past behind you. We've got a production meeting to do

So this puppet, it should look a lot like Dick.

Here's Michael here.

And bless the production meeting, and please keep us on budget.

Michael, I'm still waiting to hear your ideas for the new show.

We've only got eight days to put whatever it is on the air, so I want

ideas, and I want them now.

Well, Bev, I was trying to buy some time to flesh them out, but the basic

concepts are ooh, ooh, hot.

So is the water you're standing in.

Okay.

Sizzler number one.

I call it runners -up, what might have been.

You see, we get runners -up, you know, like the first runner -up of this year's

Miss Green Mountain contest or the kid who came in second in the state's

spelling bee. And we get those losers on the show and invite them to badmouth

the winners on camera.

I see bitterness. I see crying. I see swimwear, at least in the case of that

near Miss Green Mountain.

Michael, I'm not interested in turning WPIV into a freak show. Oh.

Are you against freak show as a concept or just as a title?

I'm looking for something with heart.

Okay.

How about...

Battle of the senior citizens.

Athletic competitions between rival retirement homes.

Old folks scream hard.

Yeah, especially after about three laps around the track.

Michael, I'm interested in quality, not body count.

Obviously, I was wrong about you.

Programming isn't your future.

Beth, if you'd just give me a couple more days. I'm going to make a few phone

calls, see if I can't scramble up something last minute to fill the slot

now. And, Michael...

I want you in my office in ten minutes.

Steve's on his parking space.

Oh, Hart! Hart!

How about, uh, Citizen Forum?

Real people?

Real gripes?

Nah.

I like it.

Kind of an open microphone. Man on the street, what's your beef?

Michael, I never thought I'd say this about one of your ideas, and it worries

me.

But I like it, too.

Well, it's kind of rough, but I know I can make it work. Picture the Lander

sisters as the real people.

I'm not worried anymore.

Michael, it was perfect the way you first said it. Simple, uncluttered

television with heart.

We can have it on the air by Saturday. Congratulations.

It's just I don't feel right pitching this show. I mean, it's just you put a

of pressure on me. Obviously, you work best under pressure.

How are

you

coming with those leaves, George?

Not so good. That stupid blossom is still dangling and the leaves won't

till it falls.

Well, why don't you just pluck it, George?

I don't want to play God, Joey.

Hi, Mrs. Loudon. Hi, George.

I looked outside my window this morning and everything was sure green.

And you seem okay with that.

Oh, sure. I read that the longer the leaves stay green, the more vibrant the

colors when they do turn.

Boy, this place must be gearing up for a real show.

Yeah.

I got some serious nudging to do.

We do date stuff.

You're supposed to go through your personal hells on your own time.

I know the guidelines, Steph.

Listen, I'm... I'm new to this guilt game.

I didn't mean to pitch Neil's idea, but Bev backed me into a corner.

Michael, remember when you told me, even though I never really showed any

interest, that part of a producer's job is to recognize talented people, promote

their ideas, and then claim as much credit as he can get away with?

Yeah.

You weren't stealing that student's idea. You were just being the best darn

producer you could.

I guess, but... Michael, I've done all the cheering up I'm going to. I would

like to see some results now.

Oh, all right.

One more cheery thought, and it's a biggie.

Just remember that you have the cutest girlfriend in the whole world.

I knew I could do it.

Damn, I'm good.

Dick, you got a mo -mo for a man -to -man, heart -to -heart?

Michael, you actually made my head hurt.

Well, Dick, I've done something wrong. Not big wrong, but boo -boo wrong.

And I just want you to yell at me.

I've been feeling guilty about what I did to you, you know, yesterday in

among other things.

And I just want you to give me that verbal spanking I deserve.

Just verbal.

Come on, Dick, take the safety off that tongue.

All right, Michael.

Michael, you know, that was really a pretty, you know, pretty crummy...

Pretty, pretty crummy thing that you did to me in class.

Louder, Dick. More venom.

I mean... Shame on you.

Michael, anger isn't something that I can just call up on the spur of the

moment.

I stole Citizen's Forum from a student.

You what?

That's great, Dick. Just what I came for.

You took an idea from one of the kids? You...

You slime.

Yeah, Dick, I think you're flirting with overkill.

Michael, you had better do the right thing. I will.

Dick, that right thing, could you give me a hint what that is?

Well,

it's time for class.

Seven o 'clock, six central.

Well, before we get started, why don't you, uh, why don't you end in your

homework assignments? I can't wait to read your ideas for a spinoff for Barney

Rubble.

Just passing forward.

Well, I guess Barn didn't spark anyone.

We saw the promo for Citizens Forum last night.

You know something funny? Right after I sold Citizens Forum to the station, I

couldn't shake the feeling we'd discuss something similar in class.

You stole that idea from the class.

Well, I don't think it's quite that simple. You know how it is when a group

people are brainstorming. After a while, you just sort of forget who came up

with the idea in the first place.

It was Neil.

Way to go, Neil.

I want you to know I'm going to do the right thing.

I'm going to make sure you get the recognition you deserve.

Let's hear it for Neil.

That's not enough. What do you want from me?

Neil's not the only one who suffered here.

I was feeling so guilty the other night about Neil that it completely ruined a

date with Steph.

So then I felt guilty about Steph.

When I felt guilty about Steph, I apologized to Steph, so maybe I... I

apologize to Neil. Is that it? Is that the right thing?

It's worth a try.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

So why do I still feel guilty?

I mean, that's always so cleansing for Steph. Did that do anything for you,

Neil?

Don't talk to me.

Talk to my lawyer.

Lawyer? Nicholas Prescott, Mr. Harris.

I'm not actually a lawyer.

I'm a law student and a friend of Neil's.

So you're just here as a friend.

A law student.

And speaking as one who knows the law, I think what would make Neil feel better

is the following.

Full recognition and credit for Neil Poland as creator of Citizens Forum, an

-air retraction of previous credits and financial compensation not limited to

his actual percentage of the show itself.

And maybe your job.

return to Citizens Forum, we'll hear from Bobby Terrell, who'll tell us what

is about styrofoam cups that really drives him nuts.

And commercial.

Hi, hi, hi, O. Michael, where have you been? The show is almost over.

Bev, I know I would have been here for the premiere, but we had an

accident and ran out of gas.

Michael?

Who is this?

Oh, Bev, this is one of my students, Neil Poland.

I predict you'll be hearing his name a lot in the future.

Hopefully in the next five minutes.

Don't worry, Dick. I'm going to fess up right now.

Everybody.

How's it going?

It's terrific.

Really? Yeah.

I never had a corned beef sandwich quite this tangy. Want a bite?

Jack from commercial in three, two... Styrofoam cups.

Modern convenience or Satan's chalice?

Bev, can we discuss?

Citizens Forum privately?

Michael, I'm sure it can wait until after the show.

Actually, I think this is something you'll want to discuss before we roll

credits.

Ben.

Nice, Frank.

And did I mention that Neil is the kid who inspired me to create Citizens

By coming up with the premise, the format, and the title.

You stole the idea?

Of course not, Bev. Neil's lawyer friend said the proper phrase is unlawful

appropriation. Oh, yeah.

Bev, the important thing is I told the truth, and the guilt is gone.

However, it's rapidly being replaced by fear for my job.

But I'm sure that fear will be gone in a minute, right, Bev? Once again,

dynamite dress.

Miss Sutton, you've got to come quick. The whole switchboard is lit up.

Both lines?

People really love the show, huh? No, they hate it.

23 calls, and they all feel they've got real problems and just wish our people

would quit whining about their own petty complaints.

Now, Vern, the gopher, meet Neil, the creator of Citizens Forum.

Hey, Mark, did you meet Neil, the creator of Citizens Forum?

Uh, well, uh, you know how it is when a group of people are brainstorming, and

before long, you forget who came up with the idea. It was Neil!

Yeah, you were right. I told the truth, and I feel great. His show!

His show!

Well,

I'm sorry George isn't here to see you off. Actually, I haven't seen him around

since yesterday.

Well, that's okay.

I'd probably kill him.

Well, so long.

Not so fast, Coder.

In living color, direct from the state of Maine, Autumn Lee.

Meow.